pheonix rising

so i did not spend the day in bed yesterday. instead i spent the day setting up my new bed. ooOOoo. it was actually quite nice to re-arrange my room, schvitz like a pig, and have a feeling of accomplishment when i was finished.

i think my back muscles may disagree. i've thrown my back again. but i'm still kickin.

off to class now.

i'm kinda angry that i may not get a grade for credit in my math class. it seems odd to me that odell threw in a couple pop quizzes the days i chose not to show b/c i was still seething about him reading from the bible in class. fucker.

i'm angry that i let him get under my skin about this math jibber jabber.

i'm in a wierd mood today. not quite sure what it's about, but it may be best if i spend the day in bed. yes, yes, i do believe i will be heading to bed after i finish the few necissary errands.

rawr. people are getting on my nerves, which only means that i'm not in a good place today. i know that for the most part if i think people are being assholes & annoying, it only means there's something i'm not happy about in my life & i'm reflecting that on others.

i cannot wait until ani's new cd arrives on my doorstep. from what i've previewed, the cd gives me a very zen-like feeling. the lyrics dig deep down & grab you by the balls, making you think rapidly. the melodies sends you into a meditative state, allowing your swirling thoughts to slosh around your cranium. myeahh!! i fucking love ani difranco. she's amazing.

i accidentally spray painted my feet with a mist of blue-ness that makes them look as though circulation is failing in my feet. myehh...it's kinda funny.



that's it folks.

i've found a new show. i'm diggin bravo's workout. the show caught my attention by the promotion showed during my other fav show...project runway.

jackie's so friggin hot, it makes me want to watch the show just to watch her. gotta love seeing lesbians on reality tv.

here's jackie...

see what i mean??


workout is love.

lunch was scrumptious. i made zucchini latkes. they were excellent. this is originally my ma's brain child. i ran with it. i do believe they're better than my ma's. holy cow.

recipie:
1 x-large zucchini
2 egg
1c flour
1T dill seeds
1T salt
1T dried chives
2t celery salt
2t garlic
1/2t coleman's dried mustard powder

directions:
shred zucchini. mix all ingredients in large bowl. heat skillet & cook w/butter as one would cook pancakes.

serve with sour cream for dipping.
makes about 20 latkes.


yuuum.

apparently i'm being sued. i've yet to be served my papers, however the circut court info online shows there was a petition made against me. hoo-fucking-ray.

it doesn't state the purpose of the suit online, however i know it's reguarding a car wreck i was in 2 years ago. the woman who i was in the accident with is suing me because she is a greedy fuck. she obviously saw the vehicle i was driving was very nice & my parents live in a prominent community. little does she know work for diddily & have just enough to cover my basics...and she has no way to go after my parents' money. she hired a PI to serve me papers & he visited my parents home and tried to serve me because that was where i was living when the accident occured. my ma called me in a tizzy & told me that the man seemed very nosey. the woman filed for the suit 4 days before the statute of limitations was fulfilled. the PI has since tried to visit my house. i was at work. one of my housemates was asleep & got up just in time to see him leaving.

geeosh. when it rains it pours.

on a good note, i'm almost done with my class. i'm so so thankful for that because it's becoming very tedious to split my days between work & school. keep your fingers crossed that i pass this math class...it's the final one i'll need for my associate's degree. then i'm off to university to get my b.f.a. in graphic design! i can't wait to be finished with classes & having a career in a field i love.

i'm still pissy about the whole maggie thing. i'm very numb about the situation. chris pureka's cynical sums up my feelings.

fucking women & women fucking.

FIRST THINGS FIRST
First Name: susan
Nicknames: sus, su su, rojo, kid
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Where You Live: decatur, il
Sexual Orientation: lesbian
Single/Happy with it: yes/i'm starting to get there.
Siblings: becky, 28
Pets: mr. moe hawk...my guinea pig
Screen name: don't have im services.

APPEARANCE AND JUNK
Hair Color: dark brown
Hair length: short & spikey
Eye Color: honey brown
Height: 5'5"
Piercings: lebret, ears-6g for the first holes & 10g for the second holes.
Tattoos: two
Shoe Size: 9.5
Jeans Size: geosh.
Make-Up: rarely
Dye Your Hair: when i get around to it.

FAVORITES
Food: grilled cheese. cheese in general. and chinese...which ironically sounds like cheese.
Drink: i'm really big on tea.
Color: blue, green, brown
Store: not much on shopping
Movie: the legend of 1900
TV Show: project runway, roseanne
Ice Cream Flavor: mmm...coconut
Book: anything by william sleator or augusten borroughs
Season: fall
Video Game: i'm an old skool tetris lover.


HAVE YOU EVER
Smoked a cigarette: i've quit finally!
Done Any Drugs: yes, though i'm now 14 mo. clean & sober
Gotten Drunk: see above
Gone Skinny Dipping: no
Bonged A Beer: yes
Kissed Same Sex: yes
Eaten Sushi: yes
Broken A Bone: no


DO YOU/ARE YOU
Like Your Handwriting: some days.
Have Any Bad Habits: i'm forgetful, i procrastinate, and i eat too much
Hate Yourself: not today. :)
Shy: sometimes
Tolerant Of Others: sometimes
Aggressive Or Passive: depends on the situation.
Have A Journal: yes. several.
Emotionally Strong: sometimes
Read The News Paper: no
Confident: sometimes.


VIEWS AND BELIEFS
Is There A God: i have one of my own understanding.
Does He Have A Gender: no.
Do Ghosts Exists: yes
What About Witches: witches are wiccan. it is a religion with which i'm facinated.
Miracles: yes. definately.
What Do You Think About Abortion: i'm pro choice
Life On Other Planets: the truth is out there.
Porn: not much for it.
Cosmetic Surgery: is for vanity. if you accept your vain-ness then rock out with your cock out.

CAN YOU
Sing Well: no but i'm good at pretending.
Play An Instrument: at one point in my life i was a classically trained violinist. not so musically inclined anymore.
Write Well: yes
Skateboard: i'm very un-coordinated.
Take A Shot Without A Chaser: i don't drink.
Say the Alphabet Backwards: zyxw...you got me.
Snow Board: not had the opportunity. though i enjoy skiing
Juggle: again, lack coordination.
Do A Split: i'm not that flexible
Draw: charcoal is my preferred media.

THE FUTURE
Plan On Marriage: if it happens.
Kids: most likely not.
And Their Names: just in case- julia or aubry
Occupation: customer service
Where You Want To Live: california
Big Or Small House: i want to live in a large loft in a metropolis and have a quaint summer house in the cut.
Do You Want To Live Near People: yes
Income: currently diddily.
Cars: i'd love to drive an audi tt.


THIS/THAT
Wal-mart/Target: neither.
Chocolate/Vanilla: vanilla
Night/Day: night
McDonalds/Burger King: depends on my mood
Cats/Dogs: cats
Fruits/Veggies: fruit
Pillows/Blankets: pillow
Pepsi/Coke: either
Alcohol/Weed: niether
Reading/Writing: both

RANDOM
Biggest Fear: relapse.
Compliment You Get Often: i like your hair.
What Would You Change About Yourself: less character defects
Regrets: working on them.
Gotten Arrested: no.
Are You Ticklish: very.
Longest Relationship: 2 years.
How Much TV Do You Watch: too much
What color Is Your Room: blue & white.

all i can think to say is fuck you. i feel the tears wanting to be shed, my wounds are still smarting. i knew i shouldn't have let her in, yet i allowed it. i feel stupid & i feel used.

dilate city limits, here i come.

i feel very apathetic towards certain individuals as of late. they all at one point in time recieved a great deal of my attention. i feel as though i've placed certain expectations that weren't met. yes, yes i know...expectations only lead to resentments. dammit.

i expected that maggie would have the decency to call & not take the cowardly route of cold-shouldering me. i find myself wishing i wasn't missing her. but i do & that sucks. how she's treating me makes me call her an asshole, though the persistence of salty relief welling tells me otherwise. i feel the pressure building, tears wanting released; yet i can't bring myself to shed them. perhaps i am holding a piece of hope in my heart that i'm imagining the brush-off. perhaps it's because i know that i deserve to be treated better. perhaps i know that i need to find happiness within myself.

i can't believe stephanie has gotten married again. it baffles me how co-dependant on men she has been all of her life. i don't think there's been a time she's not had some sort of relationship with a man in the 10+ years i've known her. i wish she'd make more time for herself & friends. i used to think we didn't spend time together because i was in active addiction and it was my selfish fault...now i think it's partly her fault. and that's sad. because at one point, stephanie was my closest friend. i long for those carefree days that lacked any real responsibility. stephanie & i shared so many of those years together & i'd love to get together with her for coffee to reminisce.

i hope amanda holds up to the tentative plans we've marked for tomorrow. it would be like her to convieniently forget or have something come up. i'm hoping she's not going to be shady this time.
i think part of the reason i want to see her so badly is so i can ask about heather. i'm not sure if part of my heart is still beating for her, or i'm just still waiting for my heart to heal from her. either way, i miss her terribly. it kills me to know that re-associating myself with heather would be the worst thing for me...not only my general psyche, but also because my addict/alcoholic side of my being would start wispering lies that i'd believe.

i'm very grateful to be in recovery, yet i hate the fact that i know i can't drink or use drugs like normal people. i know that when i feel sorry for myself that i can't partake in enjoying a cold brewsky on a hot day, a nice spliff in the park, or anything else of that nature...it's my addict/alcoholic talking to me. telling me that no one would know or that just one wouldn't kill me. i know better i need to get in touch with one of my friends of bill w. on my break, because i know that keeping in constant contact with another addict/or alcoholic keeps me sane & grounded. damn how i long to be normal sometimes.

fuck.


i've been inspired by one of the kids in aesthetes to start doing my art journals again. i've not been writing, painting, or expressing myself creatively at all lately. i feel like i've all this crap built up that needs purged.

yea that and i need to get my effin 4th step done so i can do my 5th step with my sponsor.

i feel so much of my energy is focused toward this damn class. i've only a few more class sessions left, and i can't help but feel dread when i think of getting up for class. i woke up today only to hear my ride honking in the drive....who knows how long she'd been honking. i quickly threw on clothes & a hat. when i reached the drive, she'd already gone. it kills me because the reason i overslept was because i'd been up until 2 finishing my fucking homework that was due this morning. damn damn damn. i'm hoping she'll pick me up tomorrow am...otherwise i'm screwed. fuck.

i'm so glad i'm hitting a meeting tonight...and it's the women's meeting at that. i love that meeting. i hope it's a stick meeting. those are the best b/c my hp always knows what i need to talk about. my hp's funny like that. ;)

fini.

tick tock the clock bounds around.
i sit here wondering why she holds you captive.
ravenous & vicious she claws to keep you near.
you scamper back, tail hung low.
you say she has no power anymore.
you say it's not a place for lovers.
why do i find that so hard to believe?
can't you see i'm patient?
can't you see i'm kind?
i think you a glutton for pain.
the sympathy you seek is irrational.
that emotion is hard to conjure.
you're the one who keeps going back.
the turmoil has me mesmerized,
i can't turn & walk away.
you found a niche in my heart.
i don't know how to let you go.
so here i sit, listening to the tick tock of time.