Live. Laugh. Love.

i'm making one thousand paper cranes for my best friend.
she might possibly be sick.
and if she is, i'll be standing on the sidelines with one thousand paper cranes......
throwing them on her like holy water...
or holy cranes lol

just what is it that you want me to do?
whatever you want....because all God put me on this earth to do was satisfy you.......
am i being selfish when i do the things i do?
when i go out and have fun and don't come back til about 10 at night?
just what is it that you were dying to do with my anyways?
come in the house, say hello and then we go back to our own rooms?
thats terrific, i look forward to that every GOD DAMN NIGHT.
fuck this shit.
i'm so extremely sick of it.
and i dont know why i have to go through it.
i like to think that i have a lot of faith and confidence in people and the human race,
but little by little they just push me a little more and ugh.

talk about me all you like.
but you have some things that you yourself need to deal with.
you cant live your life through me.
and i am so beyond SICK of trying to impress you or anybody else!

i'm tired of making hopeless wishes that go nowhere but to the air and off into oblivion

why wont you let me live my life?
why s everything a fucking problem for you?
every little thing i do?

and then i turn this argument around on myself....
why couldnt i be smarter, why didnt i take school seriously, why am i always put in these situations....
i could blame anyone....and i'm not sure i want to point a finger at anyone but myself because i know what i'm doing and what i'm not doing.

but having you spectate from afar isn't any better.
you push me to hard and drive me to tears.
you hurt me.
you don't care.
and you wonder why as soon as i get enough money, i'll be moving as far away as possible.i'd rather deal with my own issues, rather than yours and mine and what you think is a problem for me.

forgive me, if i am being selfish.
i think i've gotten to the point where i just don't give a flying fuck anymore.

there is a part of me that is happy that i dont have friends on here.
there is an even greater part of me that takes comfort in the fact that no one reads the shit that i write. so my sorrows will always remain my own secrets....my own burdens.
hoorary.
i'm waiting for the day that the angsting will subside, that i will be in control of my own life and not have to care so much about what others think.
there was a time when i didnt care so much....what happened?
....what the hell happened.

so many things that i was looking forward to this summer blew up in my face.....
no otakon, no drivers liscense....
i have to say that this summer has been one of the worst.
let me rephrase that.....
out of my twenty years of life, this has been BY FAR the worst summer.

i never realized that i kept so many things bottled up inside me.
mostly fear and rage.
i used to let thoes things go, but as of late i hold onto them....
i dont want to talk to my father.
EVER again.
but if i do it will be too soon.
i just want to cut all ties with him because he is useless and he is continuously bothering me about the same shit....but where is he when i need him.....just a fucking phone call away.
my best friend is gone for a week and i could really use her shoulder....to dampen with my tears.
why does my life suck so much?
i know things usually get WORSE before they ever get better (which is absolute bull shit)
and so i am wondering if i am in the 'Worst zone' or if God is sheding some light on me and leading me to the 'better'.
---------------------------------

my best friend and i are thinking about getting an appartment together.
i think we're equally tired of not having things our way.
i suppose its the only thing to look forward to these days.....
turning 21 (God willing)
and saving up enough money to get a place of of own with our assorted pets ( which will be many )
i think i may even want to move out of state.
i know there arent many good jobs out as it is.....but i hope i can get some thing stable by then, not to mention a car.

i hope that i wont be forced to go back to hampton in a few weeks, if i can stay home and go to a community college or even morgan (which i love in comparisson to hampton) i could at least work on getting my drivers liscense.

----------------------------------

i am still.....very very single.
and it sucks.
men are triffling
but i want - nay need one.
i just want someone (aside from my best friend)
to hold me and cuddle me because despite my apperance- i like that type of thing
i'm a touchy feely kinda girl.
and don't give me shit for it.

it's all comming out now.
i had a very troubled childhood.
and due to my fathers absense,
i deal with insecurity and have trouble talking to and trusting men.
whooppee.


but alas i tire of writting about my woes and sorrow- interal agony.
i suppose i'll write again later with more angst.

there is a part of me that never wants these words to see the light of day.
but then theres the part of me that really does.
in hopes that you'll feel sorry for me.
in hopes that you'll embrace me and understand me.
in hopes that you'll get off my ass and leave me alone (Dad)
in hope-
i type these words.

summer school
job
driving
friends
lack of social life
church
OTAKON <3
sleep
vaccation
family

......maybe two post ago or so, i said that i would atrempt to make more friends on LJ.
i just went through a few profiles, and the majority of them have not been checked in YEARS....o_O
very discouraging.

hahahaha, you know what??
i really love flight of the conchords.
has anyone heard "you dont have to be a prostitute">?
i loves it, it's almost got this ska/ reggae kind of feel

i haven't been sleeping very well.
but then again whats new?
and that's a great question....what is new?
it seems like forever since i wrote in this thing.....
i suppose I'll fix it up sometime tomorrow...er or rather today.

re-cap on life.....
firstly.....my hair is amazing.
I'm locing it up, i love it more than ever, and i think it loves me for making this decision.
locs have got to be the best hair style for someone who doesn't feel like being bothered <3

what else?
i finally begun talking to the guy that i've liked for about a year now.
just to find out that he's not all he's cracked up to be.
uh oh, i fell and bumped my head and realized it was too good to be true after all.

i hate the fact that i see the sun rising right now and i havent gotten a wink of sleep
*sighs heavily*

boys, boys, boys.
their surprisingly and finally hitting on me.
in real life!
i'm surprisingly and unfortunatly used to being hit on by potential pedobears online......
that goes on forever.....but at school, i'm finally being noticed.
but in what kind of light do they see me in?

oh yes,
i also changed my major.
once was a theatre major, now i am a music recording tech. major.
why the extreme change?
i was confussed.
everytime i was part of a musical, i was in love with every moment, every scene, every set change etc. but -
i was mistaken, it wasnt the theatre aspect i was in love with, it was the music.
the core of my life that i awlways ignored and looked past.
i chose audio engineering because i wasnt so much interested in the performance aspect of music as i was the listenening and the application if you will.
more or less my attitude towards school hasnt changed much. i look forward to the day i graduate with a smile. right now, that is the motivation behind why i attempt to give everything 101 percent. (to get the fuck out of college)

oh and by the way.
Disney was awesome.
if you want a rather kool internship to get involved with, do the Disney college program (and try and do it in the fall, you'll get a lot more bennifits than the spring kids get)


currently reading Carrie. stephen king, yes.
it's a terribly saddening story.
i've watched the original movie, and the remake. (yes there was a remake made in 2000)
both very interesting takes on the book.

i havent been to church in what seems like forever now.....i am kind of ashamed.

i still have awesome friends back home and i miss them terribly.
this year i want to work on making new friends everywhere.
livejournal, myspace- the world
where ever i go, that is my mission, make a friend.

i have my flute lesson in about five hours and i hope i dont fall asleep before then and miss it (again)
other wise i dont have classes on friday, but if its a nice day i might just go out, get some sun on my skin (its a nice feeling)

i hope my typing isnt too loud....my room mate is still sleeping so i guess its not (either that or she's dead...asleep that is ^_^)

i dont know what else there is to write......
i'm sure i actually have a lot more information to spill, but at the moment that all eludes me.

Good Morning.

i got up and went to church!
aha and boy was it boring!
my pastor took this Sunday off,
because he hasn't taken a vacation day for the past two years.
so i guess i understand.
everyone need to rest sometimes....
but uh the replacement priest was supposed to be doing a sermon on 'Trinity Sunday'
and this fool has all these diagrams and shiz.
I'm like, wtf do you think this is? Sunday school?!
needless to say i got nothing from that sermon and was very grateful when it was over!
service ended pretty quickly without my long winded priest being around.
went back into the guild hall to find that the two dozen doughnuts that my mom bought that morning were already gone and the only thing left to eat was some not too appetizing looking cake that i didn't touch.
um since my mom was waiting for ms. jean to finish with her 'meeting' i had to wait around too! but thankfully mike was waiting for him mom too!
so he kept me company and chatted away with me. of course he left before i did >_<
but we left shortly after that.
as soon as i got home, i had a little something something to eat and i CRASHED.
the bed felt so good, i don't even know why the hell i was so weary.....

i got up around 5 o'clockish and mom had already left for her book discussion, only to come back and tell me that they only discussed the book for about 45 mins out of the 2 in a half hours she was there.

um i talked to Monica for a good while, i was trying to re ready my entire hellsing series so when i get the 8th book (sometime this week hopefully) everything will be really fresh in my mind.
also i was really trying to figure out why Walter is young again.
in the seventh book i read last night, there was a page of young Walter....it was a chapter page, so you know you didn't see him again, but at the end of the manga, it said something about his youth has been restored, and im tryna figure out when all that happened!
perhaps all these questions will be answered in the last book.
it was really strange to read the entire book and only see Alucard in like five panels.......and at the end of course.

i suppose I'm still fretting over this because a lot of shit went down in that manga!
more than i expected! eh....Michael told me when need to hand out because he's got a whole lot of anime for me to watch XD
and Monica is off Tuesday Wednesday and Saturday i think she said, so hopefully we can hang out.
i really wanna go to the movies and see prince Caspian......
and from there go to the book store!
but we'll see.
as far as i know, I'm gonna be chilling tomorrow, i don't have anything planned, and everyone is workin, so whatever. it is what it is....

well people,
i finally got the seventh installment of the hellsing manga,
its been like a year since i read the sixth book, so i had to re read that one >_<
but uh i read it and i was on the phone but all and all, i got through it and i was shouting "WHERE IS ALUCARD!?" like the entire time, of course he shows up towards the end of the book and leavs you like WTF?

um, but yeah, im home for the summer! woot!
and im going to disney!
double woot!
my church offered me a job.
im gonna be gettin paid about 250 a week!
i think thats pretty good cash
that i cant afford to pass up
plus i really dont mind being in my church.
eh.....um
no new music, listening to a lot of old stuff.....
the older the better :D
the newest stuff i got is erykah badu's new album
im not CRAZY about it, but the track that i do like on there im in love with.

walter dollneaz in his youth was a super sexy man!
ans seras is finally a vampire! woooooooot!
lets all raise the roof for seras!

okay enough of that. i really dont have a lot to say.
i was just in the typing mood.
everyone take care!
and if anyone finds and pics of young walter send them to me damnit!
im obsessed with him now O_O
i always knew he was kool, but as a young man......sex-say!
oright enough of that.
i need to get ready for church in a few hours.
for some reason i cant wait X_x
i guess thats good.
looking forward to serving God in his church :D
loser i know....

well i knows its been a little while since I've written. just haven't felt like it, and a lot of shiz has been going on too! i just haven't felt like recording the bad goings of my life.
long story short, I'm really confused, and i just want to crawl into a hole and wait for things to work themselves out. ugh, life is definitely sucking right now.....not even the small things make me as happy as they used to. i barely have enough strength to type this because i was playing a combination of volleyball and soccer, so I'm kinda sore not to mention that i have a massive tummy ache. just pray for me people.