I think our neighbors are taking care of a friend's dog, a large labradoodle, and this offends Charlie.  It is his job to protect our/his yard from all invaders both domestic (dogs) and foreign (squirrels).  He take this job quite seriously.

I took Katie out for lunch yesterday.  It was fine until we were almost back to her place and then she attacked me, hair pulling, head butting, and scratching. I put the car in park and then I gave up and started crying which seemed to startle her and she let go.  Note to self, cry next time too.  

I dropped her off and went home but got a call a couple of hours later.  There were two relief staff and Katie did not like that, strangers in her house.  You can't really blame her.  I went back, there was ice cream and she finally took her pills including extras for pain and agitation.

Today she had a doctor's appointment for her US results.  When I went to pick her up, she was naked and covered in shit, screaming and crying.  I got her into the shower and cleaned her up but she was still upset so I left her at her place and went to see the doctor on my own.

She has cysts on both sides, follow-up US in three months, and keep taking the naproxen and add tylenol to it.  If things gets worse again, take her to emergency again.  In three months we'll decide what to do.

For now, watch and wait.

My shoulders are up around my ears and I was short with Jack tonight, but I did explain that I was worried about his auntie and that I didn't have enough band width to deal with any nonsense.  He was good about it.  

Before supper he did say this his life was so hard and he didn't know how he was going to deal with it as he got older.  He was most worried about puberty.  He's fucking six.  My husband and I confirmed that we had both survived puberty and that he would too.

In the tub tonight he listed all the things wrong with him, asthma (very mild), ADHD (welcome to the club, nothing you can do about it), and he thought he might need glasses.  OMG child.  He's just like me.  I told him that I would make an eye appointment for him.  His last one was fine.

I also don't have the bandwidth to read or comment much on blogs.  My apologies.

I saw this meme and it hit home right now.

Edmonton, early 1900's.

I'm feeling worn out this week.  Katie is doing fine but I feel tired.  I worry about her.  I haven't heard the results of the US yet, or what will happen next, but that's probably what's bothering me. When I woke up this morning, I remembered what I always told patients, if it was something awful, you would have had the results right away.  That helped my brain to stop catastrophizing.

One of the things I worry about is how I will be able to care for Katie as I get older, and even worse, who will go with her to appointments and to the hospital when I die.  Katie doesn't live with us but I take her to all of her appointments.  I am her voice and her advocate.  Who will speak for her when I'm gone?

The weather has warmed up and I'll be walking the dogs later today, maybe even meeting up with another pottery lady at the off leash park.  A walk in the trees will do my brain good.

While I type I can hear Jack upstairs "getting dressed", which involved jumping off the bed and talking to himself:)  Twenty minutes after he went upstairs, he's still not dressed, which is why I give him half an hour to get dressed.  Sometimes he's done in 3 minutes, sometimes he's down to the wire.

Yesterday he and I went out to wait for the bus and after ten minutes, the bus never showed up.  Our bus driver is never late.  We went back to the house and I told Jack that I would drive him to school.  When I did, there were no cars at the school and no kids waiting to go in.  We drove home and I looked at the school calendar, which I had not transferred to the new kitchen calendar.  Yesterday was a professional education day for the teachers.  Sigh.  Jack and I had a good day though.  Grocery shopping and "Bluey" with popcorn.  Then we went shopping for Pokemon cards which were nowhere to be found.  He bought a facemask instead and when we got home we had a bullet gun fight.  Nana is an excellent shot:)

I did find a little time to work with some clay.  Clay relaxes me so much.  It also irritates me.  This mug was originally going to be a coil made vase.  Clay doesn't always turn out the way you want it to, much like life.  I'm happy with the mug though.  I continue to improve with my mugs and that makes me feel good too.

 Miss Katie has had some difficulties these past two years.  Her behavior deteriorated and then improved, a couple of times.  Yesterday when I picked her up for lunch, she was agitated.  It was like she was being pushed from the inside.  We got to the mall, I ordered some subway for us and then she started crying, just sobbing.  I put our lunch in her backpack and we headed to my house.

When we got there, she seemed okay but didn't eat much.  Then she wanted to go back to her house, so I bundled her back into my car and drove her home.  When we got there, she just sat and cried again, sobbing.  Her urine smelt awful and I wondered if she had a UTI.  I went home and tried calling some pharmacies to see if they could help, nope.  One pharmacist suggested Katie should see her family doctor who not only doesn't work weekends but usually has a two week wait to see anyone.  Plus she was in pain now.

I checked Emerg wait times and decided on the Grey Nuns Hospital because it was close to her house and had a relatively short wait time, 3 hours.  Last month a man died in the same emergency room after waiting for 8 hours to be seen by a doctor and I was actually nervous about taking her there.  Katie seemed okay in the waiting room, trying to engage everyone she could see.  She had bloodwork done which caused a lot of screaming (her) and crying (both of us).  I had even thought to bring some water so I kept getting her to drink and I managed to get a urine sample for them.

The wait wasn't too bad, about 3 hours and we were taken in to see a doc.  Katie started crying when we got to the room, she was no longer distracted (which I only figured out later).  The doc checked Katie over, she cried a lot and was screaming, ordered gravol, toradol, and a CT scan.  The doc said Katie's urine sample was fine, so they were going to check her abdomen.  So the nurses started an IV, more screaming and crying, more bloodwork because one of the vials clotted.  I was surprised to see that the meds worked, Katie settled down and I felt guilty because I hadn't realized that Katie was in that much pain.  Then the nurses gave Katie some ativan for the CT scan and Katie relaxed even more.  

She had her scan, laying still for the scan, which shocked me.  The results, Katie has an ovarian cyst and I wonder if it has been bothering her for awhile which would explain the behavioral issues which come up once in awhile.  She was in pain and didn't know what was going on or how to tell us, which takes me back to all behavior is communication.  When I took her home she was like a drunk poor girl, unsteady on her feet from the ativan.  I helped get her ready for bed and left her with her caregivers.

She has an appointment for an US this week and some pain meds.  We'll see what the US shows and she may need an MRI which would require a lot more sedation.  I had an ovarian cyst in my forties that required surgery to remove, so I guess we'll see what happens.

Update.  Katie is okay and I'm taking her for her US scan this morning.  When I called her house yesterday, she was crying again.  Apparently she had been fine, telling her caregiver her story of what happened, but when a new caregiver came, Katie told the story all over again and started crying.  I feel quite bad that I didn't realize what was going on with her.  I had no way of knowing, but I still feel like I failed her somehow.

Edmonton river valley looking south.  It's cold today, really cold, and I'm grumpy.  I've always thought that January is far too long and dark.  I imagine that people have felt the same way about winter for thousands and thousands of years.  Nothing new here.  I have it pretty easy compared to the people that lived in Alberta 11,000 years ago, even 100 years ago.  I have central heating, groceries, running hot and cold water, vaccines to prevent diseases, medications, and a vehicle with heated seats, but I still hate the cold and feel stuck.  I always feel stuck in January.  

This is my back yard and the poor sun trying to drag it's ass over the horizon, half an hour after I put Jack on the bus.  Heidi is a hardy soul and can stand the cold much better than Charlie.

I'll live.  Or as mum used to always say, "Fool 'em and live."  I have no idea where she first heard that.

So today will be working on the quilt.  I'm almost done the top cover for it, then I'll choose a backing fabric for it and send it off to the quilters.  I would like to give it to my other grandson, as Jack's doesn't seem interested in it and I've not made anything for my other grandson, ever.  He'll be five this summer, Jack will be seven in April.  The interesting thing about getting older is that you can look back over such a long period of time.  You can see patterns that have formed, and you know that things always change.  Nothing is forever.

I had another x-ray done on the lump on my clavicle and it's nothing, so I'm glad about that.  I think that's been bothering me.  I worry about dying before Jack has finished growing up.  My blood pressure is up, mum had hypertension and I have it too.  The doctor sent me home with instructions to measure my blood pressure four times a day to see if it's time to put me on anti-hypertensives.  All of the anti-hypertensives have side effects which I would prefer to avoid, but a rock and a hard place.

I went to pottery yesterday and enjoyed myself as always.  I worked on a casserole dish but I'm not satisfied with it and may make another one.  I'll decide next week.  I also made a delicate little vase.  I'm not sure it'll hold up to firing and glazing.  Practice.  Practice failing.  

Jack wants to know why he has to read everyday after school and I told him because we all need to practice things if we want to get better at them.  His reading is amazing compared to where he was in September but he is still learning.  He's doing very well in math and he gets lots of opportunities to practice dealing with his anger on the bus and the on the playground.  He gives me lots of opportunities to practice with my own anger as well.  

I think I've known I have ADHD since my son was diagnosed more than thirty years ago, but I didn't realize how much ADHD had affected my own life.  I didn't understand how distracted and distractable I was, or how easily I became overwhelmed and angry, or why I couldn't stick to anything.  I felt a lot of shame.  I thought if I could just figure something out, then I would be fine.  I read a lot of self help books looking for answers, a lot.  I went to counsellors and even tried hypnosis. Nothing helped.  Medication might have helped but it was never offered and I didn't understand why it would have helped.  I wanted so badly to be a good person, a calm person, a better person.  I was ashamed of how easily I became overwhelmed and didn't even understand that I was overwhelmed.  I thought I was deficient because I couldn't do what others seemed to be able to do so easily and so much better.  I didn't understand why I was so contrary and I hated being that way, even as I continued to be like that.

There is a lot of self hate and shame that goes along with ADHD and I don't want Jack to feel like that for the rest of his life.  And even as I write this, I know how many times a day I tell him to slow down, to focus, to stop being who he is because he is so exhausting to me and once again I feel shame and a sense of failure.  Having ADHD and parenting someone with ADHD is an endless circle of anger, regret, and shame.  

The course we took in the fall helped with those feelings.  It was good to hear from other parents who felt the same way and I think I might reach out to a couple of those moms.  We all need support.

It's done!

Update.  For some reason blogger won't let me reply to comments.  Bah!

An old photo from Vancouver Island, but it makes me feel hopeful that winter will end, the snow will melt, and the trees will leaf out again.  

Sadly the news does not make me hopeful.  trump fuckery continues.  Now he wants Greenland.  He is like a greedy toddler who is never satisfied with what he has.  In Buddhist terms he is a hungry ghost, with an insatiable need for more due to his greed and attachment to life (or in my opinion, his fear of death).

I'm tense and my muscles know it.  Jack knows it too.  He is a very empathetic child, but like children often do, he attributes my tension to his actions.  It's not just him either, I do the same, and so does Katie.  I can feel the anger, the irritation, the fear in others but I usually don't know what causes it.  Sometimes it is easy to figure out, someone has cancer = fear, anger, grief, sadness.  Someone has just lost someone = fear, anger, grief, sadness.  Those are the much easier ones to understand but humans grieve so many things, loss of health, loss of independence, loss of a job, loss of our own values, loss of friendships, loss of autonomy, loss of dreams, or loss of meaningful work.  The list is endless and it's anyone's guess what is causing the anger, or the irritation, or the fear in others.  But it's there and it's palpable.  I see it in how someone moves their body, in their facial expressions, in their words, and in the tone of their voice.  I can feel it all around me right now.

I think it's the tension that's making me so tired too, again, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.  "Fatigue makes cowards of us all", which is what an authoritarian leader depends on.  Keep the pressure on, make life so chaotic and unpredictable that people are too tired and worn out to respond.  Grind them down for so long that people are no longer able to fight back and then do as you please.  It's not just happening in the US, it's happening in Alberta as well, and it definitely happened in Gaza.  The best way to bring a society to it's knees is to starve them.  

I guess I should be thankful that I grew up in such peaceful times, because these times right now, they're hard to deal with.  I wonder how my parents coped.  

On that bright note, here's some funnies to lighten the mood.

My life is so exciting, especially in January.  At night, I'm darning my socks while we watch tv.

The dogs don't understand why I won't take them for a walk as soon as Jack has gone to school.  The sun doesn't rise until 8:42 this morning and I came across this coyote scat the other day.  I'm not walking in the woods, in the dark, with coyotes nearby.  They don't scare me but I do respect their space.

It's been nice enough the last couple of weeks to take Jack to the dog park with me and Heidi.  It's good exercise for him and lots of fresh air.  I picked him up from school on Wednesday for early dismissal which means there is enough time and light to go for a walk.  He couldn't stay out of the snow, wasn't wearing a coat, and ended up wet and cold, (no coat because it was 13C). He had a warm bath while I made supper.  Question, are all boys drawn to deep snow?  Or is it all kids? 

  

Yesterday I had a bad day, crying, angry, and then just sad.  The world fuckery got to me all at once.  Today is good again thankfully and tomorrow the pottery ladies are coming for book club.  We read "The Spoon Stealer" by Lesley Crewe and I quite enjoyed it.  I'm so looking forward to spending the evening with them.

The weather here has been strangely warm and the snow is melting fast, turning into ice and making everything slippery as hell.  I felt better yesterday and got both dogs walked.  I no longer feel like there is a piano tied to my ass, which is nice.  My husband stayed home yesterday, still not feeling good.  He's back to work today but I imagine he will be beat by the time he gets home.  Jack has early dismissal so I'm going to pick him up and we'll take Heidi with us to the dog park.

I finally had all of the required forms signed and notarized for me to head downtown and drop everything off at the Office of Public Guardian and Trustee.  It took me longer to find a parking spot than the amount of time I is was in the office.  I'm sure we've done something wrong because government forms seem to be designed to make your question your intellect, your decision making ability, and your will to live.  Now that I think about it, my ex-husband did the same:)

I haven't been down by the Law Courts for years and things have changed.  Construction everywhere and even a whole new Royal Alberta Museum that I've never been to.  I just checked online and the museum has been open for the last eight years.  Sigh.  I don't get out much.

Yesterday I also had to do hard math, trying to figure out how much fabric I needed to finish up the quilt.  I finally got a number that seemed to work and set off into Edmonton to buy the fabric. I got half way there and realized I didn't have the fabric with me to match the colour.  Drove back home, picked up the fabric swatch and then thought I would try in Sherwood Park.  They had the fabric, in the right colour, but not four metres of it.  I went back to Edmonton.  Fabricland didn't have the right colour, so I drove to Marshall's and they had the right colour and I was able to get four metres of it.  So I'll either have too much fabric, not enough fabric, or just the right amount of fabric.  It's really anyone's guess:)

We were watching "Suits" again last night and somebody said something which seemed profound and I thought, wouldn't it be nice to have a team of writers providing you with material when you're in the middle of conflict and can't think straight. Or when you want to tell someone how you feel about them. No wonder we like entertainment, it's life 2.0.  People have the answers, the conflict is manufactured, they don't clean their homes, never pee or poop, don't get sick (usually), and don't have to decide what to make for supper every fucking night.  That's my rant for today.  

I'm happy and healthy.  The sun is shining and we're having pizza for supper tonight.  Job done.