Before You Leave.......

Hi there,

Just a few thoughts....

It was so natural to have you home. Not like a guest but rather a family member coming home from a long trip. I love that. It makes me feel more connected and content. 

I know that leaving is a natural part of life, but I never went that far from my mom so I always felt very connected. I wasn't sure if it would be that way with you three. You've gone far and now further still. But it's nice to know that even though it is different, it is the same. 

You are an incredible man. I hope that you always know that. Not that your mom thinks it, but that you, deep within yourself, know it to be true. If not, start now with a different track in your head. One that values you...warts and all. We all have flaws but our own unconditional love is vital for peace and happiness to settle in. Remember to love the parts that fail...... it is human to do so. I didn't always know that. I felt ashamed of my failures and, therefore, had to hide them from the world, hide myself. Now I can fail and know that everyone won't turn their back but, more importantly, I won't turn my back on myself.

You guys are always welcome. I will be a safe harbor if needed and if not, I will be a good friend.

love ME

Who Gave It To You

I am reading a book called Motherless Daughters. So far, I find it is touching parts of me that I have tidily put away. I wasn't a child when I lost my mother but the child inside of me still needed her. That part that couldn't quite grow up, that piece that didn't trust the world or herself.

I think of some of my friends who lost their mothers young or whose mothers were not able to be mothers for whatever reason and I ache for them even though, a few in particular, are incredibly strong women; far more well adapted for this world than I am. I remember my sister telling me that when a friend asked her about her family, she, without any forethought and with utter surprise, said, "I am an orphan". She was 55 and 57 when my parents died.

I still miss my mom, 10 years on, but through counseling and ACA and healing, I don't sit in it and feel like I need her to come save me, hold me and comfort me in my pain. Now I miss her dear friendship and one of the few true sources of unconditional love.

One of my favorite memories was the day I turned 16. My brother-in-law took me to get my drivers license. We got home, thanked him profusely, and mom and I went for our first of many long rides. She didn't drive and we counted on other people to get us where we needed to go. Imagine the freedom....a kind of toned down Thelma and Louise. We didn't get home til after dark. We laughed each time I stalled that little Datsun, the clutch being a nuisance whenever I stopped on a incline. But we did it.....together.

I am grateful for these feelings of loss. Not everyone is fortunate to have the sacred memories of a loving parent. For those who don't, I hope the universe provided for you in a meaningful way. I think of one blogging friend who is able to give that beautiful, unconditional love to herself...she amazes me.

I'd love to hear a favorite memory of your mom or of someone that offered you unconditional love that your mom should have.

It's A Beautiful Day

When I was going through the hardest time of my life, finding reasons to smile were difficult for me. Spending much time in fear, my focus was still in victim mode. I could not, for the life of me, see the good that might come from the situation. 

During the harder times, one of the few things in my life that could make me smile and put my cares aside was this little nutball.  She had no agenda, no expectations and no pain that needed tending. She just loved me and put no demands on me except to be acknowledged and fed. I could manage that with very little effort when all else seemed so daunting.

The situation has slowly settled over the last two years and much good has come from it. Yes, my marriage ended badly and the Secret Keeper, whom I love, struggles to hold on to his life, but the good things are many. A few things I am grateful for:

1.      A wonderful, loving partnership with the Boy Scout.

2.     A richer and more mature relationship with my kids.

3.     Learning to rely on myself for happiness and peace.

4.    Learning to trust in God in a new way.

5.     Al-Anon bringing new people and a new way of thinking.

6.    Open mindedness.

7.     Compassion for people with mental illness.

8.    A new understanding of what unconditional love means.

Hope you find your smile today love.

Experience, Strength and Hope

Cannot deny it. It can be challenging to keep a good attitude, to not allow small resentments to build up at this place I am in life.

There was my old life from way back, there was that difficult transition period that took about 7 years, there was my time in the desert that, thanks to God, an amazing family, learning to be grateful and Al-Anon, did not take nearly as long as I thought it would and there is now. My NOW is good, really good but not without its struggles.

Today I am grateful for a tiny little ACA Al-Anon meeting with a small group of warriors that will regularly share their experience, strength and hope with me. They let me know I am doing OK and that even though I have a long way to go, I am on the right track. Last night I was reminded that by doing a daily inventory any problems can be dealt with and resolved. Resentments do not have to erupt....they can be talked out and smoothed over. I am working on it.

In my experience, one cannot replace the unconditional love of a parent. There are times when my soul so desperately needs to be held in my mothers arms, with her telling me I will be OK, but learning to share my heartaches with others, acquiring the skills to state what I need helps tremendously.

Today I am also grateful for Boy Scouts that stay solid and on firm ground and do not flee when facing the storms. Surviving the storm the Boy Scout remains and tells me everything will be alright.