6597 - Saturday jokes

Grocery shopping is just paying money to still not know what to make for dinner. (Bilbo)

The reason we believe facts and science is not because we're "liberal." It's because we're "literate."

tRUMP is the kind of asshole that other assholes look at and say "Now THERE'S an asshole".

I used to be a libtard.

Then I was a snowflake.

Then I was woke.

Now I'm radical left scum.

It's good to evolve.

I was wrapping Christmas gifts in the morning and nobody else was here so I had to bop myself over the head with an empty wrapping paper roll.

tRUMP says his life was better before becoming president. 

Interestingly, our lives were better too.

White supremacists use the bible to justify their racism.

Problem is, there are no white people in the bible.

I’m at that age where the most exciting text I get is, "Your prescription is ready for pickup." (Bilbo)

When you lack the vocabulary to explain how stupid you are...

wear a red MAGA baseball cap.

Believing facts and trusting science doesn't mean you're "liberal".

It just means you can read.

Some definitions...

Coffee - the person upon one coughs.

Flabbergasted - appalled over how much weight you've gained.

Willy-nilly - impotent.

Negligent - you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph - walking with a lisp.

Flatulance - an emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Circumvent - an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Frisbeetarianism - the belief that when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof an gets stuck there.

A MAGA man said, "I'm tellin' you, just one more tax cut for the rich and it's bound to trickle down to us!"

Your future doctor is using ChatGPT to pass med school. So you better start eating healthy now.

Two cowboys were lost in the desert.

One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree! We’re saved!” 

He runs up to the tree and gets shot at.

It wasn’t a bacon tree. It was a ham bush. (John)

It's hard to argue with a woman that's braless when she's already made two outstanding points.

#ANALBUMCOVER

I read it wrong too.

That's why we're friends.

New Year, New Me...ntal issues.

I may not be that good looking, or athletic, or funny, or talented, or smart, but … uh ... I forgot where I was going with this, but I do love bacon. (Bilbo)

A kid born in 2010 is now 26 years old. 

Wrap your head around that one and feel old. ... wait...

My doctor has given me three days to give up drinking.

I've picked June 5th, July 17th, and October 9th.

Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7!

Reminder that during the holidays, no matter how much chocolate you eat, your shoes will still fit.

It was only when I bought a motorcycle that I found out that adrenaline is brown.

If we removed all the margarine from Earth...The world would be a butter place.

You know Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother... Sudden Lee.

We should start seeing Valentines Day stuff in stores anytime now.

I finally know why they call me a grown up.

I groan every time I get up.

My age doesn't bother me. 

It's the side effects.

It's time for some early morning yoga. 

And by "early morning yoga," I mean putting on my socks.

I'm adopting a healthier lifestyle, so I parked and walked inside to buy donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

I'm going to start a taxi service for seniors and call it Oldsmobile.

I used to just crastinate. 

Then I decided to go pro.

I always set two alarms. One for the person I want to be and one for the person I actually am.

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

Regular rocks are too heavy.

Son: Hey Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend.

Dad: You can do better.

Son: Thanks Dad!

Dad: I wasn't talking to you.

Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park, laughing at all the joggers.

You Know That Little Voice In Your Head That Keeps You From Saying Things You Shouldn't? 

I Should Probably Get One Of Those.

I don't always go home for the holidays.

But when I do, I remember why I left.

I am not lazy. I am just in energy saving mode.

No, I don't watch soap operas, because I have Facebook...and there is a new episode every five minutes.

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people... 

1. They would spend it on alcohol. 

2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

If you're already late, take your time. You can't be late twice.

A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.

6596 - Thursday trees

Welcome to 2026.

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

6595 - Temp drop

Sunday's high 78f  (24c)

Monday morning 16f  (-9c) wind chill -3f (-19c)

6594 - Long joke Sunday

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. 

Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" 

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." 

"I got one too... see?" 

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." 

Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" 

"Why, actually, yes, I do." 

"I do too! See? It's right here!" 

"Uh-huh." 

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" 

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" 

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" 

The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. 

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. 

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. 

He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. 

The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. 

The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. 

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" 

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" 

"Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." 

And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

6593 - Saturday jokes

Sign on the back of a pickup truck...

Motherf**kers stole my plate. Called 911. They wouldn't send anyone out. Went to DMV. They need an officer to sign paper. PLEASE pull me over!

1 out of 3 tRUMP supporters are just as stupid as the other 2.

Just so we're clear: We wouldn't be in NONE of this mess if they had just believed Anita Hill.

My Christmas rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It's also raisin free. And cake free.

OK it's just rum.

If you see a blonde white woman wearing a cross on Fox News, you know you're about to hear the most anti Jesus shit you've ever heard in your life.

When I was 5 I swore that bird seeds grew birds, thus the name. My parents asked me to prove it so I planted a pile of bird seeds in the backyard. The next day there were loads of birds where I planted the seeds, thus proving I was right.

I was sent to HR after saying my coworkers are like Christmas lights...

They all hang together, half don't work, and the rest aren't that bright.

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course --'

She said, "Don't forget your hat."

tRUMP is expected to rename the San Andreas fault to Joe Bidens fault.

Sometimes I feel down. But then I remember I could have been born with an IQ low enough to think tRUMP is an amazing president.

We are at the stage of authoritarianism where we are watching bootlegged news from Canada.

I threw a boomerang a few years back.

I've been living in fear ever since.

I'm looking for people who are interested in turning $100 into $4000. This is not a pyramid scheme. We will be selling crack.

Never cheat in a limbo contest.

It's the lowest thing you can do.

R.I.P. boiled water.  

You will be mist.

What is it called when a teacher breaks a bone in July?

A bad summer break.

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

What runs all day but never gets tired?

Water.

What do cows say when you milk them?

I'm udderly grateful.

What is the ideal job for someone who loves to eat?

A forklift driver.

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

If you get a link called 'free porn' don't opin it. It's a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and screws up you witing. I also receibed it but lukily I don't uaatch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends. Wanks.

I put my bathroom scale in the corner and that's where that little liar will stay until it apologizes.

My daughter defused my son's repeated 6-7's perfectly. Since my son turned 7 yrs old he has picked up the 6-7 meme, presumably from school friends. My daughter turned 4 and innocently assumed 6-7 was something to do with her brother's age, so she responds with "3-4" every time! Think it's her first dad joke!

My kid asked if we could hang out and do a puzzle. I said sure. Then he said a crossword. Fine. Then sudoku. Okay. Then he goes, can we do connect-the-dots?

That’s where I draw the line.

What has 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat, and 2/4 goat?

Chicago.

Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Its parents were in a jam.

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I'm surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but is not a dad?

A Faux Pa!

If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep?

On an heir mattress.

I got fired from the keyboard factory.

They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

What will be the final product Apple will ever produce?

iQuit.

Jesus stood up and said “I’m the son of God” and the people were like “no way”

And Jesus said "Yahweh"!

Right after they have sex, a man asks his wife, "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

She replies, "Because you told me not to call you at work."