It's cold and going to get colder here so I'm staying inside and baking.  Jack was home sick yesterday but is back to school today so I was able to decorate the gingerbread men, without "help".  There are still more to decorate and he'll help with those:)

I went to my new bookclub on Saturday night and it was fantastic.  It's the ladies from my pottery class, we talked about the book, and then we talked about everything else, life, women's rights, children, husbands (past and present), grief, childbirth, and taking care of things (like vehicles, toilets, trailers, etc).  

There was drinking, not me, I was the designated driver for three of the ladies who can't drive at night, and then we made Christmas ornaments.  It was our first club meeting and the woman whose house is was at set up a craft for us to do.  Although we all take pottery together, which would be considered crafty, our skill set varies, a lot.  One of the ladies is a bona fide painter, I am not.  Her ornaments were gorgeous, the rest of us tried our best:)  And we all had fun.  It was fabulous.  It's good to have female friends, we need each other.  

Jack and I continue to meet up with my son for swimming on Saturday afternoons.  My son is on time, respectful, and even smiles.  It's a huge change for him.  He also takes his other son swimming on Sundays.  He's trying and I appreciate that.  The other day he even gave me a hug which surprised me.  He's going back to school to become a carpenter, he's working in construction now as a carpenter and can stay on at his job as an apprentice.  Trade workers are always needed.  

The biggest surprise this past week was the help my ex-husband provided in applying for us to be Katie's trustee.  He did pretty much all the work, including talking to the guy at the Office of the Public Guardian and Trustee.  It was way less work than I imagined, everything is sorted out, just the signing left and then I'll take it to the Public Guardians Office.  I thanked him for his help and it's good to know that he will help with Miss Katie.  The application will take a long time to go through the system but nothing I can do about that.  The government will just to wait.  They're the ones that caused the backlog in the first place.

Not much else going on.  And now for a funny.

Christmas baking has begun.  I screwed these shortbreak cookies up, but they taste fine.  They're lemon ginger shortbread, spicy and delicious.  For some reason I only put in 1/2 cup of butter instead of 1 cup.  They seemed way too dry, so I added more butter, problem solved, but they were still difficult to roll into a log so I compromised made them into a rectangle shape.  Still taste good.

Last night was Jack's Christmas concert which was lovely.  It wasn't too cold, hovering around 0C, so standing waiting for the doors to open wasn't a hardship.  The concert was short too, only an hour, which is much better for little kids.  He looked very nice in a button up shirt and khaki pants.  Usually he picks out his own clothes and looks like a homeless child.  His sweats all have the knees gone and have been patched a multiple times.  He also loves oversize hoodies and he's always dirty by the time he gets home from school.  It was nice to see him dressed up.  One of the kids looked like he was wearing a tux.  You do you.

We got home by 8:30 and he was asleep by 8:36.  He was miserable as sin when we got home, exhausted by a late night, but is fine this morning.  Yay.

I finally talked to a lovely lawyer yesterday and we will be applying for a guardianship review and trusteeship.  To hire a lawyer to do it, it would cost between $3000-$5000.  We're going to do it ourselves and my ex husband is helping this time which I appreciate.  It takes up to a year for the process to go to court and be approved.  Of course there is a backlog right now because of the Canada Disability Benefit applications and the provincial government being a dick, but at least the process has begun now.

It's quiet here right now.  It's snowing/raining.  Emergency rooms will be busy today with accidents and heart attacks.  I'm glad I'm retired.  I stopped by work two days ago to get signatures for a petition and got, and gave, lots of hugs.  It was nice to see my work family.

I could have worked on Jack's quilt this morning, but I wanted a break from it and I miss the clay.  I decided to make another mug and my skills have improved a lot over the last six months which makes me happy.  I've been practicing, and watching lots of videos about making mugs from clay slabs.  

I took the dogs out this morning for a walk.  Charlie and I usually walk around this pond which is now frozen over, no more ducks, geese, or coots.  I imagine there are a few muskrats, warm and safe in their homes.  There are coyote tracks on the snow, hoping to find a muskrat I'm guessing.
 

I called a lawyer's office again this morning, still nothing.  I called another law office that we've used for real estate, they also provide estate planning, and I can't get through to them either.  I also wrote the Federal Minister who is in charge of this whole debacle.  It's starting to feel a little personal but I have decided to stop worrying about everything.  There is only so much I can do and what will be, will be.  We'll see how long that lasts:)

I just got a phone call from Jack's school and he's been in another fight at school during recess.  There was a kerfuffle over a toque and Jack punched a kid, and the other kid punched Jack back (good!).  But now of course we have to deal with it once he gets home because violence is not allowed.  You can get mad, you can yell, but you need to walk away.  He knows this because we just spent ten weeks learning about all this stuff.  More practice required.  He is six and still learning to deal with some big emotions, with a brain that is wired to go turbo speed, or veg out speed, and with the two speeds alternating throughout the day.  Nana has that problem as well, all or nothing.

Jack is enjoying swimming with me and his dad on Saturdays, and I'm enjoying it too.  When I was growing up I was usually in the pool two or three times a week and I loved it.  It's nice to get back into the water.  There are things I can no longer do, like get out of the pool gracefully, but it feels good to stretch my muscles.  I refuse to look at myself in a mirror and figure others will just have to deal with my body as it is.  Last week there were some teenage boys spitting water at each other.  I did point out to them that the water they were putting in their mouths, had been in contact with everyone's butt, but I should have said that the water had been in contact with everyone's dicks.  That probably would have grossed them out more:)  Next time.

 

We had some snow.  Yesterday's walk with Charlie.  About three weeks ago there was a scarf hanging on that fence to the left, no idea where it came from.  Nobody claimed it, even though lots of people could see it as they were out walking.  Then about a week ago, the scarf moved to a bush on the right.  Still nothing.  A couple of days ago, I figured it was long enough and took the scarf home.  I was going to wash it and donate it.  I washed and dried that scarf and then I looked at the label.  It's made of cashmere.  Jack now has a cashmere scarf.

There is nothing going on here.  I spent most of the week working on a quilt for Jack, listening to the radio.  

I did finally here from the lawyer centre and because it is me asking for the advice and not Katie, it will be more costly.  I thanked the lady and told her that I did not want to take up services for low income people and could contact a lawyer myself.  I called an estate lawyer yesterday and did not hear back.  I'll try again on Monday.

I was reading about this Canada Disability Benefit and apparently the federal government is to blame as well for the poor roll out.  Whoever is ultimately repsonsible for this fuckery, a pox upon them!

 

It was cold this morning, and it still is.  I took Charlie for a walk but didn't go far as my face was too cold.  I did take a few photos in the back yard though.  For some reason my raspberries produced fruit twice this summer, once late in the fall which I didn't even notice until is was too late to pick them.

I tried Boud's oatmeal bars and can confirm that they are easy to make and delicious.  Next time I may put a tablespoon of cocoa powder in instead of the cinnamon, or maybe both.

 I meant to work on Jack's quilt today but I also had some navy beans soaking, so I made baked beans and the oatmeal bars.  That seemed to take up some time.  And then I was also reading blogs and doing laundry.  Now it's after lunch and it's early dismissal today for Jack, so I'll pick him up at school and we'll take Heidi to the dog park for a walk.

As I sit at my desk typing, I can see a squirrel foraging in the back yard.  I just took off with a fallen pear in it's mouth (the pears are quite small, ornamental).

Otherwise, nothing is going on in my life.  I miss Jack's skills group and I miss my pottery group.  I am in the middle of trying to figure out how to apply for trusteeship for Miss Katie because an informal trustee is not good enough for someone and her Canada Disability Benefit has been denied.  I also found out that as of July next year, she will be put on ADAP which "...will empower Albertans with disabilities to pursue fullfilling job opportunities...".  If anybody is medically unable to work, they will be moved back to AISH.  As per usual, the government of Alberta does everything ass backwards.  I'd love to see Katie working for Danielle Smith.  Katie is great at shaking hands and pulling hair.  If the job was too stressful, she could bang her face on the wall or floor like she does at home when stressed.  

I wrote a letter to the Minister of whatever fucking department takes care of AISH and a manager called me a couple of hours later, saying she had been instructed to call me.  She was very nice but could not answer my questions about trusteeship, not could the Office of the Public Guardian.  Everyone says call a lawyer.  My daughter lives below the poverty level, but she should pay for a lawyer that this fucking government department should be able to answer?

This seems exceedingly complicated and expensive for disabled people to sort out, but of course nobody asked me.  Maybe that's why I'm a little grumpy today.  I am waiting for a call back from the Edmonton Community Legal Centre which provides free legal advice for low income people, so far, 48 hours and nothing.  

Two more mugs that I made.  Pine cones with pine needles, and oak leaves.  I love both of these mugs.

Jack has been having a hard time sleeping for the past few weeks and when I though about it, I realized he's had a hard time sleeping since he stayed overnight for Halloween with his grandma and his mom.  Last week he finally told us why, he told us about a movie his mom was watching which involved robbery, killing, and dismemberment.  Why on earth would this bother a child?

His mom denies watching such a movie with him in the room, but Jack's behavior says otherwise.  In the mean time, we're now taking turns with him in our beds and nobody is really sleeping that well.  He prefers poppa's bed because poppa is big and he knows poppa can protect him.  I assured him that I could also protect him, with farts, and then I let out a fart.  He thought that was pretty funny.

I'm trying to sort out Katie's Canada Disability Benefit that the provincial government insists that all people in the province of Alberta who are on AISH apply for, so that the provincial government can then call that earnings and claw it back.  It's $200/month which turns into about $150 million for the provincial government.  Did I mention that our provincial government is despicable?

So I had to apply for Canada Disability Credit and the Canada Disability Benefit and now I have to apply to be her trustee as well, so that I can deal with these because nobody can talk to me on the phone about her applications because I'm not her trustee (or at least that's their best guess because they can't access her file, because I'm not her trustee, maybe).  We didn't apply to be trustees fifteen years ago because nobody told us to.  There are 10 forms for all of us to fill in, which amounts to 66 pages of forms, plus her doctor has to fill in another Capacity Assessment Report.  Of course, all of these forms cost money as well.  We're able to pay but not everyone is.

I'm rage cleaning, but not really.  More irritation cleaning.  I seldom get into a rage these days which is lovely.  And I'll walk the dogs after lunch and that will help as well.

Two of the mugs that I made this last session.  I used plants, pressed into the clay, to make the imprints.  The ferns are from my garden and the wild grass is from my walks with the dogs.  The glaze is faux celadon.

Sabine asked me to list my coping strategies to deal with ADHD that I've learned the hard way.

When I was young, I was always late for everything.  I would leave home at the time I was supposed to be someplace.  Over the years I've learned to think backwards to get to places on time, which usually works, but not 100% of the time.  If I have an appointment for 10 am, I know I need to shower and get dressed (20-30 min), drive there (the other end of Sherwood Park is 10-15 min, Edmonton is usually 30 min to downtown).  If I need to pick up Katie for a doctor appointment, her house is 15 minutes away, takes 10 minutes to get her in the car, and to get to her doctor is 30 minutes.  Google maps has really helped with this because it can tell you how long the drive is.  I then just back up the time, so I know when I have to shower and leave the house.  I usually build in extra time for things I didn't expect, like long lights.  I'm also teaching Jack this.  It probably sounds pretty basic but when I was young, it was not basic for me.  It took a long time to learn.

Small talk is difficult for me.  I much prefer in depth, personal conversations, which a lot of people really don't feel comfortable with.  Nursing helped me there.  I learned to make small talk with people while I was caring for them.  Working in diagnostic imaging also helped because we had the same people over and over again.  I often remembered my patients, at the beginning anyway, and they appreciated that I remembered them.  I ask questions.  People usually like to talk about themselves and I let them.  I also listen and I try not to interrupt.  I also make my responses personal as well, so that there is a connection.  Having a good memory helped, although that ship has sailed:)

Understanding that I need quiet time was big for me.  I had three kids, one disabled/autistic, two with ADHD, and an alcoholic ex husband.  Our house was chaotic but I tried so hard to make it a stable, peaceful place.  I don't know that I was that successful but I tried so fucking hard.  Katie especially needed a quiet place, a predictable place, which helped me.  It was hard for me to slow down and accept peace, but I think she made me and that helped me more than I realized.  

I make lists about everything.  What I need to do, where I need to go, groceries lists, and I have a calendar with everything on it.  I also use tricks to remind me.  If I am doing laundry, but need to get something from upstairs, I leave the basket in the hallway so I will see it and it will remind me when I come back downstairs that I am doing laundry.  If I'm warming up clothes in the dryer to fold them, I will leave the light on in the laundry room to remind me so that the clothes don't warm up for another 20 minutes when they only need a few minutes to get the wrinkles out.  If I need to clean the bathtub, I'll sprinkle the cleaner in the bathtub and then I can't even use the bathtub until I clean it.  My keys always go in my purse, I use muscle memory a lot.  It helps if I leave things in the same place all the time too.  When I go to a mall or a store, I try to always park in the same place, to help me find the car again.  Routines help me a lot.  I also use timers now so I don't get lost doing something and all of a sudden 30 or 60 minutes have passed without me realizing it.

I also have a hard time with overstimulation.  Busy, noisy places drain me and I avoid them now.  I seek out quiet spaces like the dog park and the woods.  That helps calm me.  

Exercise has also always helped me.  I lifted weights and did cardio in the gym for years and then in my late thirties I discovered race walking.  The exercise was wonderful, but so were the people.  I understand now how much walking helps calm my mind and my body, especially when I'm upset or angry.

Learning more about ADHD has really helped too.  Understanding how my brain is wired, why I do the things I do, has made me feel less crazy and too much, and more accepting of myself.  I'm not doing this on purpose.  My ex always told me I was too much, so did my family.  Too loud.  Too dramatic.  Too emotional, just too fucking much.  I was a disappointment to my ex husband, to my children, to my coworkers, to my friends and to my parents and siblings.  That weighs pretty heavy on a person and no wonder I ended up depressed.

Now I understand a lot better why I am the way I am.  I'm not a bad person, not a crazy person, and not too much.  I am just me.  Someone who loves hard, who feels deeply, who talks too much about personal stuff, who has a hard time sitting still, who loves learning new skills and then wants to move on to learn another new skill, who loves both stimulation and peace and quiet, and someone who is finally starting to love herself (warts and all).