Happy New Year's Eve

Year’s End

The stillness of evening
sinks
and settles ‘round me
like a gentle
threadbare cloak,
well used,
well loved.

The year is dying,
I feel it slip
shivering from my bones,
its days distilling
in my heart —
some so sweet
I smile and glow,
some bitter and stinging
like a wind of sleet.

When the dying comes,
when the moment of transition
shakes me,
can I look
to a new dawn?
Can I open
to a new day,
a new way?

Can I bury
an old grudge,
a recent hurt,
a jealousy,
a loss,
a fear
deep in earth’s darkness
and let the magic there
transform a thing of pain
into a thing of joy?

Can I plant a seed of peace,
cherish my effort
and watch an alchemy
of love push through?

May it be.

May the dying of this
well-worn solar year,
this cloak of time
be the birthing
of a shining sprout.
May the hopeful wings
of a new garment
unfurl in a morning
bright with possibility.

~ Rebekah Myers, “Year’s End”
copyright © by Rebekah Myers,
December 30, 2021

Art: Elaine Bayley
@bayley.elaineillustrations

Wishing for Snow

My sweet, sweet friend, Julie K., sent me this Churn Dash quilt that she made for me.  I was so surprised and absolutely delighted!!  Isn't it gorgeous?  And the kitties had to check it out right away.  They definitely approved.  Thank you more than words can express, Julie, for your kindness and generosity.  You are a beautiful soul.

We had snow showers yesterday.  It has been a long time since we've had any snow and I miss it.  I am such a kid about snow.  I had to go out in it, just HAD to!!  So I bundled up and took a walk in the swirling dancing snowflakes.  It was absolutely lovely!! I know it creates real difficulties for those who have to go out in it---to work or to check on someone, but selfishly I would love a big snow.  It's like it gives permission to curl up on the couch with a book and a blanket and spend the day, guilt-free.

I took another covid test yesterday evening since it's been almost 10 days.  It was positive.  I don't know what to think about that except that after the fun year of heart surgeries that I've had my immune system must be shot.  So I will continue to hibernate.  That is not a hardship for me.  I am such a hermit anyway, and I have hardly been out of the house this year except for doctors' appointments and walks on my street.  There are places I want to go, and people that I need/want to see, but hopefully there will be opportunities for those when we have warmer weather and I'm not so vulnerable to all of the viruses.  Speaking of viruses, they are all rampant here in my city, so again, it's not hard for me to choose to stay in.  I do need to get on Thriftbooks and order some more books.  

I am up to 9 minutes on my bike trainer, every other day, with very little resistance and at a snail's pace, but at least I'm on there.  It makes me feel like I'm making progress with healing from the surgeries.  Next week I will move up to 10 minutes.

Merry Christmas

 and Peace, goodwill, to All.

Christmas Eve

 

My thoughts go 'home' at Christmas and this Christmas Eve is filled with so many 'ghosts from Christmas' past'.  

Covid and Winter Solstice

My echocardiogram results from last week were really great.  It shows that my heart is healing beautifully, for which I am immensely grateful.  At the same time the nurse was giving me the results over the phone, she asked about my shortness of breath.  I thought it was just coming from CHF.  She said no, take a home Covid test-----and of course, in line with the rest of this lovely year, it was positive.  The doctor started me on Paxlovid this morning, and I really don't feel terribly bad, more like a bad head cold.  I didn't have any big plans for Christmas anyway, so I'll just laze through the holidays.

Our weather temperatures for Christmas Eve and Christmas are supposed to be too warm for Christmas to suit me.  Upper 50s to 60.  I'm a kid at Christmas always, and only want cold and snow.  None for me this year, though.  Right now it's a beautiful sunny day, high of 49.

December? Christmas?

Belated Happy Thanksgiving -- November is Almost Over

 

The sunset a couple of days ago was breathtaking.  I never get tired of taking pictures of the sunsets (and the moon when I can catch it when it's not covered by clouds like it was last night for the full Beaver Moon).   Speaking of photos, I have a Mac Pro laptop and for some reason it isn't showing my photos from October 26, 2023 through today when I pull up photos to share some on my blog.  Anyone out there that can help me figure this out?  I've tried numerous searches and attempts to sort it out but so far I'm not having any luck.  And it's one more aggravation that I definitely don't need.

I am oh so slowly starting to feel like my body is starting to heal, and I'm able to do a little bit more each day for myself, like laundry and scooping out the litter boxes for these Shetland ponies.  :D. I am so grateful for all of the help that everyone has given me, especially my two neighbors who have carried the burden of running the vacuum here and taking care of the litter boxes.  My neighbor, Cathy, who did all of the group texting for the multitudes about my adventures in the cardiac unit of two hospitals, has herself ended up having to have a pacemaker put in last Tuesday.  She is doing great, although she is chomping on the bit because of not being able to do what she normally does.  Her restrictions won't be long-lasting, though, and in 6 weeks (instead of 6 months-year) will be back to running around like she enjoys.  :)

Our early morning temperature this morning was 28, and our high today is only supposed to be 45.  Quite nippy.  This is how it should be going into December in a few days.

The Summer I Completely Missed

 Here it is September 29, 2023, and I cannot begin to wrap my mind around what I have gone through since the beginning of May.  Actually, starting even earlier in the year, as I had finally convinced my GP to do an autoimmune panel on me and got the results back the first part of April, a week before I had my annual checkup with my Cardiologist.  Several of my siblings have autoimmune disorders.  As I suspected, I have rheumatoid arthritis, Sjogrens syndrome, Fibromyalgia, and another one that my GP said she simply did not know what it was, that I would have to go to a Rheumatologist.  I couldn't get an appointment with a Rheumatologist until October 3, which is coming up next week.

Meanwhile, back to April, I had my appointment with the Cardiologist and she felt like I might need a pacemaker because my heart rate kept jumping up with the least bit of movement.  I've had irregular heart rate for years, and have been on medication that has worked well all of these years to control it.  However, Marlee turned 13 last year and in July or August (?) she had to have emergency surgery to remove her spleen.  She recovered well from that but her congestive heart failure was getting worse and I was carrying her in and out more often.  Not all of the time but occasionally, and I would notice that I was getting short of breath and my heart rate would shoot up.  By the first part of this year it was obvious that Marlee was getting much worse and I was mostly having to carry her in and out.  Marlee died on May 3 and on May 5 I had a heart catherization.  Rather than a pacemaker, on the 31st of May I was in having open heart bypass surgery.

I did really well with the surgery.  My recovery was going extremely well.  I was two months post bypass surgery and at the end of July I thought I had come down with a virus.  The last weekend of the month I was so sick I could hardly stand up without holding on to something.  By the time I was able to make contact with someone at the Heart Center the following week I knew that I was really really sick---I just didn't know what I had.  I ended up in the ER where I spent all afternoon, and was admitted to the hospital that evening.  A cardiologist came in and told me that I had had a major heart attack that had blown a hole in my heart, and that when this happened in an adult, it killed the adult immediately.  They couldn't figure out why I hadn't died, but they could not do the repairs that would be necessary.  I was in the hospital here on and off for two weeks and then they got me admitted into the Cleveland Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, and I was transported to Cleveland.  Apparently only the best heart surgeon in the country was capable of doing the repairs that I would need done.  I was there for a week while the surgeons met to try to determine the best way to repair the damage that had been done to my heart.  On August 25, I had the repair surgery which was lengthy.  I spent another week in the hospital there and then was released to come back home where my local cardiologist would take over my care.  

I was sooooo happy to be home!!  I was a totally different person to the one who started this year, but Lordy I was just so relieved to be back in my home with the cats and my books and my bed.  No matter the pain, and the fact that there will be someone here for the first two weeks home from the hospital, it was just so wonderful to be home.  I am really so very grateful for everyone that was taking care of me, but I was in serious need of alone time.  I am such an introvert, and I am so possessive of living alone that the two weeks with someone ( my wonderful friend, Janet) were really wearing on me.  I hung in there for those two weeks, LOL, and then I had my space back.  I still have a couple of neigbors that take turns coming over to take care of the litter boxes for me, but I'm pretty much on my own, well, as much as I want to be.  

I have been working on this post for what seems like forever and I still haven't finished it.  However, I'm going to publish this for now, and pick it up again later.  

February 1, 2023 My Birthday Month—-Death Anniversary of Randy and My Three Other Dogs

The roller coaster continues.  Marlee is still with me, defying all odds.  One minute she acts like she’s still fit as a fiddle, the next minute she collapses.  My nerves are strung tight as banjo strings.  My brother-in-law stopped by yesterday.  She greeted him like she was a puppy—then immediately collapsed.  After maybe 5 minutes she rallied.  When I say she collapses, she literally just falls over, goes rigid, her heart and breathing stop, a couple of times she has voided her bladder and bowels and I’ve been sure she was gone.  Then she will ‘come back to life’.  The not-knowing is aging me in a big hurry.  Every night when we go to bed I wonder if tonight will be the night she leaves me.  I try to figure out in my mind what I will do if she dies during the night.  I guess I feel like some kind of plan, any plan, will help me prepare for mechanics for dealing with that possibility.  

So my pharmacist, who is such a good friend to me, has suggested that I just delete February from my yearly calendar.  My birthday is the 26th, and not only did my other three dogs cross the bridge around my birthday—-one the day before, one the day after, and my beautiful beautiful Bayley on my birthday—-but my beloved, Randy, died on my birthday.  So so hard to believe that he will have been gone 4 years on the 26th.  Makes for some strange ‘celebrations’ but I do celebrate the beauty in each of those relationships.  Of course, one has to have some distance from those sad events to be able to look back and cherish and celebrate the riches in each of those unique relationships.  So, now, the question is, is Marlee waiting for my birthday to cross the Bridge, you know, just so we don’t break the tradition? 😏

I pulled some fabric a couple of weeks ago, cut and sewed and reverse sewed and sewed again one single Bear Paw Block.  How hard can that be, right?  Well, evidently for me, very hard.  Of course it’s been ages, literally ages!, since I have tried sewing anything.  I eventually got it together but it was a struggle.  I am now working on piecing a bee block.  We’ll see how that goes.  I have really been hankering to just cut and sew for months now—-like I need another agitation in my life.  LOL But there you have it.  Sometimes I think I’m just a glutton for punishment.  😂

I took my Christmas tree down yesterday.  I got it up just days before Christmas, and it’s artificial so why not leave it up for the whole month of January.  I love the lights at night and in the early morning hours and on cloudy days.  And I did so enjoy it.  But now it’s in its box and headed to the basement.  Maybe I need to think about hanging some fairy lights just for the warmth and coziness that they would cast.   I’ll think about that.