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Sunday Jokes

had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from India.

This is how it went:

"Hello sir, how are you today?"

"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"

"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft".

"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in India? How's the weather there today?"

"No, sir – MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and…"

"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning."

"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you…"

"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer".

"You don't?"

"I don't".

"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir."

"Don't have one".

"Ipad?"

"Nope".

"Tablet?"

"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone".

After a few seconds of silence he said, "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"

I said, "Well, you started it!" and slammed the phone down.

[Source]


But wait! There's more!

Space alien: Take me to your leader.
Earthling: You've sort of come at a bad time. (Bilbo)

MAGA: Yay, Trump's cutting off freeloaders!!
ALSO MAGA: Hey why is my food stamp card not working!?

I'm trying to see things from your perspective, but I just can't make myself that dumb.

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.
They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

In a surprising trend, MAGA supporters are demolishing the East side of their houses.

Had an elderly boss who got scammed out of $5000 in a "your mac is infected" call. I told her it was a scam and reported it to Chase credit. That night, she called the scammer, angry. "I'm sorry". he said. "I'll refund you! What's your debit card info?"
Guess what she did…

Going to bed the other night, I saw people stealing from my shed.
I called the police, they said no one was available.
So I called back a minute later.
"No need to hurry now, I shot them".
Within minutes, half a dozen cop cars, helicopters, and an armed unit showed up and caught the thieves.
Officer: "I thought you said you shot them!"
Me: "I thought you said no one was available".

Never trust a person who doesn't like dogs.
But always trust a dog that doesn't like a person.

Coffee mug saying…
I am a ray of fucking sunshine.

I was gonna start dieting, but Halloween is coming up, then Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Before you know it, it's BBQ season again and I'm not about to turn down a cheeseburger.

My Girlfriend yelled at me, "Stop it with all your corny jokes!"
I said, "What are you gonna do, call the crops?"

After Tarzan and Jane have gotten to know each other for a while, they finally decide to become intimate. Tarzan has never been with a woman before, so Jane asks him what he normally does when he has… Urges. "Tarzan find tree with hole." "Well, just do to me what you do to the hole in the tree." Tarzan gives a grunt of understanding, and Jane lies down, closes her eyes and opens her legs. Then, out of nowhere, Tarzan delivers a devastating punt to her crotch. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" "TARZAN CHECK FOR BEES."

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was out in the garage organizing his golfing equipment. His wife came to the door and after a long period of silence, she said, "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. I'm sure you could probably get a good price for your clubs." Tim got a horrified look on his face. His wife said, "Darling, what's wrong?" Tim shook his head and said, "For a minute there, you started to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!" she screamed, "I didn't know you were married before!" He gave her a pointed look and said, "I wasn't."

A man and wife were sitting in their easy chairs… she was watching TV and he was reading…. she said, "Sam, if I died, do you think you would get married again?" He didn't drop his paper and replied, "Oh, I don't know… maybe, I guess…"
She was taken aback. "What? You'd actually marry another woman after me?!"
"I guess — I don't know…"
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs, too?"
"No, she's left-handed."

When do flowers get their workouts in?
Spring training.

What time does everyone love to drink?
Wine o'clock.

What did police have to do when 500 hares got loose downtown?
They had to comb the area.

Why do cows go to New York City?
To see the moo-sicals.

A bear that got wet from a light rain is called what?
A drizzly bear.

Where do dads store their dad jokes?
In the dad-a-base.

What do you call Dracula with hay fever?
The pollen Count.

Where do sports teams go to buy new uniforms?
New Jersey.

What do you call an enlisted man who loves to cook?
A grill sergeant.

I just got my electricity bill and I think there's been a mistake. I believe they've charged me for the sunlight, the moonlight, the street light, the light of my life, the speed of light, the light fantastic, and the light at the end of the tunnel. (Bilbo)

A dog will love you more than any person.
But they'll also steal your sandwich.

#ANALBUMCOVER
I read it wrong too, that's why we're friends.

I met my friend's new girlfriend. The white coverall suit, helmet, and the smell of honey was enough for me to tell him she was a keeper.

My friend Bob went skydiving. He misunderstood and brought a pair of shoes.
I'll miss Bob. (Think about it, I had too.)

I'm collecting my thoughts. I almost have a full set. (Bilbo)

Facebook has taught me a couple of things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.

No parent ever turned the car around.
It was an empty threat that we all fell for.

I'm not saying I'm old, but I remember when "hashtags" were called pound signs. (I still call them that.)

Bruce Lee had a brother who was always precise. His name is Exact Lee.

Had a real good fighting brother named Brutal Lee.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

Running is a great way to meet new people. Today, I met two EMTs, three nurses, and a cardiologist.

My fondest childhood memory is thinking $100 was a lot of money.

Do you realize that if you are sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM, and the clock strikes midnight – It's the same crap, different day.

Having kids makes you realize how dumb your lies used to sound to your parents.

You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.

My body isn't a temple. It's a haunted house. It needs a lot of work, makes mysterious creaking sounds, and contains the spirit of a creepy old man that's always mad about something.

I think my house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken. It's a poultrygeist. A fowl spirit. I'm going to call an eggsorcist, to help it cross to the other side.

The day when I can yell, "Where is my phone?" and it yells back, "Down here in the couch!" Then it will really be a smartphone.

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

I might wake up early and go for a jog. I may also win the lottery. Odds are about the same.

A bill collector called me saying, "Your bill is now a year old." I said, "Tell it Happy Birthday," and hung up.

I Googled "Who gives a crap?"
My name wasn't in the search results.
(But https://us.whogivesacrap.org does apparently give a crap.)

[Source]

Why Am I Just Learning About This NOW?!

BERJAYA

State terrorism charges have been dropped against Luigi Mangione. He is still on trial for the lesser charge of 2nd-degree murder.

Oh yeah, it's because every day is a firehouse of shit of distractions. Epstein, Tearing down the East Wing of the White House, Congressional shutdown…

[Source]

BERJAYA

If/When this happens, it isn't about drugs

Don't let them gaslight you into believing it has anything to do with fentanyl or cocaine

It's about oil

It's about creating chaos

And it's about one man's fragile ego

Hey Mom! I Didn't Destroy It!

Last year I bought a vintage AM/FM tuner that matched my Yamaha amplifier. Seller of course said everything was working fine, and indeed it was—if you kept it turned on 24/7. Otherwise if you turned it off it would forget all it's settings and memorized stations. Irritating, to say the least.

Now listen, Phoenix is a radio wasteland bearing little resemblance to the smorgasbord it was in the 70s and 80s (as I suppose most locations are these days). Still, I like to have a tuner around for the classical and the NPR/Jazz station. Six months ago the NPR/Jazz station announced they were dropping the Jazz altogether in favor or talking/babbling heads 24/7. They'd already cut back on the music to three nights a week from 8 pm to midnight, so this didn't come as a compete shock…and they did still offer Jazz 24/7 on their HD2 station. (I can receive this in my car, thankfully.)

Apparently all Yamaha tuners of the period (mid 80s) have developed an issue with the "super capacitor" that keeps power trickling to the memory chip that retains all the settings when the unit is turned off. From what I read, swapping it out with a new one was a fairly simple procedure, but based on my track record of working with electronics—not to mention the amount of disassembly required to get to it and unsolder the thing from the back of the circuit board—it wasn't something I was in any rush to tackle. So I disconnected it from the system altogether and put it away in a closet.

Well, bored out of my mind, I pulled it back out a couple days ago and did a run through of the disassembly and realized it wasn't all that bad. So I ordered the necessary capacitor (actually two different physical designs to guarantee proper fit since the original was no longer readily available).

BERJAYA
The original offender.

The new caps arrived today and after doing a test fit to make sure the legs lined up with the holes in the board, I desoldered the old one and soldered the new cap in place.

BERJAYA
The new cap.

I put everything back together to a degree that I could test it, plugged it in, turned it on, and…no puff of smoke! Success! Everything seemed to work, and it was actually retaining stored stations again if you turned if off.

BERJAYA

BERJAYA

My only disappointment is that radio reception itself in this house is horrific and the standard wire ribbon antenna has never cut it…so I'm still a little disappointed. But I'm ecstatic that I fixed it.

But wait! There's more to this story. Now that it's working I'm actually going to turn around and sell it.

Why? Because I found a beauty—while a year or two older than my amp—that complements its design wonderfully. It's old school with a motorized analog dial and while it has the option to store 5 stations in a memory chip on board, it's got a battery backup (hard to tell from the pictures I've found, but apparently just a standard double-A cell) that will store the info for up to two months if the unit is unplugged.

BERJAYA

I spotted it on eBay the other day, but got sniped in the last fifteen seconds by another bidder who was willing to pay way more than I was. But wouldn't you know, I found another unit on Reverb for less than my maximum bid on the eBay unit. I turned around and then offered the seller $25 less than that and he took the offer and threw in free shipping. It should be here next week.

Midweek Tiedrich

BERJAYA

BERJAYA

here's a fun thought experiment. what you do you imagine would happen if you took a deteriorating dotard in poor health and cognitive decline, flew him to the other side of the world and subjected him to a series of high-stakes meetings and ceremonies?

actually, you don't have to imagine. just watch this befuddled old dipshit wander dazedly during a ceremony in Tokyo.

that's just embarrassing. the squirrel inside Donny's head gets repeatedly distracted by some shiny object, and Japan's Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi has to keep taking him by the hand and guiding him to where he's supposed to go.

does Donny seem drugged to you? is he on something? this is our diminished president, folks.

naturally, after this video went viral, the White House shit roofing nails and accused the person who posted it of deceptive editing.

"Why didn't you share the full video, dumbass?" the official White House Rapid Response 47 account replied to X user Acyn, along with a longer version of the event.

Yet their video showed Takaichi doing more guiding of Trump.

hang on, White House Rapid Response, we can do better than 'sharing the full video.' we can show you a longer clip from a different angle, and holy fuckballs, Batman — it's worse.

(sorry for the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme music, folks. this was the only clip I could find online.)

Christ on a corn cob, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants hasn't the slightest clue what planet he's on. seriously, subjecting this goofus to days of events halfway around the world is just elder abuse at this point.

Preznit Fuckwit should be enjoying a pudding cup in some assisted living facility, not representing our country on the world stage.


do you know why the White House immediately cried 'deceptive video'? because, as always with these shitweasels, every accusation is a confession.

in June of 2024, Joe Biden attended a G7 meeting in Italy. the Republican National Committee's official twitter account posted this clip of the G7 leaders taking in a skydiving exhibition.

 

 

reporter: "did you get an MRI?"
Donny: "I did, I got an MRI. it was perfect. I mean, I gave you— I gave you the full results. we had an MR— an MRI, and uh, the machine, the whole thing. and it was perfect."

oh, it was perfect, was it? were the doctors big and strong? did they have tears in their eyes as they went 'sir! sir! no one has ever had such a perfect brain. how do you do it? sir!'

here's why this should have been front-page news: MRIs are never ever part of a routine checkup. you're only given one if doctors think something is seriously wrong with you.

but don't just take my word for it. let's hear from an actual doctor — Dr. Jonathan Reiner, who was Dick Cheney's cardiologist and is currently a professor at George Washington University.

Dr. Jon, is an MRI ever part of a routine checkup?

Reiner told CNN that an MRI is never part of a routine check-up.

"An MRI is never part of a routine evaluation, whether you're president of the United States or whether you're just a civilian," he said.

oh. huh. tell us more, doc.

Dr. Jonathan Reiner told CNN there is a laundry list of reasons Trump's doctors may have requested a scan, and that he believes the White House owes it to the public to say what that reason was.

"Typically, they're prompted by symptoms," Reiner said of MRIs. "They can be neurologic symptoms that prompt an MRI."

now let's listen to the other alarming thing that Preznit Neurologic Symptoms blithered about on that plane.

what we see in this clip is pretty fucking alarming — because holy shit, it appears to show Sleepy Brandon wandering off and giving a thumbs-up to nobody — and needing to be fetched back to reality by Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni.

if your 'I'll bet that was deceptively edited' alarm just went off, congratulations — because what the uncropped video showed was Joe Biden turning to talk to the parachutists.

BERJAYA

nonetheless, the press had a field day with the RNC's edited video.

BERJAYA

and we all got treated to one more news cycle of Joe Biden is old and icky and smells bad and is probably already dead and is too demented to know it.

fuck these lying Republican fucks, and fuck the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media for falling for this shit over and over.

Republicans had to fake 'evidence' of Joe's 'impairment' — but nobody has to fake anything about Donny Convict's obvious decline. all you have to do is open your eyes and look.

hey Jake Tapper, any comment on the fact that Donny couldn't walk from one end of a room to the other without getting lost?

BERJAYA

I thought so.


meanwhile, during a yammer session with reporters aboard Fuckface Force One, President Yap Yap made a confession that should have been the top story on every channel, but of course wasn't: that he'd undergone an MRI during his so-called 'routine medical checkup' at Walter Reed a couple of weeks ago.

reporter: "did you get an MRI?"
Donny: "I did, I got an MRI. it was perfect. I mean, I gave you— I gave you the full results. we had an MR— an MRI, and uh, the machine, the whole thing. and it was perfect."

oh, it was perfect, was it? were the doctors big and strong? did they have tears in their eyes as they went 'sir! sir! no one has ever had such a perfect brain. how do you do it? sir!'

here's why this should have been front-page news: MRIs are never ever part of a routine checkup. you're only given one if doctors think something is seriously wrong with you.

but don't just take my word for it. let's hear from an actual doctor — Dr. Jonathan Reiner, who was Dick Cheney's cardiologist and is currently a professor at George Washington University.

Dr. Jon, is an MRI ever part of a routine checkup?

Reiner told CNN that an MRI is never part of a routine check-up.

"An MRI is never part of a routine evaluation, whether you're president of the United States or whether you're just a civilian," he said.

oh. huh. tell us more, doc.

Dr. Jonathan Reiner told CNN there is a laundry list of reasons Trump's doctors may have requested a scan, and that he believes the White House owes it to the public to say what that reason was.

"Typically, they're prompted by symptoms," Reiner said of MRIs. "They can be neurologic symptoms that prompt an MRI."

now let's listen to the other alarming thing that Preznit Neurologic Symptoms blithered about on that plane.

"they have Jasmine Crockett, a low-IQ person. they have, uhhhh— AOC, she's low-IQ. you give her a— an IQ test— have her pass, like, the exams that I decided to take when I was at Walter Reed. those are very hard, uh, they're really aptitude tests, I guess, in a certain way, but they're cognitive tests. let AOC go against Trump. let Jasmine go against Trump. I don't think g— Jasmine— the first couple of questions are easy. a tiger, an elephant, a giraffe. when you get up to five or six and then when you get up to twenty and twenty-five— they couldn't come close to answering any of those questions."

for fuck's sake, Donny. for the hundredth time, the Montreal Cognitive Assessment is not an IQ test, or an aptitude test. it's a test of whether or not your brain is leaking out of your ears.

BERJAYA

twenty percent of the test is literally pointing at a drawing of a camel.

do you know why they ask you to draw a clock? because if you're demented, you can't do it.

BERJAYA

as with the MRI, they don't administer the Montreal Cognitive Assessment as part of any routine check up. Donny keeps having to take this test because doctors suspect that something is seriously fucked inside his big dumb pumpkin head.

here's why we should all be alarmed: we now know that when Donny went to Walter Reed, they gave him both an MRI and a cognitive test. you know who gets those two tests together? stroke victims, that's who.

all the evidence points to Donny having had a recent stroke — and the White House is covering that up. add to that the cankles, and the rotting hand, and fact that Donny couldn't walk from one end of a room to the other without help. the only logical conclusion one can reach is that Donny is unfit for office.

and, as always, the White House won't tell us shit. everything — EVERY FUCKING THING — is being covered up.

how about that, Jake Tapper. anything to say?

BERJAYA

by the way, I have a theory about why Donny keeps yammering about how Crockett or AOC couldn't pass the Montreal Cognitive Assessment. remember: with Donny, every accusation is a confession.

President Pudding Cup failed the fucking thing, didn't he. they asked him to remember five random words, and he couldn't. his drawing of a clock looked like a monkey fucking a coconut. he failed, and he knows it, and that why he has to keep talking about how hard it is — to convince himself that nobody could have passed it.

and, as always, none of this is normal — and all of it is embarrassing.

oh, and have I mentioned lately that AOC is a national treasure?

BERJAYA


this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that's ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.