Spo-Reflections

Note: The Board of Directors Here at Spo-reflections found yesterday’s post silly and bewildering. The only uplifting they know are done by the Die Walkure, who are the noisiest entities in The Time of Legends. Oh the pain. They kindly request I write something less whimsical, without uplift. Stirges.

In the ‘The Haunting’* the protagonist Nell nearly falls off the balcony of Hill House, a very nasty place no good from the get-go. She is saved and in her anxious frustration she blurts ‘you’ve got to be on guard all the time with this horrible house”. There is a parallel to Hill House and my mind. Like her I too have to be on guard lest my shortcomings and shadow elements try to push me off the proverbial balcony. I thought I would write about some of them, to help keep tabs on them.

Comparing myself to others. Comparison is generally a losing endeavor for we tend to compare ourselves ‘upwards’ not down. I constantly gravitate my attention towards others at the gym who are in better shape and in public towards seemingly more successful – whatever that means. Envy, the every hungry goddess, is particularly good at getting me to notice folks who are retired and having themselves a ball. It’s a trait I’ve had from childhood and it doesn’t every entirely go away. When it happens I stop to recognize it and focus on my own endeavors.

Blurting. I’m good at grasping the gist of another’s conversation. Quickly into their talk I want to speak up and cut them off and respond. Let’s not waste time finishing sentence! This is made worse at work where circumstantial patients can quickly eat up the allotted appointment time.* No no no. I have to hold my tongue and let others finish. And it is good to pause a bit before responding so as not to convey I was just waiting for them to shut up to speak. This is particularly important with Someone. After years I know where his talking is going. However nothing makes him more angry (and rightfully so) when I cut him off. Waiting until the other is finished is an ongoing task for me.

Tip: do not interrupt others but wait until they finish. Pause before speaking. Better yet, reflect back something they said to let them know you were listening and hopefully heard them right.

Running away. I wasn’t a fighter as a boy. If bullied or faced with awful situations my propensity was – and is – to crawl into a ball like a hedgehog and go down a hole and lock the door behind me. There is no lack of awfulness in the present and I feel the old habit tugging me more than ever to turn off the world, not stand up, retreat, and hide. It’s a sort of cowardice for which I feel bad. My time in psychoanalysis was mostly about finding and developing Warrior energy, to stand up and fight rather than retreat. The definition of courage is about doing the right thing regardless of fear. Sometimes it helps for me to envision the Warriors I have known in my life; they comfort me and stiffen my spine.

Tip: when faced with anger or ignorance or wrong, speak up. At least don’t do nothing. Do something. Do what you can. Not creep away into you own private cloister to escape the world.

Sharing my enthusiasm for bright shiny objects. This one isn’t too terrible but it can be annoying. Another childhood attribute of mine was (and is) an excitement to learn things. The troubles was I felt obliged to share it with everyone, regardless what they were doing or even if they wanted to. Mother would look from her interrupted reading to say ‘yes dear, that’s nice’ when I ran to her to tell today’s horoscopes and the night sky have been out of synch for thousands of years, I’d raise my hand in school to share something I just read, thinking everyone would as thrilled as I was; many schoolmates despise me to this day. Poor Someone! He’ll be in the middle of doing something on the computer when I come in to tell him a ‘fun fact’ I just heard on a podcast. I need to curtail myself not everyone wants to learn or find interesting what I do. Like blurting, it is rude to interrupt others.

Tip: save fun facts and findings for when the other isn’t engaged in something. Hopefully they will at least listen and acknowledge your enthusiasm. And try not to bore the pants off them. Save that stuff for blogging. 🙂

*There is a study showing patients are quite annoyed by physicians who don’t let them speak. Doctors do this as they fear if they don’t cut off patients they will talk and talk and eat up the appointment. Turns out if the doctor holds his/her tongue, most patients will talk at most a few minutes, which hardly cuts into the appointment. And the patient feels like the doctor ‘listened to them’.

*This is one of the best horror movies ever made. Do not dare to question this. What makes it so scary is it doesn’t have actual monsters or ghosts – just a sense there may be some. I watch it every October; it never fails to give me the creeps, which is the point of a ghost story.

What’s top of my mind: October. I promised myself and Someone I would not to decorate prematurely viz. no Hallowe’en stuff until after 1 October. This year had some sadness for me so I need to haul out the horror I may be rushing things but deck the halls again now. For we need a little Halloween, right this very minute, spiders in the window, and ghost groans at the spinet yes we need a little spooky now.

Where I’ve been: A baseball game. By the time this is posted, we’ve gone to last night’s Cardinals vs. Dodgers game. He had tickets ‘in the rafters’ as Someone calls them. I brought along a sharpened pencil in order to keep score as is my wont. Neither of us got much sleep the other night, so we may not have stayed for the entire game.

Where I’m going: The Shoe store. Most of my shoes are old, falling apart, and need replacement – like my men. There comes a point that all the heel replacements can’t continue and it’s time to buy new. I shudder to think how old some of my shoes are. So it is off the shoe store to replace them. When it comes to shoes I tend to get the same ones: black, simple, and practical – also like my men. They say women pay attention to a man’s shoes viz. are the polished or at least looking attended to. I don’t know if this is true. I don’t look at a man’s shoes when I meet a fellow, but I supposed it’s worth a look-see.

Do you look at folks’ shoes when you meet someone?

What I’m watching: The front porch. All sorts of items are coming our way. Someone has some sort of ‘use it or lose it’ deal with Medicare and toiletries, so a large box of Q-tips is due, enough sticks to clean the ears of everyone in Ecuador. On impulse I bought some stationary and Someone ordered a PC. Our front porch has alcoves where delivery persons place packages out of sight. We’ve never had a porch theft.

What I’m reading: The Battle of Borodino. I am three-quarters through “War and peace” and it’s actually holding my interest, particularly the ‘war’ parts. Presently I am in the midst of the battle of Borodino. For thems unfamiliar with Borodino, it was a decisive battle in history: Napoleon’s so-called invincible army met with so much loss that despite the victory it spelled the beginning of the end for the emperor. Mr. Tolstoy pulls no punches in detail of the carnage. I perturb Someone with my outbursts of ‘ooh!’ and “yikes” and ‘yuck!” as I read in bed next to him. To give him the peace part of the book I moved into The Dragon Room until the battle is over.

What I’m listening to: The sound of falling leaves. The Tube of Yous has autumnal videos of gentle rain among fall-colored forests. They make for lovely background noise. I need to remember to turn it off though when contacting a patient for a video appointment. I hear the video and not the patient, which I confess is preferred at times.

What I’m eating: Apple cider doughnut Bundt cake. The original plan as supposed to make cupcakes with pecans. However, I got distracted in the kitchen and I ended up following the original recipe which is for a Bundt cake. Oh the embarrassment. The unused golden cupcake liners won’t spoil I suppose and Someone ate the pecans with relish. I don’t know what to do with the can of creamed cheese frosting bought for the nonexistent cupcakes. The Bundt cake came out decent that it didn’t stick to the pan and it has a nice texture and flavor. It’s unfrosted which is OK. We have ours with milk.

Whack-a-mole wild card: A new PC. Apparently the PC in the office at home is so old its contents cannot be upgraded. Thems at Windows won’t be sending anymore patches and band-aids, forcing one to buy a new system. That’s how they get you. In Someone’s defense, the office PC is ten years old if a minute and is slow as molasses in January. I dislike using it for this reason. Someone got something from HP, which arrives today, lord willing. Apparently there is no ‘box’ anymore but the computer is all in the back of the monitor, can you imagine? He’s spent the past days deleting old files and photos so as not to transfer rubbish into the new system.

Who gets a fist-bump: Previous patients. I recently had an evaluation appointment with a young man in his twenties. I always ask my new patients how did they find me or this place. The patient told me he found me on Google and I had rave reviews. I was struck speechless by this complimentary thunderbolt, not by the contents (which were richly deserved ho ho ho) but by patients who bother to go online to write such reviews. In the medical community there is a general belief online reviews are warped to the negative viz. content patients don’t bother writing they are happy while thems upset go online to complain, either to get a sort of revenge or to elicit sympathy. I don’t know who are my reviewers are but I am grateful they spent some time on line writing such.

What I’m planning: Writing letters. Some Spo-fans recently tickled my longing for handwritten letters. Once upon a time there was an actual store dedicated to stationary. I had my own collection of envelops, letterhead, and notes. I went online guessing Cranes went the way of AOL but lo! they are still there! They don’t have stores anymore but I was able to create a close-enough replica of the house stationary. I ordered thirty cards and envelopes with my name and address on them. Hot puppies! I plan on writing some folks. I suspect the recipients will be puzzled what on earth caused me to write when I could email or just text them. Then again, thems who receive them will be at a certain age to remember actual letters. I hope they enjoy getting them as much as I will enjoy writing them.

Do you have personalized stationary?

What’s making me smile: The small things. In the movie version of ‘The fellowship of the ring’ Galadriel asks Gandalf why he brought the halfling along on their quest. He replies almost to himself that Saruman believes great power is needed to keep evil at bay, but that is not his experience. “It’s the small things, the everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keeps the darkness at bay, acts of kindness and love”. In my angst for national news I tend to forget to stop to account for the continual small things I encounter and receive in a week.

Someone brought home a bag of nasty potato chips the other day, and on another day the brought home a lanyard for my pending ID badge.

Travel Penguin sent an email telling me of his daily doings.

A stranger sitting next to me at Einstein Brothers started to chat and we ended up talking for an hour and we became friends.

The Medical Assistant, knowing my fondness for rubber stamps, bought me one of a shipswheel.

A friend texted me to say although he moved away he was thinking of me.

A patient thanked me for hanging in there with him after a decade of being her doctor.

They make the Journey bearable and worthwhile.

I woke up on Saturday to find my cellphone was dead as a doornail; I had forgotten to plug it in the night before. We woke at 5AM to go to the 6AM meet up for the weekend walk. It was too late to charge it. Taking this as a gift from Fate (or something like them) I decided on an experiment: going a whole weekend without a phone.

What was right away noticeable was becoming more aware of other people’s use of their phones out in public. During the warm up and prior to the start of the walk, the runners and walkers were all engrossed in their cellphones, prepping for their exercise or texting those vital things that happen at 6AM. No one was looking at me; I might as well be invisible. Usually when I walk I don headphones to listen to podcasts or music. This time I was left to my thoughts, which had their usual hummingbird flow but the contents were choice. I wasn’t looking down continually to check on my pace and/or to change the station. On the trail next to the the water canal I noticed a few ‘new things’ I hadn’t seen before. I heard the quacking of the ducks and the conversations of people passing by. “How did you do?” asked Someone when I finally got back to base. “Quite well. I smiled although he meant my pace.

Another curiosity was my good morning meme. I make one every morning and send it out almost without fail. Not so yesterday. Normally there are dozens of recipients. When I turned on my phone again, I saw only a few mentioned the lack of response. Some said they missed me and one (out of dozens) asked if I was all right.

I went about the weekend tasks, which were quite quiet without the usual background noise. I didn’t turn it on to consult the grocery list. I thought about it, and wrote items down on a piece of paper, and each time when I put an item in the cart I ticked it off the list using a pencil. I got a few funny looks including a young girl who looked puzzled by my presentation. Perhaps she had never seen someone sans phone (that means without) in the grocery store.*

The weekend chores got done with less distraction and more on time. World and national events were going on, probably, but social media had no way to entice me to click on the lurid headlines. Lest you think this was was all lovely, it wasn’t. I had a sense of being alone and cut off from others. If I should fall, there was no way to contact Someone or anyone else. Throughout the day I heard the silent siren call to turn on the phone and ‘just check things’; it never went entirely away. The experiment was supposed to last all weekend but I succumbed and turned it back on on Saturday night. It appeared the world had kept spinning in my absence and the only gripe was from a patient via the work portal wondering where her prescription was.**

Some people take the Mae West approach to complaint of too much online activity. When told there were some listeners to her radio program outraged at the contents, Mae replied they could have turned it off. I think I will take her sage wisdom and try this again sometime soon. It did me a lot of good.

*There were ructions however. One of the items on the list was salsa. When I got to the place, a middle-aged man was squatting looking at the lower shelves, head crocked, talking on his cellphone to someone I presumed was his wife. It was loud enough to hear and I wasn’t going anywhere. Turns out he wasn’t getting guidance which salsa to get, but a conversation about mortgages. I stood at the right distance and reenacted “legally blonde” at the drinking fountain. Rather than realizing the issue and apologizing (or at least stepping a foot to the right) he glared at me as to say I was being rude listening in on a private conversation. I made note with my pencil on the back of the grocery list if he happened to fall over in the store while I was there, I would postpone all other recreations and attend it.

**I checked; it wasn’t due until Monday anyway and she’s lucky I do scripts on weekends at all. I don’t do this so much as helping patients but doing my future self a favor. Do them now, or so them on Monday morning when they are as high as Fafner’s hoard.