I am getting to that age where it's rude to pull out a bottle of ibuprofen if you don’t have enough for everyone.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts.
It's called: "Leave me the fuh cologne."
Me: Be kind, you never know what someone is going through.
Also me: Nice turn signal fuck face!
Help someone in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
Lying in bed at 4AM realizing I should have said something else in an argument I had in 2012.
I often wonder what people have against the horse I rode in on.
I would totally do this.
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Curly fries at an upscale restaurant - rotatoes.
The real reason eggs are in short supply is because all the chickens are in Congress.
Her: Oh my god it's so huge!
But according to statistics, that's what women say about a small spider also.
Did you know if you garden naked your neighbors will build a privacy fence at no cost to you?
Q: How do you look so young?
Women: Botox, charcoal masks, serums, chem peels, eye cream, exfoliating...
Men: I wash my face with hair shampoo.
Girls have a hard time choosing where to eat because the last time they chose, they doomed all of humanity.
I can't tell if I attract crazy or if I make them that way.
Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I like you.
I might be picturing you on fire.
Strippers have always used names of expensive things like Diamond or Mercedes.
Today, DJs be like, "Please welcome to the main stage, Gas and Eggs.
Now on sale at Ikea. Lesbian beds.
No nuts or screwing involved.
It's all tongue and groove.
I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
Elon is having a terrible week, but hear me out - he deserves even worse.
I've finally realized that I have a lot going for me! My eyes are going, my knees are going, my back is going...
That hour we lost was the one I was going to use to get my life together.
It fascinates me that giving to charities is considered noble and praiseworthy, but creating a society that doesn't require charity is considered socialist and bad.
I miss the days when the scariest thing on TV was 'The Twilight Zone' and not the 'Evening News'.
I'm officially at the age where I'm not upgrading my phone until it stops working.
Never try to defend yourself against a narcissist.
They already know you're right, they just want you to go crazy trying to prove it.
I always set two alarms.
One for the person I want to be and one for the person I am.
I'm so old I remember taping a penny to a record player needle just to stop it from skipping!
People who say that they don't have time for my BS need to learn how to manage their time better.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my dermatologist.
I asked her how she got into dermatology, and she said she started from scratch.
Most non-religious people wouldn't have a problem with religion if it was something benign and privately practiced, instead of something weaponized to oppress people, justify harmful beliefs and rituals, proselytize and convert, and infiltrate government.
The reason Canadians are so nice is easily explained.
Once a year, on the sixth full moon, all Canadians gather together beneath the stars to perform a ritual that sucks out all of their meanness and cruelty and places it into Canada Geese.
Doc: I know you're 75, but do you exercise?
Me: Nope, my parents won't let me.
Doc: Your parents?!
Me: Mother nature and Father time.
"Remember, write to your Congressman. Even if he can't read, write to him." (Will Rogers)
Don't piss off anyone who's 65+. The older people get, the less "Life In Prison" is a deterrent.
Living with a dog consists of 90% following each other around, watching each other go potty, and wondering what the other has in their mouth.
Q: What are your thoughts on the Tesla Dealership attacks?
A: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Most females don't answer video calls after 9pm because their face has been restored to factory settings.
Instead of placing our parents in nursing homes, let's build tiny cottages in our backyards and plant beautiful gardens together.
"Sorry, city codes..."
When someone asks me how old I am, I tell them I once ate a grilled cheese sandwich while sitting at a Woolworth's lunch counter.
At one time I used to envy people who could do a cartwheel. Now I'm jealous of anyone who can get up without making grunting noises and holding on to the furniture.
I recently took a poll and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.
Him: Treat others the way you'd like to be treated.
Her: That's stupid. I can't go around biting peoples nipples and slipping a pinky in their butthole!
Sign at work...
WARNING
DON'T BE A DUMB ASS HERE AT THE WORK PLACE!
OSHA does not require this sign but they do require many stupid signs that say close to the same thing.
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