Spo-Reflections

Parties and get-togethers aren’t usually the place for heart-to-heart interactions, but we can do better than stilted small talk. One reason why people cringe at making small talk is the banality of the questions we ask to get an interaction going. Many start with one of the worst: “What do you do?” We tend to see ourselves defined by what we do. Another reason we ask this question is about status. It’s an old habit: when meeting a stranger we want to find out where they are in the pecking order to establish dominance.

If the goal of social interactions is to figure out whether or not they can be useful to our advancement, asking ‘what do you do?” makes sense. I remember being at a social event long ago in which we were supposed to schmooze and network. A fellow in a gray suit asked me ‘what do you do?” and when I said I was a doctor in my residency, he replied ‘ah, well, you are no use to me then”. He turned away and sought out others.

The response “I’m a psychiatrist” gets a range of reactions. The person asking me often jokes with a nervous chuckle I better be careful what I say as you will be analyzing me. [1] Sometimes I get lambasted for all the apparent faults and controversies of the specialty, or of Medicine in general. A few times the person asking this question turns and runs off. [2]

If the goal of social intercourse is to engage in earnest actions, we can do better than ‘what do you do?’ ‘How do you know the host?” or “How is it you happen to be here?” are good, for you and the other have these matters in common. [3]

‘What do you do?” can be taken in a differently, along the line what is your life is about. Stop and ask yourself these five questions why dontcha:

Who am I.

What do I love doing.

Who do you do it for.

What do they want or need.

How do they change as a result.

When I am asked ‘what do you do?” I think about these five questions and answer along the line of:

“I help people achieve wellness so they can live happy and meaningful lives”.

Sometimes this answer evokes bewilderment and the asker finds a way to get the hell away, for I haven’t played the game properly. However, some folks start asking how I do this and I expand on it, if I see they are actually interested.

Notice three of the five questions are ‘pointed outward’ towards helping others. Folks who are the most happy are that way via how they help people. The paradox of doing onto others is you get taken care of in return, more so when you just focus on yourself.

Perhaps this is all too lofty for cocktail conversation, but I telling what you really do is more likely to lead to legitimate interactions and better bonds.

I remember Mr. Gray Suit leaving the gathering probably with a handful of selected business cards while I met someone who became a friend.

[1] The usual way to relax this anxiety is for me to say ‘not for free anyway’.

[2] When I am feeling the malapert I reply I am a psychiatrist just to see if it spooks them. Jolly good fun.

[3] On holiday at vacation resorts I am sometimes asked at social hours ‘what do you do?” but it doesn’t relate to work per se. It is being asked to see if there is compatibility for further social intercourse. Straight folks don’t have to bother with this sort of thing. Thems not so straight often have to play twenty questions to negotiate what the other fellow is like. It’s tedious, but it helps prevent letdowns and disappointments. For thems I do not care for I tell them I am a psychiatrist.

[4] I like these five questions as three out of five of them point outwards towards others. We tend to be happier and feel our lives more meaningful when we are geared towards others. There is a paradox when we help others to be happy we are more likely to be happy ourselves and be taken care of in return.

Life is strange but true. Work is in a continuous flux: new staff; new policies; new video system – there seems to be no end to the updates and changes. In the past 24 hours the place has been given a new name (not my voted one, unfortunately) and the new clinical director announced he isn’t staying. The only constant is the IT department, which remains inaccessible, impossible to get hold of, and overall useless – like my men.

Although I just did my year’s benefits, they have to be done again given some turnover at The Overlords. Hopefully this time is goes easier. I still cannot do this at home, so Someone has to come to the office and do it there. The House Manager recently explained to me the ‘point system’ in which I can earn more money depending on how much I work or bring in or both. It seems an odd way to make a buck, but Someone assures me corporations do this sort of thing regularly.

I am now the owner of five heavy glass bowls. They fit into each other like Russian dolls; when looking down on them they make a clear bullseye. The smallest one looks like it would just hold a cracked egg while the biggest looks sufficient to mix batter. They have been sitting – dirty – in the office sink at MESA for some weeks and no one seems to know who owns them. I work with an all women staff, yet I am the fastidious one. It drives me to distraction to see dirty plates and utensils sitting for days in the community sink. There is a custom if something sits in the office kitchen for two weeks and no one claims it, then it is up for grabs. I swiped the bowls, washed them, and gave them to Someone as a ‘love gift’, pointing out the possibility someone at work will be bellowing where are my bowls and I will have to get them back. I will do so giving the bellower a mansplaining about the virtues of cleaning up after yourself and doing your own dishes. If no one speaks up, then we have a nice set of mixing bowls. It’s a win for everyone. ho ho ho

Weigh-in Wednesday revealed I weigh 80 kilos, which is down from 82 kilos at the beginning of the month. I am pleased as Punch. I laid off sweets, ‘special occasion eating exceptions’, and late-night snacking, and it is paying off. I hope in time to get down to 78 kilos, which was my weight on 1 January. I hope too to fit back into some trousers and shirts presently too big to wear. Oh the embarrassment.

At home we were heading towards separate bedrooms due to different times to get up and sleep in and our different needs for falling asleep. This is upsets the dog who is waking in the night unnerved to not have Urs Truly in bed with her. She wonders in the dark, apparently looking for me, and with her poor vision she is bumping into things. I’ve been asked to stay put for her sake. The things we do for our pets!

That’s all the thoughts this Thorsday. I think tomorrow evening is my weekly snooze at the symphony. I am seriously considering canceling my subscription to the PSO. I cannot rise at 5AM, work all day, and then sit in a dark concert hall and stay awake.

Note: this entry is mere meditation and not a resolution. I had mixed feelings about posting it. Not to be worrying! I am not cracking up nor giving up. Spo.

Humans have paradoxes they must maneuver. One example is the need to belong to a tribe while having the need for individual fulfillment. Another example is going with your intuition vs. going with objective data. I know of another: striking a balance between living life day by day ‘in the present’ as it were, versus striving towards something. Lately, I’ve been struggling with this one. My life is a good, what with a meaningful job that I enjoy. I have no overt problems with health and home. My daily journal entries are mundane things: I get up, do a day’s work, I read a bit and then I go to bed. Rinse and repeat. It has been this way for many years; I can no longer discriminate the past ten years for it is basically the same.

What is missing is something to look forward to. I have nothing. There are no long-term plans, nor any immediate plans. Oh, there are a few pleasantries on the calendar such as some shows and visits from friends, but there is no Vision, no Goal – and this makes me sad. There is a sense if I were to die now I wouldn’t be missing out on anything.

When I was growing up the goal was to get to the next level of education. It was right after that when I got the diagnosis and goal of life was to cram as much in before dying. I had the good fortune not to die then I got the goal of forming a relationship and achieving domestic stability. Good! What’s left really? More of the same. I write this Sunday night after two days of oh so predictable weekend tasks. Tomorrow I will start my work week, which also never varies.

I managed to survive but there doesn’t seem to be a sense of happily ever after. The future doesn’t look good what with politics and aging and global warming. At some level it doesn’t seem worth it.

The solution is either to be more content or make some goals dammit. I cannot retire at least for three more years, so I needn’t fret about goals other than make it to 65yo. Provided I make it, I cannot think of anything to strive for. It drives the financial planner to distraction as we cannot come up with goals to help him help us with planning.

Someone doesn’t worry about such things; he is very good living in The Present. Good for him!

I blame Dr. Jung. The goal of life is ongoing development and growth towards achieving all one can be. There is no ‘you made it so go now and amuse yourself” stage.

I will continue to get up and do my duty and The Right Thing and things will sort themselves out. After all it is The Journey not the Destination that counts. Were mine a bit less mundane.

“Today I am choosing kindness. but we’ll see.. it’s still early”

Now that Hallowe’en is over and packed away* one turns towards the second holiday in the trinity of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Although we haven’t discussed it, we probably won’t do Thanksgiving. Someone works that day and he will get home late and tired. It is just the two of us, and I don’t relish cooking all day just to eat a plate of food consumed in few minutes. Then there is all the cleanup and leftovers, most of which will sit in the fridge and be thrown out in time. As my grandmother would say: ‘count me out’.

The main reason for forgoing Thanksgiving is I am not feeling thankful these days. Mind! It is one thing to forgo the hassle of cooking, but succumbing to ingratitude is a bad idea.

Getting patients to feel gratitude is a common exercise in counseling. Thems with depression and/or anxiety have the propensity to focus on the negative; getting them to recognize the positives ain’t easy. Most folks immediately see gratitude exercises as denial of the negative. That is not the case. The point of getting in touch with gratitude has two major points.

One: to realize not everything is bad.

Two: to lessen the habit to only see the negative.

Practicing gratitude is initially greeted with cynicism and skepticism; one has to work to get folks to try this. Gee doc, how do I practice gratitude when all I feel is sadness and frustration? I am often asked. Answer: you decide to be grateful. Corny as it sounds one ought to write down every day a few things for which you were grateful that day. Some make a list on Sunday and read it throughout the week, and update it on Sunday nights. I’ve been told by 10 weeks this habit makes up to 25% feeling happier, done by managing your negative emotions.

My gratitude journal (for I lead by example) is a diary of three years. As I write daily in 2024, I get to see what I was grateful for that day in 2023. It is a nice little slap in the face that reminds me of things. I read I was grateful last year for Harper’s good bill of health from the vet. I read someone had sent me a text out of nowhere saying they were thinking of me. These pangs of positivity are good for the soul, and valuable for not succumbing to despair.

With that said I should have some sort of Thanksgiving. It may not be a full turkey dinner (I am thinking pasta and a very good bottle of wine) but it ought to be a day of giving thanks. Screw the football, the spectacle, and the relatives all bitching and arguing about politics and their slights.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

For today’s gratitude entry I plan to write I have all my blogger buddies and Spo-fans.

OK Spo-fans. Let’s practice. Tell me three things for which you are grateful this day.

*At least most of it. As is often the case I keep finding Hallowe’en things. This is annoying as I have all packed and put away. I blame the Car Key Gnomes or the Cup Sprites who purposely hide these things only to put them in plain sight. Stirges.