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This morning about 545AM local time we hit the Autumnal Equinox, which I think is now called The September Equinox, as thems Down Under have a different point of view about the day. We finally get more night than day and good riddance I say. I fear the six months of more light than dark now come with ardent temperatures starting in April. I already have the autumn decorations up, having done so Labor Day weekend which heralds the seasonal sense of autumn at least for me.*

I am pleased as Punch to tell yesterday’s morning training went well. It was four miles, which I did averaging 15 minutes per mile while not feeling whipped. This is progress; my walks during the week look to be paying off. I also had the pleasure of coming back to base slightly ahead of the other man in our group. The Walking Group is almost all women.

Friday after work was a treat we went to Happy Hour, something we haven’t done in a long while as Friday Someone usually works so I go to the gym. We ran into some chums of his from the theater. One of them had a near-fatal heart attack six months ago; we spent the night talking health matters and Medicare and insurance matters. I’ve reached the age when the menfolk don’t talk gossip or shows or who Joe is dating can you imagine, but our ailments. All the same it was nice to get out and schmooze with real people.

Speaking of things not working as well as they used to, my laptop keys aren’t responding well anymore. I looked it up: my Mac laptop was made and bought in 2012. I’ve used it daily almost constantly. Can you imagine? The notion of going to The Apple Store isn’t a pleasant one. The staff there all look like they just went through puberty and I instantly feel old and stupid just setting foot in the place. My needs for a laptop are simple, and such probably isn’t made anymore. All the same, no harm looking and I suppose I should get a new one before MacBook Air bites the big on.

The staff at MESA seemed to enjoy the apple cider doughnut cake I made, so today I plan on something different: cookies. And not just any cookie but candy corn cookies. They have the advantage I already have all the ingredients at home. They are your basic sugar cookie with candy corn stuck in them during the last minutes of baking. I suppose thems who dislike candy corn can pick them off and just eat the cookie.

Other than making cookies it looks to be a simple Sunday. The laundry and ironing are mostly done. I need to put together a shirt for my friend the entomologist, who is coming to town mid-October. The pattern is of some large bug and it gives me the creeps to work with it but hey it’s not for me. Perhaps I will watch Dr. Who. Last time I looked he was pursuing his latest companion I forget which one. I try to get caught up but The BBC keeps making more episodes and more Drs. Who.

Tell me you Sunday shenanigans

*Thems who say otherwise are itching for a fight.

BERJAYA

Someone took Harper to the vet the other day. The vet says we’re to give the dog a variety of eyedrops, an antibiotic and one for moisture. I forget what the other one is for. They are supposed to be given three times a day and five minutes at least between doses. This is a lot of drops and the dog isn’t having it. After any, she squints her eyes in a pained Jack Benny look and sticks her tongue out, licking her chops. We see this as the ‘positive drop sign’ they went in.

A few days ago, while walking the dog we encountered a salesperson who voiced desire to see the house for some sort of size up for a sale. He imagined the interior as quite nice. I declined his offer to allow him to keep that charming illusion of the interior. A few days ago, Someone dusted the home office, so that looks nice, but the dining room/living room area looks a-fright. It is blockaded via chairs and such to prevent Harper from going there. Not that we ever use the dining room table or sit in the formal living room area. Twice now we have bought more house than is needed. We have several rooms never used and I look upon them as dust collectors. Next house should be a bungalow.

Speaking of Harper happenings, the floors could use a proper cleaning. There is nothing like the smell of Pine-sol to brighten up the day. Someone does a better job at mopping. He uses the large mop which he squeezes with his hands. Oh the horror. My mop has a gizmo that you turn which twists the mop some to squeeze out the water. It (or I) don’t do half the job as Someone but I don’t get my hands dirty.

I’ve decorated the iron bed frame with garlands of leaves, which looks nice, but this prevents me from using it as an ersatz clothesline to hang nearly washed sheets, wet towels and the like. That way things dry in no time and the house gets a little moisture and I don’t have to run the dyer. For the sake of fashion it is back to dryer for now. Someone in the house is not capable of cleaning out the lint trap which drives the other one in the house to distraction and thoughts of divorce/homicide but if that’s his only fault so be it. He’s in charge of the doggie drops so it’s a good deal.

BERJAYA

On Wednesdays I am now the only one at The PHX office. The secretary is away at school and The Medical Assistant is needed more in the MESA office that day. The therapist and The RN who work there aren’t working anymore on Wednesdays. So it’s just Urs Truly.

It is sort of peaceful to have the place to myself. There aren’t any people coming and going, sitting in the waiting room. The overhead oh-so-tasteful music is off. Indeed, it may be the quietest part of my week. When not online with an appointment there is silence.

On the other hand, it is a bit unsettling. The House Manager has suggested I work with the door locked lest Mr. Kreuger (or someone like him) come storming in and wreak havoc. Sometimes a pharm rep comes in the door or someone lost looking for The Other Clinic located across the hall. Once in a while an actual patient shows up thinking their appointment was in-office. This possibility keeps me on my toes to keep the office tidy and my trousers on. I am mindful of my emotions when anyone wonders in I feel some gladness to see them. Otherwise, I encounter no one face-to-face for ten hours.

Wednesdays illustrate the downside of my job: it is a lonely one. My job is a good one but for lack of comradery. When I met up with my fellow residents in Chicago last month I heard about their careers with partners and contacts of several types of doctors. I envied this. A counselor I know asked me the other day for the name of a colleague she could see in the PHX area. I could not think of a one. This was sad.

Studies show we do well when we work near/with others. “Bowling alone” has its drawbacks. Mine is lonely job and is likely to stay so. I cannot imagine The Overlords hiring let alone finding other psychiatrists to work here.*

Now, before you feel bad for me, as an official minion of The Overlords I can powwow with my fellow wizards via monthly online get-togethers. I get invitations on a regular basis. I don’t know how to join an online meeting, but I can learn. They take place in the middle of my workday; I would need time off to attend them. Being on a video meeting with shrinks who are not in the room but scattered throughout the states doesn’t sound too good, but it is better than nothing. It’s worth a try anyway.

I may try to work at home on Wednesdays. This sounds more isolating than going to the office but at home I don’t have to worry about wanderers-in and I can work sans trousers (that means without) and I can tend Harper, which is a good thing to do. To work from home it is required I connect some sort of sinister-looking device to my home computer to make it ‘Overlord official’. I smell a rat; I am dubious for them to have access to my home computer. Oh the embarrassment. Sometimes being isolated and alone has some merits.

*RNs come and go but they don’t count. This sounds harsh I know. They are often in only a few days a week and when they are they are hard at work themselves so there is no real time to schmooze. On the whole they are not very good and I hold my tongue not to medical mansplain how to do their job. The main reason is I am a doctor, a psychiatrist, and I would like company of similar.

BERJAYA

What’s top of my mind: Harper. She’s not doing well lately. Her right eye is a bit swollen shut; she is licking her right leg and rubbing her eye with it. It is time for a checkup and probable antibiotic eye drops. When I take her for walks she tends to wonder in semi-circles looking confused. She is peeing and pooping in the house, sometimes just after a walk. It hurts to see your pet grow old.

Where I’ve been: Joannes. I went to Joannes the other day to get some autumn-related objects. Joannes always seems to be three months in the future as their Halloween items, which went up in the summer, are nearly gone and marked at 50% off while the Christmas things are being placed. I made the mistake to go on a Saturday morning about an hour after opening. At this time of day there is only one cashier to serve a long line of middle-aged ladies with their shopping carts full up with things they urgently needed to buy that morning. Worse, the cashier and person with them like to talk about what is going to be done with each item being purchased. Meanwhile there is Urs Truly in line in the back stomping his last season’s Pradas to get going. Oh the pain.

Where I’m going: The medicine samples cabinets. The Overlords have decreed ala Mommie Dearest “NO MORE SAMPLES EVER” so we are clearing out what we have. There aren’t many, as fewer and fewer patient are seen face to face and none want to come into the office to pick up samples ‘just phone something else in” I am told. It sucks to throw out good medicine, especially as some of them are expensive. I’ve tried to recall the names of patients who are on these drugs but struggle to pay for them. When I call them they are willing to come in. It feels like winning the lottery. I don’t know what we will do with the metal cabinets now; toss’em out with the residual samples.

BERJAYA

What I’m watching: KAOS. Someone likes to watch TV and when we can find something to watch together he is pleased as Punch. I recently heard of a series in which the Greek Gods are played by modern types. Mr. Jeff Goldman plays Zeus as a jerk, which he is. The jury is still out whether or not it is any good. As we watch I point out some of the liberties the scriptwriters made to the myths (it was Apollo, not Dionysus, who led Orpheus into the underworld).

What I’m reading: Reforming medicine: uncovering blind spots and challenging the norm. I never know whether or laugh or cry when I read an article conveying doctors are as human as others in their bias. Getting them to change their approaches and beliefs is as difficult as anyone else. For example, the treatment for appendicitis was surgery. A study came out showing in certain cases these can be treated with antibiotics rather. “But it was just one study!” said many doctors. Another study (a good one) supported the same findings “But I need another!” A third and final one again said this is so. Despite this, many surgeons refuse the results and go for surgery as this is custom. And it is not just surgeons but every type of doctor.

People: when we are faced with new data that says what we believed was true isn’t so, the response is to change not double down. If we didn’t, we would still be the center of the universe and using blood letting to treat everything. Oh the pain.

What I’m listening to: The Howl of the Patients starving for tranquilizers. The new EHR allows Urs Truly to do a quick check on when a patient’s last controlled-substance prescription were filled. When requests come in early I put them aside until they are ready to be in synch with the last one. I am catching a handful of folks claiming they are taking their meds properly but their thirty-day prescriptions seem to be consumed by day #25. That ain’t good. Having to wait for scripts is causing in some great trepidation, and a few resemble an orchestra of scorched cats – these are usually the ones called on Day #25.

What I’m eating: Apple cider doughnut cake. Last weekend I made for the office an apple cider doughnut cake, made in the shape of a bundt. It turned out OK. Over time, the heavy sugar content has absorbed some air moisture making it a heavy moist morsel. The staff at MESA seemed satisfied that they ate it with relish.

Who needs a good slap: The Overlords (accounting). A few days ago I got a vague but menacing email from an Overlord in Accounting requesting half an hour of my life to go over ‘certain billing concerns’. The Overlord CC several other Overlords including my working Boss, her Boss, and the doctor in charge of the West branch. Yikes! It’s a matter of billing code #96127. I didn’t recognize at first. Later I remembered this is the code for doing rating scales. Prior to The Overlords the law of the land was to bill for these. Indeed, don’t forget to do so. About a month ago, The House Manager informed us to stop as The Overlords have spoken. What was required is now verboten – so I stopped. The House Manager emailed her and everyone back to remind them this had been discussed and settled. However, it is not clear if this settles the matter, or The Overlord (accounting) remains unsatisfied in her lust for blood and book balance.

On a scale of 1-5, I give thems in the accounting department two slaps. Thems in charge should have known about this as the CC persons were the ones telling us/me to stop.

Who gets a fist-bump: Arizonians displaying “vote for Harris” items. There are some Democrats in the area where I live but they don’t dare display such on bumper stickers or yard signs as thems who vote for The Trump party are violent and will deface car and property. Lately signs and stickers have been seen in public. I applaud their courage to do so. To my surprise there are several in my neighborhood. I thought we were the only non-Trump types in the area.

What I’m planning: A bug shirt. DougT of butterfly fame is coming to Tuscon in mid-October for one is his bug conventions. He sent me some fabric for he likes to make an ingress wearing the latest Spo-shirt with bugs on it. His fellow entomologists take notice of these; I don’t want him showing up in last season’s centipedes.

What’s making me smile: Less than ardent temperatures. Patience above! We are finally seeing cooler temperatures! Last night’s lows was in the upper 20C (68F) which was enough to keep the door open after I took Harper out for a morning stroll. For the first time in many months the outside air was cooler than what’s inside.

BERJAYA

Someone works at the Arizona Convention Center. Conventions come and go and they often leave behind things they don’t want to bother lugging back to their hotel or whence they came. He and his co-workers split the booty if the discards are of any use. Years ago, a group titled C.H. Robinson left behind a large box of notepads. Apparently, no one at C.H. Robinson takes notes – at least not on paper. Mr. Robinson (or someone like him) handed over to Someone a box of pads the size of a safe. None of the convention workers wanted them, so Someone (the dear!) brought them home to me.

I have a notepad always at my side while working. On it I scribble to-do things and items that won’t stay in my immediate short-term memory. Throughout the day (when I have time) I write down language lessons. By the end of the day the page is full up with notes, to-do calls interspersed with sentences and words in German, French, and Spanish. About one page is filled per workday. The used page is then placed in the recycling/shredding bin and I am ready for the next day with a fresh’un.

I play a little game with myself: how long will I go before they are all used up? Alas, Babylon! I didn’t mark ‘Day 1″ so it’s only a guess. I reckon it’s been a few years – and there is no end in sight. I keep finding more of them, tied up in rubber bands, in drawers at work and at home. By now I am so used to them I fear I will become emotional when I don’t have anymore.

The blue hexagonal logo resembles a virus so I surmised they are a science lab. Only yesterday did I finally look up Mr. Robinson and company. He/they coordinate the shipping of freight. They are located in Minnesota and they have a local branch in Phoenix. I suppose when I run out I can go to their local office to explain my situation. This will either amuse them to no end or evoke alarm to call the authorities to get this odd ball off their property.

Rationalists and experts of computers tell me all I use a paper pad for can be done on screen using ersatz post-its and such, but I’m staying with my longtime lover Mr. Robinson. It is a sort of joy to take to paper a note-to-self, using a newly sharpened pencil. The task of slowly writing down language lessons helps retain them in my memory.

I should ask Someone to be on the look-out the next time Mr. Robinson comes to town so I can drop by and thank him.

“How, from where we started, did we ever reach this Christmas?” – Queen Eleanor in ‘The Lion in Winter’.

14. Why was it so important for you to do X (i.e., move away from home, take a specific role, walk away from a relationship)?

Dear me! I think if a youngster had the effrontery to asked this question out of the blu without context the response they would get would be a terse “none of your business!’ Perhaps an explanation is in order why the question is being asked.

Most major events in life didn’t happen consciously or quickly but occur in a series of steps over time until you realize one day you are and slightly surprised how on earth you got there. More-specific reasons for moving away or ending something often are due to unhappy or scandalous reasons the person being asked may find embarrassing to admit. Take for example my father. He started his study of law at The University of Michigan but he transferred to The University of Detroit. I’ve heard hints he was expelled due to some sort of shenanigan and it was the influence of my grandfather that saved him two get into another school. Asking him now to spill the beans if he goofed off and didn’t make the grade and/or caused a scandal would be interesting (to me anyway) but not something he would want others to know.


Your grandmother leaving town due to a pregnancy or domestic violence is noteworthy but nevertheless perhaps too sensitive a subject. My ancestors have been whitewashed into noble pioneers and God-fearing virtuous folk what really happened is lost to history.

On the other hand there is some folks find it a relief to finally tell someone their secrets. One of the advantages of growing old is you care less and less what others think about you. You can strip away the euphemisms and sugar-coated stories of your life. Indeed, telling them to your grandchildren makes you more human and someone who survived sorrow – a role model for the questioner to persevere. Young people always think they are the first at experiencing an upset and it’s the end of the world as they know it. Hearing from Gramps or Nan they’ve been there and felt the same way but survived – this may be the best thing a young person can hear. You are no longer an ideal but you are more real. I’ve had handfuls of screw up and scandals, many quite embarrassing really. If my niblings want to know them I would be glad to tell all. I hope it would give them courage to get through their own f-ups; it gets better.

Merciful heavens! It looks like we are finally going to see cooler temperatures. Cooler is a relative term however. The highs will still be in the upper 30C but the lows will be nearly 20C. The AC can take a break for once and I can open the doors a bit in the morning. Bliss.

Someone has a rare Sunday off day so he will be home to assist with there’s-work-to-be-done chores. Normally I do these myself. Place your bets how different today will go compared to my home-alone Sundays. I want to clean out the home office which hasn’t been dusted in ages. This means moving all the knickknacks and curios and the (his) papers off the shelves for a good cleaning. That’s about all I want to accomplish and if I don’t there is no consequence.

It looks to be a quiet Sunday otherwise. I could take a nap and read some books and other oldster-like past times. I have to remind myself this is a nicety. Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest. I am old enough to remember many places were closed on Sunday for religious or municipal reasons; one was supposed to stay home and not toil. Nowadays Sundays are as jam-packed as a weekday if not more so; if you stay at home and don’t do anything you are looked upon as an object of suspicion.

This evening I plan on making an apple cider doughnut bundt cake or something like it. It is supposed to feel and taste like a doughnut. It is easier just to bring in a dozen Dunkins (or better yet Timbits) but it is all in the delivery. Thems at work are less likely to take a doughnut than try a slice of something homemade.

Another palm tree seed germinated in the night; this makes four. Funny how some seeds ‘wait’ to sprout. In theory they will have a harder time competing with their already growing counterparts. This is evolution on a small scale. Of course none or all of them could survive, probably more dependent on Urs Truly than natural selection. Time will tell.

I got word on Friday The Overlords hired us a new Boss! This time it is a male type so I can reuse one of my favorite archetypal words: The Boss Man. Thems at work snooped about on the internet to see what’s his story. He’s a nice fellow, well over four feet, with extensive experience in this sort of thing. His bio says he was in the military, so I don’t know if his title will be Mr. Bossman or Dr. Bossman or Captain Bossman. On the negative, he looks half my age and I don’t need no whippersnapper coming in to tell me my business. But let’s not count chickens. A lot could happen between the announcement and his arrival of mid-October.

That’s about all the news that’s fit to print this Sunday morning. Ms. Kamala Harris or someone like her is now texting or emailing me several times a day using clever titles but the same contents reaching out their hands for my money. I would give some if they would cease and desist but they won’t. I can’t help feel some (all?) these requests are scams; who on earth these days responds to texts asking for your credit card? Part of this Sunday is turning off the phone and not paying attention to the damn thing. Now that would be a day of rest.

It’s Saturday. After a few mundane or matter-of-fact entries. It’s time to loosen up a bit and write something whimsical. I don’t want to Spo-fans to disappear; just hate when that happens.

Little foil condiment packets with their ‘rip here’ in one of the corners and no matter how you try it doesn’t work so you use your teeth which rips the whole side off spilling ketchup or hot sauce all over creation. Just hate when that happens.

Writing a progress note and signing off thinking the appointment is done only for the patient to bring up a ‘doorknob’ issue that isn’t going to be documented. Just hate when that happens.

A green sock that plays stowaway among the whites, which you learn later on when you pull the pale green dress shirts and athletic socks out from the washer. Just hate when that happens.

A morning with two types of good morning memes: one for general audiences and the other one doggerel. And you send your auntie not the former but the latter. Just hate when that happens.

A half hour playing games with The Car Key Gnomes only for Someone to point out the keys are ‘right there’ in plain sight which you swear you looked there already. Just hate when that happens.

Taking a bite of a loaded sandwich or burger only for the contents to eject from the other end onto the table or worse into your lap. Just hate when that happens.

On Duolingo being told your translation is incorrect “I am going next Tuesday to the zoo’ and you are told the proper answer is “I am going to the zoo next Tuesday”. Just hate when that happens.

I write a detailed well-worded text done with elegance and earnest and the recipient replies with a ‘thumb up’ emoji. Just hate when that happens.

Opening the waiting room door to fetch Y, the next patient, and calling them X as you first stopped by the receptionist who asked you a question about X. Just hate when that happens.

Realizing you’ve been walking around all day with an unzipped fly or a stain on your shirt from lunch time. Just hate when that happens.

Finally, when you realize you forgot to do something in a recipe and try to figure out whether to just skip it or somehow add the missing ingredient anyway now and it doesn’t come out right because you made the wrong choice – again. Just hate when that happens.


Tell me in the comments something you just hate when that happens.

BERJAYA

“I worry that no matter how cynical we are it is never enough to keep up” Jane Wagner.

The Board of Directors Here at Spo-reflections recently sent something I think they are calling ‘system analysis”. It is the usual hodge-podge of runes and Proto-Germanic words that from a distance resembles a Jackson Pollack painting more than a letter. The ‘jist’ seems to be I write a lot (viz. too much) about Hope. Perhaps I can write a little bit more on burning down public buildings and rolling down grass hills?

I write a lot about Hope. I do this to keep Hope going. Hope is a fragile thing, easily shattered by hopelessness and cynicism. To reiterate, Hope is not optimism. Optimism is the illusionary belief everything will turn out well. Anyone who has lived more than ten years knows that ain’t so. Hope is the belief despite what happens, you/us will get through it, somehow. Hope happens even in the darkest of times. You may not come out the way you wanted but you will make it. Hope is often self-fulfilling: holding onto Hope makes it happen. Abandon Hope and you voluntarily enter your own personal Inferno.

In my line of work, the opposite of depression is not happiness, but normalcy. In my opinion, the opposite of Hope isn’t hopelessness but cynicism. Cynicism is a poison. I recent heard some studies linking cynicism to all sorts of consequences, including a shorter life span. Being cynical gets others to respond similarly, thus ‘proving’ cynicism is true when in fact if one conveys hope and trust rather this often evokes others to respond in kind.

Tyrants and thems in power love cynicism. If their subjects are cynical, they believe there is nothing that can be done to change the status quo. The system if rigged and nothing you do can make a difference. If their subjects have Hope, they have a chance (a fairly good one usually) of ousting the nasty rulers.

In the USA I have seen a surge of Hope after a long while of seeing little to none. This is based on the cynical approach La Naranja Mala is unbeatable and there is nothing one can do about it. This belief is being shaken that even LNM is perturbed. But let’s not count chickens. Rejecting cynicism and going with Hope is the first step. The second step is to share Hope. The third step – and this is very important – is to do something, not nothing. I am seeing Harris signs up in my neighborhood where once upon a time there were only Trump signs; one would not dare to put up signs otherwise out of fear. It’s a small thing but it does a lot.

To be a more neutral after November there will be a sizeable amount of people devastated the country and the world has come to an end. This will challenge the choice of Hope indeed. May we be Gandhis and Victor Lazlos regardless and always.

BERJAYA

Yesterday’s appointment with The Good Urologist went well. He was a nice fellow, well over four feet; I liked him right away. It turns out he and I went to the same schools, so we had that to bond with. He told me I was OK and RTC in a year. A year?! I wanted to say I’ve read it ought to be every six months, but I held my tongue, for he was the doctor and I the patient.

BERJAYA

Last February while on holiday in Palm Springs I got a few palm tree seeds from these majestic beauties. Around Labor Day I realized I hadn’t attended to them, so I put them in some soil in a pot on the kitchen window ledge. Hey! Three have sprouted! Seeds are amazing. They sit inert for six months but give them some water and heat and they grow. It feels good to do some gardening again.

BERJAYA

I ordered a box of pencils. I do not need pencils. I have heaps. These are not just any pencils, but Blackwing 402 pencils. They are the best pencils there ever ever was; do not dare to question this. A dozen costs thirty dollars, but I got a four-thousand-dollar vacation pay out at work, so I can splurge.

BERJAYA

Today on my work schedule I see “X” is back. I have not seen “X” since 2013, eleven years ago. This is why we never close charts. I joke we don’t even close the dead ones as who knows if they will return.

This weekend I see the play ‘Night Mother. It is about a mother and a daughter, having a typical night until the daughter matter of fact announces she is going to kill herself this evening. The play is a powerful one and controversial to say the least. Is suicide ever justified? The daughter is not mentally ill or suffering from cancer or insurmountable pain; her decision is an existential one. I remember being quite moved by it when I saw it over ten years ago. I am curious to see how I react to it this time. Regardless, I will probably need some warm fuzzies and a stiff drink afterwards.

BERJAYA

The autumn baking continues. This weekend I try making candy corn cookies, which look like chocolate chip cookies with candy corn instead of the chocolate chips. Through the internet I hear some Spo-fans howling like an orchestra of scorched cats at the concept. I am curious to see if the candy corn dominates or compliments the taste of the cookie. I make a better-than-average chocolate chip cookie by using browned butter instead of basic, an extra egg yolk for a more cake-like consistency, and some Baileys cream in lieu of vanilla.

I will keep you posted how it turns out.

BERJAYA

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