A Really Rotten Day

Yesterday, which was Tuesday, I saw my chiropractor to see if she could help me with my painful jaw. (See Monday's post here.)

I did feel better after seeing her. She put my mid-back back in place, and worked on my lower back where my hips and pelvis were out. I wouldn't let her touch my face because she can be a bit rough and I wasn't up to the pain. However, her ministrations helped, and I was hopeful.

This morning, I was in a lot of pain when I woke up. It wasn't radiating down my back like the day before, but it was instead mostly all focused on my face.

When I swallowed, I noticed pain. If I chewed, at all, there was pain. I immediately put heat on my neck and shoulders as the chiropractor had instructed.

The pain continued.

I showered. Sometimes, a hot shower helps, but not this time. I was still in pain. I finally called my husband. "You're going to have to take me to the ER or somewhere, I can't tolerate this," I told him. I was in tears, the pain was so strong. This was about 9:15 a.m.

He came home and I suggested he call the dentist office. I'd tried to get her to see me Monday but she'd suggested I go to the ER and I didn't want to do that. For unknown yet very frustrating reasons, I always get better healthcare when my husband steps in. So, he called, and this time the dentist came on the phone to talk to him, and then I talked to her. She said she would call around and see if an oral surgeon could see me, so someone would call me back.

Apparently, the oral surgeons weren't available (there aren't that many in the area anyway), so the dental office called back and said the dentist would see me at 11 a.m.

My husband insisted on taking me. "I have to take care of my sweetie pie," he said. He is so sweet.

I knew, though, that he had many other things he'd wanted to do today as he'd told me a long list of chores the night before. I felt bad about taking up his time.

My dentist is a very nice and kind woman, and I have nothing but praise and respect for her. She took an X-ray which showed that my jaw wasn't dislocated, which was a relief to me because I was afraid that was what had happened. That means, though, that my pain is a soft-tissue issue of some sort.

She could see that I had facial swelling, and that worried her. She was afraid that it would swell down into my throat or even up into my brain. She insisted I go to the emergency room.

We left her office at 11:30, and after a quick stop in Food Lion to grab my husband a sandwich and me a six pack of Boost (which is about all I've had to eat for several days, TMJ is a great weight loss program), by noon we were at a satellite ER, Lewis Gale Bonsack. (If I'm going to report this, I may as well report where I went.) We had heard good things about this place, so I was expecting a good experience.

I guess those folks went somewhere else.

The parking lot looked relatively empty. I thought that was a good sign.

We clocked in at the self-check-in kiosk (a new experience for me) and waited in the outer waiting area for about 15 minutes. There was 1 person ahead of me and another came in afterwards. Of course, it was lunch time and that is never a good time to attempt something like this, but it was what it was.

The nurse called my name, and we went back and she took initial information about what was wrong. I told her exactly what my dentist had said and her concerns, and also noted that X-rays indicated no rotten teeth causing the swelling. Even when it hurts, I try to brush my teeth, though I may not do such a great job at it when the pain is this bad. In spite of many cavities from those teenage years of braces, my teeth (knock wood) are in fairly good shape.

After that, the nurse took us to two chairs in a hallway. There were rooms everywhere, but I guess they had people in them? Or maybe the facility just didn't want to pay the light bill? I don't know, but we sat in the hallway for well over an hour before a doctor came by.

While we waited on him, a young woman came in without a mask (everyone else was masked), and said she had a sore throat. She was placed in the hallway, too, about 20 feet away from us. This made me very nervous.

Finally, the doctor, an aging gentleman who did not look like a happy camper, glanced at me, asked me to remove my mask there in the hallway, and then said he didn't see any swelling. He looked down my throat and said everything looked fine to him. He acted like he didn't believe I was in pain. (I suspect he thought I was after pain pills, although I never asked for them, nor did I want any.) He suggested a CT scan. I said I could not do the one with the dye. I didn't realize there are two kinds of dye, the kind you drink and the kind you insert through a vein, but apparently however you go, you have to have the dye.

I haven't had a CT scan in 10 years, but I remember being sick from the scan. But I had to drink something then, and he said there was nothing to drink for a CT of the face. He didn't mention any other kind of dye.

So, when over an hour later the nurse came up to insert an IV so she could start inserting the dye in me, I stopped her. We were sitting in a hallway, for heaven's sake, and a not very sanitary one at that, what with sore throat girl sitting over there, and I have terrible veins. The last time I had a CT scan, it took someone 11 tries to get a vein. My primary care physician tries not to take blood from me because I am what the medical professionals call "a hard stick." She considers it a win if the nurses actually manage to get blood out of me.

So, I declined the CT scan. The nurse went and got the doctor, who said he was just looking to see if there was something inside causing a problem. I said I'd come back if things worsened.

This was probably a mistake. If so, that is on me, but by this time we'd been there for 3 hours. I was tired, hungry, in pain, and not up to sitting there another 3 hours to get a CT scan. So, we paid the insurance co-pay and left with nothing to show for the day but the dentist's X-ray.

However, I am happy to note that as the day wore on, after I'd showered and taken a muscle relaxer, the pain in my jaw had eased. It wasn't gone, but it was better by the time I saw the dentist. (Maybe the relief at seeing the dentist helped, who knows.) I still could not chew well or open my mouth very wide, but I felt better than I did. Since I had improved, I felt like it was ok to turn down the CT scan. (Besides, my husband was getting madder by the minute at how long things were taking when we weren't seeing a lot of people coming in and out, and he didn't like being in a hallway.)

The facility is modern, but I don't know why we were in a hallway and not in a room. If something that was built in 2021 is so overloaded that people have to sit in the hallway, somebody did poor planning.

So now I am home writing this, with ice on my jaw and heat on my shoulders. If there is swelling in my face, then it needs ice. I will ice it for 15 minutes every hour tonight and see what the morning brings. Soft tissue injuries take time to heal, so hopefully by the weekend I will see noticeable improvement.

If not, I can always go back to the ER and do it all over again.

By the way, we sat there so long that I was able to start a little song, to the tune of that old 70s song called Smokin' in the Boys Room.

Sittin' in the ER
Thinkin' it's a drag
Waitin' on a doc
Well it just ain't my bag.

Will they call out my name?
Will it be soon?
Or will I be sitting here
Until next June?

(Chorus)

Sittin' in the ER, yes I am
Sittin in the ER.
Doctor turn that TV
Off of Fox News*
'Cause everyone news that the ER is the place for the blues.

One more time!

*They did not have a TV in the hallway. They had one in the outer waiting room but it was on the Lifetime channel.

Don't Speak

When someone looks at me, they see an overweight person who otherwise looks healthy.

However, I have a lot of things wrong with me. I don't talk about them much, because, well, who cares? Everybody has things wrong with them. But I could do a Thursday 13 list of my health issues and still not be done.

Today, though, I'm going to talk about TMJ. Or TMD, whichever you want to call it. I have had this problem for 30 years.

It is only getting worse.

TMJ stands for temporomandibular joint, which is the joint that connects your jawbone to your skull. TMJ disorders are a type of condition that can cause pain, stiffness, clicking, locking, or reduced movement of the jaw. 

There are many possible causes and risk factors for TMJ disorders, such as genetics, arthritis, jaw injury, teeth grinding, or certain connective tissue diseases. TMJ disorders can be diagnosed by physical examination, dental X-rays, CT scan, MRI, or arthroscopy. 

Treatment options may include medication, oral splints, physical therapy, counseling, injections, or surgery. 

TMJ disorders are usually not serious, but they can affect your quality of life and cause discomfort.

In my case, it comes and goes. I have had it off and on since my braces were removed when I was a teenager. But I would also go for years and not have a problem, only to have something 

trigger it. In the 2000s, for example, I had a lot of tension in my life, and it became a painful problem. My symptoms include clicking, my jaw locking shut (sometimes for up to two days), and lots of pain.

Lots and lots of pain.

After a while, it eased, and then came the infamous gallbladder surgery of 2013. During the operation, the anesthesiologist knocked my jaw out.  I distinctly remember that because the nurses were trying to get me to eat a popsicle and I couldn't get it in my mouth. Finally, I stood up to make my way to the bathroom and my jaw popped back into place.

It's a sweet relief when the thing goes back where it is supposed to be. There is residual soreness, but nothing like what you feel when it is out.

Since that night of my surgery, my TMJ has been an issue. Almost every morning, I get up and pop my jaw back into place. I have a mouth guard that the dentist made to help, and it did help for a while, but it seems to not be helping so much now.

Saturday, I bit down on a rice cake (a rice cake!) and had sharp pain shoot through my jaw, so strong it almost knocked me to the floor. It was like a million bees stung me. I put my hand to my jaw area and I could feel my pulse racing on the left side, the blood rushing around in there. My bite was suddenly off, with everything pulled to the right.

The pain was intense.

I alternated ice and heat, took muscle relaxers, and went to bed. Yesterday it wasn't hurting so much, and I tried to have an easy, relaxing today. This morning I felt almost normal, so I went to the grocery store and ran a few errands. I came home and ate a soft lunch of soup. Then I bit down on a baked potato chip, and the pain shot through my jaw again. Not as severe as on Saturday, but bad enough.

Now, it's an ache. Have you ever chewed gum so long that your jaws hurt? It's kind of like that in my jaw, but the pain also wraps around my entire head, and goes down my neck and into my back.

I have known for years that if my back is out, my jaw can get out, too. I just saw the chiropractor on Thursday, so I suspect the adjustment was a little off, and this is the result. So back to the chiropractor I go in the morning. I wanted to see my dentist after the incident at lunch, but she said for me to go to urgent care. Like they were going to do something. Urgent care around here is not something I care to use.

The chiropractor asked me questions to make sure I wasn't having a stroke, because I sounded a little slurred, she said when she called me on the phone. Sure I sound slurred, I told her. I can barely open my mouth without pain and I'm taking muscle relaxers. I'm coherent, I said. Joe Biden is the current president, and we had an orange dumb ass for the last one.

She laughed and said I sounded normal, but if anything changed, I should go to the emergency room.

I'm sitting here with heat on my shoulders and back, trying to figure out what the hell to do about this. If you read up on TMJ, you'll find that no one really knows how to resolve the matter. A mouth splint, which I have, is about the only cure. Surgery seldom works, and I've already said no doctor is cutting on me again. I've had enough of their invasive care.

One thing I want to remind people is that it never hurts to be nice. You never know what kind of invisible crap, like TMJ, someone might be going through.

Happiness Challenge - Day 16

Today I saw the chiropractor. I had a bit of a reaction to the adjustment (or maybe to my blood pressure medicine) - when I sat up, I had spots dancing before my eyes.

My chiropractor gave me cold water and made me sit there for a very long time. After I dressed, she kept me in the waiting room talking until she felt like I was good to go.

It's nice to be cared for by someone who, well, cares. She didn't have to go out of her way to make sure I was fine before I drove home, but she did.

In a world where money rules, today I am happy that I have managed to find some healthcare providers who actually care about me as a person.

Thursday Thirteen #820

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to make another person doubt their own perceptions, memories, or sanity. It's a tactic used to gain power and control over someone by making them question their reality, thereby weakening their confidence and ability to trust their own judgment. The term "gaslighting" originates from a play called "Gas Light," in which a husband manipulates his wife by dimming the gas lights in their home and then denying that they had changed, making her doubt her perception.

Here are 13 ways to identify when someone might be gaslighting you:

1. Denying: The gaslighter flatly denies events or situations that you clearly remember happening, making you question your memory.

2. Withholding Information: They purposefully withhold information or keep secrets, causing you to doubt your understanding of what's going on.

3. Contradictions: They contradict themselves frequently, making it difficult for you to grasp the truth and leaving you feeling confused.

4. Trivializing Feelings: The gaslighter dismisses your emotions or reactions as overreactions, making you question your own feelings and emotional responses.

5. Projection: They accuse you of things they are doing themselves, deflecting attention away from their actions by putting the focus on you.

6. Shifting Blame: Gaslighters shift blame onto you, even for their own mistakes or inappropriate behavior, leading you to feel responsible for things that aren't your fault.

7. Minimizing: They downplay their behavior or the impact it has on you, making you doubt the significance of your concerns.

8. Creating Confusion: Gaslighters intentionally confuse you by changing their story or manipulating facts, leaving you unsure of what's true.

9. Isolation: They isolate you from friends, family, or support networks, making you more dependent on them and less likely to get validation from others.

10. Doubting Your Memory: They repeatedly claim that your memory is unreliable, causing you to question your recollection of events.

11. Using Others: Gaslighters might enlist others to support their version of events, making you feel like everyone agrees with them and you're in the wrong.

12. Setting Unrealistic Expectations: They set unrealistic standards for you and then blame you for not meeting them, eroding your self-esteem and self-worth.

13. Changing Reality: Gaslighters may rearrange objects, hide things, or subtly change your environment to make you doubt your sanity or perception.

If you suspect someone is gaslighting you, it's important to trust your instincts and seek support from trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional. Gaslighting can have serious effects on your mental and emotional well-being, and recognizing it is the first step towards protecting yourself from its harmful effects.

______________

Thursday Thirteen is played by lots of people; there is a list here if you want to read other Thursday Thirteens and/or play along. I've been playing for a while, and this is my 820th time to do a list of 13 on a Thursday. Or so sayth the Blogger counter, anyway.

A Catch-Up Post

Healthcare

Thursday, I saw my cardiologist for a follow-up on my echocardiogram. I am fine, except for "old age" issues. I have a right ventricular valve that's doing a little splashing about, which has caused the new heart murmur sound that had my primary care doctor concerned.

But the cardiologist was like a different person. He was nice when I saw him the first time. But this time, he was, frankly, a jerk. As soon as I asked one question about statins - how did they mix with medications I am already on - he immediately said I wasn't interested in taking them so there was no point in discussing it. I told him my PCP had suggested Zetia and he waved that away as if it were nothing. Then he went on to say that if I weren't going to take whatever drug he offered me, there was no point in my returning to see him. I could try diet and exercise and good luck to me. He wouldn't discuss "diet" either, as in, what I should or shouldn't eat. He didn't even offer a handout with diet information on it. 

He was rather combative, actually, and I was appalled.

This is why I dislike dealing with the Carilion Health Care system in Roanoke. I do not get good care there. This surprised me because my husband was with me and usually, I am treated better when he is there, but not this time. Of course, he didn't speak up, either.

There are many medications I cannot tolerate. I haven't tried statins for about 20 years, and I couldn't take them then. I have no idea what may or may not have changed in 20 years, but he certainly wasn't going to discuss it.

So I left without any drugs for my high cholesterol (I don't think it's *that* high myself, although I know the doctors do). I mean, if this were 1983, my cholesterol would be considered low. But it 2023, and so it is considered high.

Even red rice yeast makes me feel bad. I take a little of that, along with flax seed oil, to try to help with my cholesterol but I have to be careful with it. It makes me have brain fog and I like to think properly.

My father and brother both also have cholesterol issues, so I am sure this is hereditary. I am not going to worry about it too much. Maybe I should, but I honestly think the numbers are more about selling drugs than making people healthy.

Sunday

Sunday began ok, with us sleeping in for a change. Then my husband spilled his sugar with a little coffee in it (he drinks it like it's a syrup), and that was a sticky mess. Then he went to check on his mother and discovered the thermostat on her air conditioning unit wasn't working, so he had to call the repair people.

While he was over there with her, I saw a huge coyote come from the direction where the cows are, so I called him and asked him to go check the cattle as soon as he could.

He discovered a dead calf, which he then had to bury.

Aside from the coffee/sugar cleanup, this was stuff that affected him more than it affected me, but I still found it a stressful day. Losing a calf is always hard, and this was another newborn. Not only does that make me sad, but it's also a financial hit. Selling the calves after they've been weaned is how we make money raising cattle. No calf, no sale.

Plus, we have to watch the mom cow now to make sure she doesn't go into mastitis or develop an infection. 

When the cattle roam over a large acreage, we can't keep an eye on them constantly, and with predators like coyotes and vultures roaming around, it's a certainty we're going to lose calves now and then.

And besides, what affects him also affects me. How could it not after almost 40 years of marriage?

*Bing AI produced the images.*

Nonexistent

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of failure, but no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends but hating to socialize. It's wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely.  

It's feeling everything at once, then feeling paralyzingly numb.

                                        -- Found on Facebook under "Nonexistent"

I ran across this paragraph on Facebook the other day, and I saved it because it resonated with me.

Actually, it rang about 10,000 bells, and I had to stop and admit to myself that this is it. Even though I tell myself all the time that I'm not anxious and I am not depressed, I am.

It's painful to admit but I have always felt this way. Maybe when I was born I did not, but I do not ever remember a time when I was not depressed. Not just sad, but depressed. Not just scared, but hopeless, for the most part.

And always anxious. Always insecure. Always sure that I am the alien who landed on the wrong planet, but I don't know where home is, or how to get back there.

What I feel daily feels like walking through molasses every single minute of every hour of the day. One foot up, plop it back down into the molasses. A big deep hole filled with molasses, one that I can never swim out of, because I can't see a top, or feel a bottom, or see a shoreline.

There is a story that comes to me occasionally about a donkey that fell into a deep hole. The farmer couldn't figure out how to pull the donkey out, so he decided just to bury the donkey alive. The donkey, seeing the dirt fall, climbed atop each pile of dirt as it fell until it hopped out of the hole.

If only it were that easy. If only the hole full of molasses had an end, a beginning, a middle, instead of just being always there.

If only somebody could tell me where to find the dirt that would take away the molasses and leave me on solid ground. But there are no answers. I've had 100s of hours of therapy and read 100s of books, and there are no answers. Not for me, anyway.

People don't see it, I guess. Some do if they're paying close attention. But I've always felt like the person who didn't belong, the unwanted one, the unwelcomed one, the needy, obsolete, imperfect one. The one who couldn't do it right no matter how hard the trying. Always wrong, never correct, never good enough, never perfect enough.

I suspect I know where that comes from. I imagine you know where it comes from, too, because I don't think we're born feeling imperfect, unless maybe you weren't wanted to begin with, and those feelings seeped on into your DNA as you were a fetus being formed in the womb. 

Some days I consider it a win if I get up, dress, do the laundry, the dishes, and make the bed. This, I know, is more than many people with depression can manage. I function, so what am I complaining about? I have always functioned. I have never let this emotional angst take me completely, but it's been a long and tiring fight. A constant struggle to stay above the molasses.

There are days when I feel l'appel du vide - the call of the void - so strongly that it's a wonder I don't get in the car and drive it off a bridge somewhere. But I do not do that. 

Before I had my gallbladder removed and chronic pain in my abdomen took my life away from me, I fought it better. I could fill my days easier, because I didn't also have to account for the pain. I liked deadlines and I needed - and still need - external pushes, like expectations from someone else - to get things accomplished.

The pain brought a different kind of time suck as I maneuvered through the health care system, trusted that eventually physical therapy would fix me (after 10 years I know that's not happening), and hoped up until I was about 55 that my 50s would be better than the rest of my life. That was what I'd been counting on - a good decade. That was all I wanted, was one good decade out of a lifetime.

But my 50s sucked. And now I'm 60, and I don't see how to change things, to make things different, to bring myself out of the hole and send the molasses down the sink drain so that my 60s don't suck. Because right now, they don't look any different and the horizon hasn't changed.

After 60 years of fighting it, I have to wonder if it's simply time to accept that this is how I am, this is my personality trait, this is my failure. I'm simply not capable of anything more. I always thought I was made of sterner stuff, stronger stuff, but I guess not. 

Or maybe I am, in fact, incredibly strong, and the fact that I've survived these 60 years is really a testament to strength, to resiliency, to some inner something that keeps a person still standing up even as the molasses goes over her head.

Heart, Heart

Yesterday I met with the cardiologist. The appointment went about like I expected. He seemed nice enough. He said he could hear a heart murmur in the upper right ventricle, though how he could tell where it was exactly was a mystery to me.

My brother told me last night he thought I'd always had a heart murmur, but no. I don't know where he got that idea. I'm certain if that had been the case, my doctor of over 15 years would not have declared that I have a new murmur she hadn't heard before.

The doctor ordered an echocardiogram, which I expected. The appointment is six weeks away. 

I forgot, and so did my husband, apparently, that I had a stress test about 20 years ago, when I was having a lot of chest pain that turned out to be reflux. I didn't remember until we got home, and it isn't on my personal chart at this hospital conglomerate, so I'm guessing it was before everything was put on computer. The records must be hiding in some deep dark place, never to be seen again. I wonder if I should write the doctor and tell him I remembered this. (Actually, I just checked my blog, and it was February 2009, I wrote about here.) Maybe I can just tell the folks who do the echocardiogram, now that I have an approximate date.

The doctor told me at some point I'd have to make decisions about taking a statin (I do not do well on them), blood thinners, etc., etc., and I should expect to have a heart attack. This is basically what my GP has told me for years.

Weight loss may help, but I have not been able to do that. The only time I've lost weight has been when I've had active ulcers and couldn't eat. I eat Cheerios almost every morning, but I seriously doubt that has helped my lipid levels.

Getting old is no fun. It's rather cruel, actually. 

At Least That Is Over

Mother's Day

I don't recall when I last dreaded a Mother's Day so much as this one. There was no reason to dread it, particularly, but it is not my favorite holiday anyway. I suspect my upcoming 60th birthday had something to do with it.

So, I stayed off of Facebook with its syrupy photos of happy mothers and adorable children who are now old, stodgy adults trying to rebuild a 20th century that hasn't existed for 50 years, and tried to ignore other aspects of the holiday as well. I did my part by ensuring my husband's mother received her due as matriarch, and gave my stepmother flowers, but otherwise, I was over this "holiday" before it even began.

It's no secret that my mother and I had a bad relationship. I have had trouble with this celebration ever since I was a teenager. Hallmark doesn't sell "I'm sorry I was born and ruined your life," cards. At least, not around here. Not in the hardware store where the Hallmark cards are now.

It doesn't help when the bank hands out presents to you without even asking if you're a mom. I guess they assume everyone with gray hair has children. But not all of us have moms, or had good moms, and not all of us have children.

There are women like me who have no mothers and no children, making us what, irrelevant?

Book Banning

On the local front, I hear through my line of contacts that the library board meeting last week was a doozy, complete with screaming, invasion of personal space, and possibly throwing things (I heard two different versions of that so let's just say something happened). Someone should have called the Sheriff's Office and asked for a deputy. I hope they do that next month.

The issue, at this juncture, is LBGTQ+ books in the children's section of the library, along with some other books that show how babies are made that narrow minds consider pornographic. I have only checked out one - the only one I can find that's available as an audiobook - and didn't find any issues with it.

Of course, I have no children, so I suppose some might say I have no dog in this fight, but to be clear, neither does the person who is causing most of the uproar. My dog in this fight is this - if I want to read a book, then I want it to be available or I want the library to order it for me so I can read it, and not be stifled by these Christian Nationalists who think anything that doesn't portray what they approve of shouldn't be purchased.

As if they are the only people in this county who pay taxes. Plenty of other folks who don't subscribe to their cult pay taxes, and we want our books.

Matters of the Heart

Tomorrow, I go to see a cardiologist. I have developed a new heart murmur and my doctor wants me checked out. She's been very helpful, saying things like, "Your blood pressure is at stroke level," and "You don't have to worry about getting dementia, you're going to die of a heart attack long before that happens."

She is trying to ensure I follow through and go see this person, I suppose. She doesn't have to try that hard. I am old enough to die, but I'd just as soon it not happen right away.

This first visit will likely just be a howdy-do and the cardiologist will listen to my heart and then order bloodwork and maybe an ultrasound to start. Maybe he will do an EKG since I haven't had one in 10 years. That would make sense.

The doctor my GP wanted me to see is not taking new patients, so I'm seeing someone I know nothing about, except for what I found on the Internet. He studied internal medicine at Carilion - VA Tech School of Medicine in 2014-2017, then went on to do heart stuff in Louisiana. He can't have been in practice very long, but perhaps that means he's current on all the new stuff. Some of the older doctors still do things like they did 20 years ago.

I am trying to be positive about it, but I don't do "positive" very well sometimes.

Feint of Heart

Last week could have been worse.

Not only was I threatened over a silly article by a silly person, I was battling a problem with my blood pressure.

The numbers were running very high - stroke level high, actually. My doctor was telling me to take half of this pill or that to try to bring it down. I didn't know whether to exercise or go to bed.

Would that very last Baked Lays Potato Chip be the thing that threw me over the edge? I wondered.

And of course, things like having to phone the police to report said threatening phone call only upped my blood pressure. It certainly did nothing to ease it.

Finally, I saw my doctor on Thursday. She detected a new heart murmur. She's been listening to my heart for over 15 years so surely she would have heard it before were it not new.

She also said she heard a carotid bruit, which is a vascular sound over the carotid artery in the neck.

This is new, as well.

Add this to the pain in my calf that seems to be varicose veins, and it's starting to look like I have some kind of heart issue. Plaque buildup, probably. Too bad I can't brush my veins out like I do my teeth. 

Isn't learning that you are having heart problems just what one wants to hear to end out the week?

My doctor did not do bloodwork as I have terrible veins and the nurse that can easily do that was not in the office. She made a referral to a cardiologist but warned me not to expect to hear from the facility any time soon. Apparently, the days of making a referral and then seeing the expert with a few weeks are long gone. She said it may be months before I see a cardiologist, "but you'll be ok," adding that if she were really concerned, she would have sent me on to the emergency room.

In the meantime, she doubled one of my medicines, and the blood pressure numbers are lower now. Not great, but better than they were, and enough that I feel I have some breathing room.

Her notes on my chart indicate she is concerned about aortic stenosis. Aortic stenosis (AS or AoS) is the narrowing of the exit of the left ventricle of the heart (where the aorta begins).

However, I do not have the symptoms of this, which include loss of consciousness, shortness of breath, and chest pain. (Yes, I looked it up. Wouldn't you?) I have two out of 5 risk factors - high blood pressure and high cholesterol, and my cholesterol, while not great, is not running at really high levels. In fact, it was in the normal range 30 years ago when a doctor first checked it. 

I'm one of those people who think the numbers for cholesterol lower so the pharmaceutical companies can sell more drugs (I think the same thing about "A1C," which no one ever heard of until there was a drug available to "fix" it.). 

Cholesterol medicine did not agree with me when I tried it some years ago. I had cognitive issues with it and at one point could barely put two sentences together. That cleared up as soon as I stopped the medication. No one in my family tolerates cholesterol medication well, and since it seems to be a familial problem, I doubt seriously that there is little to be done about it.

My doctor told me once when I said something about being concerned about dementia since one of my medications is a suspect for that, that I shouldn't worry. "You'll die of a heart attack long before you get dementia," she said.

Comforting, eh?

On My Mind

Hospital Liability

A story I read in Sunday's paper disturbed me. A 51-year-old man, who had been in the hospital for 9 days being treated for pneumonia, checked himself out of the hospital. No one made sure he had a ride, or someone waiting to pick him up.

Hospital personnel just let him go.

They found him dead just below the grounds of the hospital. Apparently, he tried to walk out. Maybe he was still ill, maybe he had dementia, maybe he was still drugged up and not thinking clearly.

I don't know the whole story, and as a journalist I learned long ago not to judge, but on its face, it seems the hospital potentially has liability here. Shouldn't they ensure their patients have a ride - at least a cab or Uber - before they let them waltz out the door?

Or are we so callous as a society that it doesn't matter if someone walks out of the hospital and dies a few steps from its grounds?

Searching For Bad Guys

Last night, instead of contacting media, the local sheriff posted a video on Facebook that his deputies were searching an area of our community known as Timber Ridge for a fellow who'd been seen with a rifle. He counted off a list of charges the man was wanted for - having a weapon after being convicted as a felon, assault, etc. - and proceeded to say the problem was domestic violence and the person they were pursuing was of no danger to the public.

If there was no danger to the public, then why was half of the county's police force out looking for this fellow?

Why just post this on Facebook, and let the media find out about it that way? Or is Facebook the new media? I don't know. I don't get my news from there. I still read a newspaper.

And where's the promised update? This is not that far from me as the crow flies, nor is it far from people I know and care about. So there's a guy with a gun running around but he isn't a threat but the sheriff is searching for him. As far as I know, he's still at large almost 24 hours later.

Does that make any sense?

Banana Republic

From Georgia (the southern states are so messed up) comes this little ditty: a submitted bill that would allow the party in power to remove prosecutors they don't like.

What is going on in Georgia? The former guy and/or some of his friends is looking at an indictment for possibly illegally involving himself in the 2020 Georgia election.

When we remove officials on party-line whims, when the goals of a new law are strictly to satisfy something so one person or set of persons can benefit at the expense of others, then we've lost the rule of law. 

I believe strongly in the rule of law. I believe in the justice system. I also know it is a human construct, and that on its face makes it corruptible. Having come to the conclusion in recent years that we have no better angels, that most people, in fact, want their devils to come out and play, because it's actually more difficult to be a nice person than it is to be an asshole, I conclude that we, the USA, are doomed.

We've been a banana Republic run by yellow-belly sapsuckers since 2000. I was never an Obama fan, as he didn't live up to his potential. The president who won in 2000 won in what I considered an illegal election, and was given the seat by the Supreme Court, so if one wants to tout election issues, it needs to go back twenty years, not two. The former guy is just Hitler in a blue suit and a red tie. Some of the crap he spewed at this weekend's CPAC meeting was despicable. Does he think he is Jesus Christ? Sheesh. Biden is trying, but he's not what we need right now, and frankly, all politicians at the moment seem corrupt and bedraggled. None of them are shining examples of good government. They all have baggage, though I know everybody does.

Mind Your Own Business

I acknowledge it's everyone's right to do what they want about masks and vaccines, though I think it is irresponsible not to be vaccinated. I'm not talking about just Covid, I'm talking about other things, too, like chicken pox, measles, tetanus, hepatitis, polio., etc.

Vaccines have saved many, many lives.

Today I was the only person in the grocery store with a mask on. And you know what? I don't care. I don't care if people think I may be sick, I don't care if they want to make fun of me, I don't care what they think in the least. Because you know what I think? It doesn't matter what I think.

I don't go up to people and tell them what I think of them. I mind my own business, and I expect others to do the same.

By the way, I have a note I carry with me at all times from my doctor. Do you know what it says? It says I have been instructed to wear a mask when I am out in public at all times. Do you know why? Because I have health issues. I've been a walking illness since I was born. Modern medicine may have saved my life, but some days I don't know what for.

Playing Catch-Up

January is a horrid month, and I'm glad it's over. February isn't much better, but at least by now I have finished getting the paperwork together for the taxes and have that pain out of the way.

I have been remiss in my blog, though. I don't generally go two days and not write something. I couldn't think of anything to write yesterday that didn't make me tired when I thought about it, so I wrote nothing.

But today I'm not creatively tired, I am ready to write something.

So here goes.

Books

So far this year, I've read A Trick of the Light, by Louise Penny, which was one of the books in her series I skipped by accident, The Recovery Agent, by Janet Evanovich, which is a reworked version of a more competent Stephanie Plum with her ex-husband in Lula's role, Unf#ck Your Brain, by Dr. Faith Harper, a self-help book, Into the Glades, by Laura Sebastian, which is a young adult fantasy, and The Jasmine Throne, by Tasha Suri. 

The last book is an adult fantasy book, and like many of the fantasies I read, it takes on a political tone and examines the role of the feminine in power. The magic in the book was intriguing in that is a feminine magic - control of the Earth's soil and plants, along with another type of magic that involves telling the future. No fire wizards or things like that, although fire plays a big role in this story, wielded as a manly power. Swords and not guns. My only complaint was multiple points of views; I occasionally forgot who was talking and had to flip back to the beginning of the chapter to see whose name was on it. I recommend it if you prefer your books to have strong female characters and can imagine bucking the patriarchy one day.

The book I am currently reading is called Born with Teeth, by Kate Mulgrew. It is an autobiography (not a memoir), and I decided to read it because I try to read nonfiction and fiction alike. The last autobiography I read was Sally Field's. I prefer to read autobiographies or memoir of women, but dang if every woman who writes a memoir hasn't been raped at some point. I know that statistically something like 1 in every 3 women has been raped or a victim of incest or something, but I am not so sure that every single female in this world hasn't been manhandled at the crotch by some guy at some point. Mulgrew was robbed and raped not on a casting couch, but as she tried to fumble her way into her New York apartment with her hands full of grocery bags.

We do a poor job of raising men, if every woman is considered fair game. And apparently, we are.

The State of the Union

I did not watch The State of the Union address last night. I consider that political theater on the part of both sides. I have read varying synopses of is, and as best I can tell, some of the crazier Republicans acted like children and Dark Brandon handed them their ass on an environmentally friendly clay platter.

Since I read about the political scene almost every day, I know the state of the union without the drama and theater. I also buy groceries and gas, and listen to people, and read stuff from both sides of the aisle. The truth and the facts are in the middle. Sorting them out is a yeoman's task.

Contrary to popular belief, neither side represents me. I suspect a lot of people feel like that.

And that's all I have to say about that.

TV

I don't watch much TV, but I started a show on ABC called Alaska Daily that I want to recommend. It stars Hillary Swank and is about a newsroom in Anchorage. Very realistic and good acting. There are only six episodes available so far, but the show returns February 23. You can watch it on the ABC app.

Whose Line Is It Anyway? taped its last show last week. Since my husband and I are probably the only people left who watch the show, this is not unforeseen, but we enjoyed the interplay between the comedians. Also, it was on the CW, and I understand that channel is undergoing a revamp. The only other show I watched on that channel was Stargirl, and it's been cancelled. It had a good ending, though.

We've been watching the new version of Night Court with Melissa Rauch, but I can't decide if I like it or not. La Brae also returned on Tuesday nights. I like this show but have a feeling it's veering off into a direction that I may not like. 

On Thursdays, my husband watches Swamp People and tapes BattleBots. I read during Swamp People; once you've seen a few alligators killed, I don't need to see anymore. I like BattleBots because no one is getting hurt, you're just seeing robots fly to pieces. Too bad real-world problems can't be solved like that.

Life in General

We have re-rented the little house my mother left me, and I have high hopes for my new tenant. My husband on Saturday, on his way over there to finish some projects - every time someone leaves the house, we must spend money and time trying to fix things, replacing light bulbs, unstopping sinks, etc. - and swerved to miss a deer. He took out the mirror on his truck.

My leg is still swollen and tender, but it is no longer throbbing and purple, so it is getting better. I am unclear as to what I have - varicose veins, I think - or how to deal with it, other than stay off of my leg for a long while until things settle down. It is not my back, it's not a Charlie Horse, it's something in my veins. The fact that I am fat doesn't help, even if I did lose 15 pounds back in 2020. I need to lose a lot more.

The bird feeder is a great source of fun. We have lots of cardinals, blue jays, chickadees, etc. there, especially in the mornings. I like watching the birds. I haven't been taking pictures of them because it has been wet and damp, and like the Wicked Witch of the West, I melt in the rain.

I also still haven't found the green comet. The moon has been full, so there's a lot of light, and it may be that even though this is a rural area, there's simply too much light pollution around me now to see it. Or I just can't find it. I found Mars. I found Polaris. I found all the markers I was supposed to find, but no green comet.

The weather has warmed, and the rain has stopped. I may have to go sit outside a spell. I suspect an early spring.

Health Update

The blood work came back as not showing any sign of a clot, so that's good news.

The bad news my calf is remains swollen and there is a tangible knot there. It's also painful. 

It most likely is a varicose vein.

It's nothing life-threatening, anyway. Just something else to deal with.

Thanks to everyone for the words of encouragement. You're a fine bunch of gentle readers!

A DVT? or a SVT?

I had a visit with my primary care doctor this morning. I had tried to see her Friday, but couldn't get in.

While I have been having issues with earaches (apparently dry ear canals?), the main reason for the visit was a pain in the calf of my leg.

Wednesday night as I was preparing for bed, I felt something go in my calf. It felt like a razor blade ripped up my leg, actually.

I'd felt this before, and it was an SVT, or a Superficial Vein Thrombosis. This has occurred twice before. Both times I'd gone for the Doppler ultrasound, and it was negative, but it was also at least a week to 10 days after it had occurred.

This time I was trying to get on top of it quicker. My primary care doctor hadn't seen me the first time; I'd seen her nurse practitioner. The second time I waited about two weeks before I finally went in to see my PCP and the knot had disappeared though it was still painful. 

This time, my PCP could feel the knot in my leg. That, along with swelling, made her suggest another Doppler ultrasound, but I countered with the D dimer blood test instead. After some thinking, she agreed.

Now it's just a matter of waiting for the blood test results. I think it is a vein issue, like a varicose vein thing, maybe, or perhaps mild phlebitis (which is inflammation of the veins).

The last time I had this, I drank beet juice to try to help, but I haven't had any of that in a while. As far as natural remedies go, beet juice is the only thing I've found. There really aren't any natural cures for what ails me.

Just time.

I do hope it's not a DVT, though. A deep vein thrombosis would not be good.

ChatGPT - Artificial Intelligence

I created an account and went to the openai.com site to see what's up with the ChatGPT research. I've seen reports of students using it to create assignment responses.

I asked the AI to tell me about endometriosis. I thought it was not a highly sought after topic and felt it was a good test for the AI.

Here is its response:

Endometriosis is a condition in which the tissue that lines the uterus (the endometrium) grows outside of the uterus, most commonly on the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and other tissue in the pelvic region. This tissue continues to behave as it normally would inside the uterus, thickening, breaking down, and bleeding with each menstrual cycle. However, because this tissue is located outside of the uterus, it has no way to exit the body, leading to inflammation, pain, and the formation of scar tissue. Endometriosis can also cause infertility.

Then I asked: How do you cure endometriosis?

Endometriosis treatment options vary depending on the severity of the condition and the patient's individual needs. Some common treatment options include:

Medications: Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) can help alleviate pain, and hormonal medications such as birth control pills can help slow the growth of endometrial tissue.

Surgery: Laparoscopic surgery can be used to remove endometrial tissue and scar tissue, and may also be used to preserve fertility.

Hormonal therapy: GnRH agonists can be used to reduce the symptoms of endometriosis by lowering the levels of estrogen in the body and putting the patient into temporary menopause.

Complementary therapy: Physical therapy, acupuncture, and dietary changes can help alleviate the pain associated with endometriosis.

It's worth noting that while there is no cure for endometriosis, these treatments can help alleviate symptoms and improve quality of life. It's important to work with your healthcare provider to find a treatment plan that works best for you.

Then I asked: Can adhesions or scar tissue cause pain?

Yes, adhesions or scar tissue can cause pain. Adhesions are bands of fibrous tissue that can form between tissues and organs, and they can cause pain by pulling on or restricting the movement of organs and other structures. Scar tissue can also cause pain, particularly if it forms around nerves or other sensitive structures.

In the case of endometriosis, adhesions or scar tissue can form as a result of the inflammation caused by the endometrial tissue growing outside the uterus. These adhesions or scar tissue can cause pain by pulling on or restricting the movement of organs and other structures in the pelvic region. They can also cause chronic pelvic pain and dysmenorrhea.

It's important to note that not everyone with endometriosis will experience adhesions or scar tissue, and not everyone with adhesions or scar tissue will experience pain. Additionally, pain caused by adhesions or scar tissue may be treated with surgery, physical therapy and/or medication.

Then I asked: How do you deal with the pain from scar tissue and adhesions?

Dealing with pain caused by scar tissue and adhesions can be challenging, but there are several treatment options available:

Medications: Over-the-counter pain relievers such as ibuprofen or acetaminophen can help alleviate pain, and prescription medications such as muscle relaxants or nerve blockers may also be used.

Physical Therapy: Physical therapy can help relieve pain and improve mobility by stretching and strengthening the muscles and tissues affected by scar tissue and adhesions.

Surgery: Surgery may be necessary to remove scar tissue or adhesions that are causing pain or restricting movement. This may include laparoscopic surgery, which uses small incisions and a camera to remove the scar tissue or adhesions.

Complementary therapies: Acupuncture, massage, and other complementary therapies can help alleviate pain and improve mobility.

Lifestyle changes: Certain lifestyle changes such as avoiding certain positions, using heat or cold therapy, and reducing stress may also help alleviate pain.

Then I asked: Does a hysterectomy help with endometriosis?

A hysterectomy (removal of the uterus) may help alleviate symptoms of endometriosis, particularly if the endometriosis is concentrated in the uterus. However, it is not a guaranteed cure for endometriosis and it depends on the stage and location of the disease.

Removing the uterus and ovaries (oophorectomy) can be an effective way to stop the menstrual cycle and halt the growth of endometrial tissue, which can help alleviate pain and other symptoms. However, endometriosis can also occur on other organs such as the bladder, bowel, and even the lungs. If endometriosis is present in these areas, a hysterectomy alone may not be enough to alleviate symptoms.

Additionally, a hysterectomy is a major surgery and it carries risks and complications, it should be considered as a last resort after trying other treatment options.

It's important to work with your healthcare provider to find the best treatment plan for your individual needs, which may include a combination of medications, surgery, and/or other therapies.

There are no cites, and no case studies. But for a quick article and knowledge on this topic, this is as good as Wikipedia. I know enough about the condition, having had it, to see that the computer has the correct information. With a little tweaking, this could easily be turned into a student essay.

This is a bit scary, but also exciting.

Tinnitus

Tinnitus, or ringing of the ears, is a problem many think is found only in older adults. About 20% of the population has tinnitus, and while many indeed, are older, it's not just the seniors who have this issue.

I've had it for as long as I can remember.

When I was young, it was a high pitched "E" sound. I thought it was what a quiet room sounded like until the 4th grade. That was when, during a spelling session that included the words "quiet" and "silence" that my teacher asked what "quiet" sounded like. As I was an "A" student, she asked me first, and I told her it sounded like "EEEEEEE." 

The other kids laughed and I was told to stay after class. My fourth-grade teacher had a way of embarrassing me many times, this being one of them. She was angry at first, accusing me of being sassy, but after I explained that this was what I heard in a quiet room, she let me go without another word.

Not long after, she met with my parents in a PTA session. My mother asked me later if I had trouble hearing. I said I did not. She didn't ask about the noise. By then, of course, I'd figured out the noise was in me, even if I didn't know what it was called.

I thought it meant I might be crazy, so I didn't mention it again.

Thus, my "quiet room" noise continued unchecked. I noticed as a teenager that certain things would make it worse - Tylenol in particular.

I listened to music to drown it out, even as I went to sleep. In my teens, I wore out my Bread album falling asleep to it every night. As I grew older, I used a fan turned against the wall for a while, and eventually my husband and I switched to an air purifier that we run on "high fan" at night. The noise helps me sleep. 

Over the years, the sounds in my ears have changed. Sometimes the sound is scratchy, sometimes it is like 10,000 crickets all trying to be heard over one another. Sometimes it's that piercing "E" sound. (I used to use it to tune my guitar.)

This morning, though, for a brief period, my tinnitus was . . . gone.

I've had an ear infection and the doctor gave me drops for it, which my husband has dutifully put in my ears twice a day in spite of my howls of pain as each drop went in. The pain in my ears cleared up, and apparently, at least for a few hours, so did the tinnitus.

Moments without my constant ear sounds are rare. This is not the first time it's happened, but it is the first time in a long while.

Now the "EEEEEEE" sound is back, and I'm once again in my quiet room.

It beats the scratchy crickets that were visiting in my head last night!

Why I Still Mask Up

I am a masker.

And proud of it.

I've had only one person comment to me about wearing a mask, and it was someone I know, and someone I no longer care to be around. It was a man and the comments (he said something to me 3 times, with the last time being the deal breaker) were along the line that healthy people didn't need to mask, and the last time he saw me as I was leaving a store and he snickered, "You really think that mask is going to save you?" I walked right past him without a word.

I don't know why people think they have the right to comment on other people's actions or appearances, especially harmless ones that don't affect them. Now, if I were running my buggy into someone's heels in the store, of course I would expect them to turn around and tell me to stop. I have affected them. But wearing a mask affects no one. I happen to think that when we're in a high transmission area, as we are at the moment, and you don't wear a mask, then you're ignorant and part of the problem, but I don't go around telling people that. I do my thing and move on. Live and let live and all of that.

I wear a mask because I could have Covid and not know it. That's the way it works. I have allergies and I frequently have sinus drainage, a sore throat, and other symptoms that could be Covid. I test myself when things are flaring up, but I don't if I'm feeling ok. But I could be positive and not have tested at the right time.

And I'd be pretty upset if I thought I went out when I shouldn't have, without a mask, and killed somebody's grandma.

Also, I acknowledge there's a degree of feeling safer in a mask for me. I have not picked up every virus and bacterial infection around since I've been wearing masks. My allergies are not as bad if I wear a mask when I'm outside. They may not keep me from getting Covid, but they keep me healthier.

If I see someone obviously sick in the store, I leave. I have sat in the parking lot at the post office for 10 minutes waiting on the crowd to die out when I saw that most of its customers had no mask on. My time, my choice. 

My doctor has assured me that the likelihood of my dying from Covid, even with the vaccinations, is higher than average. I have asthma and other underlying health conditions (and I am judged on those, too, though those who judge haven't a clue of my history). I am taking care of myself, and I haven't time to worry about what other people do. (I also am carrying around a letter from my doctor that says I should wear a mask at all times because of my health.)

I don't understand why this is an issue, or anyone's business but my own.