I'm in Home Depot and some kid called me an old fart.
So if you're missing your kid, he's in the red LG dryer in aisle 17.
Get that tattoo...
Your family is already disappointed.
She just checked her bank account.
It said, "Return everything you just bought except the hooker heels. You're gonna need those."
In High School, I was excited to become a senior.
I'm not all that excited now.
As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought dogs are easily amused.
Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.
Wouldn't you love to watch a debate where everyone has Tourettes?
Please note: A national IQ test will be held on Tuesday, Nov. 5, 2024.
To all my Canadian friends: Your weather is down here in my yard again. I'm going to need you to come and get it!
All I want to do is lose weight and eat.
When I was a kid, there were no phones or tablets.
We read cereal boxes at breakfast.
Winter storm warning!
Be careful who you take home tonight.
You could be stuck with them all weekend.
Never make snow angels in a dog park.
My momma didn't raise a fool.
A psycho maybe, but not a fool.
Friend: Are you OK?
Me: I've learned to live with a very flexible definition of OK.
I went shopping for cherries and a microphone stand.
Bought a bing.
Bought a boom.
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter "playing wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
Believing facts and trusting science doesn't mean you're a "liberal."
It means you're "literate."
I may look like I'm cool on social media but in real life I have like 2 friends, work all the time, and sit in the house.
I used to care but now I take a pill for that.
My fondest childhood memory is thinking that $100 was a lot of money.
I would call my fashion style, clothes that still fit.
Ever get pre-annoyed?
Like when you already know someone is about to piss you off, so you just get a head start?
My secret talent is getting tired without doing anything.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child, which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them.
Always make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an asshole.
I'm terribly sorry you don't like my harsh honesty.
But I don't like your sugar-coated bullshit either.
If Mcdonald's sold hotdogs would you be able to order a McWiener and tell them to supersize it?
My tax return was so small that the lady from H&R Block took the money out of her bra.
I'm going to Walmart's parking lot and putting notes on the windshields that say "sorry for the damage", then sit back and watch.
A friend said he didn't understand cloning. I told him that makes two of us.
2:00PM: I'm going to save the other half of this sandwich for later.
2:06PM: Time to finish that sandwich!
Doctor to patient: We accidentally amputated your penis.
Patient: WTF!!!
Doctor: Ma'am, you need to calm down.
A man ran home from work, pulled his wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed, and pulled the blankets over them.
She was shocked. He hadn't been like this for years.
Then her husband said, "LOOK! My new watch glows in the dark!"
A pastor giving a children's sermon on vestments asked, "Why do you think I wear this collar?"
One kid answered: "Because it kills ticks and fleas for 30 days?"
Batgirl: Robin, what's your real name.
Robin: Dick. It's short for Richard.
Batgirl: I always wondered, how does one get Dick from Richard?
Robin: Just ask nicely.
An apology to my wife...
I'm sorry.
The kids were playing some sort of cowboy game.
The five-year-old kept yelling 'Yippee Ki Yay'!
I didn't think.
Instinctively, I finished the phrase.
And now the kids know a new word.
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