Gym Times Two

 Ava and I saw each other Tuesday and Wednesday. Tuesday, we went to her gym and dinner. She has a membership to Lifetime fitness that allows her to bring a plus one. It is a nice perk. She is not comfortable with her body, but I have no complaints when I see her stretched out naked on the bed. Ava wants to get in better shape for summer, but she isn't putting effort into it. I know the commitment it takes to make changes, and she is striving for the figure of a model. She says she has never been happy with her level of fitness. Ava even worked at the gym for a while. I think her goals are more a mental issue than a physical need.

We went to a sushi place after the gym. Sushi is my least favorite food, but I did find something I didn't hate. I want to be more open to new things, but Tuesday, I was still moody from the events at the Hub. I was not the best company. After dinner, I took her home. It is nice that she likes doing things together outside of our arrangement, but I still find her odd.

Here is a couple of examples. Wednesday, we went back to the gym. Because I am a guest, I try to tailor my workout to the time she wants to spend there. She goes in her own direction. I see her on the treadmill, and then she disappears. I don't see her using the machines. Something she will need to start doing for the figure she wants. 

We agreed to an hour. While I was still on my second round of the treadmill, I got a text from Ava.

Ava: Hey, just left. Are you almost ready too? Haven't started the drive north yet.

Bathwater: You left?

Ava Yep. We said an hour.

Bathwater: I can change now.

Ava: I rushed for you because I thought you would be waiting for me. I am meeting you at your place to shower and then figure out dinner.

Is it just me, or does that seem weird? We met at the gym. Why wouldn't she say she is changing and leave together?

When we got back to my place, we showered separately. She showered in the spare bedroom where the Lego table was set up. I have been putting a lot of work into my project, and I was excited to show it off. While she did mention it was coming along, Ava didn't show much interest in the details. Maybe you need to be a Lego enthusiast to appreciate the details of such a large display. I am proud of the display. I was hoping she would appreciate it more.

Later, while we ate. I apologized for being moody Tuesday. I wanted to explain, but she didn't ask, and I dropped the subject. Ava has a lot of her father in her. Something she would probably hate hearing, but I see it in the lack of connection she makes.

The bedroom never seems to be an issue. Ava is willing to try new things there, but it is more a sporting event than a passionate one, but good sex is good sex and not something to give up lightly. I am used to there being more intimacy involved in the act. I am not sure she is, though; I am not sure she is capable. So, I am left with accepting her for who she is and deciding if that is enough for me. I do know the bedroom lingers in my mind the next day, leaving me anticipating more.

Am I overthinking things? 

The Hub

 I have allowed my sleeping schedule and routine to lapse during the vacation. Yesterday, I went out for drinks with Jay, Alexis, and Sam.  It was the first time we were all together at once in ages.  Those three have been friends since middle school. I was the catalyst for getting us all together, but I tend to be out of place when they discuss childhood friends and memories. I keep to myself and let them do the talking.

We went to the Hub bar, sat in a secluded corner, talked, ate, and drank for four hours. Jay made a comment concerning a girl sitting at a table across the room at one point. "Why does that girl seem so familiar?" 

I noticed the girl earlier but was not paying much attention to anyone outside of our circle. "I know," he continued, "she looks exactly like Billie-- her  facial structure, the way she walks."

I looked at the girl closer. Jay was correct. She was a lot like Billie, excepted with darker hair. After his comment, I found my gaze drifting back to the girl throughout the rest of the evening. Alexis noticed me texting and asked if I would be hooking up with Ava later. 

"No."

She was drunk by then and looking to stir things up. "I'm sure glad I don't have to pay for sex." 

I let her comment slide. There is a litany of her issues I could point out, but nothing I would have said would have been pleasant or constructive. I'm am hesitant to even bring them up here. I am comfortable, if not completely happy, with where I am. At least until a better alternative presents itself. Perhaps I will vent in a different post. 

I came home and tried to sleep, but it was still early, and I was restless. I got up around midnight, made some soup, and worked on the Lego project until 5:00 in the morning.

Shelby asked in the comments if I found Ava boring. She is less boring than an old man who sits around building Legos for hours. I miss the excitement I felt when I was with Billie. We seek out people who trigger our issues, not those good for us. The is why I found Firefly intriguing. She pushed all the right buttons. Ava doesn't trigger any of my buried traumas.

A Sneak Peek

 I picked Ava up Tuesday afternoon in Royal Oak. She is still very mysterious in some ways, but I am starting to understand a few of her motivations in other ways. We went to the Somerset Mall after I picked her up.  Ava wanted to exchange a jacket she bought for a smaller size, and I wanted to check out the pick-a-brick wall at the Lego store.

Ava found the size jacket she wanted, and we browsed a few other stores while we were there. The mall was not packed despite it being only a few days before Christmas, but stores were getting more crowded as afternoon turned to evening.

The pick-a-brick wall had disappointing choices. I ended up filling a small container with mostly dark green pieces. 

Ava's style is activewear casual. When I suggested a bohemian top, she commented that it was more her sister's style. I am beginning to think I would like this sister, but I don't go there. I feel there is a love/hate relationship between them. At least some envy or jealousy on Ava's side.

We picked up some food on the way back to the condo and cuddled up in bed to watch TV and have sex. I woke her in the morning, and we had another round of enthusiastic sex. The sleepover was nice, but I still feel like something is missing. Boring is the word that keeps coming to mind, and I don't know why. Ava is pretty. The sex is great. Still, I feel unfulfilled, and I cannot explain it.

We swung by her mother's lawyer's office to pick up a check before we went to see Matrix Ressurection. I was not impressed with the new Matrix movie. The story was pointless.  If I wrote I, I would have downplayed the video game aspect. I would have made the whole plot with Trinity a red herring and had her turn out to be a program, and in the end, I would have killed Neo in Io, with him figuring out that Io is part of the matrix and that he is no longer the one.  This would leave it open-ended for a sequel with new characters.

Sorry I have not been blogging much, but family, friends, and Legos have taken up my time. Here is a sneak peek at what I am building.  I am calling it Wolfpack Tower 2022.

The Gardens

Everyone makes pristine castles. My castle is going to be in ruins.

It is built in square sections (baseplates). Five areas are complete, and I am working on a sixth.

You need to expand it to see the details

A Christmas Carol

 I have started my winter vacation. It is two weeks without dealing with work. You would think I should look forward to retirement and an end to work, but I  think the time off means more when you are still working.  Besides, working allows me the freedom to enjoy Ava and vacations.

Saturday, Tinkerbell, Tech, T-Rex, and I went to see A Christmas Carol at Meadowbrook Theatre. The play has become a tradition with Tinkerbell and T-Rex, and we have seen it together several times. We went to a matinee. Everyone wore masks, but some people were eating during the performance. I find that to be poor manors. I give some leeway to children, but the parents were also digging into the crackling bag of snacks. So rude!

After, we at dinner at a fancy Italian Restaurant called Lellies. The food was delicious. I presented Tink with a Christmas Carol Lego for Christmas. I figured it would be a lovely keepsake of the tradition.

Last night I received a late text from Ava, but I was sleeping. 

Ava: You are not awake, are you?

Bathwater: (The next day) Sorry, I was sleeping. Everything okay?

Ava: I could use your help if you are up for it.

Bathwater: What seems to be the problem, little lady ;).

Ava: A ride to the train station--like now.

It seems the rideshare she ordered for the morning disappeared.  Ava is going to Kalamazoo for the night, but she hates driving. I was downstairs on my bike when she texted.

Bathwater: No problem, but I might be a little ripe. I was working out.

It was nice to see her again, if only briefly. She tries to fit too much into her schedule. It is part of what makes her Ava. 

In the Gladiator, on the way to the train station, I said, "At least it is good to know I didn't miss a late-night booty call."

"I can do that?"

"Of course you can!"

"Good to know."

She is planning to spend the night this Tuesday. A sleepover and then we will see the new Matrix movie on Wednesday afternoon. 

Pesto Pizza

Thursday, Ava came to the condo. She was running an hour late. That seems to be part of her persona, always running somewhere, always behind, but she devotes her attention to who she is with when she gets here. We went to the grocery store to pick up the ingredients to make individual pesto pizzas. Her's was vegan; mine was not so much. We also made spiced pumpkin balls for dessert.

It was fun cooking with her. She is slowly becoming comfortable here. Although Sienna (my cat) has not warmed up to her yet, she comes out while Ava is around, which is a step in the right direction.

We sat on the couch and watched videos while we ate. After, we stretched out together and got comfortable. I was lying behind Ava, gently running my fingers along the soft skin of her stomach. When my hand roamed upward, I discovered she was not wearing a bra beneath her heavy turquoise top. This is not something I would expect of her.

"You're not wearing a bra," I noted, pleased by the fact.

"I thought you might appreciate that."

"Oh, I do," I said while cupping her right breast in my hand and rolling the nipple between my fingers.

"I would never go out in public without a bra," she states.

Apparently, the grocery store doesn't count, but I didn't mention it. "You should. You have perfect breasts."

Ava does. They are a nice handful but firm. They do not need a bra.

"Thank you."

Ava turns toward me, so I have more access, and we kiss. It doesn't take long for her to get excited from my caresses. Ava starts rubbing her body against mine as my hand drifts into her pants. Before we get carried away, we move to the bedroom.

Once again, the sex is excellent. We continue to learn each other's likes and are comfortable just being present with each other. Ava's favorite position is face down with her ass propped up. She uses the wand vibrator on her clitoris while I enter her from behind. It is a beautiful sight and hard to resist. I am getting aroused just thinking about it as I write this.

As things wind down, we talk. Ava describes me as a ninja. You can tell I am in shape in clothes, but I am in stealth mode. Apparently, my attributes come out in the bedroom. Hey, a trophy is a trophy.

I really like this girl. She is not just all take. I am not used to this; she is not full of herself. If anything, she doesn't give herself enough credit. But, there is always a catch. This is a mutually beneficial arrangement; even though she does not stress the fact, I haven't forgotten that. Still, each encounter seems to top the last, and I look forward to each new date while wondering where this will go, if anywhere.

Perception

Firefly is out of jail and presumably back in rehab.  She was ordered to spend twenty-one days at Turning Point in Pontiac. I have not heard from her since she called me from jail. She will be spending Christmas and New Year in rehab, which is probably a good thing. Sounds like she is burning bridges as quickly as she builds them.

Ava is coming over Thursday night. We are going to buy some groceries and make dinner at the condo. It should be fun. I have one more adventure planned with her next week. It sounds like she will be out of town between the holidays.

My immediate boss has been working hard to keep me happy. He pushed for a substantial raise for me back in October and an increased Christmas bonus. He is starting to realize I am worth keeping around. He says it is because I have stepped up since the two people left, but I have not been doing anything different. It is only his perception that has changed.

"Perception is reality. If you are perceived to be something, you might as well be it because that's the truth in people's minds." Unknown

Closing the Door

I am self-aware. Firefly would say that I didn't understand her addiction, but that is not true. I am an addict in recovery. It's just that my drug of choice is a person. 

(Excerpt) It's Not Right
Originally Posted: July 10, 2012

 I can't explain my addiction to Billie. I try to write it off as only an attraction to the outside package, but that would be a lie, although I know every curve, every line, and flaw on the outside. There is also something within that draws me to her.
 
"Ever been close to someone, but miles apart? I've been there several times. You hold them tight as if you can force them closer until they whimper, and you realize you're hurting them. There's nothing that will span that distance." 

*     *     *

I wrote that ten years ago. I say I am in recovery, but every email, every text, every Firefly is just me chasing that high. I am in recovery, but once an addict, always an addict. It keeps me from getting close to someone.

And it won't matter now.
Whatever happens will be
Though the air speaks of all we'll never be
It won't trouble me
All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say...All I Want, Toad the Wet Sprocket 

Before I mentioned Billie, the psychic suggested I've been reclusive for the past couple of years. I have been. She told me I could be happy with someone like Ava, but I would always be looking for that missing passion-- that addiction (my words, not hers). 

Being in love is my addiction. Each time it happens, it is worse than before. The thought scares me, and so I avoid it. Sam says she has a good feeling about Ava. The psychic thinks I deserve to be happy. It's like telling an alcoholic, one drink won't kill you. I've said to Firefly there are many things in this world to experience. The only way to do that is to give up what you long for.

I am closing the door. Without fanfare. Without spoken truths. I have a weakness, but it doesn't make me weak, because I see it for what it is and I am not giving in.

Psychic Weekend

 This could get long. There is a lot to record from the weekend. 

Friday

Ava: 7:15 is great. (Time to pick her up)

Bathwater: Lol, you need to remove the word punctual from your resume, but you can keep enthusiastic and eager to learn.

I picked Ava up Friday at 7:15 and headed to Naughty Time Novelty. The parking lot was packed with cars, but Ava was relieved only a few people were in the shop, and most were at the Chinese restaurant next door. Ava reviewed all the items. She was interested in the corsets, which was not a surprise, and was drawn to a purple tail attached to a silver butt plug that was surprising.

We didn't buy either the tail or a corset, but they are on the list for a future date. I did buy Ava a tiny pocket vibrator that could be easily mistaken for a Blistex lip blam and an imposing purple wand for us to experiment with later. The purple wand turned out to be cumbersome, and I am still waiting for a report on how the other performs.

We ordered dinner and took it back to the condo. Ava snuck a vegan chocolate-covered ice cream treat before her meal. She bought them the first night we had dinner and sneaks a few every time she is over, and I think they are an indulgence she cannot keep at home.

After dinner, we headed upstairs. Good sex seems to be another of Ava's indulgences, and we align there. Ava is undoubtedly good for my ego. She claims I am the best she has had; wearing a condom allows me to keep up with her stamina. 

"I feel like I just ran a marathon," I remark after, while we lay together with her resting her head on my chest.

"At least you won."

"I'm not sure it counts if I am the only participant."

"Hey, a trophy is a trophy," she insists, and we both break out in laughter.

Saturday

Sam and I left the next afternoon for our psychic appointment in Holly at noon. The winds were brutal and wrestled against them to keep the Gladiator in its lane the entire forty-minute drive.  There was an event going on in the small downtown, but we avoided it, parked outside of resale shop where the psychic saw customers in the upstairs and found a local bar to grab a quick meal before our readings.

The warm temperatures we expected disappeared in Holly, and we were woefully underdressed for the short walk from the bar to the resale shop. Sam took the first appointment. She seemed more eager than I. While she was with the psychic, I wandered the store. It was filled with handmade knickknacks and antiques. A few items I found interesting, but I didn't purchase anything.

The psychic is a pleasant woman in her early thirties. I felt my reading was more common sense than spiritual insight. Sam felt less skeptical about her own. The psychic did not hit me with anything shocking or unexplainable. She was definitely not as spooky as Donna, the previous psychic I have seen.

In summary, she said I needed to put Billie in the past, but who doesn't say that (I have more to say about that in a future post).  She said I had three choices when it came to Ava. I could allow things to remain the same. She calls this the safe and boring route. The psychic said Ava would be okay with that, and she is waiting to see what I will do. My second choice is to push Ava's boundaries and forge a stronger connection, but it will never be an all-consuming love like I had with Billie. My third choice is someone I have not met yet, named Kelley or Kylie.  She described this person and said it could be a more passionate love, but I would have to work for it (I will expound upon all this more in a follow-up).

Saturday Night

Saturday was a long day. After our trip to Holly, I dropped Sam off and returned home. I had thirty minutes to prepare for another forty-minute drive and my obligatory company Christmas party.  The party was an agonizing four hours of loud voices and awkward conversations.

I haven't enjoyed the Christmas party since Billie and I broke up. For some reason, it was more of an affair, more enjoyable with her by my side. I have never related well with my peers. I am an outsider by nature and do not make any effort to fit. Going to the psychic and then the party left me emotionally drained. 

Thoughts

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable
But in the end, it's right
I hope you had the time of your life...Good Riddance, Green Day

 I feel like my post-divorce years were my best. Perhaps because they are the best recorded and most vividly remembered. I cannot imagine changing anything that occurred without affecting the outcome negatively.  This cannot be said about the time before the divorce. Professionally, I became the worker I am today in my early adult years, but I do not want anyone to define me by any accomplishments in my career. 

Over dinner, my friend Sam compared our friend Jay and me this way. "You work to live," she commented. "Jay lives to work."  This is a fair statement. When I am gone, I hope people remember how I made a difference in their lives, not what I did as a career.

The year is ending and I cannot wait for a long holiday break.  My last workday is the seventeenth. I have been counting down the days for over a week now.  I have been slowly expanding my Lego tower (pictures to come). It now has a bridge. I have decided how the water will follow and what I would like to do with the rest of the 2 x 2  area.  I just need the time to do it.

A Text Conversation

 Bathwater: I have to wait a week to see you. I'm sure my text will digress to dirty gifs by then.

Ava: Lol, my Friday just opened up. So if you are free, we can make plans.

Bathwater: I think the idea of my sending you dirty gifs has got your mind wanting to see me, so you cleared your schedule.

Ava: Hahaha. My schedule has been clearing itself. 

Bathwater: We can go to the adult store this Friday, seeing how you can't get your mind off it.

Ava: Haha, sounds great. Pick me up at 7? 

Ava: 6:30 is a possibility, and I can let you know closer to 6 that day when I have a better idea.

Bathwater: Hmmm, so mysterious...see you Friday.

Violet

I think it is time to describe this girl in more detail. Ava is twenty-nine, and we met on the website Seeking Arrangements. She is slim, with pale skin and delicate slender fingers. Ava's dark brown hair is one length and long. She likes to wear it down. I don't recall ever seeing her in a ponytail.  She wears dark-framed cat-eye-shaped glasses. She likes photos of herself smiling, but I am drawn to her face in repose.

She is a first-generation Croatian and is bilingual, but there is no hint of an accent you can place. She lives with her parents and spends a lot of time helping her mother, who has disabilities from a car crash. She doesn't like her father. He sounds very harsh and old school. She says she remains at home out of love for her mother.

Despite her age, I feel like Ava is inexperienced sexually and socially. She spends time with older men, but her friends sound like they are much younger than her. She is a hustler and has worked several different jobs, mostly freelance. Ava is into a sustainable lifestyle, healthy foods, and body, but she battles a sweet tooth for dark chocolate that she tries to keep under strict control.

Ava says she is open and honest, yet I still have a hard time getting a feel for her. Firefly and Gymnast were both transparent in comparison. Ava is more elusive. I think it is because she is not comfortable being herself. I get this from comments she makes occasionally. I think I am a good listener, and I draw people out. She has said the phase, I don't usually, to me more than once.

Last Week's Violet Update

 Last week went by quickly.  The hours in the office crawl, but the underlying stress of the holiday season makes me feel as if I have too much to accomplish.  Last Tuesday, Ava and I went to a Gong Immersion season performed by an ex-coworker who retired and now concentrates on spiritual and new age interests. It was fun and meditative.

Friday, I took Ava to downtown Rochester. To see the lights and walk the town. People were out enjoying the season. The night air was cool but not unbearable. We have yet to get any significant snowfall, and temperatures are still getting into the forties. Ava did not seem overly interested in the experience, but she did not complain.

When we got back to my condo, we headed upstairs, where it seems our mutual interests lay. I asked Ava if she would like to try a vibrator. I pulled out a black wand-style vibrator I bought for Gymnast and showed her how it worked. Ava took to it enthusiastically. At one point, I wondered if I would get it out of her hand. She came twice with the vibrator, once while I was inside her and the second time while I used it on her.

I am still getting mixed signals from Ava.  My friend Sam thinks I am overthinking things. Ava is nesting at the condo. Each time she comes over, she leaves something behind. I don't mind. I am not seeing anyone else, so no one is asking questions about the lip balm with the hair ties wrapped around it sitting on the headboard or the extra toothbrush in the bathroom. Still, I would say that our arrangement is closer to the one I had with Gymnast than the one I had with Firefly.

I would like to see her more, but maybe it is too soon. Some parts of her life are still mysterious, and others are confusing.  I have no complaints concerning the time we do spend together. The sex is fantastic. Ava goes on forever, and I get tired before she indicates any desire to stop.

Sam and I are seeing a new psychic this Saturday, and she is supposed to be really good. Perhaps this one will be able to shed some light on Ava.

The Drama Continues

Firefly wrecked her car Thanksgiving Evening.  She rear-ended another car. She managed to drive it to her parent's house, but now it will not start. The damage will cost more than the car is worth. She has moved out of her house and in with a new guy she barely knows.  This guy doesn't have a car, lives with his mother, and is from the NA meetings. She will never learn.

She thinks they will be moving into their own place by the end of the year.  Something tells me that will not happen. I am just sitting back and watching. 

On the plus side, she has been drug testing 3 or 4 times a week (I wonder how long it will be before she gets caught with alcohol in her system), and she still has her job at the restaurant. Not sure how she will get to it, though.

Movie Night

I picked Ava up Friday at 4:00 pm.  We decided it was too cold to see the light display downtown Rochester and saved that for next Friday. Instead, we picked up food on the way and headed back to the condo. We made chocolate chip cookies from a frozen batch we picked up weeks ago and cuddled up on the couch. 

I changed into a pair of sweatpants and offered Ava a pair of comfortable lounge pants of mine she could change into. Ava loved the first Deadpool movie but had not seen the second, so we watched Deadpool Two. I sat up during the movie. Ava placed a square pillow in my lap, rested her head on it, and stretched out before me on the couch. I rubbed her back while we watched the movie, and we ate a few of the cookies.

After the movie, we headed upstairs. Ava is getting comfortable here. She warms up slowly and doesn't take things for granted. The sex is very satisfying for both of us. It is never rushed. We are both giving people and are attentive to the other's needs. 

During our pillow talk, I mentioned that I felt Ava holds back part of herself. She admitted it was true but blamed it on her childhood and upbringing rather than our arrangement. Ava controls her health and what she eats because she feels she cannot afford to be sick. She doesn't allow herself to indulge in what pleases her.

I still find her different, but not in a way that makes me want to stop seeing her. She is free of the drama which usually surrounds the girls I get in evolved with.  That alone makes her worth keeping around.

Lego Weekend

 Firefly went from the medical hospital to the mental hospital. She stayed for a week but checked herself out of the rehab unit on Monday. She has been pretty quiet since.  She ignored my text suggesting we should get a pizza. She did tell me she never received her next Naltrexone shot. Firefly says she is "all smiles" on social media, but we all know social media is anything but an actual mirror. 

Believe
That life can change
That you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same. We're different
Tonight... Tonight Tonight, Smashing Pumpkins

Yesterday, Max came over.  The twins stayed at their mom's house. I made a chicken and noodle dish with biscuits. Max had turkey the day before, so I figured he would not want it again. We watched Edge of Tomorrow (my favorite Tom Cruise movie) and took apart a Lego haunted house I wanted to store. It has been played with and on display for ten years. The rest of the evening, I sorted the pieces and checked the parts against the inventory. Several of the parts were not with the set.

The temperature dropped overnight. Ava and I are supposed to go to Rochester to see the light display downtown. I may suggest we wait until next weekend.  It should be 10 to 15 degrees warmer.  I don't think she minds getting food and staying inside when it is cold.

Lego Spree

 The holiday season is often an excuse for the purchase of Legos. I have bought a Harry Potter set for 50% off and three 1500 piece generic bulk sets that were also 50% off from Walmart.  The bulk sets are a great deal.  Less than 2 cents a brick. This is the way Lego enthusiasts calculate the economics of a set. 

I also bought Minifigures (knights) and specific bricks (mostly small round dots) from resellers. It is easier to buy these from resalers in bulk in the colors I want for my recent build. My collection may be excessive, but I figure if it makes me happy, it is no different than a boat, a vacation house, or other adult toys. It is also less expensive and maintains some of its value.

Tower Update

 This weekend I worked on my Lego tower. I started by rebuilding the tower to improve the structure's strength and reduce the number of pieces. I removed fifty to seventy-five pieces while keeping it the same height-- I think. 

I closed the gap in the large windows, added red flowers to the ivy, and figured out a way to quickly attach the top to the base (after I dropped the top and had to rebuild that). I created an island base to mount the structure on, and now I will work on a bridge going from the island to the mainland. 

These pictures were taken before I implemented the new system for mounting the top to the base. You can see it is tilted in one image.  That doesn't happen anymore. A rectangle in the bottom fits into a slot in the top.

Slow progress, but my typical building style involves several rebuilds until I am satisfied

Stay

 This seemed like a long week on repeat. So much so, Wednesday morning, I searched the house and garage for my Yeti coffee cup. I was positive that I brought it home the night before, like always. I had an image of walking in with it in my mind, but it was nowhere to be found. When I got to work, it was sitting on my desk. Wake up, work, repeat.

Back in the summer, I told Max he should start looking for a new car to replace his 1998 Dodge Dakota. The truck is beginning to show its age. The engine still runs well, but the body is falling apart. After procrastinating for months, his breakup has motivated him to find something newer. I offered to buy him a decent car, so he wouldn't need to worry about a car payment. Yesterday he found a reasonable Chevy Cruze on Carvana, and I picked it up for him. Now, he needs to sell his truck to recoup some of my cost, and I need to transfer the new vehicle into his name once it arrives.

Ava came over Friday night. We went to eat at a fast-food restaurant that specializes in fresh, healthy food. It was actually delicious. The girl tries to maintain a very healthy lifestyle, right down to her wood handle toothbrush and fluoride-free toothpaste she left behind. My initial instinct is to laugh at these extreme differences, but I think I should start embracing some of these ideas instead of resisting them. It doesn't hurt to be environmentally friendly when the choice doesn't adversely affect me.

She led me upstairs once we returned home. I am unsure if she was anxious to get under the covers or on a timetable. 

"I want you inside me," she tells me once I roll over on top of her and remove her clothing. 

I pause from kissing her firm breast. "It would be easier for me to take you seriously if you text me saying you cannot wait for me to bend you over the bed again instead of calling it fun time."

"That isn't me. I'd be worried about how you'd take it."

"Well, my ego would appreciate it-- if that is what you are thinking," I reply. "Perhaps I am too easy and need to make you beg more."

"Now that I know, I text you. Heck, I'll send a video saying it."

Ava doesn't beg. I am already hard and ready to go. What the sex lacks in passion, she makes up for in enthusiasm. The girl wears me out, but she is more than willing to do her fair share of the work. She doesn't seem rushed when we are having sex. I am sweating by the time I climax.

She seems to enjoy the sex as much as I do. Still, something is missing. It is not love. I am not looking for that with her. The only word I find that describes it is passion. Ava seems to thrive through controlling herself and her environment. She holds back and is afraid to lose control over the person she portrays to the world.

Perhaps, this is all I can except from Ava in this type of arrangement. I am just not sure, but I tend to trust my instincts. Either way, I am looking forward to exploring it further next time we meet. 

This morning I woke from a bad dream about Billie. A rehashing of the past that left me maudlin and slow to rise. A subconscious search for this missing passion in the form of a dream.

Billie enters my thoughts less often, but she is always present in the recesses of my mind. Sometimes I wonder if it is the same for her or if she has forgotten me. Does my name appear in her head each time a silver and black Jeep passes her on the road the way it does for me when I see a silver Ford Focus?

Always one foot in the past.

And you say

I only hear what I want to
I don't listen hard
I don't pay attention
To the distance
That you're running or to
Anyone anywhere
I don't understand if you really care
I'm only hearing negative, no no no, bad

So I, I turned the radio on,
I turned the radio up
And this woman was singing my song
Lovers in love and the other's run away
Lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay
And some of us hover when we weep
For the other who was dying

Since the day they were born...Stay (I Miss You), Lisa Loeb

Airport Run

 I picked up Ava from the Detroit Metro Airport Monday afternoon. She was on a spiritual retreat in Jacksonville, Florida, for her birthday. Her plane was on time, and we headed off toward the freeway.  Ava asked if I could stop at a juice bar on the way home.

"Actually, I thought we could eat at Fishbones downtown. They have sushi, and I could go for some jambalaya," I said.

"That sounds even better."

"Good, it's already plugged into the GPS."

It was a twenty-minute ride downtown. We parked in the Greektown Casino parking garage and walked the two blocks to Fishbones. This was Ava's first time at Fishbones. She gives off the impression she gets out a lot, but I don't think that is the case in reality. I think she cannot afford to do much traveling and only gets the opportunity through relationships.

I am still trying it figure Ava out. I like talking with her. We have several things in common. She is reserved, and her abusive relationship with her father has driven her to maintain a very healthy lifestyle. I think it stems from a need to control some aspect of her life.

She sends texts like: "Thinking of you. Sending you good vibes & looking forward to our 6 pm dinner & playtime this Friday!"

It is hard for me to take someone who says "fun time" instead of sex as being genuine. I'd be more comfortable if Ava said, looking forward to you bending me over the bed again, but perhaps that is just my ego talking.

I'm debating taking her to Key West for New Year. Not sure if she would be interested or if I'd rather wait until March when the prices are more reasonable.

Weekends

 Max came over Saturday. He is buying new clothes, working out, and hanging out with friends.  All the things that can be neglected when we are in a long-term relationship. It is good to see. I hope he can sustain his positive attitude through the holidays. It seems like he is starting to realize her agenda and his did not align.

Sunday, it snowed-- big wet flakes that did not stick to the ground and threaten to turn into rain at any point. I ventured out early and did some grocery shopping and used my 30% off coupon at Khols. I spent the rest of the day sorting through Lego and separating the pieces for some of the older sets I'd like to keep together with box and instructions.

Firefly went quiet Saturday afternoon. She was being transferred to a mental hospital near the condo. So I am assuming that is where she is at. She said it would be for three days, but I hope they keep her there for at least a week.  The more time she seems to spend in a controlled environment, the better.

I am looking forward to the upcoming time off. Next week I have a four-day weekend. After that, there are only fifteen or sixteen more working days in the year. It is not the holidays I am excited about.

I am looking forward to the time off and being able to indulge in my own activities. Perhaps I am closer to retiring than I think.

Thoughts and a Conversation with Firefly

 A few months back, I added using the weight machines to my lunchtime workout routine. Not much, just my arms and torso. We don't have anything for working out the legs in our little work gym except stationary bikes, a treadmill, and ellipticals.

I usually hate going to the gym, but I do like the results. Ava didn't mind them either. They do improve my mood and my attitude about myself.

*     *     *

I chatted with Firefly over text today. She has not used opioids. However, she has been drinking, and apparently, getting drunk and taking all her Seroquel landed her in the hospital. She says she doesn't remember why she did it. If I had to guess, I would say it involves a boy.

Bathwater: When you get out, don't be a stranger. You can always reach out and say, "Hi, I'm doing good" or "Hi, I am not doing good today; buy me a pizza."

Firefly: I think I can do that.

This is the way I'd like it. I'd like to keep her at arm's length, but I want her to realize she has a friend and ally.

Bathwater: I will always remember our road trip together, fondly. It may be a once-in-a-lifetime trip for me. I hope you do too.

Firefly: I dooo.

Bathwater: Slow your roll, Shortcake, and reach out to positive people when temptation or depression get too much.

Firefly: Yeah, idk what happened.

Bathwater: Alcohol, drugs, relationships-- they mess with your head. You are too fragile for that right now.

Firefly: Yeah, I noticed.

Mixed Bag

I have been trying to post more often.  Here is a mixed bag of items too short for individual posts.

At lunch, I usually go to the office gym. It is a small area packed with one treadmill, several ellipticals, a couple of exercise bikes, and two weight machines. Yesterday, on the way to the gym, I ran into Popstar and a few others in the lunchroom. This is the first time I have seen Popstar since she ignored my text.

The group was talking, so I paused and entered the conversation. One woman was retiring. She has been commuting a long distance for the last six months as she transitions into retirement. Popstar made the following comment to the retiring coworker concerning the commute. "Heck, you could stay with me (instead of making the drive). I'm bored."

I didn't comment. If the year wasn't 2021 and this wasn't a conversation at work, I might have said. Bored? Then maybe you should have taken me up on my offer for dinner. Instead, I just headed to the gym.

*    *    *

Firefly is awake. Her mother says there was no permanent damage. I have not heard directly from Firefly. Because of Covid, visiting patients is limited to one family member each day. I called the gift shop and arranged for them to send a stuffed animal to her room.

The pleasant-sounding giftshop volunteer relayed the animals they had available. I chose a zebra from those.  On the card, I had her put the following, "Zebras cannot change their stripes, but you can Cuddledud." 

I informed the woman there was no need to add my name. Firefly would know who it was from. I have been second-guessing the note. Does it sound harsh?  Get well soon or glad you are alive-- didn't seem appropriate.

*    *    *

Ava is on a spiritual retreat in Jacksonville, Florida, for her birthday, which is Friday. I think it is a "working" retreat. She returns Monday. I offered to pick her up from the airport. Maybe we will get something to eat on the way home. All part of blurring the lines.

Blurred Lines

 Yesterday, I was feeling stressed.  A computer virus was making its way through our system at work, causing issues. People still get caught by email fishing. My thoughts kept drifting to Firefly in a coma at the hospital and everything that could happen. I feel sorrow for her parents.

I rushed home through ongoing construction. I had plans with Ava, and I needed to take a shower. Two miles from my condo, I received a text from Max.

Max: When will you be home?

Bathwater: In about five minutes.

I knew his question meant he was probably over. I wanted to be supportive and commiserate with him over his breakup, but I had less than an hour to shower and tidy up the place. Max took down the pictures of him and his girlfriend I had on display. He threw out one, and I put away the other.  The latter was a picture of Max, his girlfriend, Billie, and me. 

I told Max I had a date coming over. He asked me how old she was. "Twenty-nine," I said.

"What happened to the forty-year-old?"

"She baled on me."

Max didn't stay long, but he promised to come back this weekend. He seems to be taking the breakup well. Maybe too well. I don't want him shunning girls entirely. 

Ava called me while I was taking out the trash and said she was picking up pizzas from a nearby place on the way and needed to know what topping I wanted. How can you dislike a girl who brings you a pizza and fucks you for an hour after? But I am jumping ahead.

Ava showed up right on time wearing black leggings and a black floral blouse.  She had her long dark hair pulled back in a ponytail. We sat on the couch in the living room and talked while we ate. She opened more about her family. She is not close to her father, yet she still lives at home because she is close to her mother, who is on disability due to a car accident.

I paused our conversation to take a thirty-minute conference call upstairs in the loft. Ava watched videos while she waited. When I returned, we talked a bit more.

"You are not going to be shy with me tonight, are you?" I asked before I led her upstairs. "In your head, you should be thinking, fuck this guy, he is twice my age. He is lucky to be having sex with me."

Ava laughed. "I am not like that."

We got undressed and under the covers. I rolled on top of Ava, and we continued our banter while we kissed, and I explored her neck and torso with my mouth.

Somehow we got on the topic of masturbating. Ava said she rarely does.

"Don't you get horny?" I asked.

"I get horny all the time."

"What do you do if you are not with a guy?"

Ava patted my arm gently and looked at me as if I were naive. "There is always a guy available."

"I think I just shrank two inches. I forgot you are a woman. Of course, a guy is always available." 

We both laughed, and it broke the tension, but I needed a little attention after the blow to my ego. I asked if she would go down on me. She did, though she admitted later it is something she doesn't usually do. It is a phrase she used a couple of times during the evening.

I became hard quickly and entered her missionary, but we promptly progressed into a series of different positions. Sex is a vice she does indulge in. We continued for what seemed like an hour. She was not in a hurry for me to finish. We finished with her bent over the side of the bed. As I slowed my pace, I leaned down over her and whispered in her ear. "Now you are beginning to understand why I don't date women my own age."

"Heck, I feel like the cougar!" She replied. If nothing else, these girls are good for the ego. Though, despite what it might sound like here, I try not to take it too seriously.

I laid back on the bed. Ava pulled up the covers and rested her head on my chest. She describes herself as polyamorous. "I believe you can be in love with more than one person," she tells me. That sounds like a person with commitment issues to me. 

"I am not looking for anyone to be in love with me. In lust would be nice."

Early on, I told her I was looking to see someone about three times a month. Ava offers up just hanging out one night on the off week. Blurred lines. 

"We can do that. As long as we understand each other," I tell her. "It sounds like you need a safe place to hang out, and I don't mind the company." 

Ava feels her home is toxic because of her father. Se arrived at six with two personal pizzas in hand and left around ten-thirty. How can I complain? Things might get interesting here.

Firefly

 I feel sorry for the younger generations who will be immersed in the sanitized world of the Metaverse.  The real world is messy; it is physical, painful, and raw.

I received two texts from Firefly's mother today. Firefly overdosed, and she is in a coma of sorts. She has been sleeping since Sunday at 5:30 a.m. I am not a religious man, but I hope she wakes.

The Date

I washed the truck and ran some errands Sunday. The extra hour provided by daylight savings time gave me plenty of time. I decide on a blue button-down shirt, jeans, black ankle-length boots, and a black jacket for my date. I was going to wear a lightweight trench coat, but it looked too formal. I love trench coats. There is nothing cooler than a long jacket. That is why they are used in movies and TV. 

Ava texted me about an hour before the date and said not to rush, but she would be arriving early. I asked her what her ETA was and told her I could work with that. The night was warm for November. We arrived at the same time, and I gave her a quick hug in the parking lot.

Ava wore a dark pink winter jacket, an off-white long sleeve knit sweater, and jeans. The hostess sat us right away. The restaurant was crowded, but there were no lines of people waiting. It was loud inside. My ear was not bothering me that night, but I worry I will have trouble hearing in such environments anymore.

For the record, Tinkerbell was wrong. Ava is not in her thirties. She is turning twenty-nine next week. She showed me her license after I revealed my own age. My age didn't phase her. If anything, she seemed surprised I was older. 

The conversation flowed during dinner. I haven't figured Ava out yet, but she is not the typical girl I am attracted to.  She is a lot like me in the way she treats others. She is thoughtful and not afraid to take charge and make plans. This makes me anxious. It takes me out of my comfort zone-- the familiar. 

Ava watches what she eats closely. I am guessing, but I wouldn't be surprised to find out she struggled with her weight when she was younger. She is self-conscious about her looks and her body, yet she is a pretty girl.

After dinner, she suggested we drive to the grocery store across the street, pick up something for dessert and head back to my place. Which is precisely what we did. When we got back to my condo, I gave her the tour. Then, we sat downstairs and continued talking. 

At some point, Ava suggested that we grab some water and head upstairs. She undressed and got under the covers before I arrived. This is where I get the feeling Ava is uneasy about her appearance. She preferred the lights dim. In my experience, the younger girls are more willing to have sex right away. The Gymnast and Firefly were driven by the desire for quick money. Ava seems more like Bunny, who wanted to establish a connection before intimacy. 

Pick-up artists say it takes around seven hours over the course of two or three dates for a woman to feel comfortable sleeping with a man.  Ava would have had sex with me Sunday, but I felt there was still a level of comfort missing.  I told her we didn't need to have sex. We did some petting, kissing and got comfortable being around each other. 

I am struggling with Ava.  She does not trigger my savior complex. Yes, that is a good thing. It is just foreign territory for me. I am determined to let it play out and give it a chance. She has a week-long trip to Florida planned for her birthday. She leaves on Wednesday. She wants to come over Tuesday before she goes-- for "dinner, dessert, and fun." She has already offered to pick up dinner on the way.

Breaks

Friday, after work, Max came over, and we worked on tightening the negative battery cable in his truck. We loosened it about a week ago when he was having battery issues.  Turns out his battery is fine, but the battery cable didn't tighten very well. The screw and nut were rusted, and we ended up cutting them off and replacing them.

Saturday, I helped Sam move some of her belongings stored at her dad's house to her condo. After, I did more sorting and organizing of the old Lego sets.  I still don't know if I will be selling any, but it is nice to know what I have.

Max texted me Sunday afternoon to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend. She did it over text. She said the relationship felt more like friends. I suggested that there might be some other dude in the picture. I knew he was upset. He doesn't often text me about his personal life unless it is bothering him.

I think this is a good thing in the long run. She was his first girlfriend, and they were together for several years. She was pushing for him to get more serious. She wanted to move out together. Max is not ready for that, and I thought that would be a bad idea. He is a good liking guy. He will find someone else.

The Debate

There is some debate on weather Ava is actually twenty-six. Tinkerbell thinks she is older.

Tinkerbell: She looks thirty-two. Look at the teeth, they are middle aged lady teeth.

I am not sure what middle age lady teeth are supposed to look like. 

Tinkerbell: Also her hair is not the style of a 26 year old. It is of someone who was born in the late 90s that learned to style their hair in 2005 in high school.

In other words, someone like Tink, I am thinking, but didn't bother saying.

It doesn't matter. I say I am fifty-one on the site. Ava is cute, and talks more like a twenty-six year old than a thirty-two year old. Besides, I think the older the better. Ava has been keeping in touch. Sending the occasional text or Snap.

Instictively, I makes me suspicious when the woman show this kind of effort. I am left guessing their motivations. I am ignoring this instinct and letting things unfold because familiar, is not always good for us.

Violet

 Last night I changed to a grey long sleeve pullover and jeans before leaving work. My coffee date was only thirty minutes away, so I gave myself forty-five minutes. I figured I could fill the gas tank along the way, which I did. Thirty minutes turned into, oh shit, I am rushing to be on time. Undocumented road closures and construction slowed my drive. Whatever happened to not using Google and just knowing how to get somewhere? The route I would have chosen was the one I finally took.

I made it to the Starbucks a few minutes before Ava. This is her chosen name, not her real name. I like it, and I think we will just go with that. I ordered a frappuccino, and Ava entered before my drink was complete. I purchased her a drink, and we sat at a table close to the front. 

We were the only customers in the store for the one and a half hours we talked. Initially, I took my jacket off, but the store was cold, and I put it back on.  Ava never attempted to remove her coat or knit hat. 

Ava says she is twenty-six. She is cute with shoulder-length brown hair and wears cats-eye shaped dark glasses. Ava's profile indicated she likes to be active in several things I enjoy, such as yoga, kayaking, and hiking. I only wish I could start one of these arrangements in the Spring and not when winter starts!

Ava seems very tech-savvy. I like that. I feel like I need to learn more about new technologies. She reminds me a bit of the Gymnast. It would be nice if she were as enthusiastic in bed, but unlike the Gymnast or Firefly, Ava shuns vices such as drinking, drugs, and even gambling. She is vegan and holistic. I will be the one with the more unhealthy lifestyle.

We talked for an hour and a half. I was more talkative than Ava, but I apologized for my rambling. We seemed to hit it off and came to an understanding. Ava offered up getting together Sunday for dinner. I asked if she had any suggestions on restaurants. I didn't have any ideas that would suit her diet. That is something I will need to get used to. 

Later, after I returned home, I texted her.

Bathwater: It was nice meeting you. You are very pretty. I hope I didn't talk your ear off.

Ava: It was nice meeting you too & aww, thank you so much! Nope, not at all. I like that you are talkative.

Ava: I just made our reservations for 7 pm at J Baldwins on Sunday.

Bathwater: Wow, you are proactive. Sounds good. I am looking forward to it.

We exchanged a few more texts before I fell asleep. I like that Ava is not afraid to assert herself. I am not sure how much of her interest is real and what is contrived, but I am sure I will figure that out in time. It might be fun finding out.

Having someone to hang out with during this time of year is never wrong. I don't like the holidays. They stress me out. I won't be going on any road trips over Christmas this year, but maybe I can still arrange for a quick getaway.

Halloween

This is short and feels incomplete.

This weekend, I worked on creating a spreadsheet of all the Lego sets I have collected.  Sunday, Tinkerbell and Tech dropped T-Rex off at his girlfriend’s house for Halloween and then came over. They had several hours to kill, so they spent some time at my condo before we went out for a drink and dinner.

Tinkerbell moaned the whole time.  Her back was bothering her, and she didn’t want to be on the other side of town on a Sunday evening. It didn’t seem like Halloween this year. I saw few costumes. Maybe I should have gotten out more, but I was comfortable being at home.

I am still dealing with many confusing thoughts and conflicting feelings concerning who I am and what I want.

“Kill the beta before it kills you.”--Rollo Tomassi.

I have another coffee date tonight. This one is for a mutually beneficial arrangement. She has not canceled-- yet. I am still working myself up for this one. 

Taking Inventory

 I decide not to go out Friday or Saturday. Instead, I have been taking inventory of my unopen Lego sets. I have about 100 unopened Lego sets, big and small.  These sets go back to as far as 1992.  Over the years, I have sold some of my collection for a profit using Bricklinks.

Before I took inventory, I felt like it was time to sell some more. Now, I am not too sure.  Some are newer and will not make it worthwhile at this time.  

Lego only makes a set for a few years before it is retired for those who don't know.  Most are never remade. In the case of popular themes like Star Wars and Harry Potter, the issue new sets similar, but not the same as the old. These more recent sets are often made with smaller pieces or are not as good as the old ones.

It is a pretty safe investment to hold on to a popular Lego set for years and watch as it increases in value. Currently, I have an unopened set I bought for $6 back in 1992 that is worth an easy $200. Sadly, I used to have at least 2 more that I've opened long ago.

Even the original boxes and instructions can be worth big money for popular sets. I have two empty boxes from the late 1990s that are worth $75 apiece.  I will find the original pieces and instructions for these two sets and sell them as used sets. Each could sell for $400 used.

I was concerned it was much more. I have about $1600 invested in unopened Lego sets. Selling a fraction of them would recoup my investment in the toys.  I estimate the collection is worth 4 times that. Sure, some are harder to sell than others, but even an unpopular set will hold some value. Lego pieces are only getting more expensive to make.

Of course, this does not consider the vast number of opened sets and pieces around the house. I think I will be putting away a couple of those that have tripled or more in value used.

Riddle Me This

 Work encouraged us to dress up for Halloween. At first, I wasn't going to participate, but I dusted off my Riddler costume. I have about four different outfits stored.  All of them I had a hand in making.

The mask does nothing for me. It makes me look old. I think I have hit the wall.

What Did I Miss?

I have two hours before my 8:00 pm conference call with team members in China and Japan.  This call is one of three this week. I declined a fourth. It is cold out. Usually, by now, I would be curled up in bed with dinner and TV.  

I am disappointed by the late cancellation of a coffee date. She unmatched me a few hours later. Perhaps she did get cold feet. You never can tell what is on another person's mind. Sometimes I wish life had simple answers. They spoon-feed us the idea that you find your soulmate and live happily ever after. My parents may not have lived happily ever after, but they stayed together till death.

My reality has been more complicated than that. I am glad my marriage ended. It was a blessing for me. It was tragic for my boys, which makes me sad, but I played my part faithfully. Still, that path is so ingrained in my head that I cannot help feeling like I have done something wrong.

(Up) Date

 "Ugh!  Sorry about this! We just had a meeting at work, and I won't be done with work in time to meet. Raincheck?"

Despite confirming last night, I received the above message this afternoon. I responded politely that I understood and offered up an alternative date. I have to say, it doesn't look as promising. It will be up to her to suggest a new meeting time from here.

Dating is hard.  You have to maximize your opportunities because things like this happen. It is a lot of work. Few women peak my excitement enough to want to put in the effort. 

Dune

 Saturday, Max talked me into going to see the new Dune movie. I cannot remember the last time I was in a theatre. I read the books when I was Max's age. I don't remember much of the plot. The movie was better than the original Dune, but I still think it was slow and would have made a better Amazon Prime series.  

Max thinks it would be too expensive to be a TV series. I disagree. There is a lot of lore that needs to be explained.  This could stretch out the movie to a TV show without increasing the budget. It was better than the original Dune. Primarily because we have computer graphics today.

Sunday, I received both my COVID booster and the flu shot. I feel achy and sore today, but nothing terribly out of the ordinary. I was supposed to go out with Jay and Alexis this evening. However, I have a meeting with China and Japan.  I have meetings three nights this week. These need to wrap up. I don't mind one a week, but three cuts into my ability to do things at night.

Atomic Coffee

 I have a coffee date Tuesday evening. A few of you probably think I am rushing into things, but I feel like I was sitting back waiting to see how Firefly worked out. I have been on Bubble, swiping right on 90% of the images. I started a short conversation with a woman a year younger than me, but I was not interested and unmatched myself. There was no use putting any effort into something I felt in interest toward. 

That is when I matched with a second woman. Dating apps are geared toward the woman. I don't expect much success on a Tinder, Bubble, or Plenty of Fish.  Some would say it is because I am too picky or don't put in the effort. This could be true. I feel like you don't put your time into something that provides you diminished return.

Back to the second woman, Her opening line was a ridiculous sock puppet gif. That made me laugh and sparked my engagement. She mentioned she likes to watch weird movies in her bio. I asked her what the weirdest movie she watched lately was, and I said that a film I find funny and quirky is "What We Do In The Shadows."

She responded she was hoping to watch season three this weekend.  I didn't know they made a TV show based on the movie.  This was when I upped my game and mentioned getting to know each other better over a phone call, zoom, or, god forbid, coffee.  She chooses coffee.

When I told my friend and his wife about the date, he said, "Good, now maybe you will start having a normal life."

"I do have a normal life."

Perhaps it isn't the cookie-cutter scenario we were fed as kids, a lifestyle he still clings to with a wife that takes care of him, but my life is not abnormal. There are no rules we must follow except those we make for ourselves.  Do more good than harm. That is my rule.

If I am doing something wrong, I must be pretty good at it. I have everything I need. Jay got bent out of shape when we the conversations turned to the economy.  He is certain that inflation is here to stay. I am not convinced yet. Either way, he and his wife are millionaires. I sure they will be fine. Why worry and get upset over the things you cannot control.

I feel like inflation is a concern for those who need to stretch their dollars ever month to make the mortgage, not for a couple who just bought a second home in Florida with cash.

Morning Rain

 This morning it rained during my drive to work.  Lightning strikes lit the dark skies as I drove along the freeway. At times the rain strengthened to a downpour, creating puddles along the sides of the road.  The Gladiator has no trouble negotiating puddles, but I did have to pass a few people less equipped for the storm.

This week doesn't feel overly long, just monotonous. Firefly's departure has left me moody. I don't miss her, but it opens up old wounds.  One day I will learn not to invest so much of my time in one woman. It is best to "spin plates," as they say.

A couple people have suggested staying single for a bit. I feel like I would be better off putting myself out there.  Nothing will fall in my lap without nudging the tree. The holidays are coming up fast, and it is my least favorite time of the year, except last year when I was on the road for 24 days.  It is an excellent time to hook up.

Movie Time

 I went over to Alex's house on Saturday (Twin A). He was watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.  I have not seen a Harry Potter movie in years.  My kids and I watched them all the time when they were young. I decided to pick up from the fourth movie and continue watching the films. I will be watching the 8th and final film tonight.

All is quiet at the condo. I am disappointed things did not work out with Firefly, but glad that it didn't take long to figure out that things would not work. I am debating whether to look for a replacement or just lay low until the end of the year. Either way, Firefly will not be coming back. I am done dealing with her. It is well beyond the point of diminishing returns. I hope the best for her. I fear, at best, she will turn into an overweight, purple-haired feminist, which is marginally better than the alternative outcome.

 The real problem is, I have not seen anyone I am interested in. The dancer, Future, would make a good candidate, but I think she lives on the other side of town. With her handicap, that wouldn't work. It seems like most of the girls on SA (Seeking Arrangments) are the something-for-nothing variety. 

Sleep To Dream

 Lately, when faced with the choice of getting up or staying in bed, rolling over and trying to return to sleep wins out. There are only so many hours the body needs, so eventually, I start my day.

I am reminded of an episode of the TV show Ally McBeal. A woman wanted to be put back in a medically induced coma because, in her unconscious state, she was married, had children, and had a wonderful life. In the waking world, she had none of these things.

My dreams are not as complex a construct. They do bring me a sense of peace the waking world does not. My mind is cluttered with conflicting thoughts. It must be nice to be one of those people that believes in one ideology wholeheartedly. My world is full of grey.

I came down with food poisoning again yesterday. This time it was terrible. I could not even keep water down. I am still touch and go this morning. I am trying to eat something before I go to the office. I am weak from not eating. Moving around complicates matters. If I didn't just have 4.5 days off, I would call in sick.

I haven't heard from Firefly since she packed up on Wednesday. Which is fine. She may be clean, but that has not improved her selfish behavior. I am glad she made it through rehab, but she will quickly find life has several struggles sober too.

One more thing. I watched Dave Chapple's final Netflix show the Closer last night. People in the trans community are giving him hell for it. Dave Chapple is not only funny but he is smart. He gives you something to think about long after the jokes are over. He made one statement that I believe is true. "People don't listen to what he is saying."  If they did listen, they would hear that he is not punching down on Transgender women. His jokes on cancel culture are stop on. I am glad he is not afraid to do his act.

I tell you how I feel but you don't care
I say tell me the truth but you don't dare
You say love is a hell you cannot bear
And I say give me mine back and go there for all I care

I got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem
This mind this body and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways
So don't forget what I told you don't come around
I got my own hell to raise... Sleep To Dream, Fiona Apple

90 Days

Dreams often bring clarity. It dawned on me during my restless morning tumbling. That Firefly associates me with her trauma. This is what I felt. This is what was off between us when she was released. Consciously or, perhaps subconsciously she was uncomfortable around me. She was struggling with that.  She wants the benefits, but not the perceived negatives. I guess, I did too. In the end, neither of us is getting what we wanted. Firefly packed up and is gone. She is going to a 3/4 house. On the positive side, she says she is 90 days clean.

Reality Blows

 It is not going well. I got those vibes from the beginning.  Firefly hit the ground running as soon as she was released.  I am not saying she started using yet, but she quickly decided she was going to do what she wanted to do.

My problem is I am a guy, and I look at things logically. She is a female and is twisted up on emotions in overdrive. Logically, I think she would want to ensure a safe and secure home environment to allow her to meet her goals bur she is not present. I see few personal changes. There is a lot of impulsive choices and questionable decision. 

I don't know how to help her.  It has only been two day, but I think staying here under the current conditions will not work for either of us. I questioned why she even wanted to come back here last night. I said, I think a 3/4 house would be better for her. She has too much freedom here.

I was up front with my expectations. Firefly doesn't seem to know what she wants. Regardless, it seems she is unwilling to do what and I don't see a reason for her to complicate my life.  It would be nice to have her around. I don't like being alone all the time, but I am not looking for a platonic roommate with constant needs and drama.

This was foreshadowed. This is something I have already learned. You cannot bargain for a woman's desire. Events that happened recently in Tommy's life  , gave me a sinking feeling because I knew things were probably going to go the same way with Firefly.  

I tend to hold on to long when diminishing returns. I don't like facing reality. Reality blows. I am not just talking about Firefly. I am talking about getting older, finding companionship, and purpose.

As the telling signs of age rain down
A single tear is dropping
Through the valleys of an aging face
That this world has forgotten

There is no reconciliation
That will put me in my place
And there is no time like the present
To drink these draining seconds

But seldom do these words ring true
When I'm constantly failing you
Walls that we just can't break through
Until we disappear...Savior, Rise Against

Late Weekend Story

Last weekend, Tink, Tech, T-Rex, T-Rex's girlfriend, and I went to Stoney Creek metro park for a hike.  It was a lovely day, but it was really damp.  The mosquitos were out in droves.  They jumped you whenever you stood still. We let the kids head out ahead of the adults. Inside the trees, a wedding party set up a group of white folding chairs with the trail running down the center aisle just off the parking lot. 

It was an odd sight. We think the party would move the chairs deeper inside the trails where there is an old house that is often used for weddings. What made no sense is why they bothered neatly lining the chairs in the middle of the trail as if the marriage were taking place right there where hikers walked by.

We made jokes as we came upon the scene. "Someone getting married?  Give me 5 minutes with him. I'll change his mind," I said.  Then I added, "Never thought I'd be walking down the aisle again," as I walked through the neat row of chairs.

We did not stay on the trails long.  Tech was getting eaten alive by the mosquitos.  I received a few bites, but nothing compared to him.

After we took the kids to Spirit Halloween so T-Rex could look for a costume. We looked through the costumes. I told Tech, "I used to like seeing the girls wearing sexy costumes like these, but there is not a girl in this store I would want to see in any of them."

We ended the day at Olive Garden. We waited outside while a party of 10 kids in fancy attire waited in the vestibule.  They looked like middle school kids, but Tink assured me they were in high school and were going to homecoming. 

I was astounded by the calorie count on some of the meals.  "1850?  Add breadsticks and soup, and that is more than you should eat in a day!"

Tink scolded Tech and me for ruining Olive Garden with such talk. I enjoyed the food but didn't finish my meal. 

Graduate

Can I Graduate,
Can I look into the faces that I meet,
Can I get my punk-ass off the street,
I've been living on for so long,..Graduate, Third Eye Blind

Like so many roads in the area, the road the rehab is on is under construction. Traffic can only travels in one direction, which adds ten minutes to my trip. I rolled into the rehab parking lot at 7:45 a.m. I head inside and upstairs to the women's unit.  I ring the bell and wait for several minutes before staff opens the door, and Firefly appears.

She is wearing a mustard-yellow paisley halter top, black leggings, and a black leather jacket. Firefly has put on weight. She looks healthy, but I think she feels self-conscious about the added pounds.  She probably has not been this heavy before. Firefly seemed subdued. She has only been away from the rehab once in three months. which was to go to court.

The day started out dark and overcast.  Intermittent raindrops trickled down, threatening to unleash a complete downpour at any second.

After packing a considerable amount of belongings into the truck, I slide into the passenger seat. Firefly gets behind the wheel.  It takes her a few minutes to get comfortable with the controls because the Gladiator is not an easy vehicle to drive. The steering is sensitive, and the truck tends to wander. I direct her to the restaurant of her choice, an IHOP (International House of Pancakes), but it is not open.  It has fallen victim to the times. I find a different restaurant nearby.  This one is just a HOP. I get a scrabbled egg skillet, and Firefly gets her pancakes with Nutella and banana.

We discuss her stay and her plans over the meal.  She has some money on her bridge card (government assistance). The rehab makes them sign up for those when they enter.  The facility takes a portion of the resident's food allowance. I am not sure how long she will get to keep the assistance now that she lives with me. My income exceeds the limit. 

"You've had your fun," I tell her when we leave the restaurant, and I gently point her to the passenger side of the truck. I take over the driving and drop her off at her parent's house. She needs to sort through clothes and pick up her car. Both parents are outside when we arrive. Firefly jumps out and starts talking to her mother.  Firefly's father comes around to the passenger side and thanks me for all my help.