Loose Leaf Notes

1. Last week was taken up with fighting off a cold that turned into covid and fixing typos on things I posted while on the road and out of town for Thanksgiving.

2. I missed five weeks of playing Scrabble with friends because of a doctor’s appointment, quarantining from a covid exposure, dealing with a wildfire near my house, visiting Joe’s mom for Thanksgiving, and then a cold that ended up being covid (not from the earlier exposure).

3. Also, we had to live for a week with our windows open because our kitchen cabinets were painted and the fumes were toxic.  Then, our heating system broke and we had to wait a month for the part. Meanwhile, it got very cold and we relied on our woodstove for heat. But then, when I was stoking the blazing fire for the last time one night, the glass door to the stove fell off. I had to wake up Joe from a deep sleep and he realized the urgency and fixed it. It all felt very much like being in basic survival mode and entropy.

4. “War is a bazaar where lives are traded like any other commodity: chocolate or bullets or parachute silk.”  From All the Light We Cannot See

5. “In this time of stupid darkness, in this time of ridiculous old men invading cities, stealing whole towns like bullying children stealing toys, I thought I would try to remember some of the things the professor said, and share them. Because he spoke always about light. He said the light that comes when you burn coal is actually sunlight. The point is that light lasts forever. For a billion years inside a piece of coal. But darkness, the professor said, Darkness lasts not even for one second when you turn on the light.” From All the Light We Cannot See

6. It takes time in the dark room to bring lived-experience into focus and to develop the meaning we’ve made of our lives. That is the theme of my latest poetry book, Poems from the Darkroom.  I imagined the process of writing as excavating and examining foundational memories, choosing the ones that illuminate the gold of the inner life, and then hanging them for viewing in a retrospective show.  Imprinted stills / Proof of life / Picked up at the corners / and held to the light / Now dredged and named / and hung one by one / We signed the originals / while still recognizable – More HERE.

7. “The mind is a camera obscura constantly trying to render an image of reality on the back wall of consciousness through the pinhole of awareness, its aperture narrowed by our selective attention, honed on our hopes and fears. In consequence, the projection we see inside the dark chamber is not raw reality but our hopes and fears magnified — a rendering not of the world as it is but as we are.” From In the Dark: A Lyrical Illustrated Invitation to Find the Light Behind the Fear, by Maria Popova

8. In 2009 Joe and I visited a Treehouse Hostel on our way to Florida that reminded me of an Ewok village. I saw this poetry mailbox there.

9. Christmas cards, get well cards, thank-you cards are practically extinct and my mail (and phone messages) lately consists primarily of people trying to sell me Medicare Advantage plans.

10. I was trying to explain to a friend why I have traditional Medicare, why I pay for a supplement and don’t want an advantage plan when THIS news article, Bipartisan anger aimed at Medicare Advantage care denials, came up on my feed, stating that Congress is concerned about the predatory aspect of these plans and the surge of complaints because of denials of coverage.  These plans are the most profitable for the insurance industry, but hospitals are Hospitals are starting to not accept advantage plans because of the time it takes to get around the denials of coverage.   ‘It was stunning’: Bipartisan anger aimed at Medicare Advantage care denials – POLITICO

11. Information is to the internet what math is to a calculator.

12. I remember when postage stamps cost 4 cents. Back in the 40s the mail was delivered twice a day and if you were sending a letter to a soldier it was free.

13. Once in a blue / Cupid chooses you / You say ‘I do’ / And someone says / It back to you – More HERE.

______Thirteen Thursday

Once in a blue
is me and you

Once in a blue
Cupid chooses you

Once in a blue
You say ‘I do’

And someone says
It back to you

December 3, 2023 – Happy Birthday, Joe, who I married on a Blue Moon in June of 1996.

It takes time in the dark room to bring lived-experience into focus and to develop the meaning we’ve made of our lives. That is the theme of my latest poetry book, Poems from the Darkroom.  I imagined the process of writing as excavating and examining foundational memories, choosing the ones that illuminate the gold of the inner life, and then hanging them for viewing in a retrospective show.  Imprinted stills / Proof of life / Picked up at the corners / and held to the light / Now dredged and named / and hung one by one / We signed the originals / while still recognizable  

From the darkroom to the bright pages of a book, as if telling a fairytale with obstacles and magical forces at play, the poems are born from the practice of giving the soul’s journey its right of way. When the soul takes the lead / there’s a deep delving / There’s a widening horizon / with the narrowing of life

Part poetry memoir, part therapy and legacy, the poems in Poems from the Darkroom are personal, generational and universal, where science, mythology and imagination converge, where grief is imbued with an honoring of the past.  I imagine my mother’s kitchen / still existing somewhere in time / after the big bang / and near a bright galaxy / that a giant telescope can see… 

There is biographical and generational storytelling … When Lucy and Desi slept in twin beds / And children hid under desks during nuclear drills / You played with matches / and picked your favorite Beatle / while your heroes were assassinated / and your brother was drafted… 

There are poems that reflect the state of the world… The night the world fell apart / it thawed and violently dropped / It snapped and crashed in chunks / and loudly broke its wholeness

Aging as a developmental stage of mind and body shapeshifting is expressed with honesty and curiosity. Loss as a part of aging and the magic trick of being here one minute and gone the next is a theme throughout the book.   Now I’m first of six / unanchored from my sidekicks / The children are orphans / marooned from the mainland / and I am an Island / waiting for a ship

Dreams. Not as platitudes or lofty goals, but the unruly kind we have a night when no one is looking. I don’t look away from a dark dream or feeling because they inform me about the state of my psyche and let me know what needs tending to. Buried like bodies / waiting to be claimed / they’re odd for a reason / to get our attention

Some of the poems explore the creative process of writing poetry… When our eyes become / adjusted to darkness / we call ourselves poets / We wait for poems / that fit like skin / We dream them / from a distance / then write them close in… 

Other poems could double for personal intros or bios.  I’m not an easy catch / but don’t play hard to get / I’m best read / with eyes squinted / with head tilted / and feet on the ground / I’m a one and only / best-kept secret / that doesn’t claim / to be your favorite

And who knew that poetry as depth psychology could also include flashes of humor?  When my husband gets bored and restless / he thinks about changing jobs / I just change the color of my nightgown / But is has to be silk…   Colleen Redman

Post Note: Please consider purchasing a copy of Poems from the Darkroom from Amazon and possibly writing a review. The book can also be purchased locally at The Floyd Country Store or The Harvest Moon Food store.

1. My new line to get people off their phones: Talk to each other like it’s 1995.

2. My favorite new conspiracy theory: Everything’s gonna be all right.  – Seen on Facebook

3. Poets tend to wear berets but they should wear newsboy caps, since they are the world’s town criers.

4. It was a very unusual Thanksgiving. We went to Delaware to spend the holiday with Joe’s 94-year-old mother, but when we got there we learned she was in the hospital with a bad cold that was possibly pneumonia. We broke up our Thanksgiving Dinner-To-Go into small groups, fixing our own plates to warm up, so that someone would be with her at the hospital.

5. She turned the corner, the day after Thanksgiving and we had an epic 3-way Scrabble Game using my portable game that features letters that click into place, making it easy to carry the board from her bed to our chairs.

6. Joe and his mom beat me and his nephew by 100 points.

7. We also saw Polar bear plungers at the beach, a Christmas Tree Lighting and a play at the Clear Space Theatre in Rehoboth Beach.

8. Estella Scrooge: It was a Christmas Carol with a Twist, a musical that was a refreshing modern take on Dickens’ A Christmas Carol and Great Expectations and other Dickens’ novels.

9. The apple pie I brought from The Floyd Country Store was a big hit.

10. I knew we were in trouble when I counted four Grinches in the Floyd Christmas Parade this year. The route was also well represented with Kazim Shriner Clowns who were bound to get in a little trouble. And some clowns were grinches. – More HERE.

11. The real reason that Joe and I wore Santa hats to these holiday events was because we both needed haircuts. – See Making a List and Checking it Twice 2016

12. ‘Please stay on the line’ / is another way of ‘doing time’ / with no human speech / or prospect for release/ with a recording that repeats / with a recording that repeats / ‘All calls will be answered / in the order they’re received’-Read A Hold-Up in it’s entirety  HERE. 

13. A local indoor heated pool would add 10 years to my life.

__________Thirteen Thursday 

-The following pictures appeared in The Floyd Press on November 30, 2023 – I knew we were in trouble when I counted four Grinches in the Floyd Christmas Parade this year.

The route was also well represented with Kazim Shriner Clowns who were bound to get in a little trouble.

And some clowns were grinches.

I could do this whole post on the clowns. They really went to town clowning around and spreading their zany antics of fun. See HERE. 

This one caused a brief traffic jam.

This one stepped up to direct it.

It’s always fun to see a pony in a tutu.

I was happy to see my friend Jason Rutledge of Healing Harvest Foundation participating in the parade.  Jason is a biological woodsman who practices restorative forestry and logs and plows with horses.

The theme this year was Small Town Blessings.

I wait every year for the Floyd County Marching Band to raise the energy with their big holiday sounds.

And for the Old Time music of the Handmade Music School musicians from The Floyd Country Store. Listen HERE. 

The Floyd Democrats did a float this year with a theme of bringing everyone to the table.

My friend Mim, who marched with young actors, passed out candy and invites to a Christmas Spectacular Musical Variety Show at the High School Auditorium December 2 at 7 p.m. and December 3 at 2 p.m.

There was a gingerbread house made by Boy Scout Troop 19.

And firetrucks.

Did I mention Grinches?

And don’t forget Santa!

The whole parade was FAB YULE OUS and this is just a glimpse. I plan to post more pictures to a Facebook album. Coming soon.

I wrote this poem
while on hold for a bureaucrat
with a Lynyrd Skynyrd instrumental
playing in the background
A Simple Man irony
for today’s red tape reality
of phone menu roulette

I wrote this poem knowing that
with one wrong button press
my connection could be cut
and the ‘no more than 20 minutes wait time’
would be added to my sentence

‘Please stay on the line’
is another way of ‘doing time’
with no human speech
or prospect for release
with a recording that repeats
with a recording that repeats

‘All calls will be answered
in the order they’re received’

________Colleen Redman / Poets and Storytellers United

1. Winter Star-  A light in the dark / saves what is lost / anoints the silent night / when the paths of ages cross / When closed hearts open / and wise ways are taken / alignments are blessed / in the age of Aquarius

2. “We are in a birthing canal and will be throughout 2023 and into 2024 and beyond. The big story, the overarching story, the one that spans not just years or decades, but centuries is the story of “The Age of Aquarius.” We’ve been singing about her for forty years, and at last, she is on the horizon. But she won’t—and can’t—arrive until we birth her.” – Janet Connor astrology 

3. “There is a gravitas in the second half of life, but it is held up by a much deeper lightness or ‘okayness.’ Our mature years are characterized by a kind of bright sadness and a sober happiness, if that makes any sense. There is still suffering in the second half of life—in fact maybe even more. But there is now a changed capacity to hold it creatively and with less anxiety. It is what John of the Cross called ‘luminous darkness,’ and it explains the simultaneous existence of deep suffering and intense joy in the saints and mystics—something that is almost impossible for most of us to imagine. Eastern Orthodoxy believed that if something was authentic religious art, it would always have a bright sadness to it. I think I am saying the same of an authentic life…” Richard Rohr

4. “In the second half of life, one has less and less need or interest in eliminating the negative or fearful, making again those old rash judgments, holding on to old hurts, or feeling any need to punish other people. Our superiority complexes have gradually departed in all directions. We learn to positively ignore and withdraw our energy from evil or stupid things rather than fight them directly. We fight things only when we are directly called and equipped to do so. We all become a well-disguised mirror image of anything that we fight too long or too directly. That which we oppose determines the energy and frames the questions after a while, and we lose our inner freedom.  When we are young, we define ourselves by differentiating ourselves from others; now we look for the things we all share in common. We find happiness in alikeness, which has become much more obvious to us now; and we do not need to dwell on the differences between people or exaggerate the problems. Creating dramas has become boring…” Richard Rohr

5. I’m a sucker for things like THIS 

6. And THIS. 

7. Hook up or broke up?

8. Wednesday is the day of the week that most looks like its misspelled. Wendsday makes more sense.

9. Tabs left open on my search bar: How long to quarantine after covid exposure, everything about Sally Hemmings and minimizer bras.

10. I wrote this poem / while on hold for a bureaucrat / with a Lynyrd Skynyrd instrumental / playing in the background / A Simple Man irony / for today’s red tape reality / of phone menu roulette – Read Hold-up in its entirety HERE.

11. “Research has shown that when people get older, they commonly recalibrate their goals; though they might be doing less, they tend to prioritize what they find meaningful and really appreciate it… A decline in openness to experience, then, could reflect someone relishing their routine rather than seeking new thrills; a decline in extroversion could indicate that they’re satisfied spending time with the people they already love.” – From The Curious Personality Changes of Older Age, The Atlantic

12. The Ghosts of Thanksgivings Past HERE.

13. Love Letters to Humanity: A Performance of Conscious Dance Theatre: Radford dance professor, Katie Wells, shares the hardships and triumphs of her spiritual path in a colorful tapestry of dance, words, props and audience interaction. A one woman show. See HERE.

___________Thirteen Thursday

_______Wordless Wednesday_

Katie Wells’s one woman show, Love Letters to Humanity: A Performance of Conscious Dance Theatre, drew sell-out crowds Friday and Saturday at the Floyd Center for the Arts.

It was a fundraiser for InStill Mindfulness, a local non-profit dedicated to cultivating a mindful world for all with kindness, compassion, and caring through education, action.

It’s hard to be human and growth usually comes with discomfort.

“Featured at the International Embodiment Conference, this one-person show weaves Dance Improvisation and Theatre to reveal both the struggle and humor on the search for inner peace in a moving and uplifting performance. Radford dance professor, Katie Wells, shares the hardships and triumphs of her spiritual path in a colorful tapestry of dance, words, props and audience interaction,” the event press release read.

In 2020 I covered Katie’s Love Letters performance for The Floyd Press HERE. The show has a structure but is largely improvisational, so much of it was new to me.

Audience interaction included the weaving together of people with a golden cord, which tied us together but also loosened us up.

I was glued to my seat throughout the show, until it was time for an audience participating ecstatic dance party at the conclusion.  I was so busy dancing with all the scarves that I didn’t get any pictures of that.

The show brought out many emotions, incorporated lots of humor with the peeling of layers and ended on a high note.

I’m such a fan of Katie’s that I will attend any and all of her performances.  She is a beautiful talent. See for yourself.

1. Over the weekend, Joe went camping with a group of inner city kids, and I went to the Taubman Museum to see an immersion art installation. That says a lot about us.

2. The Taubman show exhibit I saw was the work of Caledonia Curry, aka Swoon, a street artist and contemporary of Banksy.

3. Up in smoke?

4. The other thing we did this past weekend is tour the site of the Tuggles Gap mountain wildfire which was deemed a state of emergency by the governor and that was about 2 miles from our house.  We ran into a local forester who explained that the fire was no longer a danger. It had been contained by controlled back burning after digging a fire line road around the fire so as to not give it anything to catch on to. Thanks to the teams from several counties and other states, they didn’t lose any structures.

5. I finally understood the term ‘fight fire with fire.’

6. Magic or miracles? Fairy tales or bibles?

7. The past is an alibi. The future is booked. The present is constant and destiny is the destination.

8. Every rule is excused by some exception and nothing happens without a little friction.

9. “Robert Thurman said that, if we truly understood interdependence, we’d be more afraid of hating than dying. Because hatred travels further than the scope of an individual life. It runs through us like a shock-wave, and if we vibrate along with it, we become it and add our life-force to all kinds of suffering, for generations to come. The vibration of hatred doesn’t care whether you think you’re the oppressor or the oppressed. “Justice” means nothing to it. Once you’re caught in its tremor, you become part of what divides people, blocks empathy, steals hope. This is why the Buddha said we have to make our minds like broken bells, not resonating with the madness around us…” Paul Weinfield

10. “…These days, I’ve really been living in my home. Day after day, I experience all the comforts of home, and more and more, I feel the need to go out less and less. Sometimes even a walk down our long driveway to get the mail can be put off for another day… In a world that tends to define identity by what we do, I’m paring down to my essence. There’s nothing to distract me from the work of being me, allowing the changes, reviewing the sweet nostalgias and exploring the impact of how past traumas have shaped me. It’s work that feels like a luxury… More HERE. 

11.  You said, “Bye honey / I love you” three times / But couldn’t manage / to hang up the phone / “It’s okay / Just pretend I’m sitting / in the chair by the window / You can forget I’m here / and take a nap” – Excerpt from I Put You on Speaker Phone Listen below.

12.  I recorded the Oh Hellos doing Hello My Old Heart at Floydfest 2015 HERE.

13. It’s for you.  

________ Thirteen Thursday

In order to come fully to the encounter with whatever gives ultimate meaning, in order to wrestle with the angel, one must be a free agent, not defined by another, or by cultural imperatives. – Marilyn Sewell, Cries of the Spirit   

These days, I’ve really been living in my home. Day after day, I experience all the comforts of home, and more and more, I feel the need to go out less and less.  Sometimes even a walk down our long driveway to get the mail can be put off for another day.

Recognizing the difference between solitude and isolation, I mark my calendar with things to do, but the markings spread out over each month and are mostly dates to play Scrabble, dates to hear and dance to bands I like, lunch or walks with a friend, health care appointments, and maybe a poetry reading I’ve been scheduled to do. Impromptu activities happen but don’t get written down, time with my grandsons, a conversation or memorable phone call, a bike ride or beach trip with my husband Joe.

Now that the pool swimming, gardening and mowing season has wound down, I find myself cleaning, sewing, reading and writing more. I continue to spend time cooking and eating luscious meals every day, blogging online, following the news, writing poems, watching movies or TV shows I like and soaking up the last of the sunlight on the porch with cup of tea in hand. I do more crossword puzzles, study quantum physics and listen to whole catalogues of music by my favorite songwriters (old or new).

This is so different. After raising two sons, helping to raise two grandsons and providing in-home foster care for a developmentally disabled individual for nine years, I’ve never had so much freedom. It’s a freedom to go from interest to interest and to embody where I live. But for me, this freedom comes with a lessening of interest in some social activities and a lessening of the stamina to attend them.

I miss the part time job I had for 15 years covering local events and writing features for our local paper. I was well suited to it, and it got me out-and-about and meeting people for interviews that I wouldn’t normally meet. I didn’t retire as much as I got “let go” when the paper changed hands, and then the budget was cut in the summer 2021. And now I have time on my  hands.

I remember asking my parents as they were aging, ‘what do you do all day?’ Now I ask myself. I don’t buy into the elder years being the best time of life. It has its pluses but also has loss. Instead of crossing things I want to do off my bucket list, I’m also crossing off things I don’t have to do.  For me, it’s not about living life to its fullest, it’s about living, and that means lots of maintenance, keeping things simple and being present for the small beauties and joys of life.

In a world that tends to define identity by what we do, I’m paring down to my essence. There’s nothing to distract me from the work of being me, allowing the changes, reviewing the sweet nostalgias and exploring the impact of how past traumas have shaped me. It’s time that feels like a luxury.

These past couple of years have been an adjustment, one that hasn’t always been comfortable. But yesterday, I heard myself say, ‘I’m starting to like this.” I have been marveling at my ability to adapt, to slow down, or to stay busy with what I choose to do.

I’ve been hearing my dad’s voice in my head. He was a homebody too, one who liked to say ‘my home is my castle.’  Mine is a cabin on three acres surrounded by woods. We have a pump for well water, a shed full of firewood, a freezer full of venison (thanks to Joe), a large garden and a few chickens.

I used to refer to my home as a humble country abode, but now I’m starting to see it as my castle. I’m rich in privacy. I’m rich in the natural world. I’m rich in all the things that money can’t buy. I’m home, and after living here for 30 years, twice as long as I lived in the house I grew up in, I’m happy to say it’s my favorite place to be.

It takes two

How many are you?

Mirror mirror. There’s a lot of us in here.

Swoon, aka Caledonia Curry, is an artist and an installation exhibit at the Taubman Museum.

Swoon is a printmaker, paper cutter, screen printer, large scale relief creator and street artist with a focus on human connection, social practice and healing trauma. “She was part of a group of artists early 00s, including JR and Banksy, that were committed to pushing the forms and conceptual limits of the Street Art genre.” -Wikipedia

She also works with animation and film, such as with the Sibylant Sisters, an autobiographical fairy tale shown at the exhibit that fascinates and disturbs.

We spent a lot of time listening.

“One of her pieces “Medea,” is a sculpture and sound installation that shares a series of biographical portraits as well as a switchboard with audio clips. The Taubman Museum of Art says the audio clips are gathered from psychology texts and fairy tales. It even included Curry’s dreams and childhood memories.” WFXR.

I can’t think of a more enriching way to spend a day with friends than an art immersion followed by lunch in Roanoke’s Downtown Market.

The show is open till March 10. Don’t miss it!