Frasier may have left the building, but at least he’s back for a short visit

In the summer of 2016 when I made the ill-fated decision to move out of the city, I also decided to do some serious downsizing and gave away half of what I owned.  I donated over 300 hardcover books and half of my DVD collection to the Bellevue Library.

This was actually the very first thing I gave them, my complete set of Frasier, which aired on NBC from 1993 to 2004.  Looking back, I’m not sure why I did; I dearly loved this show.  Everything about it was brilliant—from the writing to it’s inspired casting (Frasier wasn’t even supposed to have a brother, one of the producers saw David Hyde Pierce and remarked his uncanny resemblance to Kelsey Grammer). 

As great as it was though, my second favorite thing about the show was his luxury apartment in the fictional Elliot Bay Towers in Seattle.  I used to record the show on my vcr, then pause it during replay just to study the artwork or the titles of the books on his bookshelves!

My favorite thing about the show though was the calls to my mom after every new episode.  She knew to expect my call the moment Kelsey began singing “tossed salad and scrambled eggs”, and we’d rehash that night’s story and laugh all over again. 

Sadly, Mom passed about 6 months after the final episode.

The reason I share all this now is because last night I laughed again at Frasier for the first time in a LONG time, and afterwards felt both relief and some heartache too.  The show was recently revived on Paramount Plus with much fanfare (they announced it was returning 3 years ago) but after 4 episodes I was greatly disappointed.  

USA Today wrote a pretty scathing piece about its revival and got raked over the coals by Frasier’s adoring fans; the paper was right though, the show was a turd.

And then last night (after putting it off for over a week) I watched the fifth episode and it was nothing short of awesome—they got it, they got that magic back!  Well, for this episode at least.  Frasier and his adult son Freddy are in Frasier’s Boston apartment, waiting on blind dates; when the first woman arrives, they’re both attracted to her but don’t know which Crane she’s there for, and instead of just asking…. I was howling.

Later when the second woman shows up, and Frasier confesses to Freddy he wants her too, his disgusted son remarks “Why don’t I just pretend to be your personal chef?  We’ll set up another table on the balcony, and try to fool both women into having dinner with you!”  Frasier pauses, stares into space like he’s mulling it over and says “You know, there was a time when I would’ve considered such a thing…”  My God I laughed so hard! 

I know it sounds silly, but if you were a fan of playwrights like Preston Sturges or Noel Coward, you’d enjoy this too. 

Okay, I thought I’d wrap this little lovefest up with 3 takes on Frasier’s apartment.  The first is from the original Frasier, complete with his dad’s ratty 1970’s recliner. 

The second is how designers imagine it would look today—pretty fancy stuff. 

The third is his apartment on the revived show, set in Boston.  I am digging that Rorschach wallpaper!

So… where were you on January 4, 1978? (Just a little 70’s flashback, that’s all)

DISCLAIMER:  This will probably be the most unnecessary, least significant thing you read all week; proceed at your own peril

Recently I started watching Eight is Enough on Tubi, and I’m going to be honest here and admit I’m not a big fan of the show.  In fact, in the 1970s I hated it.  I loved the Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie on Monday nights, the Lawrence Family on ABC’s Family on Tuesday nights, The Waltons on Thursdays.

But on Wednesday nights the Bradfords on Eight is Enough did little for me.  Those brothers & sisters didn’t feel like brothers and sisters for a minute.  And why were they all adults to boot?  In one episode, Abby (the stepmom, married to Tom Bradford) wants Tom to accompany her on a weekend trip.  He says “We can’t leave Nicholas alone for 2 days, he’s only 10 years old!’ 

Abby says “You have a houseful of 8 children and 7 of them are adults.”   THANK YOU ABBY.

“Well Doug, if you’re not a fan of the show then why are you even watching it.” 

It’s a real time capsule of middle class America in the 1970s, and a reminder of my own teenaged years then.  And the Bradford house had it all--the hot curlers and high waisted bell bottoms on the girls, the shag green carpeting, the big glass ashtrays in the living room—even though no one in their house smoked.

A 1975 Fleetwood Cadillac sat in the driveway (along with oldest son David’s Volkswagen bus and stepmom Abby’s vintage roadster) and the entire house shared one bathroom and one phone.  Can you imagine?  

So I’m watching Season 2 Episode 15 “A Hair of the Dog” where the new kid in Tommy’s junior class is after Tommy to get his older brother David’s apartment so they can have a beer party.

Right away I notice the new kid is an older Danny Bonaduce, from The Partridge Family.

My friend Danielle is a fan of The Partridge Family, so I call her up to tell her what I’m watching.

DANIELLE:  Eight is Enough is crap!  Why are you watching it, turn it off!

ME:  I’m not a fan of the show, it just takes me back.  Anyway, the reason I’m—

DANIELLE:  Josh says it’s the worst show in the history of television!

ME:  I’m not arguing with you!  I’m just trying to tell you Danny Bonaduce is guest-starring on one episode as the new kid in school, and—

DANIELLE:  He’s probably up to no good!  He was just as bad in real life too!

I can see I’m not exactly winning her over.  Anyway, I finish the show (it wasn’t so bad) and look at the air-date that Tubi includes with each episode.  It originally aired January 4, 1978.

Why does that year & date sound so familiar to me?  This will eat at me for the next couple weeks.

So, a couple nights ago I’m looking through online folders of pictures I scanned from my mom’s photo albums (that were sadly taken apart after her passing) and I found it.  The photo with that date, I mean.

As my brothers & sisters can attest, our mom liked to include details on the backs of her photos.  The date, what’s going on, etc.;  and on this picture, she writes:

January 4, 1978.  Doug returns to school after Christmas vacation wearing the painter pants and Earth shoes he received as gifts. His rust sweater is a gift too.

Doug is in the 11th grade.           

I remember asking for those painter pants and orange Earth-shoes for Christmas, and getting some nice compliments from a couple of my female classmates at school.

(It just occurred to me I never wore white pants again.  That’s probably a good thing.)

I can even remember what we had for lunch in the cafeteria that day!  Well, almost.  Wednesdays were “Gravy Day”, we either had meatloaf with whipped potatoes and brown gravy, or a hot chicken sandwich with potatoes & gravy.  (The meatloaf was my favorite, the chicken was my sister Shawn’s.)

And I am willing to bet $1,000 I know what my family watched on television that night.  Well, us kids anyway.  Danny Bonaduce on Eight is Enough, up to no good.

The Redemption of Christopher Columbus, oh what might’ve been

A couple weeks ago, I was sailing around the Library and happened upon a wonderful book titled Pastwatch: The Redemption of Christopher Columbus by Orson Scott Card, and I thought I’d share my discovery with the civilized world! 

What’s that?  The book’s been known for decades already as it was published in 1997?  Doesn’t matter—let history show that I discovered it.  No one would’ve known of it’s existence until I came along & wrote about it here, aside from a couple hundred thousand science fiction readers, but what do they know? 

They’re not like us, they don’t count.  In fact, let’s enslave those damn nerds and ship them off to Parts Unknown! 

Okay you can see where I’m going here, and I’m not alone in my feelings about the man who is responsible for the extinction of the Taino Indians and a slave trade that lasted for centuries—ask any Native American what he thinks of Christopher Columbus. 

But I have to admit that because of this remarkable ‘what-if’ story, I’m able to see things a bit more in their historical perspective.

Set sometime in the near future, the story goes back & forth from the 15th century (where we learn of Columbus’ origins) to the present, where there is an academic organization known as ‘Pastwatch’.  Computer monitors called Tru-Sites are used to look back through time, for the study of past civilizations.  

There are people who devote their entire lives to studying one ancient society, or even one historical figure.  (A Muslim named Kemal is a celebrity Pastwatcher, an expert of ancient weather patterns who ascertained not only the origin & sinking of Atlantis, but that Noah--known by his people as Noag, and his ark of animals actually existed.) 

But this book focuses on a Pastwatcher named Tagiri, an African woman who has made it her life’s work to understand the beginnings of slavery.  Years of careful study have led her to one man:  Christopher Columbus, who was ultimately responsible for the African & American continents colonization by Europe, and the death and enslavement of millions of their native peoples for several centuries.

So when it’s discovered that scientists may be able to do more than just observe past events, and actually travel backwards in time, Tagiri wants to devise a way to prevent Columbus “discovery of America”. 

Her colleagues are shocked; aren’t you afraid of how it will alter our present?

Tagiri says “History is not our prelude; we can’t justify the pain & suffering of people in the past because everything turned out well by the time we came along.  When we believed we could not go back in time & make changes, we could be excused for shedding a tear for them & going on with our happy lives.  But once we know we can go back & help, if we let their suffering go on, this is no golden age we live in.”  

Wow!  She makes a good argument.  And as the story progresses, Tagiri wonders two things: what really compelled Columbus to make that historical voyage in the first place, and why is Pastwatch allowing her to proceed with her plans to stop him?  The answers to both are startling.

I don’t know what they teach about Christopher Columbus in classrooms today.  I’m from the generation that learned he was a great explorer, looking only for a faster route to the Far East for gold & spices when he discovered the New World instead. 

In fact, when he arrived & the Tainos Indians befriended him, Columbus wrote this about them in his report to Queen Isabella:  "So peaceable, are these people, that I swear to your Majesties there is not in the world a better nation. They love their neighbors as themselves, and their discourse is ever sweet and gentle, and accompanied with a smile; and though it is true that they are naked, their manners are decorous and praiseworthy."

Columbus then declared them the property of Spain, ordered their enslavement & began shipping them back to Europe.  The ones who were allowed to remain were forced to mine for gold—and tortured & murdered if they resisted. 

In 4 years, a hundred thousand Tainos were dead.

Where was I going with this?  I was planning to say something in this so-called explorer’s defense, but it’s lost on me.

      

Microblogging, Teepee Style: Five little things from this past weekend

Isn’t this a great idea?  Instead of sitting here twiddling my thumbs, trying to come up with a topic blog-worthy to write about, I can just mash some odds n’ ends together from recent people, places & things swirling around in my brain or on the news.

And just like that, I’ve got a new blog available, suitable for reading, framing, or lining the cat litter box.

So, away we go…

1. This past weekend… Lisa Murkowski (the GOP senator from Alaska and one of the few GOP senators with half a brain) thanked Joe Biden for shooting down a mysterious, cylindrical object hovering over Alaska.

For some reason, the spaceship from the movie ET. the Extra-Terrestrial came to mind.  I sure hope this gun-happy country (more like gun happy planet) didn’t shoot down E.T.! 

2. This past weekend… I did my taxes early to take advantage of a 30% discount promotion I got in the mail from Turbo-Tax (that expires Monday, February 13).

                          

After doing said taxes, which took 2 hours and 44 minutes because their online software required me to re-type my banking information and the 1099-INT, 1099-DIV, 1099-B & 1099-R forms already downloaded by them, the 30% discount promotional code I received in the mail was rejected as invalid. 

The code was:  LYAYPYCVBEC5G8.  I entered it 6 times before calling the help number, only to be put on hold for 35 minutes.  I finally gave up and pressed the ‘Continue’ button, I couldn’t throw away nearly 3 hours of work!  I hate you, Turbotax.  I HATE YOU SO BAD.

3. This past weekend… Nicholas Colasanto, who played Coach on Cheers, died on this date, February 12, 1985.  He was 61 years old.

                                  

I mean no disrespect, but he was only 61 years old?  I thought Coach was a lot older.  I’m 61 years old.  Do I look like an old man?  I’m not an old man!

4. This past weekend… I watched the movie Tar starring Cate Blanchett, a drama about the Berlin Philharmonic’s first female maestro and came upon a startling realization.

     
Many actors have looks, many have talent.  (I dislike Tom Cruise, but I won’t deny the man has talent.)  Cate Blanchett has more; looks and talent and genius.  My God, this woman IS a maestro!  I didn’t look away the duration of the film.

5. This past weekend… I watched this too.  I don’t know what it was, but this young man has talent up the proverbial ying-yang.

Apparently Zhou Shen has become a big deal in China, and deservedly so. But he’s a 30 year old man!  How in the world—I’m reminded of that quaint custom the Catholic Church had 200 years ago, when they castrated boys before puberty to keep them sopranos for life. 

Well, you never know what China is going to come up with next… 

Questions, questions: I don’t get it—I can’t explain it

We all have questions, don’t we.  And while some of us study quantum theories, and ponder the very existence of time and space, others (that would be me) tend to dwell on more mundane matters.  Here’s a few recent things that have been bouncing around in my noggin lately.

1. “It’s an old tv show, why couldn’t I just let it go?”

A couple weeks ago I was watching CBS Mornings, and they were discussing the one year anniversary of Betty White’s passing (who died December 31, 2021).  Gayle King mentioned that her death was especially hard on fans of The Mary Tyler Moore Show, as Betty was the last surviving cast member.

The others nodded their heads in agreement—after all, everyone knows that Oprah Winfrey is Gayle’s best friend, and Oprah is Mary’s biggest fan.  But all I could think was “Wrong, Gayle—wrong.”   I consider myself one of MTM’s No.1 fans too, but who am I?  Best to let it go.

But for some reason, I couldn’t—and finally looked up the show’s contact email, and sent them this collage:

John Amos (who played Gordy the Weather Man), Lisa Gerritsen (Phyllis’ daughter Bess) & Joyce Bulifant (Murray Slaughter’s wife Marie) were all recurring characters, and are alive & well.  And I let them know.

I received a response the same day, around 3 hours later:  “Thank you Douglas, we’ll pass this along.”   To whom?  I’m sure I’m not the only crackpot fan who wrote and let them know, but at least I got it off my chest.

2. “Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the grayest of them all?”

At the barbershop, my hair looks mostly white.  At the drugstore, my hair looks grandma white.  Outside, my hair looks snow white.

But in my bathroom—it looks more dark than white!  Are my eyes deceiving me?  How do I make it look this dark all the time?  Also, I wish I knew how to get rid of those brown circles under my eyes… I’m a lousy sleeper.

3. Why can’t I find the time (or desire) to read a good book or three?

This is the God’s honest truth: for as long as I can remember, I’ve read 3 books a month, easy.  (When I was in high school, I read so much I even won an award from our town’s library—I’m going to show you in an upcoming blog!) 

But since retiring, it’s been a real effort.  Why is that?  Here’s 3 books I’ve gotten in the last year.  My three favorite subjects—Mars, Stephen King & Robert Kennedy.  Yet I’ve barely gotten the first couple chapters read in Chris Matthew’s book, and have yet to crack open the first two.

4. And finally, why can’t I toss out this letter from the Jehovah’s Witnesses?

How did these people find me?  The last thing I want is a Bible study in my home (or one anywhere, for that matter).  But I can’t help but wonder, when is the last time I’ve received a handwritten letter from a girl?   The notebook paper, the faint smell of ballpoint ink… boy does this take me back.

There’s just something warm & fuzzy about getting a real letter, even if it is from someone that wants to turn you into a Jehovah’s drone who doesn’t believe in celebrating birthdays or holidays. 

Thank you Lisa, wherever you are. 

Bros? I got your bros right here and their names are Brian and Charles

This morning I heard a news report that the gay rom-com “Bros” was flopping at the box office, and the director, producers and stars of the film were blaming it on several things: 

The Midwest, homophobic people & straight men in general.

I know its received many positive reviews, but I was curious; did it include a lot of physical action?  I did some googling and discovered it had nudity, sex, “lusty kissing”.  I’m sorry, but I don’t want to see men doing that with each other.

I AM NOT HOMOPHOBIC.  Far from it, I get along with gay men better than straight ones, and have often been asked if I was gay myself.  (Well, I prefer musicals over sports and my all-time favorite entertainer is Judy Garland!)

I just don’t enjoy watching same-sex intimacy, be it men OR women.  I gave up watching Batwoman on the CW last year, because at the end of every episode, Batwoman had a make-out session with her girlfriend with some heavy-duty smooching.  Blecch.

It just occurred to me… I don’t like seeing ANYBODY kissing like that!

But a couple nights ago I watched the new English comedy Brian and Charles, and THESE two men I could watch & enjoy together all day.  The movie is funny as it is charming, it’s quirky and original as they come.  It’s about a quiet, bearded man named Brian who lives on a small farm in the English countryside.  He’s lonely, and spends his time building odd inventions like egg-belts (you know, to carry eggs around) and flying cuckoo clocks so the townfolk can look up to the sky and see the time.

His inventions always fail, but he doesn’t let that deter him.

And then one day Brian finds an old washing machine & mannequin’s head at the local dump, and decides he’ll build a robot.  He’s both amazed and delighted when the robot comes to life and gives itself a last name, and the two quickly become the best of friends.

There is one scene where Brian is in the kitchen cooking cabbage, and the robot comes in, stands there for a moment then begins doing a little dance.  Brian says “What’s that you’re doing?  Is that a jig, Charles?  Are you doing a jig because I’m cookin’ your favorite, cabbage?”   The robot dances harder.  I can’t explain it, but I was laughing so hard I was crying, and the VERY NEXT MINUTE I was wiping my eyes for another reason altogether.

I don’t want to give anymore away, but I WILL say I am choosing this movie as my Favorite Movie of 2022.  (In 2021 it was The Batman, in 2020 it was Saint Maud.) 

If you have a couple minutes, please watch the trailer below.  If you have Peacock Premium, do yourself a favor and watch the entire film. 

It’s that special.  And you won’t see anything more physical than a hug. 

Watching TV in the future (well, in the 21st century): is it good for you too?

Spock prepares to do battle on Vulcan, on Star Trek: Strange New Worlds

I pay $13.00 a month to watch tv.  That includes 70 over-the-air channels (using my Mohu Bookshelf antenna, the white square below my tv), free movie channels like Tubi, 190 streaming channels courtesy of Pluto & LG TV, and premium streaming services HBO Max, Paramount Plus, Hulu & Peacock Premium.

I even have 24 hour news again as ABC, NBC & CBS all have (free) streaming news channels now. 

I’m sorry but this blows my mind.  A year ago, I was paying $150 a month for ‘Expanded Basic’ cable and Netflix.  And it seemed like I could never find anything I wanted to watch.  

Have you cut the (cable) cord yet?  If you’re unable to get your local stations with an antenna like I do, and you don’t want to give up cable, you should look into YouTube TV.  $65.00 a month gets you local stations, 85 cable channels & unlimited “cloud service DVR”.

(As for myself, I will never pay more than $20.00 a month again.)

I think what my cable company (Xfinity) did was pretty smart.  When I canceled my cable/internet/phone bundle, they offered me Peacock Premium for free if I kept my internet—and sent me a Flex box & voice remote for free, no monthly fee, no strings attached.

(It’s like a Roku, but with the Xfinity brand to keep a leash on you.) 

I tossed it in my closet, but as time went on I learned how useful it could be.  Sometimes these premium services like Paramount Plus would freeze on my tv, and the only way to unfreeze them was to restart everything, internet included. 

I discovered if I stream shows from HBO Max & Paramount thru the Flex box, it buffers what I watch perfectly.  No spinning wheels, zero glitches.

I never trusted this Flex completely though, until recently.  Every once in awhile, using the voice remote, I’d say “The World According to Garp.” 

(It’s an old favorite of mine, from 1982.)  Flex would come back with “Available to rent from Xfinity for $3.99.” 

That meant it wasn’t available for streaming anywhere else. 

Then in late May, I learned the movie was coming to HBO Max June 1.  (Flex knows what services you subscribe to, so you don’t have to re-enter passwords.)  On June 1, when I said Garp into the remote, it said “Available to watch now on HBO Max.”   It didn’t even give me the option to rent it from Xfinity.  I was impressed.

But good things seldom last forever, and I’ll need to make some decisions soon: 

1)  I currently pay $7.50 a month for ad-free HBO Max, thanks to a 1 year promotion I got last September.  It runs out in 2 months.  Do I want to pay $15.00 a month to keep this?  Or $10.00 a month for the version with ads?  Or drop it altogether?

I just learned if I pay another year in advance, I’ll get a 16% discount.  Still…

2)  I currently pay 99 cents a month for Hulu.  (This was another year-long deal I got last November, on Black Friday.)  This November, my monthly price will increase to $6.99.  Do I want to pay this? 

Yes, I do.  Because Hulu is such a great mix of movies and tv shows, this is the only service I really want or need for enjoying tv. 

3)  I pay $4.00 a month for Paramount Plus (it’s $4.99, but discounted if you pay a year in advance) pretty much for 3 shows only:  Star Trek Discovery, Star Trek Picard & Star Trek: Strange New Worlds.  Do I want to continue this?  I’m not sure.

But it’s only 4 bucks, I’m paid up thru next spring, and I love Star Trek.  Plus it’s nice having all the CBS shows available at my convenience.

The funny thing is, with everything there is to watch, I was curious to check out Apple TV+.  The app is on my Flex, with an offer for a 7 day free trial.  (After that, it’s $4.99 a month.)  But it stopped me from signing up; you’re required to have an itunes account or apple device and idon’t.  Their loss! 

Just as well, I suppose.  I’d almost forgotten about the free streaming service from Xfinity, Peacock Premium.  Now if I just had one of these cool George Jetson chairs…  

 

After twenty odd years, I’m embracing my inner geek—and my secret starship of shame

This is the bookcase in my bedroom.  It has items on it that connect to the kid still inside me, from the Indian drum on the first shelf, to my collection of horror & sci-fi comic book reprints from the 1950s on the bottom one.

There’s been a recent addition to this collection, on the very top of the bookcase on the left hand side.  That is a model of the Starship Voyager, from the Star Trek tv show of the same name that aired 1995-2001.

For over twenty years, that spaceship has been hidden away in my bedroom closet, with an old t-shirt draped over it.  (There’s a reason it’s been hidden, I’ll get to that in a minute.)  Anyway, around a month ago I was cleaning out my bedroom closet, saw it in the far back and thought “I should just throw that away.”

But when I fished it out and removed the t-shirt… why have I kept it hidden?  And up on top of the bookcase it finally went.

Here’s why it was squirreled away so long ago:  back in 1999-2000, when the internet was here but people still shopped in stores & the like, I’d spend my lunch hours downtown browsing various shops.  There was one store I was particularly fond of, that sold sci-fi collectibles.  And one day I saw this model ship on display and was amazed; for a model kit the attention to detail was startling. 

When I asked the salesman what I was looking at, he said “Oh that’s from Bandai, a Japanese company that makes high-end model kits.  They’re expensive, but have great resell value.”   When I asked how much the kit was, he said $76.00.   WHAT!

(Maybe that doesn’t sound so high today, but 25 years ago, the typical Star Trek model was $12-15.00.)   He told me that while the one on display wasn’t wired, the kits did come with wiring & lighting.

I didn’t buy it the first day, but returned a couple times to look at it.  Finally on the third or fourth day, the salesman told me “You should know I only have one of those left.”

I bought it.

You can still buy one today, but the price has gone up significantly

For the next couple of weeks, I’d come home from work and get busy with this model kit, in a thousand pieces on my dining table.  While I had experience modeling, I’d never worked with electrical wiring before and it was extremely daunting.  But eventually I finished, loaded it with batteries and turned it on.

Only some lights on top of the saucer came on, but they were yellowish and flickered, and made a buzzing sound.  After a few minutes, I smelled wires burning and those few lights blinked out.  It wouldn’t light again.

I remember feeling both angry & embarrassed, spending so much money on such a thing.  I was going to throw it away, but couldn’t bring myself to do it.  So up in the closet it went, where it remained for 22 years.

That is, until recently when I thought “Even if it is broken, it’s still a beautiful model and deserves to be seen.”  And for a couple weeks, I’ve been admiring it greatly.

But that isn’t the end of the story. 

A couple weeks ago, I reached out to an old friend of mine, Tom from Tom’s Sci-Fi Modeling and asked if he remembered me.  (We used to hang out on a science fiction message board in the early 2000s.)  He said he sure did, and we caught up on things since we last spoke in 2004.

I told him about my Bandai Voyager model, and sent him the photo above.  He said “It looks brand new.  Those are worth a few bucks.”  I said I thought so, but had no intention of selling it.  Further, I wanted to make it work like it was supposed to 20 years ago.

He told me I’d have to scout around for a .PDF of the assembly manual if I wasn’t comfortable opening it without one, but the good news was I wouldn’t have to break any cement seals.  He offered to sell me a small bundle of model wire and pack of microbulbs for $11.00 total.   I got them in 3 days.

I did write Bandai (for a copy of the manual) and left messages on a couple of sci-fi sites, but got no responses.  I wound up spending most of one evening figuring out how to open the model without breaking it, but found the issue right away; one of the main wires had been looped around a cluster of bulbs and melted through.  I replaced a couple sections of the wire and all of the bulbs coated in black, and made buffers using old corks.  

After I closed it up, I installed fresh batteries and said a silent prayer to Gene Roddenberry.  “Oh Great Bird of the Galaxy, make this damn model ship work again!”

I flipped the switch and light POURED from the model like I’d never seen.

(I’m sorry for the grainy photo, but I have an old camera and took this with no flash and all the lights out.)

Well, on the tv show it took Voyager 7 years to make it back home from the Delta Quadrant; as for my own starship, it took 3 times that long to be seen again.

But I’d say it was worth the wait!

Here’s the story of a lovely lady… oh wait, it’s just my friend Danielle

Recently my friend Danielle surprised me with this early birthday present, a pair of 8 x 10 lithographs of… the Brady House!   (I’m definitely going to frame one of these beauties, I think the bottom one.)   This isn’t something I’m especially proud of, but I suppose I was a big fan of the Brady Bunch in it’s heyday and awhile after, and still keep up with the latest doin’s of the cast. 

(Did you know Susan Olsen, who played the youngest girl Cindy, is a godawful Trumper?  Oh the humanity!)

Several generations of kids grew up with this show of course, but I’m one of the original fans who watched it Friday nights at 8pm from 1969 to 1974.  I’ve probably mentioned it here once or 10 times before, but I can still remember the night of it’s premiere, my mom turning to Dad and saying “Who do they think is going to watch this sh-t?” 

(She should’ve known better than to ask; her and Dad had 5 kids, with a sixth on the way.  3 boys and 3 girls, just like the Bradys!  I’m the middle boy in my family, but I’m the same age as Mike Lookinland, who played the youngest boy Bobby.)

In fact, this is how Danielle & I became friends.  In 2011, when she transferred to my work-group in our company, she was being led around and introduced.  When she was brought over to my desk, the person doing the introductions said “You’ll like Doug, he’s a Brady Bunch fan too.”   (How did they know that, and how did they know that about her?) 

I said “Well, there’s a lot of people out there who claim they’re fans, but know next-to-nothing about the show.   You’re probably one of them, and I’ll be proving that in the weeks ahead with a series of quizzes you’ll be given.”  

She said “Bring ‘em on!”   I did, and she surprised me greatly; she knew as much as me and I’m the BRADY MASTER.

Last year when HGTV reconstructed the interior of the actual home used to film exterior shots for the show, they had a comprehensive online ‘walking tour’. 

I studied every room and was surprised to discover only ONE clock in the entire house, on Alice’s nightstand. 

When I relayed my findings to Danielle, I got a lecture in return on how Alice was mistreated by the family.  See, this is what mental fans do!

Of course, as time went by we learned we had more in common than an old tv show.  We had a very similar upbringing (we grew up in parallel small towns in Pennsylvania that turned red for Trump) and we share a death wish for most Republicans on Capitol Hill.  Okay, all Republicans.  We’re both hams, and we each have a sibling named Shawn! 

Anyway, even with our 15 year age difference I knew right away we were going to be good friends. 

Oh and for the record, I love her husband Josh too. 

 

Thanks again, Danielle

 

Oh, how the mighty have fallen: c’mon TV Guide, enough with the shakedowns

Hey, remember TV GUIDE?  If you were born in the 20th century, sure you do.  Still, growing up in the 1960s and 70s, it was NOT a regular thing in our house. 

1) The Sunday paper already had ‘TV Week’ in between the shuffle of store coupons and PARADE Magazine.

2) My family had a town crier (ahem, me) who somehow knew what was airing on every channel, every night of the week.  “Hear ye, hear ye!  Tonight on ABC is Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley, followed by Three’s Company & Taxi!  On CBS is Paper Chase and the CBS Tuesday Night Movie!  On NBC…”

Still, it managed to find it’s way into our house on occasion, especially if there was someone notable on the cover like Frank Sinatra or Elvis.  And when we went to Grandma’s house, I’d always skim thru her copy.  It was just a part of everyone’s life, like Kleenex.

When I moved out of my parents house in 1979, I bought TV Guide weekly without fail.  (I didn’t have a lot of money, but in 1979 the cover price was only 30 cents.)  When I got my first real place, I began subscribing to it. 

Did you know (unlike most magazines) TV Guide did not offer a discount for subscribing?  Not until the 2000s anyway, when it’s popularity began to wane and the cover price reached a couple dollars.  I can still remember when I finally let my subscription lapse, when they went from digest-size to “regular magazine” size. That was in October 2005.

The final ‘digest-sized’ copy of TV Guide, for the week of October 9-16, 2005

Along with ten million others, I realized I no longer needed it.  Cable & dish services supplied a schedule of shows on your tv screen.  (Smart tvs now do that too.)

For 15 years or so, TV Guide was just a memory.  

And then last year, a Youtuber I follow (FredFlix) posted a brief video of things he missed from his youth.  TV shows like Space 1999, drive-in movies, 15 cent comic books, TV Guide.

We got to talking about TV Guide in earnest, and one of his followers commented “I’m going out to buy one today!”  and I said I was going to do one better and sign up for a subscription.  

I went on Google and found a link from TV Guide to subscribe for one year for $15.00.

When I got my first copy a few weeks later, I was a little surprised, a little disappointed.  It no longer had local listings with local channels.  Just a double-page grid showing what was playing on the major networks and cable channels from 7:00pm to 10:30pm.   What?  No daytime or late night listings?

Also, it no longer came out weekly.  More like twice a month.

It still included the classic TV Guide crossword puzzle & the Cheers n’ Jeers column, but I could tell who this magazine’s intended demographic was.  The cover stories were always about NCIS or Law & Order, and the advertisements were for things like walk-in bathtubs, Jitterbug flip-phones and “Genuine Swiss” cuckoo clocks.

To be honest, I got bored with it fast.  It became a coaster for my coffee cup and remote.  I always intended to read it but the next thing y’know, 2 weeks had passed and here’s the next issue.  

Pretty much a waste of my fifteen dollars, but I enjoyed the nostalgia of seeing it in my house again, at least.  Still, I had no intention of renewing my subscription so when I got a “TIME TO RENEW YOUR TV GUIDE” notice in the mail, I tossed it in the trash.

Then a couple weeks ago I got one labeled ‘2ND NOTICE’.   Gosh, they sure want that $15.00 of mine!  I opened it up out of curiosity, and frankly couldn’t believe what I saw inside:

 

They didn’t want $15.00—THEY WANTED 4 PAYMENTS OF $13.99—FOR ONE YEAR.  It says you’re getting a 56% discount, but who the hell is going to shell out $55.96 for a one year subscription to this magazine?

Anyway… I took the photo above to share on my blog, then changed my mind, gathered up their silly papers, threw them away and hoped no one else was coerced into paying that much money for this quaint mag. 

And then yesterday, this arrived.  Oh TV GUIDE… give it up!

 

 

Little Girl Blue: Forty years later and my heart aches just the same

A couple weeks ago, I was laying on my couch reading various book reviews on my e-reader when a pop-up window asked if I’d like to read a sample of Little Girl Blue: The Life of Karen Carpenter.  I declined.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know Karen, or the Carpenters.  As a kid in the early 70’s, I loved their sound… who didn’t?  I didn’t see myself as a huge fan, but I think I owned nearly all their record albums.

I can still remember where I was when I learned Karen Carpenter died.  I was working in the Lumber & Garden Supplies at our local Murphy’s Mart.  I was stacking paint and waiting for John E. (my cousin Jonna’s boyfriend and my coworker) to return from lunch so I could go. 

He came around the corner and said “Doug, you’re a big Carpenters fan, right?”

A little embarrassed he knew that but suddenly afraid of what he was going to say next, I just shook my head yes.  He said “I just heard on my car radio, Karen Carpenter died like an hour ago.”

Karen was 32 years old, almost 33.  She was 11 years older than me.  I’d seen her on Good Morning America just a month or so prior, she looked like she had stage 4 cancer.  Her tragic death both was and wasn’t a surprise.

Back in the present, Barnes & Noble sent another pop-up on my Nook.  “Are you sure you want to decline?  The sample is 50 pages long.”  I gave in and said okay, why not.  There was no way I was going to buy this book, I knew her life story inside & out and doubted this book would tell me anything I didn’t already know.  I was also sure it would contain a lot of hearsay which is why I prefer autobiographies over biographies. 

I was wrong, though.  Right away I could tell it was exceptional and halfway thru the sample, I paid the $11.00 for the e-book.  It laid out her life in very exact, chronological detail—from her parents’ parents origins in Chapter 1 to the days & years following Karen’s death in the final chapter.  There wasn’t a single quote that the author didn’t specify who made it, where and when.

A real bonus was readng this in e-book format; as the Carpenters success slowly but surely climbed with each page (and song), I could easily minimize that page, open Youtube and see or listen to every song and performance referenced for myself.  The book took much longer to read this way, but made it a very immersive experience.

It’s no surprise the New York Times gave this book 4 1/2 out of 5 stars.

I think we all know their beginnings:  very early on, Richard was recognized as a musical prodigy and treated as such by their mother Agnes.  At the same time, it’s evident Karen was also musically gifted but Agnes chalks it up to Karen idolizing her brother and doing her part to advance her brother’s career.  Agnes never came out and recognized Karen’s talent.  At least, not to the degree she did with Richard.

After the Carpenters achieved stardom, Agnes would often bring guests along to their concerts, and with a mirror installed above Richard’s piano keys, tell them “You’re not watching Richard’s hands!  Watch his hands!”

I thought instead of re-telling Karen’s story, I’d share 3 videos I watched while reading this book, and their poignancy.  This first one is a television performance from 1974, at the height of their fame (and when Karen was happiest).  After 3 years of prodding by Richard and their record label to “stop singing behind the drums”, Karen was finally comfortable being out in front. 

Later on, while watching this at home with her family, Karen asked if she looked fat.  (She was 5’4” and weighed 145 lbs.)  Her father and brother said no.  Always honest to a fault, her mother told her yes.

 

A year later, Karen would be 25 pounds lighter and the more her mother insisted she stop losing, the more Karen continued to diet.  She was finally in control of one aspect of her life, at least.

In 1976, after Richard completed writing “I Need to Be in Love”, Karen broke down while singing it.  She told her brother she identified too much with the song, but Richard knew this was when she sounded her best.  For the remainder of her life, Karen would declare this “her song” but have difficulty performing it.  

And finally, this is a performance on Danish television in late 1981.  Unlike America, viewers were unaccustomed to Karen’s gaunt appearance and the network’s switchboards were flooded with calls demanding to know what was wrong with her. 

When the Carpenters were told this, Karen was devastated.  After spending the past couple years hovering at 80 pounds, Karen now weighed 98 lbs and thought she looked perfect, even telling friends Olivia Newton-John and Dionne Warwick “I finally have an ass again!”

Fifteen years after her death, her therapist wrote a book on her eating disorder and the 300 anorexic patients he worked with in his 30 year career.  He claimed they were all success stories, except one.  Karen Carpenter.

He added that in all those years, Karen was the only patient who’s family never reached out to him about her progress.  He didn’t understand how someone so loved the world over could be so alone in her personal life.

I made it thru the entire book with only a couple of tears (though I had a lump in my throat for two weeks straight).  And then in it’s last pages, a story was shared about Karen’s solo album.  In 1979, while Richard was in rehab for drug addiction, Karen went to him about making a solo album.  She wouldn’t do it if he said no.  He told her she didn’t need his permission, she said she wasn’t asking for it.  She wanted his blessing.  He finally gave it.

A year later, she presented her album to him and A&M Records.  After listening to it, Richard said it was inferior “and a poor copy of the Carpenters sound”.  Heartbroken, Karen shelved it at his and A&M’s request.  In 1996, 13 years after Karen’s death, Richard decided to release Karen’s solo album and asked the record company for any documents or liner notes his sister had written for the album.  They said the only thing available was Karen’s dedication to Richard “With all my heart, Karen”.  When Richard was told this, he broke down crying.  Darn it, so did I.

Like everything else, her solo album is available on Youtube.  Below is an instrumental piece Richard wrote for a movie about his sister in 1989.  Karen, we love and miss you still.

Chen’s Red Shoes & other Asians I’ve known

For as long as I’ve lived at my address, I’ve known an Asian man (more specifically, Chinese) who lives here too, but I’m unsure which floor he’s on.  He’s younger than me by 10-15 years, but we’re the same height & build (5’8” and chubby) and I share that because I wonder if that’s the reason he’s so friendly with me.  He always greets me the same way—“Haha, hey!  Hi!” like we’re old acquaintances who haven’t seen each other for awhile. 

Let me think… should I know him from somewhere?  Nope, I don’t think so!

Friday I was coming home from a dental appointment, feeling pretty… relaxed from the Valium my doc gave me, when I saw my Chinese man outside.  He was holding an iphone in one hand and a cigarette (yuk) in the other, and was wearing the reddest pair of Adidas shoes I’ve ever seen.  He saw me and waved, and I thought of the recent ugly headlines of attacks on Asian Americans, so instead of just waving back I approached him and said “Hey there!  I like your shoes!” 

He smiled and nodded at me, but I could see the confusion in his eyes.  Maybe he didn’t speak a lot of English?   I pointed down at his feet and said “Very cool!” and gave him a thumbs up, and I think this time he got it, because he said “Hank you!!”  I said “I’m Doug!”  and he said “Chen!” and we just stood there nodding and smiling.  I said “Well… bye!” and came inside.  He followed me in, and as I checked my mail he said “Doug!” and held up his phone.  On it’s screen was a pair of his red shoes, on a website called Zappos. 

I thanked him, but yikes—they were priced at $94.00!

I read recently that Asians make up 60% of the people on our planet; how is it that I can count on two hands the number of them I’ve known in my life personally?  Growing up in my hometown of Waynesburg PA, there wasn’t an Asian in my school to be found.  Come to think of it, we didn’t even have a Chinese restaurant until I’d moved away!  The only Asian I knew back then was Mrs. Livingston, a Japanese woman who helped raise a widower’s son on The Courtship of Eddie’s Father.

“Mister Eddie Father not come home for dinner again?  Little Eddie need more than nourishment to grow up and be a man.  He need… his father!” 

Not including the Asians I know online (bloggers Kay of Musings and Gigi-Hawaii), I’ve gotten to know probably 10 Asians total in my years in the city.

A few of them instantly come to mind like Gao Y., a Chinese woman I worked with in 1989 at my first IT job in Pittsburgh.  Her husband was a professor at nearby Pitt University, and she only moved here from Beijing a few years earlier (yet spoke English fluently).  She gave me ‘lunch lectures’ on everything from where to buy soup downtown to what type of girl I should marry.  And then there was Ping C., a VERY petite Japanese coworker in her fifties who sat “over the wall” from me.  She ate things like raw eel or octopus wrapped in seaweed everyday for lunch, and one time when I called out “Ping, can’t you eat something that doesn’t smell like mildew?” she cackled and said “Just wait!  I’m going to live to be 200 and show you all!” 

I very much believed it. 

But I’d have to say my favorite was Andy H., a Vietnamese man I met my first day on the job at UPMC Health Plan in November 2000.  He was considerably younger than myself, and his business attire was the same as his sense of humor—VERY sharp.  He loved to taunt you, but it was all in good fun; Andy didn’t have a mean bone in his body.

He called me Doug-Luss or White-Boy (when we were alone), and he’d come to my desk on Fridays and say things like “What are you doing this weekend white boy, sitting in front of your tv for 2 days and eating cereal?  I’m taking my wife to best steakhouse in town—then picking up our NEW MERCEDES SUV on way home!”

A couple years ago when I saw Crazy Rich Asians, all I could think of was Andy 

One time in early 2001, when “political correctness” was all the rage in the corporate sector, UPMC was offering torturous 3 hour training classes throughout the week on being PC.  You weren’t required to attend unless your manager asked you to, but Andy chose to go one morning to score points with our boss. 

After Andy was through, he came over to my desk and told me if I knew what was good for me, I’d attend the next session.  I joked back “I’m already the most pc worker in this office, go sit your commie ass down.”  Not TWO seconds later, our manager came around the corner and Andy said “Len—did you hear what this white boy just said to me!” 

Len said to Andy “What did you just say?”  Andy said “I SAID, did you hear what this—I mean Doug-Luss” and Len stopped him.  He asked “When’s the next PC training?”  and Sarah (who sat one row over) told him that afternoon.  Len said “Andy you’re going.”  Andy said “But I just GOT BACK from one!” and Len said “Then maybe this time you’ll listen!” 

After Len walked away, we all had a good laugh—even Andy, who swore he’d get his revenge. 

Hmm, I want to look money like Andy--maybe I’ll buy Chen’s pricey red shoes after all!

 

 

10 Reasons why I’m quitting Netflix for awhile… I don’t know, maybe forever

 

Last night I was sitting here with Netflix open on my TV, scrolling thru the rows of different movie genres, series, etc. looking for something appealing.

Then I did what I usually do; got tired of browsing and put on ‘live tv’ to MSNBC.

While listening to the usual row of talking heads, I opened my laptop and saw an entertainment news item about streaming service CBS Access becoming Paramount Plus on March 4. 

By the time I went to bed last night, it was 3:10 am and I was a CBS Access-Paramount Plus member (with plans to cancel my Netflix subscription before the next billing cycle).  So what happened before bed?

My Top 10 Reasons why I’m switching from Netflix to CBS All-Access

1.  You can’t beat Netflix only costing $10.00 a month, and there’s a large selection on there… so why do I spend more time hunting for something to watch than actual watching?

2.  CBS Access (becoming Paramount Plus on March 4) is only $4.99 a month if you allow limited ads. 

3.  IF YOU SIGN UP FOR 1 YEAR BY MARCH 4, YOU’LL GET 50% OFF.  I did and it cost me one payment of $29.99.  I’m paid up thru March 2022.

4.  Paramount Plus is coming with an additional 2,500 movies. 

5.  NEW PARAMOUNT (MGM & OTHER STUDIO) MOVIES WILL STREAM AT NO ADDITIONAL COST 4-6 WEEKS AFTER PLAYING IN THEATERS.

6.  IF YOU’RE A STAR TREKKO LIKE ME…  There are three new Star Trek series with a fourth Trek series “Strange New Worlds” coming this year.  Um, this should be my No.1 reason.

7.  The New Twilight Zone.  Stephen King’s The Stand as a series.  The Good Fight, from the makers of The Good Wife.  I’m itching to see these too.

8.  New episodes of Frasier are being produced.  FRASIER.  For this streaming service only.  I think I’m going to cry.

9.  The Smithsonian Channel—an old favorite of mine which was dropped from my ‘Expanded Basic’ cable back in 2013—is included here, with nearly 1,000 documentaries.

10. I enjoyed the first night of service so much I couldn’t bring myself to turn off the tv & go to bed until it was past 3am.  That’s a big difference from hunting & scrolling.

I’m a firm believer in “too much of a good thing” and there’s already too much to watch on cable.  I just figure, 30 bucks gets you an ENTIRE YEAR.  Even if you hardly use it, you can’t beat that.

I should ALSO mention I’m not a sports fan, but apparently Paramount Plus will be very “sports heavy”, with NFL, NBA, The Masters, international stuff.  Hm.

That’s all I have for now—were the commercials too much?  Not really, they were indeed ‘limited interruptions’.  But since I couldn’t fast forward thru them, I used the few breaks to make a cup of coffee, brush my teeth, run to the bathroom. 

Dealing with them reminded me of the old days, before we could record tv shows on our newfangled videocassette recorders and just press FF later.  It looks like we’re right back where we started from!

 

When it comes to movies, I don’t scare easily… and then there was this

It’s true.  I’m not trying to sound like a tough guy, but you can sit me down in front of any horror movie and it’s not going to frighten or bother me too much. 

This past Saturday I watched “Saint Maud”, a young palliative nurse who’s devoted her life to God.  But she’s losing her mind, and begins thinking up some jaw dropping exercises in self torture to do penance.  It’s horror on a new level, and after it was over I had a cup of warm cocoa and went to bed.  Sweet dreams!

And then there was this.  A couple nights ago I saw “I Care A Lot” and I can’t get it out of my mind.  It made me angry and uncomfortable more than anything, and the ending provided little relief.  The star of the show (pictured here, Rosamund Pike) quipped “It has something for everybody!” and I know she’s an actress, but I still thought Yes it has something for everybody if they own a concentration camp or two.

I’m not going to give anything “good” away, it’s basically this:  Rosamund plays Marla, a so-called guardian appointed by the courts who (with the help of some shady doctors offices and nursing homes expecting kickbacks) targets senior citizens who live alone. 

She’ll have them declared a danger to themselves, get their social security signed over to some dowdy facility while Marla sells the person’s home and pockets the proceeds… along with their life savings.

In that photo above, Marla displays a wall of her victims like a hunter would display the heads of animals he’s bagged.  And then one day she gets a call of a “real cherry”, a woman (Dianne Wiest) who is 70 years old and lives alone. 

No family of her own, Diane owns a beautiful Cape Cod in a wealthy neighborhood.  Her life is a full one of swimming, painting, gardening… and Marla’s going to take it all away, learning later Dianne has a secret.  A dangerous one.

Marla doesn’t care.  She never loses.  NEVER.  “I’m a lioness, not a lamb!”  She’s the anti-hero you secretly admire and wish you could be, so rich, so successful, a businesswoman who takes no prisoners--

Except she’s not.   She’s not a businesswoman, just some crummy thief with no moral compass.  Her nursing home “pigeons” are fed a steady diet of pills to keep them from fighting the system until they die, confused & alone. 

She’s guilty of elder abuse on a massive scale.  

Netflix bills this as a ‘thriller slash black comedy’.  It just felt vulgar to me, these older people’s final years and legacies stolen from them by 1-2 people who know the system.  I kept thinking What if that was my mom, and none of us kids were there to protest?  And look at me, I’ve never married, no kids… Dianne Weist is only 10 years older than me.

Why doesn’t Netflix make a movie about child sex trafficking and call that “deliciously nasty” too?   Is one abuse less atrocious than the other?

Am I being too unkind here, taking this too personally?  Shortly after I finished watching the movie, I saw on the local news where the administrator of a large nursing home in Pittsburgh (in Mt. Lebanon no less, a pretty upscale neighborhood) has been directing staffers for years to falsify records, to make it appear the facility met federal and state staffing requirements. 

It turns out the home has been seriously understaffed and patients went uncared for.  Is it just me or do we hear of this type of thing too often?

Here’s a trailer for the movie… maybe it is delicious as one critic said.  For myself, it just hit too close to home.