It's like, things are getting better and progression during the pandemic is happening. 

But then, when thinking about the human toll of COVID-19, it's seriously beyond grasping.

"A nation numbed by misery and loss is confronting a number that still has the power to shock: 500,000.

Roughly one year since the first known death by the coronavirus in the United States, an unfathomable toll is nearing — the loss of half a million people.

No other country has counted so many deaths in the pandemic. More Americans have perished from Covid-19 than on the battlefields of World War I, World War II and the Vietnam War combined."

From the February 21, 2021, New York Times story A Ripple Effect of Loss: U.S. Covid Deaths Approach 500,000. Written by Julie Bosman.

Over the past week on two different occasions, I randomly recognized people I know (even with their masks on) while walking down a subway platform and a Brooklyn street.

But because of COVID-19, I of course did not say anything and kept walking on.

My bed is truly my world.

I do almost everything from it. It's the most used piece of furniture in my room, especially since the pandemic. It's my couch, where I do work from, watch tv, and even where I had my last terrifying nightmare.

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day. 

Be kind. Eradicate racism.

A kind stranger on the street just wished me good morning and I’m all about this energy.

While eating something just now, it was the first time the ends of my bangs crept into my mouth. My hair is so long at this point that I can tie a short ponytail. I haven't cut it since last March.

Yo 2020,

don't you come near me.

Tired of your stunts, see?

Had more than plenty.

Be gone in the morning,

cause you ain't friendly.

When the new year comes,

your end won't bring envy.

Good morning, and happy New Year’s Eve!

I just woke up from a weird dream and since it’s the last day of the year, rather than go back to bed to grab a bit more sleep before I start work, I thought I’d stay up.

I dreamt this good friend of mine who I care deeply about was in town and over my place. It wasn’t in the apartment I’m living in now, though, but his visit was such a pleasant surprise that when he spontaneously suggested we go party somewhere (although we knew we shouldn’t because of the pandemic), I immediately said yes. As we were getting ready, my middle sister came home and began venting about her rough day so we invited her out as well. The three of us weren’t sure where to go, but we walked around some industrial area while helicopters flew about above the Manhattan sky. The next thing I know, we’re in some secret warehouse party where everyone is dancing and having fun. At one point I find myself staring at this tv monitor of the dance floor and I watch my friend spot a guy he thinks is cute before making a direct b-line for this dude to hit on him. This sort of upsets me because I have a crush on my friend and I decide to leave the party to get some air. While I’m outside, I see the cops about to swarm the party and I try to text my sister and friend to warn them. That’s when all of the partygoers slowly start exiting the huge building and I eventually spot my sister. I ask where the friend is and she said he ditched us to hang with that new guy he had just met. The cops are trying to herd everyone in to these tents while making everyone change into hazmat suits but I grab my sister and say we still have to go party somewhere. I double check with her to make sure she hadn’t taken off her mask inside the warehouse at any point and she confirms she didn’t, so we slip away from the side and escape. We end up wandering these small houses and shops that remind me of the side streets of Khao San in Bangkok. The two of us are linked arm-in-arm with our masks on and trying to find someplace to grab a drink or some food but since it’s a few minutes past the NYC 10pm curfew, everything is about to close or is closed.We eventually stumble onto this small spot selling Jamaican oxtail about to close up shop but still has some customers dining inside. The storefront isn’t like one in NYC, it’s like an old school spot in Thailand where all of the large windows are open and circulating fresh air. When my sister gets in line to order and I go to grab us seats, that’s when I woke up.

I always wake up really happy when I have dreams about this friend of mine.

My friend Judy got me a rice cooker for Christmas this year. It's one of those fancy electronic ones and its cute size is perfect for a single mofo like myself. I just broke it in for the first time today, and it already feels better than the small aluminum ramen pot I was previously using to make rice over the stovetop. I very much enjoyed my meal before of rice and banchan with some SPAM and eggs I fried up, and am still full and happy from it. Lately, I've been craving simple Korean food to eat at home, so I'm thinking this new kitchen gadget will really come in handy for the winter.

I had a good Christmas this year. Last week, I woke up early on Tuesday to go to the CityMD near me so I could get a COVID-19 test. I wasn't feeling sick or anything, but it was a precautionary measure for the holidays. The line there was already super long even an hour before it opened, and it took me a little less than two hours to get to the front of it. Once there, they took down my name and phone number and told me they would text me in about six hours so I could come back and actually get tested. It was good that I got there early in the morning when I did, because I know a lot of people were turned away from a lack of availability. And luckily, it only took about three hours for them to contact me. Once I returned to the CityMD, I was in-and-out in about five minutes. It was super easy and fast, and I received my negative results via email within an hour.

Even though my parents live about 30 minutes away from me in New Jersey, I hadn't seen them in six months because of the pandemic. My family ended up not meeting up for Thanksgiving because we didn't realize that the lines for COVID-19 tests around then would be so insane. So we all decided to plan better for Christmas and try and gather now instead.

Spending time with my parents was great. Even though we talk on the phone regularly, it was nice to catch up in person. I had fun crashing on their couch while eating and drinking and doing nothing but spending time with one another. I think it really recharged me. I feel like I've been stuck in my room forever, just working and feeling isolated from so many things. To hug my parents and feel their embrace and hands in mine, I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas gift. Together with my sisters and brother-in-law, we ate so much food and laughed and chilled. 

I hope you all had a merry and safe holiday as well.

It's amazing how helpful memes can be. I've had plenty of nights this year when I'm lying in bed super late and just laughing my ass off from them. And I mean like the genuinely cracking up, laugh-so-hard-you-can't-breath laughing. The deep type where clutching your stomach to hold on for dear life is the only thing you can do. It's like you're completely free for a moment and filled with this intense joy. Holy shit, what a good time. The feeling has been on mind a lot the past few months. With it, my mind keeps going back to this early memory from high school. It must've been during my sophomore year, but I'm standing with a group of friends in front of the Flushing Main Street Public Library (which was pretty new at the time). I think we had all just eaten together somewhere nearby in Main Street and probably hung out at some cafe for a bit, and we were there to wait for the Q17 so one of my friends could take it. I only remember my friend Natalia being there, because out of all of us, she was laughing the hardest. I don't remember what we were talking about or why, but I was trying to be funny and had everyone doubled over, and that in turn made me laugh harder. We had all started laughing back while eating, and by the time we were at the bus stop, we were laughing so hard that we could barely stand. The sound of Natalia laughing especially made me happy, and this epiphany that someone could think I was funny while being myself, well, I still remember that. Knowing I was gay at that age and desperately not trying to stick out had me normally holding back a lot of who I was. And it was only while immersed in this circle (all-girls, and I am still friends with) did I feel allowed to be silly, therefore feel seen. Don't get me wrong, I grew up with two older sisters and usually had them laughing a lot about dumb shit too. But this was different, because I was still getting to know these friends, and usually stayed quiet as a form of avoiding rejection. It's funny how laughter can bring back the weirdest memories.

America's first vaccination for COVID-19 happened today, but the country also past 300,000 deaths in the pandemic.

I'm so happy 2020 is coming to an end. Like, it's finally here and just weeks away.

I've been going out and partying since I was in high school.

At 16, it was while ordering bottles of Johnnie Walker at a Ktown club called News. As all the straight guys I was with tried to mack it to the older girls around us, I was doing shots and dancing. At 18, I was at Exit every Friday. And it's no wonder that after just working and stressing in my room for so long throughout COVID-19, it's nice to chill out and remember dancing as an escape.

I think hearing the blaring sirens of cop cars, firetrucks, and ambulances constantly all damn day and night since March, on top of motorcycles, horns honking, and engines revving from my street is starting to get to me...

The past few weeks or so.

The election is only weeks away. On top of everything that's been happening in the world and in my life, I have this lingering anxiety from not knowing how I can deal with another four years of this administration if they win again. Shit is so fucked up right now because of them. I am mentally drained, exhausted, and tell myself to keep pushing on. But another part of me wants to eat in bed and tune everything out. I feel like soon after Trump was elected four years ago, dysfunction became normalized. And his absolute lack of competence and the onset of COVID-19 has just compounded that, on top of Americans having to contend with basically everything we see on the news on a daily basis along with all of fucked up racism Black people and other minorities in this country face. Seven months of staying home and quarantining with a recent uptick in cases all over America has made life feel like this never-ending cycle of hopelessness. There are days and moments where things might feel okay, but when it comes down to it, this pandemic is still happening—and as of now, 220,000 Americans have died because of it and over 8 million have contracted COVID-19. It's like, how does one even process this without breaking down into tears? We are living in a crisis. I am numb at this point and try and force myself to forge on with my days, but I have my moments. This continuous feeling of isolation and loneliness sometimes feels like too much. I mean, I definitely only felt the warmth of another body on my skin a handful of times in the past few years, but dealing with this same problem throughout 2020 definitely feels extra difficult. Whenever I am actually faced with (or allow myself to) to grasp the realities of right now or how life was before COVID-19, I can't help but shed tears from despair. I woke up today remembering the day after the 2016 election. I won't ever forget it because going to work that morning, it wasn't just me who was in shock. I remember getting on the subway and it was complete silence and stillness, even though the train was filled with people. In all of my life of living in NYC, it was a remarkable sight to see. Nobody was talking, nobody was staring into their phones, nobody was doing anything. Everyone just seemed paralyzed in a sense, unable to comprehend what had just happened. Just the thought of having to relive that trauma again feels overwhelming. I just want to make it through the rest of October, period. I'm not aiming to achieve or accomplish anything. All I want is to get through it as best as I can.

N95 face masks for the subway and enclosed spaces, blue medical masks otherwise.

Being home for most of each day, cleaning my floor daily is something that brings so much relief and pleasure.

It's been ordered by the New York Governor that beginning at 8pm tonight, any non-essential workers are expected to stay home. Starting tomorrow, the only people commuting and on the streets will be from certain jobs and industries currently considered essential. The subways will be running and people can go out for food and walks, but people must remain 6-feet apart and social distance. And if you don't have to leave your home, just stay put.

Since last Monday, everything in New York has pretty much shut down. Throughout the week with every passing day, it's been closure after closure. So many different fabrics of society have been impacted, with people losing their jobs and many businesses now just trying to stay afloat.

It's like all of a sudden, life feels very different. Human contact is no longer the foundation to our everyday interactions but the part that we're trying to avoid. This change has altered everything we know.

The bar and restaurant industry was one of the earliest casualties of it all. Seeing what's happened to so many places is absolutely devastating. These small businesses were incubators of community, livelihoods, and culture and there's a shock that comes with them suddenly not being there.