Contrast

As we age, the contrast of events in our current life or memories from our past life seem greater or maybe lesser. What do you think? 

For instance, I am so emotionally high with my grandchildren. While I love my children, I do not remember my heart bursting with joy every time I saw them. Perhaps that was, because I saw my children every day and the reality is you see them clean and dirty, calm and emotional, happy and angry, energetic and tired?  They see you the same and are not always willing to share or even want to spend time with you.

My grandchildren, in my case, are seen maybe every other month, and the older ones are  on their best behavior (lucky me). The baby is most times, but even when crying she is precious and vulnerable.  She also changes dramatically from week to week and she now crawls around the room.

As for long-ago memories, I remember bits and pieces while my husband, who has been diagnosed with "mild cognitive impairment", remembers every detail of his youth...or it seems that way.

Also, my personality wants to slow down, and maybe think on past memories, while my husband wants passionately to make new ones while talking endlessly about past events.

We had a visit from a friend this past week who we have known for many years.  She came with her second husband who has been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and for whom a two-hour car trip  (which this was) is a big challenge.  He was quiet and pleasant, which is the same as his former peonality.  He is slow and unstable.  She is full of plans, building her next new house and running her small farm with a new chicken house being built, and training her dogs for dog shows, which is the same as her former personality.  Yet, they live happily on these two planes of existence and seem to be able to meet in the middle.

I do think age has given me a clearer perspective on time and the passage o time and my life in that spectrum.  Perhaps.  (These sunsets were taken last night as a big acold front moved in.  That high cloud makes for great light bounce.)

Where Does the Time Go?

One of my kind followers noted that I had not posted in some time. And, of course, since I have been in a mid-winter doldrums slump, there might be a reason for concern. I am still not quite in a happy place. I am older, tire more easily, and have trouble facing challenges with the tenacity that I used to bring to the forefront. It is normal for us agers.

Yes, I keep pushing through exercise two or three times a week.  About 30 minutes of intense free weights or maybe running over 3 miles on the elliptical.  This assures me my death will be quick when it comes  ;-).

2023 began with a frump or a dump or something that has even less enthusiasm than I do.  2023 was full frontal.  The gal that was a secretary at one of my last jobs passed away from cancer, and I did not know she was even fighting it!  My daughter's father-in-law passed after a long and difficult illness bringing guilty relief to his wife who now has a big change in the hours of each day. Two people from our Master Gardeners group of 40 or so also passed. Hubby was sick for a week with a cold or flu.  Not badly sick, just annoying fatigue.  Son and daughter-in-law visited with the sweet baby who was NOT sick for a change, but their dog did vomit on my carpet!  And they have my carpet cleaner up at their house!  I seem to be having brief dizziness when I move too quickly and I do monitor my blood pressure which does not seem unusually high.  Yes, this means I probably should call the Doc.  This is all in January which is not even past.

Today we are driving up to my daughter's house to exchange Christmas gifts.  It was either this Monday in late January or we wait until the end of March!  Their calendars are terribly full with all three children in activities and hubby involved in golf.  This will all come to an abrupt end in a few years and I hope my daughter is ready for the sudden end to running around!

I try very hard to focus away from the chaos that this world is going to be in for the next ten years, according to a Massachusetts Institute of Technology professor.  I have been reading Yeats, Mary Oliver, and Elizabeth Strout.  I did not like Olive Kitteridge by Strout as the people in the book are the kind of people that I avoid and possibly why I am an introvert.  I did find Lucy by the Sea and Oh, William! more redeeming.

I have included a few winter sunsets taken from my back deck.  I know, QUITCHER BITCHEN!

May your 2023 be filled with honest love, restorative peace, and forgivable errors.

That is Odd

Do all old people get idiosyncratic or is it just I? 

I find myself counting the stairsteps in my house when I go up or down. Not ALL the time, but fairly often. There are 15 in case you wonder. 

I do not leave discarded clothes on the floor of my closet if I am heading out to town. I at least fold them on the chair that I have in the closet. I think to myself, what if for some reason, a car accident or heart attack, I do not make it home and my daughter has to come down here to get my clothes and then sees how messy I live? (Sort of like that mom telling you to always wear clean underwear in the event you are in a car accident?)

I hate plastic but I still compulsively buy ziplock bags.  Most of my stuff is stored in glass-lidded containers, so why do I keep ziplock bags?  Some day I will make a list of when I use them and think of alternatives.

I put stuff away before the housecleaner comes so that all the surfaces are neat and tidy...it does make it easier for her to clean or dust.

I save all those stupid holiday catalogs thinking I will need them and stack them neatly on the couch near where I sit.  That stack stays unmoved for weeks, and I have never ordered from any of them!

Each night I tell myself that I will be more proactive in getting things done the next day and it happens... about one out of every 8 days. (In all honesty, this is probably not just an old-timers thing.)

Got any unusual compulsive behaviors that others may notice but which are who you are?

Does Anything Stay the Same Anymore?

The older I get, the more I find myself fitting in the mold of an old doddering lady. I always pictured (hoped) that I would become the stylish, skinny, and upper-middle-class grandma; the one that was sharp as a tack and that everyone loved to talk to for a brief time.

Ha!  I wish I was skinny, certainly no longer upper middle class with this inflation, and while some days, I am sharp as a tack, other days I wander around in a fog trying to remember what I was planning on finishing before starting dinner.  Stylish is something I attempt about two or three times a year.  Most days I wander around in old sweatsuits, or jeans and a sweatshirt.

Yesterday we had to drive up to the city to visit our financial advisor at my husband's insistence even though I wanted to wait until after the holidays.  Hubby's dementia meant he could follow very little of what happened at the hour-long meeting, but hubby was right in that we had not met face-to-face in a few years and it did help personalize our relationship with our advisor.  This advisor is the son of our original advisor and has now taken over our account.  His father has retired and is now taking care of his wife through a long-term illness, sadly.  Hubby also was right in that we got to meet up for a quick lunch with our son and his wife.  Sadly we did not see the baby who was in daycare.

Since this filled the whole day, I moved my list of holiday and other things to do, to today.  Unbeknownst to me, hubby had volunteered to give a presentation in February as part of our Master Gardeners projects for the public.  They are given at the library.  I got cc'd in an email from the coordinator since hubby had not been responding to her emails and that is how I learned about the commitment.  I explained to him that I could not help with this before the holidays as I just had too much on my list.  

That was never going to happen as he insisted he had to start the presentation and download the photos from his phone today.  Well, there went the better part of the day!  I started to work on downloading photos from his phone (a different model and make than mine) and then have him attach them in an email to himself since my USB connection did not work with his phone.  I selected 8 or 10 photos and then asked him to go through that list and delete down to four in the attachment since the email provider would not transfer more than that.  An hour later, I thought he was deleting but he had spiraled down to somewhere else and was back selecting photos, or something as he would not show me! 

I am afraid I lost my patience as I had so wanted this day to get myself a little better organized.  I just now left him with his computer and then heard him calling someone on the phone asking how to get emails off of his phone onto his computer.  It may be my busy son who is working from home, I do not know.  But he will patiently take him through screen after screen,... perhaps.  Or he will tell him to call tonight.

Part of this anger is resentment, I know.  Resentment that he does not participate in any of the holiday preparation.  He says he "hates" shopping and therefore, never buys any gifts for anyone and has never done so even before his dementia.   He says he is not able to wrap gifts, either.  He is not a cook, but with dementia, I do not think he should be attempting any of the holiday cooking anyway.  Each year I have asked him to help with the holiday greetings that we mail, although I pull together the card design, and the list of addresses, and set him up at the table.  I have done this for years and he loves writing a message to friends and family.  Fingers crossed this year.

One would think I would be adjusting to this change by now!!  And those of you who are wondering why I am taking time to blog when I have so much to do...who knows...guess it is my therapy for the day.

Well, done venting, thank you for listening and I know...I know...the font is off again!!

Are the Holidays a Wind-up?

I sit this morning in the early dark drinking my strong black coffee with just enough sweetened cream to take the edge off.  I slept over seven hours which is my regular routine. While my sleep is filled with dreams these days, I do feel rested.  Hubby is still deep in slumber and will sleep closer to ten hours.  He is an energizer bunny with projects during the day and that activity coupled with his slight dementia means he will sleep through a long night.

The home across the river and a few houses up from us already has its holiday lights along the dock.  The weather has been cold for days with just enough of a breeze to make it feel much colder.  We have been putting off stringing the outside holiday lights hoping the weather will moderate somewhat.  While we have no snow and do not face the drama and hard work the folks north of us have endured, we are older and feeling it in our bones more each year.

Today I have to plan which pies I will bring to my daughter's house for Thanksgiving.  My three grandchildren and my son-in-law do not like fruit pies and so I am left to make some cloying sweet pies such as an Oreo cookie monster.  I will probably go ahead and make a key lime pie because I have a dozen kafir limes from my tree that need to be used while they are somewhat fresh.  I will also bring a side dish of sausage stuffing which they claim to like and which I make each year with Italian sausage and lots of herbs.  My daughter is ordering the rest from the local grocery.  We seem to be doing it lighter each year.

We cannot arrive the night before since my daughter has close friends that are using their guest room as a stopping place on their way north to visit their own family for the holidays.  So, we will arrive mid-morning and quickly say hello and goodbye to the guests which we know, eat our Thanksgiving dinner with the family, and then head back home mid-afternoon because my daughter and her family are then heading north for Thanksgiving with the in-laws the rest of the weekend.  My daughter's father-in-law has a form of MS which now requires he be placed in a care facility.  It is a sad time for all.  

My son and his wife are spending Thanksgiving out of state with his wife's family this year, so our long weekend will be quieter.

Ooops, my son just texted and said they may not be heading through the nasty snow to Erie after all.  Their little baby is fighting a long-term cold.  I invited them to join us at my daughter's and then come down here for the weekend where I can wait on them.  Seems everything is up in the air.  

I am an old lady and will certainly handle it all with aplomb (that is still a word, right?) as I am not going without electricity like those in Ukraine, and I am not facing grief like those who lost a child, significant other, or brother or sister in Colorado in the recent "mass shooting", and I am not spending the day in a holding shelter like so many that are homeless or those around the world who are refugees waiting for a reprieve.  I am winding up my one precious and privileged life slowly, ever so slowly.

I look for the light because the perception of where we are and who we are and where we are going is dependent upon finding light each day.

And...the Rest of the Story

My prior post on our trip to Pittsburgh provided a quick overview of a city that was once part of "America's Rust Belt". Pittsburgh was referred to as the steel city because Andrew Carnegie developed a process to make steel both durably and inexpensively.  There were many blue-collar jobs available at the turn of the 20th Century.  This is also why it was called the city of bridges which are so loved; produced through locally made steel.  

The steel industry is also why their professional football team is called the Steelers.  Along with this industrial success, there came tremendous water and air pollution.  Today the air is clear to the eye, but unseen microparticulate still causes days when breathing the air is unhealthy and they struggle to keep their air healthy.

The city has moved its economy to self-driving car manufacturing, robotics, and medical advances.

While we were there we stayed in the downtown area next to the convention center.  Our hotel was on a busy street next door to a Charter school for elementary children.  We saw them walking from one building to another on a mid-day break and all were minority children.  Full of energy.  If you want to know what a Charter School is go here.

We took an Uber to the botanical gardens on the second day and upon our return mid-afternoon, the Uber driver could not drive down the block to our hotel.  We waited a few minutes and then he made a U-Turn and went around a block to drop us off just South of our hotel.  It was only a block away, so we had no problem.

As I walked to the hotel, I saw the following:

At first, I thought someone famous must be staying at our hotel which is across the street from this news photographer.  But nope.  When I asked, it seems there had been a couple of shots fired into one of the buildings across the street.  Perhaps the building between the school and our hotel?  Needless to say the local pedestrians did not seem at all concern as they wheeled their toddler into the restaurant and we asked the policeman if we could cross the red tape into our hotel...which he let us do.  City life in America is indeed strange.

Like a Bad (But Shiny) Penny

I returned over a week ago from our Pennsylvania/Michigan car trip. The primary reason for the trip was to help my husband's stepsister celebrate her 94th birthday. They have not met face-to-face in over a decade. Blended families can be that way and since his father remarried (to my husband's mother) they spent little time growing up together. As often happens with old people, reconnection (this time hours by phone) meant they wanted to see each other as the years are getting more valuable. 

Since it was fall, I was looking forward to such a car trip and was rewarded with lovely hardwood trees and bright dry grasses and golden farm fields with traditional barns, and nice weather except for one day of rain.  

We first visited Pittsburgh for the reason that it made a nice stop on the way north.  We were there for three days.  The walk from our hotel downtown made me think that Pittsburgh was nothing but mediocre restaurants and kitschy stalls selling Steelers merchandise.  The small crowds were a bit loud and later in the day a bit drunk.  The service at the mid-cost restaurants was very good, though.  In the beginning, I was not impressed.

I was glad that I had booked a tour for each of the two full days we were there.  Driving around on our own would have meant we missed so much to say nothing of the difficulty in finding parking in a city.  The tour helped me see how rich Pittsburgh was in history and heroes.  

Mr. Rogers

Mr. Rogers of children's TV fame was a native and had his own statue on the river in downtown.  This was funded by Bunny Mellon of the rich Mellon family.  Bunny was a friend of his.  

We toured the city itself to learn that both sports stadiums were horseshoe shaped to allow fans to see the river as well as the game. I learned about the famous "immaculate reception" of player, Franco Harris, which helped the Pittsburgh Steelers win their first playoff game in franchise history in 1972. 

Historian, David McCullough, was also a native with a bridge dedicated in his honor.  

The city is really beautiful despite the few homeless tents along the river walk.  Two rivers come together which helped spur the city's growth in its early history when water was the primary form of transportation for moving and processing steel.  

Taken from the hilltop at the end of a cable car ride.

And then we traveled on to visit the famous Falling Waters house of Frank Lloyd Wright fame just outside the city.  I was not able to get reservations inside, but the outside was inspiring.  There is another architectural wonder, Kentuck  Nob, but that has to wait for another trip.

This is a very short version of the trip but perhaps wets your taste to travel to a smaller city that you do not know enough about and that has a reputation that is rougher than it deserves.