Open A Window

My fur babies prefer my partner to me. When he leaves for work, they stand at the door and whine. I work from home and I’m here, yet they pine away at the door for a good half hour. Once they realize he’s gone, they go back to their respective pet beds and go to sleep for the day.

When he walks through the door, it’s happy happy joy joy. Our one cat jumps and spins in circles like a dog chasing its tail. And the dog practically knocks him over with a hug.

This is what gets me. When they want something, they come to me. If it’s time for a treat, or their food bowls are empty, I get nudged. When it’s time for nighty night, I get nudged. They stand outside the bedroom door with a look that says time for bed…NOW!

I don’t get a reaction when I come home from an errand. No one spins in circles chasing their tail. I don’t get knocked over. In fact when I get home, they are all sitting on the couch with other daddy.

Jealous much? I think I am.

Every Sunday since the pandemic, my partner and I have logged onto our church services. We have belonged to this church since we made the move to Ohio. The church and its members have welcomed us with open arms. As we watch our priests, the organist and one congregation member have service in an empty space, I wonder what it will be like to be in that building again. I wonder if we will wear masks, separate ourselves with the measured six feet, nod our heads rather than hug during the peace.

When the pandemic started the bishop permitted very few parishioners to celebrate in person. We were all given a time and day when we could be in the actual building. As the positive numbers of covid grew, all in person celebration ceased and went virtual. It saddened me, as I love praying together as a community. There is a camaraderie and comfort being with my church family.

We still do the after service coffee hour, albeit via zoom. It’s nice to see everyone’s face and talk about our weekly struggles, highs and lows. I miss the hugs, the smiles and exchange of stories. I miss the friendly banter and teasing. It is like living in a different state, although we are only a few miles apart. We have dinners with them, but only a few at a time (of course less than six–those friends with children rarely come out due to baby sitting issues). The most we have gathered with is the magic number 6.

I saw a meme that said “check on your extroverted friends”. That’s me. I’m extroverted. My partner is a homebody. I am lucky that many of my friends continually text or now call. When we were able to see each other for spontaneous dinner, lunch or coffee dates, I only heard from them via random texts. A text no longer satisfies our need for contact, we now have to hear one another’s voices.

I think if anything, the pandemic has gotten me to reassess what is important. It is a lesson in knowing what I value, who I love and what I want.

Due to the rising numbers of the virus, my partner and I decided we were going to have a quiet holiday season. Both Christmas and Thanksgiving were times we met up with relatives (on both sides). This year, however, we plan to stay home.

I went to Trader Joes to look at the skin products that Sixpence had recommended. I got some toner and wash. I also picked up their Turkey and Stuffing En Croute. It says it has 8 servings. But it’s only 2 pounds. I think between the two of us, it will be gone by Friday at dinner. Staying home also means I don’t have to share a pecan pie (my contribution to whoever is hosting dinner). The pie we usually pick up is the size of a bicycle tire. Yummy!

It will also keep us from bantering about the election. We have some relatives who voted against our beliefs. They are more vocal than we are regarding their choice. Neither one of us like confrontation, nor are we articulate in debates. We shy away from it. So until all this hub bub settles, it’s better that we don’t “pass the peas” along with political distaste.

I hope everyone had a great weekend celebrating the election outcome!! One radio station here started playing Christmas music 24/7. I listened and danced along. Christmas came early!!

The slow counting of the votes is maddening! I wanted the election to be over quickly. I understand it will take time to ensure that the final tally can’t be questioned. And as the days go by I grow more hopeful. I will not however breathe a sigh of relief until the inauguration.

One of his kids falsely claimed that ballots were being burned. He even posted a video of said burning (which was debunked and showed that the ballots were not authentic). Another one wanted to declare war. It made me think of children playing a game and the loser screaming “you cheated” when clearly there was not.

Breathe, I just need to breathe right?

Three good things: it’s Friday, the weather is still nice (no snow yet) and I slept extremely well last night.

I had a bunch of strange dreams yesterday. I remembered them vividly upon waking. As I pushed the covers off, they become a blur. In one of them I was with my best friend. We had a present day reunion with our college friends. Only we all looked the way we did as young WVU Mountaineers. My best friend kept saying he was my partner and I kept trying to correct him. In my dream I thought my real partner was listening (and was extremely hurt by my silence). One of our friends, Andrea looked at me and said “why does he lie and why do our friends believe him? They’ve seen your Christmas cards”.

Election morning. Already a rough start as my dog whimpered in her sleep and I woke up to soothe her. I don’t know if she is having a bad dream. The whimpering sounds like she’s frightened or upset. She’s had a lot of these dreams lately–even mid day.

My anxiety is at an all time high. I’m not an anxious person by nature. This pandemic, the start of work from home in March, and the election has made it surface.

I am dancing through the morning with Stevie Nick’s “Gypsy”. I’m just going to twirl and twirl like the gypsy that I am. It has alleviated some of the anxiety that today is bringing.

As Election Day draws closer and closer, I find that I have to keep my mind from thinking about the worse.

I have stayed away from social media. This election has brought out the worse in people. Friends and acquaintances whom I thought shared the same values do not. My partner says “I’m not making any excuses for them, but they are still your friends”. Are they though? Birds of a feather? I know he’s trying to find a silver lining. Silver must continually be polished and I don’t have the bandwidth to rub anything until it shines.

I thought that the Pope blessing same sex marriage would open some minds. I was wrong. People that I grew up with say “he’s only human, he’s not God”. They “forgive” his lack of judgement. They still refuse to accept that love is love. It’s time to delete some social media followers or maybe even my social media presence.

One of my friends said she sat down with the godfather of her child and asked him about his political views. She pleaded with him and said “what about him makes you stand behind him”. Not one reason he gave could be justified. She said she walked away broken hearted with the thought that she lost a friend and her son a role model.

I don’t want to think about this anymore. I am hopeful, but I prepare myself for the worse.

Until then, in my spare time, I play Sims 4. I bury myself in favorite authors. And of course reruns of Schitt’s Creek, Grace & Frankie, and Vampire Diaries.

One of my favorites songs is “All American Boy” by Steve Grand. The song tells the story of a guy who is in love with his best friend (another guy). The irony? His best friend is straight.

It makes me think back to a time when I too was in love with my best friend. He would come to me and talk about his dreams and disappointments. I was in awe. I hated the girlfriends that broke his heart. I was angered by his “other” best friend that took advantage of his generosity. I hung on every word that he said.

He told me that I was one of the best friends he had ever had and added “I love you”. All through college, I thought, “maybe he will fall in love with me. Maybe he will see that I would love him forever”. It never happened. Years and years later, it still hasn’t happened.

I’m still the friend he can talk to about anything. I am the friend he unloads the stress of single parenthood to, the ongoing heartbreak of the now 10 year old divorce, and the fear of being alone.

I know that I will never be the love of his life. But that’s okay, I have the love of my life. I also have a best friend. And due to this, neither I or he will ever be alone.

When my cat wants a treat, she plops herself down and opens her mouth and meows. Over the years I have been able to discern that certain pitch that says “give me a treat”. When we have friends cat sit, the partner tries to explain to the sitter, she wants a treat when she says this (insert a human poorly imitating a cat). He then addss a second impression, stating “but not this” (insert a different meow pitch).

The other day she followed me into the kitchen. I started washing dishes and she did the meow. I smiled at her and said “in a minute sweetie”. I continued to finish washing the dishes. A few seconds later, I heard the familiar “give me a treat” meow. Again, I addressed her, this time with a wait a minute gesture. A third more impatient meow came and I gave her the wait a minute look AGAIN.

She took off and then I heard the cardboard cat scratcher being attacked at furious pace. Walking into the family room, she was pawing at the scratcher so quickly, I thought she might flip over with it.

Talk about a temper tantrum!!

The other day I got a phone call from a guy that claimed I called him first. He sounded somewhat nervous, but irritated at the same time. The only reason I answered was because I was expecting a phone call from a graduate school. I have started the process of possibly furthering my education.

The conversation went like this:

Me: “Hello”.

Him: “Yes, you called me, something about the sheriff’s office having a warrant for me”.

Me: “No I think you have the wrong number. I’m not a sheriff”.

Him: “Well by the way you answered the phone and how friendly you seem, I didn’t figure you were. I”m calling from my landline and I’m looking at my cell phone and it is your number.”

Me: “I once got a phone call from my own number. I did not answer it cause I know I was not calling myself”.

Him: “I thought it was scam, but I thought did my wife get a parking ticket she forgot to pay”.

Me: “That irks me that somehow they can use my number.”

Him: “It was an automated robotic voice. It didn’t even use my name or even say what anything was about. It just said for me to press 1 and then enter my credit card number to pay and the warrant would go away. I called from my landline cause I didn’t want them to have my number again. Well I won’t bother you anymore. Have a good day”.

I wonder how these thieves, scammers, assholes do this use a legitimate number. And good gosh, I hope they don’t call friends or family. I despise thieves!! Truly despise them from the very depths of my bowls.

I started watching Emily in Paris on Netflix. One of my favorite shows, Schitt’s Creek has ended it’s run. What an amazing run it had. There were tears. These fictional characters have endeared themselves to me. To replace it, I chose one of the new “what’s trending” shows.

Emily, is a young influencer. She is living her life. It is exciting.

When I watch these shows, and the life these characters are living it makes me think about my own life. I wonder about the decisions I made in the past. These decisions have affected my life today. The paths chosen: where I went to school, the friends I chose to hang out with and even the jobs that I have applied for. In hindsight, I think what if I did this instead, what if I chose that instead, where would I be today?

But here’s the thing. If I had chosen differently, would I have ended up with My Partner? He makes me happy. Our pets make me happy. Our home makes me happy. I can’t imagine life without My Partner. I capitalize “My”, because when I talk to him I say “My ____ (insert his name)”. It’s my way of letting him know that he has me, all of me. My final thought is, what if I never met him? My heart would not be this whole.

So there is the sliding door of what ifs. And there is the reality of what is. And in the end, I’ll take the what is.