We have all seen the hideous crimes which have been committed against rose gold. To wit:

It’s a rose! Made out of rose gold! Oh, the pithy!

*shakes head*

So, most of us haven’t given much thought to the warmth and the subtlety of rose gold. Because, well, thus far most of us have only seen it used in shit applications.

Then I got my new Nordstrom catalog (former employer, holler!), and everywhere I was greeted with rose gold. To my intense surpirse, I love it.

Look at those! Simple, brushed rose gold,  not a petal in sight. How absolutely gorgeous would these be against a khaki jacket or up against an amazing teal blue? Twist Leaf Earrings, $98

Now I am a total sucker for a dangly chandelier earring. I think they are elegant and exotic and this color would look perfect on any skin tone. The rosy hue would tone down a yellow complexion,  bring out the amazing chocolate tones of a dark complexion, would look stunning on olive and can even give a white girl like me a little color. And at $28? I’m in. Tasha Disc chandelier $28

This Nixon watch in rose gold made me pee my pants. The $450 price tag will assure that my pant wetting will not happen because of it being on my wrist, le sigh. Nixon Rose Gold Watch $450

This flat saddle ring? GAHHHHHHH!!!!!! I want to lick it. Also, for $42, if someone doesn’t buy this for me THEN I DON’T KNOW ANY OF YOU. Or, I could buy it myself. Whatever. Flat Saddle Rose Gold ring, $42

Lessons we’ve learned, kids? Rose gold ain’t just for your mama. Now it’s for you, too.

She is frail and small and even in her little wheelchair she is so very tiny. She scoots into my cozy office. with its soft music and beautiful smells and comfortable temperature. She smiles at me and I at her.

She wraps her arms around my neck and I wrap mine around her waist. She clings to me, like a child to a mother, her face against my hair. Her heart against my heart. I help her up onto my soft table and underneath the red, felt blanket. She sighs against the pillows I’ve piled up to keep her slightly sitting. Her 80 years evident in her face, her hands, her slow and uneven breath. She reminds me of my father then, all labored breathing and paper skin. her dyed dark hair showing scalp.

I take her hand in mine and smooth lotion through her fingers, around her arthritic knuckles. She closes her eyes and starts to hum to the Bach cello suites that surround us. She runs out of breath quickly and so I hum for her. She smiles.

She smiles and I smile too, her fingers relax and her face begins to calm. Years drop like shadows in the face of the noontime sun. I continue to hum.

This is what I do, For small chunks of time, my hands are my magic. But, I realize in this dark room, in this safe space that I create, that I am a coward.

I am not complacent in the therapy for which I’ve developed such a talent. Every day a litany of words trips through my head in the dark. They beg

write me

pay attention

be present

I am here

I brush them away with each stroke of my hand and arm. Giving myself away in 55 minute increments. That, is not bravery. That is just survival. That is just paying the bills.

I think I deserve more.

I don’t believe that souls die. They don’t exactly bear our names after they leave our vessels. We may be nameless streams of glittering light, darting through the night sky on our way to our next destination. To learn new things. But, we come back, as children to our mother’s apron. Burying our faces in the familiar scent of kindred souls. Detained spirits alight from our fingertips to our awaiting noses, we breathe in what we know.

We know forgiveness, inherently. We know that all of these experiences are for the greater portrait, we know that everything means something. We know that we may not know what they mean until the very end. I imagine my journey as two halves of a whole. There is an innocent girl, with her thick hair and her tiny waist. She is bold and loud and unafraid. She goes. She drives. She is driven.

Then there is what she became. Wider and water-colored. Pale and timid. I let her float away in silent revolt, her struggle to remain viable hidden, as if underwater. She became a background character, in the sad tale of Christine. She slipped from me and I miss her. Her devastating, unusual perfection. Her imperfect, glorious Ariesness. Her unapologetic existence.

I miss her

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Her hands mix pink cake mix, dot strawberries along the top of the fluffy blush icing of my birthday cake. Through the dusty light of our old kitchen windows, she sings me songs. Her bare feet, with perfect painted toenails walk soundlessly across the cool floor.

Our old house, situated facing a freeway offramp, she made home.

Her soft accent, graceful and welcoming never fails to charm. She was and is and forever will be encouragement, personified. She is love. She is the person I would have chosen as my mother, had I a choice. She has taught me what it is to be strong, she has taught me what it is to be forgiving. She held the hands of the man who destroyed so much of her life, as he lay dying. She gave him genuine love.

In that moment and in almost every moment I have known her, she has given genuine love.

She would, however, smack your ass with a flyswatter when you got out of line. Dead bug guts and a swiftly moving, pissed off mother are not things to trifle with. I once made her so angry that my sweet mother, who is not prone to cussing, said:

“S-H-I-T shit and I mean SHIT!”

We like to remind her of this, at every available opportunity. Or the time she wanted to know if the salad dressing tasted funky, but instead said “Y’all? Does this salad dressing taste fucky?”

She is funny without trying, gracious by nature. She is my mother and since the day I was born, I have basked in her perfect love. She made my life and made it worth living.

And, she ziplines. Yep, my mom rules.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Arsenic, you

split tongue and perfect teeth

hands which hold universes

member of the flat earth society

your shit doesn’t qualify me

Arsenic, you

I wonder where your

tasteless poison’s been

footprints across the grass

underneath the window

I startle in sleep

with every moving blade

Arsenic, you

let you hold a piece of me

and now I see

and now I see

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.  (I will come back to this one)
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

My father was an only child, a mama’s boy, his mother’s son. When he was 17, his father died. A sudden death, in his recliner. Lung cancer had riddled him. He became the alpha and omega of his mother’s life.  In his mind, he was, the beginning and the end.

He was an artist, my father. Pen and ink and imagination and perfection. He was free and weightless on paper. He was cumbersome and weighty in life. He died too soon, with a ricochet pattern of unfinished business. Broken marriage, fragile children. He was that exquisite tragedy of silverfish eaten pages, a story with so many words missing. He dialed it in and died in our arms.

I hope I never have to live a life, unfinished. To question the validity of my experience. I hope that the love I get is always in response to the love I give. I hope I am never loved from obligation, of blood ties, but not things in common. I hope I never give up on this fascinating daydream I walk in, everyday. I hope I never lose the magic of starlight and that I always marvel in the delicate strength of butterfly wings.

I hope I never leave a permanent scar. I hope I am and will be kind by nature and not by effort. He died under the unendurable weight of loneliness. Giving up, giving in, giving it all away with little regard to what  could have been. His art, in cardboard boxes and not on gallery walls.

I hope I never do the same.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

I can hear the gripping of the shoes on hot pavement. The light waviness that heat creates along the horizon, even in early morning. I dream in motion.

I can’t run, I’ve never been able to. My lungs have always been fiery little asthmatic things. Burning, twisting, flaming in protest to my desire to move. I’ve not been brave enough to push through. I made my body into this heavy, cumbersome shell. But my spirit? She runs. She has long, lean legs that push through burning.

I, however, I can’t even really run when something is chasing me. Which, oddly happens more often than you’d think.

I can do this. I can be her. I can hear those shoes hit that pavement in athletic cadence. I can do it for 26.2 miles. Although that goal seems so unattainable that I fear the first step. I do not want to fail. But, courage is being afraid to go and going anyway. I can be brave.

I can run.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

There is a twilight between birth and consciousness.  A lavender colored ether time where happiness is simply present. Without reason or precedent, happiness exists and blooms. We bumble along without true sight, learning, feeding, absorbing.

Then dawn comes. Sometimes in pure beauty, it breaks across the dark sky and brings us clarity, or at least awareness.

My dawn came by knife point. By violence and surprise and industrial pink hand soap. Cold tile and sex and control and terror. Anyone who has known me in any substantial way will know, this is what I must forgive. I have to forgive his sickness and his inability to be well. I have to forgive what he took from me, what he did to me.

I have to be thankful for the dawn that he brought to me, although I wasn’t ready to be out of my twilight. I have to forgive that while my rape was intensely personal to me, it was not at all personal to him.  He did not know me, he did not want me, it was not his plan to find me. I was just there.

While he has been living in my head, in my dreams, in my memories for 18 years; I never occupied a moment in his. I was never a face that haunted him. Mine was never a voice that caused him to wake in a cold sweat. My hand never held a knife that gave him a scar. I was nothing to him and that..oddly makes it all worse. This pivotal creature, who robbed me of my slumbering half-light, took my hazy colored happiness and threw me into the sharpness of consciousness, never felt a thing for me. Yet, I do nothing but feel for him. About him.

Forgiveness, for him. Redemption, for me.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

I am not the writer I thought I’d be, the actress my father wanted me to be. College dangles off in the distance as I kick it further with each step I take.

I am not a wife, I am not a mother.

I have settled in my discomfort and wear it like a set of clothes. Pinching, bunching. I know for a fact this particular outfit makes my ass look big. A thin, glass wall between me and what I thought I’d be and I put it there.

How do I forgive myself for that? How do I forgive myself for not being more? How do I forgive myself for just being? How do I accept and forgive the failure that is me, without relegating myself to the fate of it? The weight of that truth? Can I sit with it in my hands, let it slip like oil through my fingers, never grasping it, yet covered in the viscosity. The stain.

I have to forgive myself for hiding. Then, I need to step out onto the ledge.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

There is a gift, which the women in my family possess. I believe my maternal grandfather had it as well. It is a small, golden thread of a gift. It weaves itself throughout the curves of our bones, the wideness of hip, the delicate hands. It shows itself in the varying colors of our eyes.

It flows, thick as liquid honey in the way we laugh, our chosen words and the words we do not choose. It wraps like a soft blanket around our shoulders, allowing us to warm the ones we love.

I am an intuitive creature. I love that about myself. My intuition has a life of its own, an emboldened personality with a whiskey-rich voice. She speaks in my head with intensity and musicality and a sense of importance. She can be put off, temporarily, but she is spry. She is light on her feet, she is not to be ignored. She is the truest part of myself, the most right.

I remember walking to my car one night after working a second job. It was late, 3 am. My intuition was screaming for me to ask the building security man to walk me to my car. She screamed in my head DANGER DANGER DANGER!!

But, he looked so comfortable there, curled on his side, sleeping on the lobby couch. I could see my car through the plate glass window and didn’t want to wake him. I told my intuition to shove it.

As soon as I walked out of the building, I heard labored breathing near the side of my head. I ran.

I made it to my car, to turn and see a drunk man, passed out about three feet outside of the building, in the direct path where I had just been. She knew. I didn’t.

This very subtle recognition I have of people, of their nuances, of their hearts has served me well, when I choose to listen. She holds my hand when I think I’m alone. She reminds me that I am a creature of the divine, worth protecting. I love that.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself