i need the courage to live up to my potential.

it's the end of an era.

i bought these mint-green pants 4 years ago on sale for $20 at the rockefeller center j.crew and have loved them since, but unfortunately they split up the crotch as i was getting into a cab the other day. it's so hard to find clothes in bangkok, and asia in general, because i'm a bit larger than most guys here, so i'm a little sad over the loss of these pants. oh well.

it's hard to believe, but the first week of june will not only be my six month anniversary since arriving in bangkok, but it will also mark my one year anniversary since leaving nyc. wow, time really does fly. after the beginning of next month, my time in thailand will also have surpassed my time in korea and that in itself is such a huge shock.

i was thinking about it the other day, and my life here is so different than when i first arrived. i'm happy to say that most of the changes have been one step forward in some way, so i'm more than humbled by it all.

while i used to have nothing to do all day, i now tutor some korean kids in writing, and holy shit what an experience it's been. it's really interesting to cross over into the vast and eclectic world of korean immigrants in bangkok and step into their universe. i would say one of the more interesting parts is having to interact with all the mothers. only one that i've met is really annoying and the others are all really nice. some of them even sometimes feed me and give me things like kimchee to take home---it's really generous of them. when i enter these people's homes, i often have moments where i think, "what the hell---how the hell did i end up here??" and feel like i'm living through an episode of the twilight zone. some of the circles of families are the same or even similar, but some of their worlds are really different and i wonder if they would be connected in any other way other than through a writing tutor.

most of the kids are sweet and i like teaching them, but of course others are more challenging to work with. sometimes i look at my students and i can really picture what kind of person they're going to be as adults---from their faces to their personalities, i can foresee it all. it's been very long time since i've worked with children, and i have to say it's refreshing at moments. their way of thinking and goals in life are really interesting to hear about and it makes me want to tell and teach them all the lessons that would have helped me as a kid...

but then i think, i'm just their writing instructor---what the hell do i know?

like satan, procrastination comes in many forms.

my work isn’t coming along as smoothly as i’d like it to, and ive come to realize that it's 100% my fault since i will find any and every excuse to put off my writing. sometimes i’ll be sitting in front of my computer, trying to produce something that isn’t complete garbage, and out of the corner of my eye, i'll see some dirt on the floor. that'll lead me to sweep and then i naturally, of course have to wipe down all the surfaces in my studio. hours later, i'm back from the shopping center big c, attempting to put up the whiteboard that i just purchased in order to help me creatively---it's really out of control sometimes. i also haven't had internet in my room for over a month to keep from wasting time online, but then sometimes i will go through crazy lengths in order to go gain access. if i simply had it in my room, that would keep me from riding cabs to my friend's house at 2am or trekking all the way to an internet cafe just to find out their service is down for the day. the many other ways i've managed to procrastinate is by watching every movie and music video i own a countless number of times, repeatedly creating and taking down an inspiration board of photos on one of my walls, looking continuously over and over the 10,000 photos i have in my comp, boredom-dialing all my friends back in the states, and etc.

okay, now that i've realized this problem, i must work on fixing it.

"He felt certain that every living being wished him well tonight."

atlas shrugged by ayn rand. page 37.

dear bangkok,

why do you always have so much street juice everywhere?

-thwany

i went to go see deadmeau5 spin last night here in bangkok.

the party was lots of fun and all i have to say is, wow, i never knew you could party like that bangkok---people were going absolutely nutso bonkers.

1977.

somehow, somewhere, i lost my focus and started channeling all my energy into things that don't really matter...

i need to start concentrating again.

dear neurosis and irrational fears,

leave me the fuck alone.

thanks, i appreciate it.

best,
thwany

i just want to buy a stack of magazines and lose myself.

ignorant people are ignorant people, no matter where in the world you are.

it's interesting that i've already had a couple of racist comments/actions directed towards me in thailand, all of which came from locals who live here. in america, most of my racist incidents stemmed from the fact that i'm asian, but things get more specific here in thailand. their version of "ching-chong-ching-chong!" is something along the lines of yelling "arigato!" or "kimchi!" while putting the backs of their hands against their foreheads and bowing as everyone around them laughs hysterically.

whenever i encounter people like this, i know that what they're saying and doing has nothing to do with me personally. they're only externally projecting their insecurities and looking like a god damn fool while doing so---it's so unfortunate.

a conversation between two wildflowers on a sunny day: part 3.

"carl, you look a little bloated today. and again with the sunglasses?"
"yeah, i'm still recovering. i had too much last night."
"too much what?"
"too much everything."
"carl, i think you may have a substance abuse problem."
"roger, just because i like to have a good time doesn't mean i have a problem. so what if i liked to get fucked up?"
"but shouldn't just life itself be enough for you to enjoy? why do you constantly need to be in an altered state?"
"on this planet, my dear friend, there will always be flowers who think like you and also think like myself. your version of an altered state is my chosen version of reality."
"that's just a bad excuse to get wasted."
"roger, we're wildflowers. since you're not living up to the stereotypes of our kind, flowers like me have to compensate for your lack of hackneyed convictions."

i'm obsessed with the stone roses. where have they been all my life?

afterparty at jia's.

i just want to live a modest and humble life.

"and what we have is today."

yes, grace, so very fucking true.

sometimes, i think about how fragile life really is and it makes me so sad.

dinner with su noona.

i cancelled the internet at my place because it was way too distracting, so i'm at a pc room right now. it's funny because it's just a small room with two rows of computers, however each one but mine is occupied by entranced little thai children playing games, watching music videos, twitter, facebook, gossip blogs, chat rooms, etc.

i guess internet addiction is starting at younger ages nowadays. mine can be pretty annoying sometimes as well, so i'm sure grateful i didn't have the internet at their age.

my blog friend make it easy tagged me in the Versatile Blogger Award, and so here are 7 random facts about myself:

- i think cooked carrots are delicious, but raw carrots taste like shit
- my middle name is hwan (hence my blog name)
- i cringe at the sound of other people's fingernails and toenails being clipped
- sometimes (actually, it's a lot more than sometimes), i just need to be alone
- i prefer spending $ on memories and experiences rather than materialistic goods
- when i'm feeling down, listening to R.E.M.'s shiny happy people or watching the song's music video is the best medicine (i like to think the little boy in the purple shirt and flippy-glasses was me in another lifetime)
- titles and labels are not how i choose to define people

the next 3 people i award and pass this onto is: luuworld, letopho, and loren.

dear bangkok,

i love you and all, but you really gotta pick up the pace sometimes.

love,
thwany

i haven't drank in a while so last night was fun overload.

i'm feeling dispirited and the only thing that can make it better is a bucket of pasta.

a conversation between two wildflowers on a sunny day: part 2.

"carl, what's with the sunglasses? is everything alright?"
"i feel tired today. life is making me glum."
"'glum?' but the sun is out and we got some warm rain last night. we should be feeling peak today."
"well, roger, i'd love to feel the way you do, but i just don't today."
"what's wrong?"
"seeing that worried face of yours, carl, is making me grateful that i have these sunglasses on. i just don't feel like being social today, i can't explain it. i'm okay i guess."
"well, let me cheer you up. maybe i can just talk and you can listen?"
"i'm not sure how that's different from any other day, but sure."
"so, have you seen how the chivers' redecorated their tree trunk? they added these faux mushrooms onto the tree's side and it looks so cool. they're in different colors and everything, i could stare at them for hours."
"yeah, i've seen them. those faux mushrooms are intermixed with real ones, right?"
"yeah, those! how awesome is that?"
"i don't like them."
"how could you not like them? they liven up the tree and make things so much better."
"make things better how?"
"you always ask such odd questions, carl! i don't know how they make them better, they just do."
"but those faux mushrooms don't have any function whatsoever. they add nothing to the tree except for the aesthetic of obviously fake mushrooms that have been plastered to the tree trunk's side."
"but why can't that be the function? to just please the eye?"
"because that's not a function, it's a preference---there's a difference. what if some poor, scatterbrained animal goes up to the tree and eats those faux mushroom by accident? then what? that animal will die in no time with all that faux mushroom in their system, all because the damn chivers wanted to decorate their tree. those fugly fake mushrooms are a bad distraction. they plunder attention away from the real mushrooms that have their own story. those mushrooms belong on the tree trunk and those ridiculously dyed fake ones don't."
"well, i think it looks good and i like it. the chivers should be able to do what they please with their own tree trunk."
"roger, you're making me more glum. i'd like to be left alone now."
"no, wait. we'll talk about something else then. how about we discuss your sunglasses. are they new? where'd you get them?"
"next topic."
"hmmm. oh, i know. did you hear about that young raccoon chick who was found dead this morning next to the chivers' tree trunk?"

i am craving nyc at the moment.

i miss being in the city and walking around by myself.

life in thailand.

you know what's lame? when people wear t-shirts with words or graphics pertaining to a musical artist, yet they don't know shit about that artist and is unable to name any songs or albums of theirs that they like.

that's adulthood poser-ism at its finest.

a conversation between two wildflowers on a sunny day: part 1.

"what do you mean, 'you just like it?'"
"i just do."
"but how? how can you find pleasure from something like that? it's gross and incorrigible. have you ever thought about how it affects all of us around you?"
"shut up."
"'shut up?' this is how you talk to me because i'm trying to help? this is what you say to your best pal?"
"roger, i need some air. can we go for a walk?"
"'a walk?!' we're wildflowers for god's sake. we can't walk anywhere."
"fine, then let's go for a sway. the sun is killing me today and there's no breeze. i need to stay mobile."
"then we'll sway-and-talk. alright, so then what do you have to say for yourself?"
"okay, it was a mistake. i'll never do it again, i'm sorry."
"hold on, hold on. you were swaying too fast and i couldn't hear you. what did you say?"
"i asked about stella, has she been around recently? what's the latest you've heard on her?"
"well, you know jerry, right, the dude who was only lets the hummingbirds eat his pollen? well he heard from petey, the rock, that stella's been quite the talk of her prairie. sorry, i'm going to whisper this because i've been sworn to secrecy, but i heard she's got some weird uv allergy. in fact, she's had it for a while and refuses to be seen because her antennas are starting to look all weird. have you ever seen a ladybug with aberrant antennas? it's quite disturbing if you ask me. okay, can we stop swaying now? i'm getting tired and i think a breeze is starting up."
"stella would be hot even without antennas."
"carl, there you go again. now, back to what we were discussing before, how can you 'just like' being under fluorescent lighting? don't know you about jerry's grandma? it was only about an acre away from us where she died when these idiot campers settled right next to her. it happened really fast and she was a goner in no time."
"have you ever felt the rush of being under fluorescent lighting? you can feel it right down to the pedicel. it's awesome---it makes me feel alive."
"man, you have issues."

this photo would sum up my extraordinary weekend.

i'm in a deleting sort of mood---i need to get rid of some baggage.

it's past 5:30am here in bangkok and i can't fall asleep. i wonder if my insomnia will ever be cured, or perhaps it's something i'm eternally stuck with and should just plan my life accordingly? but, actually---i enjoy the daytime and sunlight too much to just give them up. maybe it's because i haven't had any sort of set daily routine or schedule in my life for more than a week since i was laid off from my last office job two years ago? but that doesn't make sense because i had this issue way long before that. i would definitely say it's linked to my anxiety. or i don't know, i guess i could ponder until the sun comes up (literally), but the only thing that's for certain is the fact that i'm unable to fall asleep right now. as for an update on how things are currently going in my life, all is well. things could always be better, but they could also be worse so i prefer not to compare or think about how different circumstances would be in some fictitious, parallel world. i control what i can with positive thoughts and sensible decisions and the rest is out of my hands. i recently started to thoroughly think about the adage, "everything loses its novelty." this is something that usually pops into my head often because on many occasions, i find myself getting bored with something really fast. this relates to almost every facet of my life and there isn't an aspect that's unaffected by it. then recently, i started to metaphorically think about the adage in terms of reading a book. sometimes i'll read a book and experience it in whatever way i did. i often like to re-read books that i've liked, and when doing so, of course my latter experience is never the same as the original. i realized that things don't have to lose their novelty, because you never know what's waiting on the next page so if i feel inclined to, i can just turn the pages faster. or i can change my attitude and keep in mind that how i'm feeling or what i'm going through really has an impact on what insight i gain from reading a single page, and be aware that in the moment, things might seem like the novelty's gone, but in reality i'm just feeling like shit and looking at the situation negatively.

i don't know. i think my brain is just running on fumes at the moment and i don't know how to eloquently express what i'm trying to say. i'll just end this entry with a photo i took of a spread in last month's gq korea. however, i have no idea what "a hardboiled boy" means. okay, let's see: 1-eggs. 2-they're hardboiled in water. 3-a boy. 4-yeah, i'm definitely lost and have no idea what it means. 5-oh okay, maybe it's like a boy is hardboiled and while the shell remains the same, his spirit hardens and tastes delicious with a little bit of salt & pepper. 6-or from my experience, the shells of hardboiled eggs always crack a little in the process. 7-nevermind, i still have no idea.

i just discovered that it's possible to feel an instant bond and fondness with someone after hearing them utter a single line of discourse.

yes.

"Why, I feel rich and strong, though we have nothing but our bare hands. I feel as if I could scarcely ask God for any more."

uncle tom's cabin by harriet beecher stowe. page 213.

he's about as straight as a wet noodle.

with songkran, thailand's traditional new year's day, just a few weeks away, the country is almost at the peak of summer.

however, the weather for the past week or so has been really off and gloomy with constant cloudiness. the temperature has also been averaging to about sixty degrees fahrenheit (which is pretty cold for bangkok) and many thai natives have been remarking on how abnormal the weather is. the good news is that the weather today is finally hot and sunny again. you know, i used to hate hot weather because of my anomalous sweating problems but after being in thailand for a substantial amount of time, i've come to appreciate its tropical climate. it sort of feels good to get a nice sweat going on a daily basis with just a short walk outside.

one downside to all this sweating however is that a couple of my t-shirts are starting to stink. i've had moments where i'm out somewhere and i'll get a slight whiff of something funky, and then i'll realize it's me. i used to sweat the same amount back in nyc but i think the difference is the fact that i'm not able to throw my clothes in a dryer after washing them. i had the same odor problem last summer in korea as well, and it started soon after i had just left nyc. i'm convinced that drying your clothes in a machine after washing them helps keeps odors at a distance, but unfortunately asia is not a dryer-friendly place and they're not common to come by.

speaking of clothes, i'm getting pretty bored of everything i own. i've been wearing mostly the same stuff for almost a year now and am in desperate need of some new items. if only there was a j.crew outlet in bangkok that sold everything in a size medium, that would be heaven.

alright, off to enjoy the day.

a friday night in bangkok.