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We’re in the process of trying to train more people to care for Mom. As I write this, our favorite visiting nurse is practicing setting her up and setting her down, and Mom’s niece, who’s just finished the first half of nursing school, started her training last week. Add to this the fact that Samantha is figuring out how to do this stuff, and things are going pretty well.
I’m conflicted about this (Gee, Chili; really? You? Conflicted?). Part of me is thrilled that there are people who will be able to pick up whatever slack I find myself with after the girls get out of school. I’ve been worried (probably needlessly, but still…) about my not being able to care for Mom as much as I have been once the girls finish their school year next Wednesday. I’m delighted that there is a small pool of competent, trustworthy people who are able to tend to mom’s particular needs.
On the other hand, it’s excruciating to watch people’s learning curve. I have the benefit of having done all my learning when Mom was in far less consistent and intense pain than she’s in now. I also have the advantage of having done this for several months; I’ve got a system that works, and that is efficient, consistent, and relatively comfortable for Mom. I sit on the couch and try to talk people through the process without elbowing my way in there and taking over. Everyone needs to learn how to do this in the way that works best for them; just because something works for me, doesn’t mean it’s going to work for anyone else.
On the other hand (how many hands do we have here, anyway?!) I’m having to put aside my ego and let other people take care of my mother. I recognize that no one can care for her the way I do – that I bring a particular combination of hands-on care and love and energy – I get that. It’s not that I’m worried that someone is going to usurp my “place;” but I’m still having to let go and accept the idea that other people can care for her.
Finally, I really do believe that Mom’s not going to need care for much longer. I understand that’s no reason to not train others to care for her – that no one is seeing this training as a waste of their time – but it’s a consideration that enters my thinking. It seems a shame to make people do all this work only to have it needed for a few weeks.
This whole experience is about learning, and I’m trying very hard to pay attention in every moment.
Something clicked for me in the last day or so, and was galvanized yesterday afternoon. The result is that I’m ready to let Mom go.
She’s different now; her energy has changed, and all the messages I’m getting from my observations and my intuition tell me that her time is very, very near. Strangely, though, I’m not panicked or frightened by this knowing; if anything, I’m looking forward to it.
Now, understand that we don’t really have the right words to describe this “looking forward;” I’m certainly not eagerly anticipating my mother’s passage. What I’m trying to express is a feeling of rightness about it, a peaceful acceptance of it, a welcomed end to the pain she’s enduring, and an excitement for her for the adventure she’s on the brink of. I know, with every molecule of my being, that she’s eagerly awaited on the “other side,” and that her passage will be swift and easy.
Ten things I want / need / want to do when I’m done care taking:
1. I want to clean my house. Better yet, I want my house cleaned. I’m keeping up with dishes and laundry and clean sheets every Saturday, but the extra stuff like, you know, vacuuming and dusting and cleaning the bathrooms, is sorely lacking. I’d like to get back on top of all that.
2. I want to get my hair cut, and I’d like a manicure and a pedicure, too. I’m taking pretty good care of my fingers – I’m good at rubbing creme into my fingers while I’m watching movies with mom – but it’d be nice to have a professional job. I miss feeling pretty.
3. I need to clean the inside of my car. Better yet, having my car cleaned for me would be nice. I still have winter-grit in the footwells of my car, and it’s starting to really bug me.
4. I’d like to spend some time with my family. It’d be nice to go somewhere, even for an afternoon, where we can just have fun. A day trip to an amusement park or an afternoon spent playing in the sunshine would be nice. I’d like to be able to say “yes” to my children.
5. I’d like to spend some time with my husband. Some quality time. Some just-him-and-me time. He’s been nothing but supportive of me, and I feel like I’m just taking; it’d be nice to give some back.
6. I’d like to spend some alone time – some just ME time. I don’t know if I need to go away for this time or if I can get it in bits and pieces while my family is off doing something else, but I know I need to just be with me for a while.
7. I want to spend time with my friends. The people who love me have been so wonderful through all of this, and while I recognize that they understand that I can’t make time for them, I hate that I can’t make time for them. It’d be nice to meet the people I love for lunch, to have them come by the house, to just be together again. I want to hang out with O’Mama again. I’m dying to spend time with the TwoBlueDays.
8. I want to reengage in intellectual pursuit. I’ve not been writing, reading, talking, analyzing, or thinking the way I used to, and I miss it. JRH commented last week that it’s hard to not do the things that make me who I am, and she’s absolutely right; even though I don’t have the energy or the time right now to do my intellectual exercises, I really feel their absence in my life. I’m ready to be whole again.
9. I want to reengage in my physical exercise. My yoga practice has almost completely stalled. I’ve not been out walking or biking or anything, and that, combined with my tendency to stress-eat, has had a rather negative affect on my body. I’m looking forward to moving again.
10. I want to go back to work. Not right away, mind you, but at some point. I’m looking forward to seeing my participants at the health club again, and I’m dying to get back into the classroom.
I called Mom a couple of hours ago to remind her to take her 5:00 meds, and she sounded terrible. It seems she’s got an awful toothache.
I got on the phone to hospice and the nurse was surprised; it seems something like this has never happened to her before, and she wasn’t quite sure what to do about it (I guess denstistry isn’t high on the hospice care continuum).
In addition to having the best mechanic on the face of the planet, I’m also blessed with the best dentist. I mean it; I WORSHIP this man. I called him (at home – he gives his patients his home number; THAT’S what kind of compassionate he is) and explained the situation.
I’m meeting him at Mom’s in half an hour.
Don’t even try to tell me that I’m not blessed. The people in my life are a million different flavors of wonderful.
This is a long one. It is brought to you via Tense.
A
Always: remember to breathe. Average: is not as bad as everyone seems to make it out to be. We can’t be outstanding at everything. Annoyance: lately, I’ve been annoyed by people who don’t understand which side of the road to use while walking or biking. Age: I’m 40 and proud of it.
B
Best Friends: are terribly important. Beer: doesn’t agree with me. I prefer wine or a Mike’s hard lemonade. Birthday: My birthday is in the deep dark of winter. I’m considering celebrating my half birthday in the warm sunny. Boast: I am a goddess in the kitchen.
C Crush:I’m still irrationally in love with my husband. Car: I drive a little black VW Golf (with which I am also irrationally in love) Candy: I’m more of a chocolate person, myself, though I do like a nice jelly bean every now and then. Cry: I’m doing this a lot more often. It sneaks up on me lately.
D
Days:sometimes go by too quickly, sometimes seem interminable. Dream: I wish I could remember (or, even better, direct) more of my dreams. Dare: I’m not one to do things on a dare, really; I’m kind of boring that way. If I wouldn’t do it otherwise, I’m not going to do it just because someone dared me to. Drug: not for myself, but I’m really grateful that there’s such a thing as good, strong pain meds. I’m on a first-name basis with the pharmacist who’s been filling Mom’s prescriptions.
E
Easy: we tend to discount the things we do easily and well. I’m very good in the kitchen, I can drive a stick like a pro, and I’m a very good listener. Eggs: are one of my weird foods (tomatoes and cheese being the others). I like them, but only in certain ways. Eggs need to be mixed; I’ll eat quiche or scrambled eggs or souffle or custard, but I recoil in horror at fried or boiled eggs. Email: is wonderful. How did we ever get along without it? Envy: right now, I’m envying people who don’t have to think about someone they love dying.
F
Flavors: Squint your eyes and look closer / I’m not between you and your ambition / I am a poster girl with no poster / I am 32 flavors and then some
Favorites: Oy! Favorite WHAT!? My favorite frozen dinner is Lean Cuisine Peanut Chicken, my favorite potato chips are Lay’s original, and my favorite place to be is wherever my husband is. Flaws: You want a list?! I’m headstrong, I’m too quick to trust, I often rush into things without thinking them through, but I also procrastinate like a professional (how’s THAT for a contradiction?) Finicky: I’m fussy about a lot of things; how the bed gets made, that nothing gets left on the bathroom floor, and how my iPhone is set up, just to name a few.
G
Grateful: is a philosophy that guides my life. I have much to be thankful for, and I make gratitude an active – and daily – practice. Gifts: are getting harder and harder to think up for my husband. Gum: always sugarless, can usually be found in the armrest compartment of my car. Gross: vomit. Bleh…
H
Hair: red, curly and, at the moment, a tad bit too long. Height: has never been my strong suit. I spent most of my life at 5′2″, but it turns out that yoga has stretched me an inch. Happiest: The last 17 or so years have been the happiest of my life, and I fully expect the trend to continue. Hate: is something I avoid. Unless we’re talking about vomit and, if you don’t mind, I’d rather we didn’t…
I
Ice Cream: MMMMmmm! Peanut butter fudge, please. Instrument: I’m good with a yoga mat, does that count? Idols: all of my idols are humanitarians. Independence: is highly overrated. I prefer inter-dependence, myself.
J
Jewelry: is something I have quite a lot of, but I always end up wearing the same stuff. Jail: is someplace I hope to never be. Auntie, however, is there a couple times a week. Jenga is not as fun as it seemed in the commercials. Jammies are some of my favorite clothes. Comfy tee shirts and pants or shorts, depending on the season.
K
Kids: I’ve got two of the best ones ever. Karaoke: is something that is not on my bucket list. Kicks: I could often benefit from good, swift ones in the can… Kiss: I’m not a big fan of the band, but I adore the activity!
L
Longest: the longest day of the year is coming up soon, is it not? Life: is good. Lost: I’ve never seen an episode, and now that I have maps on my iPhone, I’m almost never lost in real life, either.
M
Milk: I must always have at least one full gallon in the house. Ovaltine is essentially my morning coffee (and there MUST be milk available for cookies!). Miss: I’m going to miss my mother. Movies: We’ve been watching a LOT of movies lately. Mr. Chili and I saw Angels and Demons and Star Trek in one week (that may be a record for us), and we rented National Treasure II to see with the girls a while ago. Night at the Museum was fun, but we preferred the first effort. I’ve watched a bunch of movies with Mom; I should probably make a list… Memory: a lot of my childhood memories are inaccessible to me, and I think that’s probably for the best.
N
Nails: I wish that mine were stronger. I like having pretty hands. No: is an important word, but it’s not my favorite. Name: I’m still grateful to Kizz for naming me Mrs. Chili. I love my online name. Never: underestimate my power.
O
Ordinary: isn’t such a bad thing. Ordinary is comfortable and familiar and gentle. Life shouldn’t be non-stop white-knuckles and adrenaline, I think. One: is often not enough. Office: I don’t have one. Well, that’s not technically true; I still have my office at L.U., but I’m not even a little attached to it. I’d like, someday, to have my own classroom; I don’t really care whether I get my own office. Only: you can prevent forest fires.
P
Pet Peeves: bad grammar, people who don’t know which side of the road to use, people who come to a full (and unnecessary) stop before MAKING THEIR FUCKING TURN, ALREADY!! and my children leaving their crap all over the house. Primal urge: Huh. I’m not sure I can come up with a snappy answer for this one. Oh, wait; I know – the urge to put my hands on my oldest daughter (and not in a good way) when she’s being a bitch. MAN, can that kid push my buttons! Personality: is overrated. Character is what counts (and yes, there’s a difference) Pain: is a lot easier to endure oneself than it is to watch in someone one loves. Ask me how I know.
Q
Quick: the kids are coming; hide the chocolate! Quirk: I can’t go up or down stairs without counting them in my head. Qualms: I’m having serious qualms about some of Punkin’ Pie’s friends. All of them come from severely broken homes and are, I fear, a bad influence on my baby. I’m looking forward to summer and her time away from them. Quest: I don’t really have a burning quest at the moment.
R
Reason to …: get up in the morning; my husband, my children, my mother, and my friends. Reality TV: is absurd and a complete waste of energy and resources. It may well be one of the horsemen of the apocalypse. Rage: frightens me. Regret: is another waste of energy. What’s done is done. Try to act in such a way that you won’t have regrets in the first place.
S
Song: I wake up with a different one in my head. This morning, it was this one:
Season: Summer, without question. Shoes: I’m not a shoe person. I’ve got a pair of sandals and some sneakers for spring and summer, and a few sets of heartier footwear for winter. I don’t collect shoes. Silly: some of the things my 10-year-old thinks are funny.
T
Time: I, like almost every other person who’s ever lived, don’t feel I have enough of it. Ticklish: I am. He’s not. This pisses me off. Taste: I think I have good taste; clean, simple, uncluttered. Torment: I am occasionally tormented by my past and the fact that I had few good examples for how to life a strong, productive life. Having to make this stuff up on my own sometimes gets exhausting.
U
Undress: I have no problem undressing. I don’t mind being naked in the locker room, I’ve undressed for strangers in drawing class. I’m not ashamed of my body and I don’t really care who sees it. Unpredictable: Punkin’ Pie is running the gamut of behaviors and moods and attitudes lately. Poor kid. Unfortunate: for all that my formative years were dysfunctional, I don’t consider myself unfortunate at all. Yes, I’ve had to figure out a lot on my own, not having had reliable adults to model for me, but I’ve made my way okay. Unforgettable: My wedding day, the girls’ birthdays, and, I’m fully expecting, the day Mom crosses over.
V
Vegetables: I like most of them, especially in a nice, big salad Virgin: Atlantic. I hear their business class is a joy. Vacation: With the in-laws this year (again). I’m having anxiety already. Voice: I don’t sing (except in the car), but I have an appreciation for those who do it well.
W
Worst Habit: procrastination. Wish: That Mom’s crossing is calm and welcomed. Waste: We throw out a lot of cold cuts. We need to remember that they’re in the fridge and make sandwiches now and then. Wander: I love to wander through shops, though I rarely buy anything.
X
X-Rated: I’ve only seen one or two movies; they didn’t impress me. X-Rays: I get them fairly regularly at the dentist’s and chiropractor’s. X-Men:. We watched the first two films the other day. The third is on TiVo, and we’ll probably wait until Wolverine is out on DVD. X-marks the spot: on the map right over my house.
Y
Year born: 1969 Yes: is one of my favorite words, and an important part of my life’s philosophy. Yellow: is a great color for sticky notes. Yearn: I have, for as long as I can remember, felt a deep longing for some nameless thing. If I sit quietly, I can still feel it, though I still can’t put words around it.
Z
Zoo Animal: tigers (or, if the zoo is an aquarium, seals). Zodiac: Capricorn. Craves order and constancy; is hard-working and fiercely loyal. Zealous: I’m enthusiastic about equality and fairness. I’m a true and faithful friend. I care about my role as a mother and my work as a teacher. I’m an amazing wife. Zzzz: Mmmmmm…. bed……
The morning started just as it was supposed to. I got up first because a) I had to pick Beanie up from her girlfriend’s house early as her girlfriend had a Girl Scout trip to the Aquarium and b) I was meeting Kizz in our hometown for breakfast at nine. I rousted Mr. Chili so that he could be up and coherent when my girlfriend’s husband came by at nine to check out the site we’ve selected for the pool; he needed to determine how much sand to buy to level the spot.
I got Bean and headed out to see Kizz after making the request of my family to do a little general tidying around the place (the girls got some specific instructions because, after all, they were the only ones who knew we had company coming). After a lovely, but too-brief, visit with my friend, I made for the grocery store to pick up party supplies (mostly good beer and hamburger rolls), then stopped by Mom’s to check out how things were going over there (well, by the way; Samantha had figured this stuff out and both ladies seemed comfortable and relaxed), then swung by Bowyer’s to retrieve all the plastic lawn chairs I could fit in my car.
When I got home, Mr. Chili was mowing the front lawn, which meant that I couldn’t unload the car without arousing his suspicion, so I came inside and helped out with the tidying effort going on in there. When Mr. Chili’s lawn care took him to the back yard, I went to retrieve the groceries, I started the cake, and sent Punkin’ Pie to the store up the street with instructions to return with ice and half-and half.
Mr. Chili came in from mowing all sweaty at just about the time Dudley texted me to tell me that they were on approach, so I sent my sweaty husband to the shower and hoped for the best.
I couldn’t have PLANNED it any better.
The crew arrived – Dudley and Chang, BoBo and his family – and snuck quietly into the house. As Mr. Chili finished his shower, everyone got comfortable in the great room. Mr. Chili walked to the bedroom without sensing that something was up, got dressed, and then, I think, got lost in his computer (he’s still researching pools for the girls). I called up to him asking that he come down to help me with something, but that didn’t work; I had to send Beanie up to retrieve him. He made it about five steps down before he realized what was going on…
It was great.
We hung out for a bit, then headed to the climbing gym (which, in a bit of Universal synchronicity, was staffed by Jon, a man who used to come to my yoga class. I’d been thinking about him lately and wondering where he’d gone. I walked into the gym, and there he was!). He got everyone all suited up, taught them about knots and carabiners and proper safety, then they all hit the walls.
Well, not everyone; Beanie was so intimidated by the whole thing that she burst into quiet tears. She didn’t want to climb, she said, even if she got to say how far she went. I refused to push her. Luckily, the place has a room where kids can play without having to be tied in – there are thick gym mats on the floor and the walls only go about six feet up – and Jon sent Beanie in there. She liked the idea, so off she went.
More about her later.
Anyway, the choice of this place was clearly a hit. Observe:
Punkin was the first one on the wall. Here she is… at the TOP!
Here’s Mr. Chili on his way up:
Auntie at the top:
After a while, Beanie wandered back in and decided that she was ready to climb. Daddy tied her up and hooked her in and, seemingly without much effort at all, my baby was pretty much all the way up.
The whole afternoon was fantastic.
Tired and hungry, the gang untied and we all headed back to Chez Chili for some great burgers and even better fellowship. I love how happy my husband is when his friends are around, and I was pretty much basking in his contentment. I love his friends, too, and I enjoyed every second of the afternoon.
BoBo’s wife and sons had to go back home because Mrs. B had some commitments for this morning, but BoBo stayed. The men made their way to their hotel to drop their stuff and change, then they came back to get Mr. Chili and head out to a local brew pub for an evening out. I can only assume they had a wonderful time; they all came back vibing lots of happy.
It was a blast, and I’m grateful to everyone who came together to make it happen.
Neither do they expect a surprise party for their 47th birthday. Neither still do they expect a surprise birthday party nearly a month after their actual birthday!
A few weeks before Mr. Chili’s birthday, I planned a surprise for him for this afternoon. My sister is coming, as are three of his college friends from far afield (Dudley and another friend from Maryland, BoBo from western Massachusetts). Several of Mr. Chili’s buddies from work will join us as we have a birthday party at a local climbing gym.
I’m fully expecting to have a wonderful afternoon. We’ve got the climbing gym from 1-4, then we’ll come back to Chez Chili for burgers and dogs (and, I suspect, some really good wine and hard cider). I’ll post some pictures tomorrow.
I want my husband to have a good time; he’s been so strong and supportive of me and I want to give a little bit of that back.
Happy birthday, Mr. Chili. I love you more than anything.
*Edited to include* It was GREAT! He was COMPLETELY surprised and we had a wonderful day. As I write this, Mr. Chili and his best friends are out enjoying an evening at a local brewery. I’m so glad this came together, and I’m grateful to the men who traveled great distances to make it happen. They say a measure of a man is in his friends….
I’m STILL thinking about the recent rise in domestic terrorist actions. These things, in particular, made me think that maybe Improbable Joe is on to something…
First, there’s this article by Joseph A. Palermo about the spin job that extreme-right talking heads are trying to put on the shooting at the Holocaust Museum in DC.
Yesterday afternoon Glenn Beck and two of his guests argued that Adolph Hitler and the Nazi Party were “leftwing”; that “political correctness” led the committed white supremacist, James Von Brunn, to shoot a security guard at the Holocaust Museum in Washington, DC; and that ultimately President Barack Obama is the one responsible for the violence because his “bailouts” and “Socialistic” policies are engendering widespread anger. Beck denounced those who claim he is “churning the pot” because, he says, “the pot is already boiling.”
This piece from Here and Now (go here and look up June 12th – the story titled Hate Crimes in America; I can’t do a direct link to the story) was on the radio this afternoon:
We speak to hate crime expert Mark Potok of the Intelligence Project at the Southern Poverty Law Center about this week’s shooting at the US Holocaust Museum and the murder of abortion provider, Dr George Tiller. He says hate crimes are on the rise — as the nation’s demographics change and the economy worsens.
I’m also interested in this piece by Ed over at Gin and Tacos where he postulates that some in the right-wing camp are baking slowly away from the nutjobs they have been stirring up.
I have to hand it to Smith, who apparently has a conscience, for his restraint. He does everything except stare into the camera and scream “What the fuck is wrong with you people?” Unfortunately for Shep, it’s going to be hard to develop his line of argument without addressing the key role played by his employer and colleagues in stoking exactly the kind of paranoid, apocalyptic attitude which so horrifies him.
Finally, I came across this audio clip of Wiley Drake (who, it seems, is a Baptist minister with some sway) on Fox News Radio claiming that Dr. Tiller had it coming. His prayers were answered, he said, in Tiller’s murder and, what’s more, he’s actively praying for President Obama’s death.
I’m starting to develop a mild undercurrent of panic.
I am Mom’s primary caretaker. That is, I think, as it should be; it’s something I’m very good at, Mom is comfortable with me, and I’ve had the time to give.
That last bit, though, is going to change soon. The girls are finished with school on the 24th (I KNOW! They’re kind of lamenting all those snow days now, boy!). Once they’re out of school, though, my free days evaporate. I’m still trying to figure out how I’m going to work around that.
I suspect, though, that the Universe will unfold exactly as it should. Take today for example: I’ve committed to being with Mom literally all day; Bill left for work at 9 (well, he left to run errands and have lunch for his birthday with a friend – his work day starts at 12:30) and won’t be back until after 9. Mom’s sister Samantha (remember her?) is coming tonight around 7 and staying through tomorrow (when I won’t be able to care for Mom for reasons I can’t discuss just now; I’ll tell you about it tomorrow) and I’ve promised to stay and help her get on track. Mr. Chili has promised to chaperone Punkin’ Pie’s band trip to an amusement park. They’re leaving at about 2:00 and not coming back until well after 9:00 tonight.
That leaves Beanie by herself for the whole of the afternoon and evening, and that’s entirely out of the question.
In steps the parents of Beanie’s best girlfriend (who, coincidentally, is also called “Beanie.” It’s actually less confusing than it is convenient; I yell “Beanie” and they both come running!). I called May, Beanie’s mom, and asked if she’d be willing to keep MY Beanie for the afternoon. She leaped on the request; not only would she meet my Bean off the bus and keep her all afternoon, she’d keep her overnight, too. “Don’t worry about a THING,” she told me, “We’re happy to have her.”
It’s not a huge thing that May’s doing. I would absolutely take her Beanie if the situation were reversed, and I wouldn’t think it an imposition at all; in fact, it’s actually easier to have girlfriends over for the girls; they entertain each other and, often, I forget there’s more than just my girls in the house.
It’s a huge thing for ME, though, to know that my daughter is well cared-for while I’m committed somewhere else. When I told my Bean this morning that she was going to her girlfriend’s for tonight, her response was “YAY!”
The hardest part of all of this, really, is that I feel I’ve been less present as a parent. I haven’t quite gotten to “guilt” yet – I suspect that things will work out in such a way that I don’t – but I’m really feeling my absence in their lives lately. Knowing that there are people out there who offer glad willingness to take care of my children while I can’t is making this whole experience that much easier.
I’ve got a couple of things going around in my head that I wanted to get said here:
1. Please know that, even if I’m not commenting, I’m still reading. I’m trying to sneak blog-reading time in during Mom’s naps, but I don’t always have the time (or the intellectual capacity) to leave a coherent and worthwhile comment. Maybe, from now on, I’ll just sign on to say “hey!”
2. I’m struck with a combination of profound sorrow and white-hot rage at the news of the racist who decided to assuage his hate and ignorance by bringing a gun to the Holocaust museum in Washington DC., and this comes fast on the heels of my horror and infuriation over the murder of Dr. Tiller. I don’t have words right now, but know for sure that I’m working on several choice ones for the hate and fear mongers who’ve been stirring these people up for the last year or so.
