close
The Wayback Machine - https://web.archive.org/web/20090321051013/http://www.imao.us:80/

March 20, 2009

Posted by Harvey at 3:07 pm

I defended Obama’s “Special Olympics” comment, but what I will NOT defend is the sanctimonious bulls@#$ response by Special Olympics Chairman Timothy Shriver, which says in part:

Finally, we invite the President to take the lead and consider hiring a Special Olympics athlete to work in the White House. In so doing, he could help end misperceptions about the talents and abilities of people with intellectual disabilities, and demonstrate their dignity and value to the world.

Ya know, if retards REALLY want to demonstrate their dignity and value, they can start by showing that they can take a joke at their expense, just like normal people.

And Shriver - Dude… chill.

Retarded people aren’t smart enough to know that the President was making fun of them. If any of them saw the show (which I doubt, because they tend to have early bedtimes), they probably heard Obama say “Special Olympics”, then got really excited, threw both arms in the air, and shouted “YAY! SPECIAL OLYMPICS!” with that endearing Elmer-Fudd-like speech impediment of theirs.

No harm, no foul. Obama’s got nothing to apologize for.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (28 votes, average: 3.39 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Frank J. at 2:03 pm

People were always comparing Iraq to Vietnam. I forget — did we win in Vietnam?

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (17 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Frank J. at 12:08 pm

So not only was Obama’s gift to Gordon Brown thoughtless, it’s also useless because the DVDs he gave him are the wrong encoding and won’t play on a UK DVD player. And he went on Jay Leno’s show last night and made fun of the disabled. We’re we supposed to have a smart president now surrounded by smart people? Man, we’re not even done with the first one hundred days yet; what’s the chance of him lasting until 2012 without accidentally launching nuclear missiles or setting the White House on fire? And if God forbid something happens to Obama like him getting his tongue stuck in the DVD drive of his computer and is unable to do his job, it’s Biden who would be taking over. He’s go to a foreign summit and come back with everyone declaring war on us. After him, the next in line is Pelosi.

Hunker down people; it’s only going to get worse before it gets better. Find your favorite canned food and stock up on it. Do the same for ammo. I don’t know how bad Obama is going to screw up, but hopefully there will still be some sort of breathable atmosphere in four years. If so, we can eventually pull through this.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (20 votes, average: 4.95 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Harvey at 10:11 am

Having watched the video of Obama’s “Special Olympics” comment

I’ll say this:

He was making fun of himself, and since his ineptitude at bowling is legendary, I’d say he was perfectly justified in making the remark. It was a choice bit of hyperbole.

Was it funny? Not especially, but not every joke’s a winner. Some are there just to keep the mood jovial & light-hearted. I think this did that.

The IMPORTANT question is: did the audience think it was funny?

No - because no one heard him say it.

The audience was too busy laughing at Leno saying “No, that’s very good. Yes. That’s very good, Mr. President.” and making an exaggerated ‘I’m trying not to laugh out loud’ gesture of covering his mouth with his hand.

In my semi-professional opinion as a self-described humorist, I’m giving Obama a pass on this one.

The question is, will his perpetually-offended grievence-constituency base do the same?

Shockingly, 21% of HuffPo’s Kool-Aid-drinking, Obamessiah-worshiping readership say “no”.

BERJAYA

While I’ll always consider these people idiots, at least on this one occasion, I won’t be calling them hypocrites.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (14 votes, average: 3.79 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Frank J. at 10:07 am

So people aren’t getting so angry at everything out of ignorance, over at PJM I breakdown how AIG is spending the $170 billion the federal government gave them.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (6 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Harvey at 8:44 am

From XKCD, on the MSM’s faux outrage over $165 million in bonuses coming out of a 175 BILLION dollar bailout:

The difference between a million and a billion is the difference between a sip of wine and 30 seconds with your daughter and a bottle of gin and a night with her.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (10 votes, average: 4.3 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Frank J. at 8:44 am

When Obama tries to explain away his stupidity on the Tonight Show, I hope he fails.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (18 votes, average: 4.89 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Basil at 7:23 am

BERJAYAThe president made a funny.

Only, some didn’t find it so funny.

ABC News reported Obama’s attempt at humor:

Towards the end of his approximately 40-minute appearance, the president talked about how he’s gotten better at bowling and has been practicing in the White House bowling alley.

He bowled a 129, the president said.

“That’s very good, Mr. President,” Leno said sarcastically.

It’s “like the Special Olympics or something,” the president said.

The audience laughed. Because The One can do no wrong.

However, if a conservative … say, Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity … had made such a comment, there’d be calls for his firing. And a calls for advertisers to boycott his radio show. And calls for … well, you get the idea.

But, no, it wasn’t an evil conservative. It was The Messiah that said that.

The lack of outcry makes me suspect that Special Olympics humor is now okay. You can’t use monkey in a joke, but you can compare someone’s actions to the Special Olympics. Got it? Good.

Still, I wouldn’t compare the president’s bowling to the Special Olympics.

Obama’s performance as president? There’s a possibility.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (24 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...

March 19, 2009

Posted by Frank J. at 7:48 pm

Crowder has a new video up about how much he hates Mexicans.

Know who is for enforcing federal law? Racists!

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (19 votes, average: 4.89 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Frank J. at 5:22 pm

PREVIOUS
Chapters 1 - 39 Archive

“I don’t like waiting,” Lulu said. “Every second I wait I get more and more cross.”

“Dammon needs to make us wait to show us he’s powerful.” They were sitting on the leather couched outside Dammon’s office, and Bryce was the only one who looked relaxed. Charlene was in full alert, watching their surrounding and Doug was looking around suspiciously too while cleaning out his ear with his pinky.

Lulu groaned. “Can’t he just show us he’s powerful by making his eyes glow red or something? That would save everyone time. One more minute, I’m going over and kicking down his door.”

“We’re not really in door kicking condition, Lu.” Charlene motioned to the sling her arm was in. Doug was also quite stiff due to the bandages under his t-shirt.

“Fine. Let’s play a game.” Lulu looked around the room. “I spy with my little eye something that is…” Lulu saw a familiar face. “…red. Didn’t I blow you up?”

Collette didn’t react. “Dammon will see you now.”

“Glad you got better!” Lulu headed for the office.

Bryce smiled at her. “You are a lovely vision in one piece.”

“Is she going to try and kill us?” Doug whispered to Charlene as he lugged a metal case along.

“Who knows? This is not a good idea.”

In the office, Dammon was standing behind his desk. “Can I get you all something to drink?”

“Are the drinks free?” Doug asked.

“No. In addition to running a criminal enterprise, I bartend. Tip jar is on the desk.”

“So how much are the drinks?”

Dammon looked to Bryce. “So this was the one worth all the trouble?”

Bryce took a seat. “We like to keep him around for his intense knowledge in astrophysics.”

Doug furrowed his brow. “What’s that?”

“Let’s get to business.” Dammon poured two scotches and walked over to hand Bryce one. “So where is the cube?”

Lulu snatched the scotch from him. “Elza’s girls got it. If it’s dangerous, I’d get it back from them soon because those bitches is crazy.” Lulu took a sip of the drink, and then spit it out on Dammon. “Holy crap, that’s strong!”

Dammon took a handkerchief out and blotted his jacket as he walked back behind his desk. “If my suit is already ruined, I guess there is no harm in getting blood on it… unless you’re offering to get the cube back.”

Bryce laughed. “Heck no; we’re out of the cube business. We have something else, though.” He snapped at Doug.

Doug with painful effort picked up the case and put it on Dammon’s desk and opened it.

“These are prototypes we stole from Ronove that allows a human to move through the wastelands unharmed,” Bryce explained. “It’s how we got out of there. I’m sure that’s worth quite a lot to some governments.”

“You were supposed to bring me the cube.”

“This is better than a cube,” Bryce said.

“It’s a cylinder!” Lulu added. “Cylinder beats cube — ask anyone.”

Dammon was silent a moment. “So you don’t know what ultimately went down at Ronove’s facility?”

Bryce grabbed the drink from Lulu and took a sip. “We just kept our heads down and got the hell out of there when the chaos broke out. You want to know what happened, ask Elza. Her psychos almost got us all killed.”

“Loch’s craft crashed into a mountain. No idea how that happened?”

“Maybe he was drunk,” Lulu suggested.

Dammon looked at the merchandise. “So how much do you expect me to pay for this?”

“Nothing,” Bryce said. “We just want you to give us our money back.”

Dammon was silent for a moment as he looked the group over. His eyes seemed to linger on Doug. Finally, he leaned towards them. “I don’t want to see any of you ever again.”

“But I’m so cute,” Lulu objected.

“It’s a deal,” Bryce said.

Dammon leaned back and hit a couple keys on a computer. “It’s done. Goodbye.”

Bryce nodded and slowly got up and led the way out of the office. In the hallway, Collette paid them no attention as they walked by while Charlene kept an eye on her until she was out of view. No one said a word until they left the building when Doug finally said, “So are we like rich now?”

Bryce checked their account on his handheld computer, and he never did answer Doug as he was too busy laughing.

* * * *

“It is great to see you!” Chimezie exclaimed. “I assume everything went well!”

“It did!” Doug answered. “We’re like–”

Bryce cut him off. “It went well. How is everyone doing here?”

“We are very happy to be here,” Chimezie said. They had rented pretty much all the rooms of a small rundown hotel in the worst part of town to house Hellbender’s new fan club, and most of them seemed to be in hallways talking — even those who didn’t share a language. “We are wondering what to do next.”

“We’ll get on figuring that out,” Bryce said.

“By the way, the man who helped us get off that craft is here to see you. He is in your room.” Chimezie then whispered, “Is he really a man?”

“I don’t think so,” Doug answered.

Bryce, Doug, Charlene, and Lulu headed down the hallway, and everyone greeted them warmly as they passed. “Being a hero sure is fun and all,” Bryce said to his friends, “but how much money can we give these people so we can abandon them on a clean conscience.”

“They could help us,” Doug objected.

“Help us what? Spend money?” Bryce opened the door to their room. Inside was a man looking out the window. “Hey — Ed is it? — we want out. We’re rich now, so we don’t really have any more interest in this whole conflict of the gods or what not.”

“It’s a conflict of devils, not gods.” Ed turned to face them. “You think you can avoid that?”

“We’ll try. And tell that Stan guy thanks for the help but please don’t bother contacting us again either.”

“I wouldn’t worry about running into him again; he’s done with you guys. You served your purpose.”

“You told me this stuff about God and devils was made up,” Doug said, “and there was no point to it.”

“And you didn’t believe me.” Ed smiled. “It’s easy to do things when the devil whispering in your ear telling you what you want to hear, but I wanted to see if you had faith. I wanted to see if you were worth my time.”

“Great; you can have Doug,” Bryce said. “I’m rich now, so I’m go to go buy a new suit and find a nice place to stay.”

“We can’t run from this,” Charlene said.

“On the contrary, didn’t Ed tell us the Trans can’t even tell us apart?” Bryce asked. “They won’t know who to come after.”

“What I said is that if an ant stings you, do you fear just that one ant?”

Doug felt a sense of dread. “You get angry and you smash the whole ant hill.”

“So while it seemed like Doug accomplished something smacking around Loch,” Lulu said, “he’s doomed us all. Super.”

“Unless you fight back.”

Bryce groaned in frustration. “So maybe we can strike against the Trans, but they have plenty of people under their command and we’re just a couple of losers with a few even more losery followers.” He turned to his friends. “Remember Death — the guy who exploded people — he knows who we are and he may be after us for this. We need to take our money and find some place to lay low.”

“Lie low,” Lulu corrected.

Bryce stared at Lulu a moment. “I don’t know; I think I might be correct there.” He turned back to Ed. “Anyway, we’re going to be low through some manner and leave battling gods for the more competent people.”

“You’re it, guys,” Ed said. “Most people alive today made their choice and sided with the demons. There is no turning back for them. You and your new friends are the closest thing there is to a force willing to fight for your world. You either do something, or it falls, for good. Satan got you to stir up the hornets’ nest for some reason, and you can be certain he’ll follow through. Will you?”

Doug stood next to Ed. “I’m fighting this, with or without you guys. I’m not going to go back to being nothing.”

Charlene stood next to him, put her arm around him, and smiled. “I’m with you.”

“And I like doing whatever is the new popular thing,” Lulu announced. “And Bryce is too big of a coward to be on his own, so he’ll join us too.”

Bryce didn’t say a word and walked back out into the hallway. They then heard him yell out, “I’ve decided we must fight back. It took some convincing, but I got my friends to go along with this. So who wants to follow me and be a part of Hellbender and take back this world?”

There was a loud cheer, and Lulu was seething with rage. “Asshole! I’m leader!”

* * * *

For the first time since Charlene could remember, she felt like there was some way this world could seem right. Still, there was something she had to handle first, and it gave her the first real sense of dread she had in some time.

Everyone was sleeping, and she slipped outside. It really was a horrible part of town, and there seemed to be someone around every corner who looked about ready to rob and kill her. She barely gave them attention though, and eventually came to an alleyway far away from the nearest working streetlight.

“Something seems to be on your mind, girl scout.”

Charlene turned around to see a pair of eyes barely visible in the moonlight. “It was never supposed to involve them, Lara. I was just supposed to help you into the military base and disappear with you guys.”

Lara chuckled. “And it matters to you that it involves them?”

She did feel silly, but though there was no rational reason for it, she felt sure of herself. Or she wanted to. “I want out.”

“Okay. You’re out. You know where to find us if you change your mind.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes, what do you expect? Elza never needed to fight to keep people loyal, she just supplies the truth. You can go back to your friends and play house and act like your actions matter, but how long will that last? You can’t unknow what you know, and you’ll only be able to believe the illusion for so long.”

Charlene was quiet for a moment. She didn’t have a response; she just wanted Lara to be wrong. “You ever wonder if there is something more to this than Elza tells us?”

“Constantly. But just because you want something to be true, doesn’t make it true.”

“So what are you all going to do now?”

“What does it matter? You’re out. There’s a war coming for this entire universe and more, and you can either be a part of the fight or just collateral damage. So, go have fun with your friends; I’ll see you when you tire of the fairy tale.”

Lara walked off leaving Charlene alone in the darkness. She wanted to be like Doug and believe they could fight and there would be some purpose and some end to it, but she feared Lara was right. She was too far gone to wallow in such ignorance again.

When she left the alleyway, a man called out something lewd to her. She pulled out her gun and shot him in the face. Then she continued on like nothing happened, because nothing did.

* * * *

“I don’t remember the gates of hell being decorated with bunnies.”

Elza gave the small metal cube to Stan who looked at it with interest. “It seems so feeble now.”

“Of course, you’ve given the others something else to fear.”

“The fools thought they could run away from what they are; I just had to show them the futility of that.” He looked into the cube, beyond its physical form to the eternal void it concealed. And he smiled. “There’s only one end to this.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (20 votes, average: 4.2 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Frank J. at 1:42 pm

Palin is still slaughtering wolves from a helicopter. Why? Because she’s awesome.

And she doesn’t like wolves.

That’s not her only controversial pest control method. Here are some others:

* Anti-gopher bunker busting bombs.

* 50 foot tall squirrel-killing battlemech.

* Humvee for running over hippies.

* Ship mounted field mouse-killing railgun.

* Anti-weed cruise missile.

* Mosquito death star.

* The Mexi-Cannon.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (20 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Frank J. at 10:47 am

Though I never would have voted Obama in a billion years, I realize I drank a little of the Obama Kool-Aid as I’m actually surprised by what a monumental screw up he’s been so far. I expected him to temper his liberal politics with a bit of pragmatism — much like Bill Clinton — and didn’t expect him to be this blundering. Cutting health care for wounded vets? That’s so horrible, you think it should be a rumor on Snopes. The thing is, there really was no reason to think Obama would be any better than he’s being; how would you expect someone with no accomplishments and no leadership to act as president? I actually fell for “Obama sounds smart so he must be smart.” Now I guess we get to find out what it’s like to have a president as dumb as George W. Bush sounded.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (42 votes, average: 4.81 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...

March 18, 2009

Posted by Frank J. at 5:54 pm

If there was a peace prize in the Awesomeness Awards, this would totally win. It could save tons of people in a totally awesome way: Killing mosquitoes with a heat-seeking laser. It will fry them mid-flight by the millions using leftover technology from SDI. This is a text book example of why you don’t mess with humans: Other animals may just swat at mosquitoes, but we make an automated laser cannon.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (20 votes, average: 4.85 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Frank J. at 4:35 pm

I hear that AIG, tired of paying out insurance policies, took out an insurance policy on the American economy with Lloyd’s of London. If the economy collapses, they make trillions!

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (17 votes, average: 4.82 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Frank J. at 11:47 am

DICK CHENEY ASSASSINATION SQUAD FAQ

Q. How did we first hear about the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad?
A. Noted smart person Seymour Hersh revealed the squad’s existence as reported by noted news-type person and silly dancing monkey Keith Olbermann.

Q. What was Keith Olbermann’s reaction?
A. Here is it in its entirety.

Q. If there really was a Dick Cheney Assassination Squad, wouldn’t Seymour Hersh have wound up dead before he could tell anyone?
A. He hasn’t officially reported his findings, and he has been found dead, his body split into five pieces, four of them scattered to the distant corners of the earth.

Q. Where’s the fifth piece?
A. Scientists theorize it’s on one of Saturn’s moons.

Q. Holy crap!
A. Yeah, that’s what happens to you when you mess with the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad!

Q. Is there any other evidence of it?
A. IMAO reader Michael Rutman sent in this photo he took:

BERJAYA

It appears to be Dick Cheney on a non-avian armed with what looks to be a laser cannon. This goes along with what most theorize a Dick Cheney Assassination Squad would be like.

Q. What proof is there that the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad has dinosaurs?
A. Can you imagine a Dick Cheney Assassination Squad without some sort of dinosaur mount? Do you have any idea how ludicrous that sounds?

Q. What are the qualifications to join the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad?
A. You must:
* Be a Republican.
* Have shot a lawyer in the face.
* Not have allergies to dinosaurs.
* Have never let a hippie come within one hundred feet of you without being punched.
* Own stock in Halliburton.
Additionally, it helps to be part robot like Dick Cheney.

Q. Can you be fully a robot?
A. Of course not. Having robots riding dinosaurs is just asking for trouble.

Q. But cyborgs are okay?
A. Yes! Stop acting like this is a complicated distinction, nimrod!

Q. So who are the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad assassinating?
A. Buy a foreign newspaper and check the obituaries. That’s them.

Q. Can anyone stop the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad?
A. Dennis Kucinich is going to try.

Q. Isn’t he afraid the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad is going to come after him?
A. If that happens, he plans to hide on someone’s lawn by disguising himself as a lawn gnome.

Q. Does he have the pointy red hat to pull that off?
A. He has a variety of them for whether the occasion is formal or casual.

Q. What would hiding from the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad be?
A. I believe that’s casual, but don’t quote me on that.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (38 votes, average: 4.76 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Frank J. at 10:28 am

I read this editorial by Jack Cafferty and it instantly made me think of the editorial I wrote last week for Pajamas Media. What do you think?

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (13 votes, average: 4.69 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Harvey at 10:00 am

Obama will no longer refer to Guantanamo inmates as “enemy combatants”.

Guess we’ll need some sort of new, politically correct term for them.

How about:


The new Washington Generals?
BERJAYA

* Playful roughhousers

* Persons of misunderstanding

* Gitmo Morphin Power Rangers

* Ticking time bombs

* Immoral aliens

* The Obama Tabernacle Choir

* Shot while escaping

* Haji’s Heroes (starring Barack Obama as Col. Klink)

* The Waterboardettes

* Proof that liberals are spineless pansies who can’t be trusted with our national security


Of course, I’ll just call them what I’ve always called them:

F@#$ing terrorists.

Any other suggestions?

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (31 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Harvey at 9:01 am

What if the Federal government were a corporation?

Would its website look like this?

BERJAYA

Kylon Gustin of BusinessPlanAdvice.com thinks so and brilliantly walks the line between parody and “What crazy scheme is Obama floating THIS time?”.

Become part of the collective
Get what’s coming to you. We’re here to take from the rich and give to you.

Are there services we are not currently offering that you need?
Remember, Big Brother’s mission is to provide free social services to the masses and create a dependent society resulting in our entrenchment into every aspect of their lives. If there is some aspect of your life that we have missed, please let us know.

Yeah, it made me giggle, but part of me was thinking “Don’t give them any ideas!”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (18 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Frank J. at 8:55 am

When Obama tries to set his Tivo to record Grey’s Anatomy, I hope he fails.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (21 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...

March 17, 2009

Posted by Frank J. at 10:49 pm

Sorry, but the WP schedule post function has been only working about 50/50 for me lately, so the Hellbender chapter didn’t go up when it was supposed. Hopefully I’ll figure it out soon or I’ll get this cool collection of lost posts that were supposed to be published but never went up and became forgotten.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (4 votes, average: 3.25 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Frank J. at 10:47 pm

PREVIOUS
Chapters 1 - 39 Archive

The glass shattered as Ronove’s body slammed into it. Doug leapt in after it and ran to Charlene. She tensed in fright as Doug touched her. “It’s okay; it’s me. I’m going to get you out of here.”

She opened her eyes and looked at him. “Doug? I’m so sorry for all of this. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. There’s nothing to it. We just–”

Doug felt as if he was slammed by a tree and was knocked across the room. “Ronove’s plans were to have me inflict pain on the other and leave you be,” said the terrible voice of Loch. “I don’t see why I can’t just tear the both of you apart.”

Doug grabbed his sword and stood back up. “Is that all you got, you little bitch?” He looked around the room; it was empty except for him, Charlene, and Ronove’s crumpled body. It did seem hard to fight someone who didn’t even exist in Doug’s dimension, but he had his theory on it.

Five daggers ripped into Doug’s back. They then pressed upwards, lifting him off his feet. Doug couldn’t even scream in pain, but Charlene was screaming enough for the both of them. He realized he was being lifter up by a massive claw, and the pain was so unbearable his body just wanted to shut down. “I am just beginning, human,” Loch said. “You may not be able to imagine a greater pain, but soon you will not have to imag–”

Doug had turned around his sword and stabbed backwards, and it hit something. Doug was dropped to the ground, and looked up to see a winged demon standing over him. It appeared to be a combination or rock and muscle with giant horns upon its head which were both threatening and somewhat clichéd. Doug’s sword stuck out of its midsection. Doug stood up, his head coming to about its chest, and looked up to its red eyes which seemed to be staring back in shock. “You don’t seem to like taking form in this world,” Doug said to it, “and I think I know why. You’re scared. I may have been smacked around my entire life, but I will not be done in by a worthless coward!”

Loch roared, shaking the room, he swung down, breaking the sword sticking out of him. “You think harming some physical form I made means anything to me?!”

Doug shrugged. “Yeah, sorta, I guess.”

Loch spread his powerful wings, smashing apart the walls beside him. He then snatched Doug with one of his massive claws, and shot up into the air, breaking through the ceiling above him. Doug tried to pry open the fingers, but there was no moving them. Soon he was let go, though, and fell to the hard ground. He was back on top of his Loch’s ship, and flames erupted all around him. Against them, he could see the silhouettes of hundreds of Loch’s creatures. Up against the purple sky floated the massive Loch, the sky cracking with thunder behind him. It seemed like quite a bit of overkill to intimidate one man, and Doug couldn’t help but feel it was a bit pathetic. Frankly, the whole fighting a being beyond his understanding was going a lot better for Doug than he hoped.

Doug stood up as Loch went into another monologue about how Doug was nothing compared to him and how the pain he inflicted would be super bad and Doug would not care for it at all. It was getting quite tedious. “Are you going to do something?” Doug called out. “Or are you just going to float safe up there like a little sissy?”

Loch did not respond right away.

“Okay,” Doug said. “I’m going to go find my friends and get off of this ship, and you can stay up there talking about how powerful you are.” Doug turned to leave and then felt like he was hit by a truck. He was back on the ground with Loch on top of him. A claw grabbed him by the head and lifted him in the air. Doug held on with one hand and swung out at hard as he could with the other. It felt like he punched rock, but the hand released him and he landed back on his feet facing Loch. “You really can’t take it, can you?”

Loch roared, and spires of rock shot up around Doug. “I can twist this universe apart if I so desired!”

“No you can’t; you suck!” was the best Doug could come up with a retort at the moment. He then charged Loch, ramming him with his shoulder and knocking the beast against one of the rock spires, shattering it. Loch was back to his feet quickly and swung his claw at Doug. Doug blocked it and was just barely able to keep standing. “You hit like a girl!” _A really large one made of rock._

Before Doug could react, Loch had snatched both Doug’s arms and lifted him into the air. “Enough of this. Now I rip you apart.” He then began to pull Doug’s arms out while he hung there defenseless.

Loch cried out and dropped Doug. Behind Loch stood Charlene who let out another kick to where would be Loch’s kidney if he had them. “You’re not looking quite infinitely powerful right now,” she said while trying to look brave, but she seemed even smaller than usual compared to the massive beast. Loch turned towards her.

“Don’t you touch her!” Doug tackled Loch, but Loch grabbed him by the leg and swung him into Charlene. Charlene was back up first and tried to punch Loch, but Loch grabber her arm and struck it with his fist. There was an audible snap and Charlene screamed in pain. Enraged, Doug ran at Loch again, but was stopped as a claw shredded into his gut. He fell to the ground next to Charlene, his hand covered in blood as it held the wound at his belly.

Loch stood over them. “You things never realize the futility of your existence until its–”

A wall exploded behind Loch, toppling him over. As the dust cleared, Doug saw numerous figures emerge from inside the ship. Loch stood up at roared at them.

“Oh crap,” Bryce said. “Um… before you get too angry, realize this wouldn’t have happened if you had an easier to navigate ship layout.”

Lulu stood next to Bryce. “So, we see you can become the form of a powerful demon, but I bet you can’t turn into something small like a mouse.”

“Now I end you all!” Loch screamed.

“We’re not scared of you demon!” Chimezie called out.

Bryce stepped behind Chimezie. “I wouldn’t go that far.”

“I will crush you fleas!”

Doug got back to his feet, one hand clutching his wound as the other helped Charlene back up. “If you’re so powerful, then strike me down.”

“I have nothing to prove to any of you!” Loch shouted, the whole ship shaking at his words.

“Well, I have something to prove.” Doug walked towards Loch, his left hand over his stomach and his right hand in a fist. “So I’m going to give you a proper ass-kicking in front of all these people. How does that sound?”

Loch roared as he swung at Doug, but Doug left hand came up and blocked it as he hooked Loch in the face with his right. He felt blood spatter, and the blood burned his skin like acid.

It was a good hurt.

Doug smashed Loch in the face again and he fell to the ground. He didn’t look massive or powerful anymore; just a pathetic writhing little goblin. Doug reached down and grabbed him by the neck, held him, and slammed him against a wall. Loch tried to feebly claw apart Doug’s grip, but he could hardly even feel the effort.

“You can’t–” Loch shrieked.

Doug tightened his grip on Loch’s throat. “Shut up! You listen to me now! You tell the others they can’t push us around anymore! This isn’t your world, and if you want it, you’ll have to fight us for it!” Doug threw Loch aside. The flames were now gone and Doug couldn’t see anymore of Loch’s creatures. It was just Loch, cowering as he looked at the people around him. He scampered for the edge of the ship and jumped off.

“Ow!” Doug finally exclaimed as he clutched his wound at his stomach and back and fell to the ground. The others quickly ran to him.

“Do you see the power of faith now?” Chimezie asked him.

“I think… something like that,” Doug answered weakly. “Can you die from stomach wounds?”

Bryce knelt beside him. “No, the stomach is one of those useless organs like tonsils.”

Charlene sat next to him as well, holding her arm. “Just hang in there, please. We’ve kinda been through a lot to see you die now.”

“Yeah, don’t piss us off,” Lulu said. “If you die, you’re out of the group.”

“You hero. You save us,” said one woman, smiling. The rest of Hellbender who Doug still didn’t know very well stood around him looking at him in awe.

“What have you done?” cried out another voice. Ronove’s broken body now stood on the surface of the ship.

“I guess we stick to the plan.” Lulu walked towards him, and before he could say another word, she punched him in the face.

Ronove’s body fell to the ground. It stirred for a moment, and then ripped apart as a being of massive being of blue light sprung up from the corpse and towered over Hellbender. “Do you think you can win this?” it screamed. “We are eternal beings! In due time, we will end you all!”

Lulu took a few steps back in shock, but Bryce came up and stood beside her. “So, are you going to deal with us now or later?”

Ronove floated above them for a moment more, and then faded away.

“Good. Later works better for our schedules too.”

Suddenly the darkness of the wasteland ripped away and there were out into blue skies. As their eyes adjusted to the light, they could hear explosions and gun shots around them.

“What’s happening?” Doug called out, trying to stand back up.

Charlene looked over the edge of the ship. “Asmod and Serpine are still fighting.”

“I think they’re avoiding us because we have the big scary ship,” Lulu said, and then leaned over the edge. “We beat up two gods today! You’re nothing! Bring it!”

Doug limped over to take a look. He could see fighter ships and winged beasts, but they were all heading away from their craft. Loch’s vessel kept moving, and soon they were away from the warzone and over green fields with a blue and lightly cloudy sky above them. The others they had freed with Chimezie looked about with hopeful smiles. Doug walked over to Charlene and put his arm around her. Despite the loss of blood, he couldn’t help but smile himself. “It’s a pretty world, isn’t it?”

“It can be.” She smiled back at him. “So how the hell do we get down from here?”

NEXT

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (17 votes, average: 4 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Frank J. at 3:09 pm

The ATF always sounded like a neat agency, but what if they also had to regulate snack food and sporting events? Then they’d be the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Nacho Cheese, and Football. How cool would that be?

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (21 votes, average: 3.81 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Frank J. at 1:43 pm

I know the iPhone is supposed to be the cool tech device, but how everyone is getting excited that it might finally have cut & paste makes it seem like something cavemen use. Wow! 1980s tech! What’s its other new features? It will interface with a Commodore 64?

Anyway, if I want one device to do everything so I have less to carry around, it also needs to be able to shoot people.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (25 votes, average: 4.6 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Frank J. at 12:31 pm

Everyone seems pretty interested in the Dick Cheney assassination squad, so I may have to do some investigative reporting into it. Is it anything like Charlie’s Angels? Do they have dinosaurs with rocket launchers as part of the team? How about dinosaurs with lasers cannons? How does one join?

I’ll need to figure out how to contact Dick Cheney and see if he’ll deny its existence. That would pretty much prove it’s real since everyone knows you can’t trust Dick Cheney.

We’ll probably find out the truth soon enough, though, as Dennis Kucinich is now on the case. Then again, that time it seemed like he had photographic evidence of weird space aliens it ended up it was just a picture of him that had been mis-filed.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (18 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
Posted by Harvey at 11:45 am

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


BERJAYA

BERJAYA

BERJAYA

BERJAYA

BERJAYA

BERJAYA

BERJAYA

BERJAYA


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture (again, sorry for the uninspiring picture):

Two from Rick of The Rabid Conservative:
BERJAYA

BERJAYA


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

BERJAYA


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and - if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad - I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (12 votes, average: 4.75 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...