�Push�
by Viridian5
8/13/23

RATING: PG-13; Hakkai/Gojyo. If m/m interaction bothers you, pass this by.
SPOILERS: �Burial �Gojyo and Hakkai�� and �Be There.�
SUMMARY: Sometimes Hakkai just can�t help himself.
ARCHIVAL/DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere, as long as you ask me first.
FEEDBACK: can be sent to Viridian5@aol.com.
DISCLAIMERS: All things Saiyuki belong to Kazuya Minekura. No infringement intended.
NOTES: Thanks to Akira 17 for beta.

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�Push�
by Viridian5
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Sometimes Hakkai couldn�t help himself, and he hated that lack of self-control. He hated the unjustified argument he�d yanked poor Gojyo into and the way it kept looping around without going anywhere but couldn�t stop.

He knew he had no right to this. Gojyo had told him in advance that he�d stay out late drinking with friends and not to make dinner or wait up for him. Although Hakkai didn�t really approve of that lifestyle, he knew that Gojyo still enjoyed some aspects of that life and needed to keep up contact with the bar scene since he made more money playing cards than he did doing handywork around town. Gojyo hadn�t even woken him up coming home at about 4 a.m.; Hakkai had been awake stewing already, something he shouldn�t blame Gojyo for. Although Hakkai could scent some perfume on Gojyo amidst the stale cigarette smoke smell, he could tell Gojyo hadn�t had a one-night stand and knew women liked to hang on him as he played (and Gojyo sometimes craved any kind of positive female attention and found it difficult to say no to women or disappoint them due to issues from his childhood). Gojyo had toned it all down a lot though and went out bar crawling less often, for Hakkai�s sake, a direct result of them talking more and communicating better after the Banri situation. He used to invite Hakkai to come along but stopped after Hakkai refused every time. They were different people with some different interests, and they shouldn�t do everything together anyway.

Still, Hakkai felt angry and hurt somehow.

Hakkai was being unreasonable, knew he was being unreasonable, which unfortunately only made his tongue sharper and more venomous. They were both very tired and Gojyo was somewhat drunk, increasing the odds that they might say something very hurtful they would regret, but Hakkai couldn�t let this drop and didn�t know what would have to happen or Gojyo would have to say to do so. He didn�t blame Gojyo for being frustrated with him when he was frustrated with himself.

In that anger and frustration, Gojyo paced the room, smoked hard and fast, and made occasional sharp, emphatic gestures with his arms and hands, animated and vibrant. The loose hair around his face swung with his movements, revealing and concealing his facial expressions by turns.

In response to Hakkai�s umpteenth iteration about being upset that Gojyo had come home so late and skipped dinner, Gojyo reiterated, �I told you where I was going and that I�d be back late so don�t make me dinner or wait up. I told you I didn�t want you to do it, and you know it. I did everything I was supposed to do!� Correct, all of it. But then Gojyo said, escalating, �Sometimes... I feel like you do that and all the cleaning to make me feel guilty and like I owe you something... and to make me feel... less than. Less than you. Undeserving. I don�t ask or want you to do that, and I tell you that. There are times when you make the place too clean, too neat, like... sterile... and it sets my teeth on edge and... and makes me feel like I�m dirtying it just being here, and this is my home! My home and sometimes I�m afraid to be in it and do things in it!� Gojyo stubbed his cigarette out, hard, in a nearby ash tray. �You know this, right, so why the fuck do you keep doing it? Do you... do you enjoy making me feel this way? Is that the point of this? What the fuck?� His eyes looked wetter and he was pulling on some of the hair near his face.

Something inside Hakkai unlocked or unknotted or... something at these words, these insights, throwing cold water on the fires of his emotions. He had guessed... kind of known, but he hadn�t known. He didn�t know the level of housekeeping Gojyo was accustomed to from childhood, what his unstable, abusive stepmother had been capable of, but doubted it had been tidy or even healthy, and Gojyo certainly hadn�t bothered to keep his own living conditions as clean as he should. He�d told himself he made the apartment a nicer, healthier environment for them both and Gojyo would get used to it and see the value in it. And kept telling himself that even as it became ever more obvious that Gojyo still didn�t and probably still wouldn�t in the future because Hakkai knew better than Gojyo did. Was smarter and wiser than Gojyo. Did he look down on him that much?

What kind of fucked-up person would make his loved one feel unwelcome, disgusting, and inferior in his own home?

Some small, horrible part of Hakkai thought all this was worth it--attacking and hurting Gojyo was worth it--for the important information he�d just pried out of him.

He felt sick at himself. �Gojyo, I�m sorry. I�m sorry. I don�t mean to do that. Please don�t.�

Still pulling on some of his hair, Gojyo put his other hand up to his face, covering his eyes, and took unsteady breaths. �Why d�you gotta be like this sometimes?�

�I don�t know. Sometimes it�s like there�s a devil inside me... I�m sorry, and I�m not going to fight with you anymore. Please stop hurting yourself over this. I�m not worth it.� When Gojyo put his hands down, Hakkai could see some red strands still clinging to his fingers, appalling him all over again.

Gojyo seemed unsteady on his feet and more tired after his confession and blast of emotions. �That�s not-- Don� say you�re not worth it.�

Hakkai moved closer to him. �I�m done. I�m sorry. Let�s go to bed. To sleep. I�ll be more reasonable in the morning.�

�I�ll take the couch--�

Gently touching Gojyo�s arm, Hakkai replied, �I won�t hear of it, especially after I kept you up even later. It�s your bed too.� It was, in fact, Gojyo�s bed first.

�I smell like the bottom of an ash tray.�

While Hakkai tried to keep a clean, nearly sterile home and would no doubt object to that smell getting into fresh, clean sheets. �It�s alright.�

But Gojyo still seemed uncomfortable and looked like he had something to say but felt hesitant about doing it.

�Gojyo.�

�...after we just fought like this?�

It stung. Had he damaged Gojyo�s trust and affection that badly? Did Gojyo feel unsafe near him? (Should he?) �I�m done. Please let me make it up to you.�

�...okay.� Gojyo always did forgive quickly, sometimes too quickly, but Hakkai would prove himself worthy of it.

Hakkai gently guided Gojyo to the bedroom, though he let go and looked away when Gojyo removed his hair tie and clothes to dress for bed. After their argument and how unconscionably far he�d pushed Gojyo, he shouldn�t be leering at him. Though Gojyo putting on only pajama bottoms and leaving his chest bare didn�t make it easy. As they went under the covers and settled in, Gojyo didn�t lie as close to Hakkai as he usually did and put his back to him, but not angrily, he did it sadly, as if it hurt him too. Although it wounded Hakkai�s heart, he couldn�t say he didn�t deserve it and he respected that boundary.

But then he awoke what might be several hours later all but wrapped around Gojyo, holding him tightly, face to face, their legs intertwined, warm bodies pressed together... erection to erection. His hands on Gojyo�s bare back.... The curtains blocked out a lot of morning light but he could still see Gojyo�s sleeping face and unfairly long eyelashes. It only added to the lust he felt... and felt bad about. He had no right to molest Gojyo after having spent so long fighting him a few hours ago that Gojyo had reached the edge of tears and the point of tearing his own hair out. He should let go of him, but moving like that would surely wake him up, interrupt his sleep....

Hakkai didn�t know if he should glean anything from how being clutched so tightly hadn�t woken Gojyo up.

This lust could seem like a ridiculous mood swing on his part but with more thought he saw both drives coming from the same origin: Possessive, he wanted Gojyo with him whenever he wanted, and on his own terms. He couldn�t blame it on becoming youkai because he�d been almost the same with Kanan. Some people thought the 1,000 youkai and about 50 human corpses he�d created had been a disproportionate response to her kidnapping, although he still couldn�t quite agree, especially given what had happened to her in youkai hands and how she�d taken her own life as a result. If someone did similar things to Gojyo, he�d probably commit atrocities then too. The small group that�d recently taken Gojyo hostage, knocked him around a bit, and attempted to kill him had gotten off fairly easily, getting quick incapacitating injuries to put them down and render them unconscious since he was trying not to be a killer these days, but if Hakkai ever saw Banri again, he�d do everything slowly, make the pain really last....

When Gojyo made an adorable little sound and nuzzled into Hakkai more in his sleep, Hakkai felt like he might burst. Yes, he would commit atrocities to protect, save, and if necessary, avenge Gojyo, who deserved to have someone looking out for him and taking care of him.

�Are we okay?� Gojyo murmured softly, sleepily, his warm breath ghosting over Hakkai�s ear.

�Yes.� Hakkai would make it so.

He could do the other, sexual, things he wanted later, at a better time.

When Hakkai awoke again a few hours later, no longer entwined with Gojyo, he saw Gojyo with an arm over his eyes, grimacing in pain, badly hung over. �Fuuuuuuuuuck,� Gojyo groaned. �I was gonna drink more water last night....�

But he didn�t because Hakkai had yanked him into a long, circular argument instead. Usually in this situation, Hakkai would chide Gojyo for his terrible life choices and taunt him a little, then maybe offer a pain reliever, but given his partial responsibility here, he only said, �I�ll get you a painkiller and a glass of water.�

Gojyo seemed surprised, obviously expecting the usual reaction. �That�d be really nice, thanks.� A moment later he asked, �...does this mean anything?�

Hakkai felt simultaneously dismayed and pleased to be known like this. He knew Gojyo was much smarter than many people thought, but was Hakkai also less subtle than he liked to think he was?

It would be very unsubtle if he asked Gojyo how much of last night he remembered.

He went for honesty. �I don�t like seeing you in pain and apologize for how I contributed to it.�

Gojyo might still have his arm covering his eyes, but Hakkai could easily see his smile.

***********************THE END**********************

More Viridian5 stories can be found in The Green Room version 3.0 at http://viridian.shriftweb.org/

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Fandoms represented: Saiyuki, Wei� Kreuz, GetBackers, Trinity Blood, Andromeda, due South, Hard Core Logo, Twitch City, X-Files, Once a Thief, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie, Angel, Two Guys and a Girl (was Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place), X-Men, Smallville, Doctor Who, Fight Club, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine