This is true, this is real, this is Straight Edge

Satchel and Michael Starr from Steel Panther

2015-06-19T03:47:48Z

At about 1:18 Michael licks Satchel's guitar!

Avengers: Age of Ultron thoughts and reactions

2015-05-07T04:25:11Z

This movie leaves me with mixed feelings. I can't even describe it as mediocre, because what it does well, it does GREAT. But it's like 1/3 brilliant to 2/3 lazy, and it's FRUSTRATING.

First, the good stuff.

-- Ultron is, unexpectedly, my favorite part of the movie. He's one of the MCU's most memorable villains: he's bizarre, he's funny, he's conscious of supervillain tropes and deliberately avoids them, and he's scary. If anything, I wish he was SCARIER, but in a weird sort of way, his amiability makes him creepier than if they had just gone with a generic "kill all humans" murderbot. When he cuts off Klaue's arm, Ultron actually seems surprised, as though he hadn't meant to maim the guy and is as surprised as Klaue that he just did that.

-- The Clint/Hawkeye scenes are all great, and it's obvious that Whedon enjoys writing the character. The scenes with his wife and kids have a sweetness to them that can't be faked.

-- The Bruce/Natasha stuff is fine for what it is. I disagree with a lot of fandom on this: I can totally see why Natasha would fall for this guy, and I like that she's the aggressor when it comes to pursuing a relationship with him. I feel like this romance was developed as a way to give Natasha an active choice, something the character has never really had. Up till now, her story has given Natasha the choice between 'kill people for the Red Room', 'kill people for SHIELD', or now, 'kill people for the Avengers'. That's not much of a fucking choice to give a strong independent woman who don't need no man. At least in wanting to be with Bruce, Natasha displays some initiative for herself that isn't just who she chooses to kill people for.

-- At the same time, I can understand why Bruce would be so reluctant to put her in harm's way by being with her. I don't see that scene of Natasha revealing her sterility to him as being "oh I'm a monster because I'm sterile" the way some have interpreted it. She's saying to him that not being able to have kids is not a dealbreaker for her, because she's in the same position. Natasha doesn't think of herself as a monster because she's sterile -- she thinks of herself as a monster because killing comes easily to her.

-- The Hulkbuster vs. Hulk fight is well done.

-- Tony and Thor trying to one-up each other by bragging about their girlfriends is very in-character for both of them.

-- Nice touch at Steve being the one to express sympathy for the Maximoff twins and their plight.

-- For that matter, the Maximoff twins telling Ultron the story of their parents' deaths and why they hate Tony Stark is decent enough for an exposition-y bit.

-- The Vision looks cool.

The bad:

-- There is so much set-up and so little pay-off in this movie. Why isn't there a scene where Tony is confronted by the Maximoffs and has to face what his warmongering past did to them? It never happens. Not only that, but there is seriously no reason either twin should want to join the Avengers. I get why they agree to take down Ultron, but neither Pietro nor Wanda have any reason or inclination to join the Avengers, and yet they do. WTF.

-- No scene where Ultron possesses the Iron Man armor. Tony flies around in intelligent metal suits, and Ultron never bothers to take advantage of this? WTF.

-- What is even the point of killing off Pietro/Quicksilver? There's not even a scene of Wanda mourning him. It seems to happen purely so Whedon can have his Whedonism and kill somebody off. I'm inclined to think that Whedon was bitter enough about this being his last MCU project that he killed Pietro out of spite, to keep a future director from getting to use the twins as a unit.

-- Thor seems pretty aimless. You get the impression the script was trying to find something for him to do. Cap doesn't fare much better; he just ambles in to nod approvingly or twirl in the air or give Tony the conflict and validation that he needs, by turns, without any rhyme or reason. It's more obvious than ever that Whedon has NO IDEA how to write either character. This is not surprising, as 99% of fandom can't write Steve or Thor either, but what is disappointing in a fan writer becomes infuriating in a highly paid, trained, experienced director.

-- Tony does a LOT of talking without ever saying very much. I think you could cut 80% of his dialogue without losing a thing. It's like the more Whedon tries to explain his motivations, the murkier Tony's motivations actually become.

-- The momentum from Cap 2 sputters out, as Cap and Falcon play pool and rub elbows with the Avengers. Bucky? Who the hell is Bucky?

-- The Avengers fight gazillions of robot mooks (who are seemingly as easily torn apart as tissue paper)... just like they fought gazillions of alien mooks in the first movie.

-- The audience snickered at the Ant-Man trailer. Not even giggled. Snickered.

More stupid DD opinions (this time from lj)

2015-04-25T19:31:11Z

So Astolat has some less than flattering things to say about the new Daredevil series. Okay, cool, some of what she says has merit. Let's talk about that. But she tries to go a little SJW on the show having POC villains (as well as white villains) and that's kinda rich considering...

The fic I referenced, btw, is right here on her A03 page, where Kingpin (as played by the dearly departed Michael Clark Duncan) rapes Daredevil, which means Astolat depicts a black man raping a white man. Yo, how the fuck can you talk shit when you're guilty of the same fucking thing? Astolat should know that depiction does not equal endorsement. Or is it only bad when its a TV show that she doesn't care for depicting such things?

Stupid Daredevil meta

2015-04-25T16:39:00Z

From this post on Marvel's awesome Daredevil series:

For another: what the hell is fire to a blind person? You can’t touch fire (without dire consequences). You can’t smell fire. You can’t hear fire. If Matt describes the world as a place on fire, then what he’s essentially describing is a place he can’t touch. That’s — weird and wrong, given what we know of his abilities.

Are you an actual fucking idiot? You can't hear, or smell, or feel fire? Fire cracks and pops and hisses. The heat from a fire can be felt across a room, and you can smell smoke and the scent of the wood or paper as it burns. Fire is a full sensory experience. I realize most of fandom nowadays seems to live in mom and dad's basement and never interacts with the outside world, but for fuck's sake have you never been near a FIRE?!

Ant-Man

2015-04-07T01:35:26Z

I have a feeling that MCU Ant-Man will either surprise us all and turn out to be amazing, and everyone will flock to it and it'll be a mega-hit like GOTG, or it will be Marvel's first bomb.

Cool Dude of the Day: Vampiro

2015-03-14T04:59:05Z

Vampiro, aka Ian Hodgkinson, fka Canadian Vampire Casanova (no, really) is a wrestler who should've been way more famous than he is. He had the look and the moves, and he also had the misfortune to join WCW during its ignoble descent into irrelevance. He spent most of his career being the biggest deal ever in Mexico, because Mexicans know what's up.

Nowadays, he's doing announcing on Lucha Underground (which is awesome, btw) and he's also a righteous human being. He's active in the Mexico City chapter of the Guardian Angels, a citizen group that patrols the dangerous streets looking out for civilians. He saved a man from dying at a McDonald's recently. And he advocates for the rights of Native Canadians. He's a cool dude and you should know more about him!

Black Sails Spoilers

2015-02-23T04:30:21Z

Becoming a pirate king in the Caribbean and waging unceasing war against not only the British Navy but society as a whole, in revenge for the persecution of your same-sex relationship and your one true love being confined in an asylum is romantic and tragic as fuck and quite unexpected coming from a dumb anachronistic STARZ show about pirates glowering at each other over mugs of ale and leaping out of the way of cannon blasts.

Adventure Time with Finn and Hideo

2015-02-12T02:56:59Z

Finn Balor, an Irish wrassler known for painting himself up like a demon god, and Japanese wrasslin lengend KENTA, currently known as Hideo Itami (his WWE slave name) are in NXT together, and these two strangers in a strange land are always posting waaaaay too many cute pictures of each other frolicking about in the Florida sunshine.

I totally want a Youtube series about Finn and Hideo going on adventures~ together.

An attempt to transcribe Mickey Avalon's "Red Light District"

2015-01-13T03:54:07Z

So far as I know, this song is only performed live and no lyrics have been published for it.

She got legs for miles
and a devilish smile
A twinkle in her eye
and impeccable style
She knows her worth
and ain't nothing free
Working these suckers for her salary
Walks these streets
like a ballerina between the sheets
She's the main feature
Hard to get your rocks off
in a two-seater
Cost a lotta loot but
There ain't none sweeter
Take a trick to the top of the world
Never get a kiss outta this little girl

Chorus:
Better look quick
Red light district
Hookers and tricks
Red light district
Give it all to your pimp
Red light district
Roll up in the whip [i.e. a Mercedes-Benz]
What you'll do for a tip
Red light district
Gotta pay the rent
Red light district

Whether it's Amsterdam
or the Sunset Strip
It's the oldest profession
in the biz
For a midnight fix
And you gotta get away from the wife and the kids
And if you say you never paid for the sex
I guess you never took a bitch out to breakfast
You big, big spender
You ain't never bought a ring or a necklace
....
Let's get to the moral of the story:
There comes a time when a man gets horny
And if you don't wanna jerk your own dick
Then take a trip to the red light district

[Chorus]

Make that money
(make it, make it)
Make that money
Go make it, honey
(make it, make it)
Shake it, honey
(shake it, shake it)
Take that money
(take it, take it)

Seth Rollins: Evil Incarnate

2014-12-30T22:15:24Z

Last night Seth Rollins was the heeliest heel since, at least, Edge from 2008. In fact, Edge from 2014 was one of his principal victims. Who would ever have thought that the pretty boy with a lisp in Age of the Fall would become wrasslin's most vicious villain? Somewhere, Jimmy Jacobs is brushing away a tear and whispering to himself, "So proud of my boy."

Sometimes Seth has trouble putting his Cyberfights days behind him.

Finn Balor, Irish wrestling demon king

2014-12-12T07:14:59Z

Finn Balor R-Evolution Entrance by irockman_8921

NXT's Finn Balor's (aka indie great Prince Devitt) entrance from R-Evolution. He's not painted up to look like Spawn or Carnage or any other comic book character -- he's painted to look like Balor, the one-eyed demon god of destruction and blight from Irish mythology. FYI.

Incoming Benedict Cumberbatch Wank

2014-12-08T05:00:54Z

Let me say for the record that I am not a Benedict Cumberbatch stan. I am not thrilled that he's going to be Dr. Strange, and that he was NOT my first choice for the role, or even my first white guy choice for the role. I am also not looking forward to his stans (the Cumberbitches) invading MCU fandom and the inevitable generic Dr. Strange/any-Martin Freeman-character slash fic that they will produce.

That being said, I am also not looking forward to any rehashing of the "Benedict Cumbebatch's family owned slaves!!!" SJW wank that pops up on Tumblr like a herpes infection. Especially when there's so many LEGITIMATE reasons to dislike Cumberbatch, latching onto his family's history (which he personally had nothing to do with and cannot control) reeks of commandeering a historical atrocity to justify your hateboner for an actor. I have a very big problem with any notion of 'blood guilt' and this reductive way of talking about history and the evils of slavery.

Well, well, well...

2014-11-26T07:39:39Z

It's official. These guys are just googling their names with "fanfiction" after it and seeing what comes up.

Adam Cole Bay Bay

2014-11-24T21:06:19Z

Over on Reddit, Adam Cole (pro wrestler) did an AMA and I asked him a burning question...

WWE Survivor Series 2014

2014-11-24T20:41:53Z

-- I was screaming at my screen, "CENA YOU BASTARD GO BACK FOR ZIGGLER!"

-- Stephanie screaming like her Horcrux was being destroyed.

-- Prediction: Seth Rollins decides to pretend that the last few months didn't happen and shows back up acting like everyone's friend.

-- LOL at Seth's vocal appreciation of the way Luke Harper manhandles Ziggler.

-- Bray Wyatt demanding that Dean "punish" him with the chair... oh LAWD

-- Sting shows up to the Invasion 13 years late.

Rihanna

2014-11-04T21:50:50Z

My BF loves him some Rihanna. Loves loves loves her. So yesterday we were talking about the whole situation with Chris Brown and how he kept winning awards and shit.

BF: How did he get away with that? Big Lurch didn't get away with it. [Big Lurch is a rapper who killed and cannibalized a woman while high on PCP]

ME: Yeah, but they found that woman's flesh in Big Lurch's stomach.

BF: So everyone thinks it's okay so long as Chris Brown didn't kill and eat Rihanna?

Pretty much, baby. Pretty much.

MCU news + spoilers

2014-11-03T02:53:56Z

It sounds like we will be getting three different black guys in the next Avengers movie. Idris Elba said he filmed a scene for Age of Ultron with Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston.

Also, everyone on Tumblr freaking out about Wanda and Pietro being 'neo nazis', CALM YO TITS. If you think Marvel is going to portray two of their superheroes as Neo Nazis, then you are an idiot. Yes, an actual idiot. I always doubt that we have anything to worry about as far as Wanda and Pietro getting screen time; "emotionally unstable, incredibly powerful girl in a co-dependent relationship with overprotective male" is exactly the dynamic that gets Joss Whedon's gears turning.

Not Like Other Girls

2014-11-03T02:47:11Z

This whole "not like other girls" thing that pops up here and there is the speshulest snowflake thing to ever speshul snowflake. It's not like you aren't a carbon-based lifeform like other girls, you were just a tomboy or you like math. These things are well within the usual range of experiences for women the world over. Do you really think that you have some special character or a depth of feeling unknown to any other girl in existence?

"Not like other girls": assuming that everyone else fits 100% into the role society pushed on them and that you and you alone rebelled or felt unsuited for what the world expected of you. There's always a faint whiff of disdain towards traditionally feminine girls, as well. Let me tell you something -- my BFF is the most traditionally feminine girl I know. She bakes, she knits, she loves horses and romance novels. She's also a biologist with a second degree in math. Another friend of mine glories in all things feminine, and she's a military vet who slept with her M-4 on her bedpost. Don't go assuming that because you aren't privy to our secret selves and inner worlds, that we are without them.

Hockey Fandom

2014-10-30T06:26:02Z

I don't know that much about hockey RPF, but all I want to say is that if this fandom has not yet produced a Blades of Glory AU, then pack it up, it's over. The fandom is a failure.

This has been a public service announcement by moi.

My predictions for what Marvel will announce at their Tuesday press event

2014-10-26T22:34:07Z

1. A Black Widow movie GODDAMNIT

2. Chris Evans announces his engagement to theladyscribe

3. Spoilers for the upcoming DC movies, like that time WCW spoiled the outcome of the WWF championship match before it happened.

4. They ceremoniously light the Ant-Man footage on fire, promise to do better next time.

5. Movies starring Chris Pine, Chris Tucker, and Chris Jericho.

Fuck Ultron

2014-10-26T01:49:53Z

There are already people on Tumblr who want to fuck Ultron.

Get me a young priest and an old priest. We have to exorcise Tumblr.

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU.

Fake geeks, stand down

2014-10-25T23:43:58Z

I don't know what's going on, it must be full moon or something, because the fake geeks are coming out of the woodwork. I'm not hating on anybody if they're not into comics or whatever, but don't go shooting your mouth off, acting like you know something, when the facts are easily Googleable.

Example one: "That would be a snappier answer if Whedon had invented Buffy" (uh, he DID invent Buffy). Scroll down to see this comment.

Example two: "Man, [Wanda and Pietro] weren't even raised by Romani parents, they were raised by Bova and the rest of High Evolutionary's weird animal hybrids after Anya died."

Oh my fucking god. Django and Marya Maximoff absolutely DID raise 616 Pietro and Wanda, and they absolutely were their parents. They were not their parents biologically, that being Magneto and his wife Magda, but they were their parents in every way that counted. They fed them, clothed them, loved them. They were Pietro and Wanda's mom and dad. Bova only took care of them for maybe a few weeks at most after Magda died. They were this old when Django and Marya Maximoff adopted them:

I'm also a-gog at some of the Tumblr people freaking out over Wanda and Pietro's Jewishness being erased in the movies. First of all, we know next to nothing about MCU Wanda and Pietro. All we know is that Aaron Taylor-Johnson's gone on record saying they're Gypsies from Eastern Europe. 616 Wanda and Pietro are not just half-Romani by blood (through Magda) they were raised as Romanies by Django and Marya. More than that, neither of them even knew they were half-Jewish until well into adulthood. They didn't know Magneto was their father! Magda killed herself to cover her tracks and keep the twins from them! 616 Wanda and Pietro are only Jewish by heritage, and that heritage was kept from them for most of their lives. There are better examples of Jewish heroes if you're looking for representation.

Y'all they're onto us

2014-10-20T06:24:41Z

Johnny Gargano has found slash fic of himself and Chuck Taylor.

For the record, if any pro wrestlers ever happen across this lj and read erotic slash fanfic of themselves as written by moi, I am not responsible for any hurt feelings because my fic is always about your character, not you as a person. That being said, if my erotic slash fanfic inspires you to have sex with the co-worker I paired you with, please send me pics. That would be cool. Sincerely, moi.

James O'Barr doesn't care who you are, Kitty Pryde

2014-10-10T04:02:11Z

Today was the first day of Comic Con, which is also my only day of Comic Con, so I was determined to fit in as much as possible into the one day that I had. I attended two panels with theladyscribe: one was about writing diverse characters, and the other was librarians talking about censorship. The first panel was okay, but was more about general "how to start writing", rather than really focusing on writing characters very different from yourself. Four of the panelists went on and on about Google Earth, to the point where I was like, "Is Google paying them to get name-dropped at this thing?" I was expecting the librarian panel to be boring, but it was actually quite interesting. The librarians had their shit together -- they had notes in front of them, they had their points they wanted to make, they had citations -- I like that level of dedication.

I prowled about the vendors and Artists Alley to see all the treasures for sale and take pics of cosplayers, and y'all I MET PETER S. BEAGLE and bought a DVD of The Last Unicorn which he autographed for me in three separate places.

My last NYCC event was the panel for James O'Barr's The Crow, which turned out to be exactly the kind of panel I like: no bullshit, no slides, just James O'Barr hanging out with a few dozen fans and answering questions. He talked about the Crow movie that's in development, and he seems cautiously optimistic; apparently, it's an adaptation of the comic, not a remake of the 1994 movie. They're looking to film in Detroit ("It's a ready-made apocalyptic wasteland") and Tom Waits is interested in appearing as the shopkeeper, Gideon. A fan asked if he'd spoken to Brandon Lee's family about the new movie; O'Barr said that he had spoken to Shannon Lee and that she was understanding. He told us about how Hollywood dicked over Alex Proyas, the director of the 1994 movie, and that most of the songs from the first movie's soundtrack were done as a favor by bands that O'Barr was friendly with (the exception being The Cure). He also declared, "I don't give a damn about Kitty Pryde" when a fan asked him if he read mainstream comics.

Back with cosplay pics later!

Xena: Warrior Princess rewatch!

2014-10-08T05:34:51Z

I set for myself the goal of rewatching XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS in it's entirety. XENA was my jam when I was a wee fanthing, and definitely shaped a lot of my id. I'm now three episodes in, so I'll post my recaps.

The show starts with some beauty shots of the magnificent NZ countryside which looks nothing like Greece when I visited it in 2006. Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle, meets a small kid in the burned out remains of a village, and learns that he lost his parents during her wars. She gives the kid some food and then rides into the forest. Next we see Xena taking off her armor and preparing to bury it along with her chakra. The implication is that she's putting her past behind her (or possibly ready to end it all?). She's interrupted by some bad guys who've taken some village girls hostage. Gabrielle locks eyes with Xena. Gabrielle volunteers herself if the bad guys will leave everyone else alone, but the bad guys mock her and prepare to beat her up. Xena intervenes, beats the crap out of the bad guys, and finds out they're working for Draco.

Later, Xena is tending to her wounds while Gabrielle fangirls over her. The villagers tell Xena to move on, and Gabrielle is aghast at the way they're treating Xena. Xena obligingly moves on, paying a visit to Draco, who is a warlord with a silly hat and a blue shirt, and is much too handsome to be wearing those terrible costumes. Draco is bitter that Xena is turning her back on looting and pillaging, and also seems bitter that she's not his woman.

Gabrielle ditches her village and podunk fiance, and heads out to find Xena. Xena pays a visit to Amphipolis, and we discover that Xena's mom is just your average bartending wench. AFAIK, there's no legal precedent to Xena being a warrior 'princess', but if you're as badass as Xena, no one's going to start shit with you about it. Xena's mom tells her to get out, that she's brought shame and misery to her kin. Xena tells her that she will spend the rest of her life trying to make up for what she's done. Xena and her mom actually convincingly look like mother and daughter, and it's tough seeing Xena get rejected by her mom.

The citizens of Amphipolis confront Xena and they're PISSED because Draco's shown up and they think Xena has something to do with it. Xena challenges the entire town to a fight, even putting aside her sword in what seems like an obvious attempt at suicide-by-angry townspeople. Gabrielle butts in, laying down some logic, and gets the villagers to back off. She guilts Xena into letting her ride along with her. "Where are we going?" Gabrielle asks. "To see my brother," says Xena.

They visit Xena's brother's grave. Oooooh. Xena talks to her dead brother, telling him she's never felt so alone. "You're not alone," Gabrielle assures her, and the vulnerability on Xena's face is heartbreaking. Draco meets with the citizens of Amphipolis who are trying to buy him off. He doesn't give a fuck because he lives to wreck shit. Xena appears and challenges him to a duel, which they end up fighting first on some scaffolding, and then walking on the heads and shoulders of the townspeople. Xena's mom is freaking out the whole fight; it's obvious she still cares for her daughter. Gabrielle trips one of Draco's lackeys to stop him from helping Draco. Xena defeats Draco and offers to spare his life if he makes himself scarce. He agrees but one of his lackeys tries to stab Xena in the back. Draco kills the lackey himself.

Later, Gabrielle appears at Xena's campfire. She tells Xena that she wants to travel with her because Gabrielle has always known that she's meant for one than that one-whore town she came from can give her. Xena tells her that the path she's taking in life will be dangerous. Gabrielle assures her that that's what friends do, be there for one another.

Xena and Gabrielle hang out in a bar, talking about love. Gabrielle is her hopeless romantic self, while Xena's opinon is much more cynical. She heads out to scout out a location for them to ford the river, and comes across Hot Single Dad Darius and his village being attacked by a local warlord named Cygnus. (Btw, why are random people in the background playing with a ball while Darius' little kids hammer nails and shit? Obviously there are no child labor/workplace safety laws in Fantasy Ancient Greece)

Xena of course kicks the bad guy's asses and saves one of Darius' kids from getting squished, but gets hit by a crossbow bolt for her trouble. Darius takes her back to his place to tend to her wounds. I like that in this scene, Xena has to remove her armor so they can remove the bolt, but it's not sexualized at all -- she's in pain and Darius is squeamish about having to break the bolt and cauterize her wound. The emphasis is on her suffering, not on Xena's boobs.

Cygnus the ugly warlord duels with his much hotter son, Sferis. Cygnus is Ares' horsekeeper and for some reason that's an honor. He's like "why did you brother have to die instead of you" and he has so little concept of personal space that it's like Cygnus is Sferis' Creepy Uncle instead of his dad.

While Xena recuperates, she bonds with Darius' three cute little kids. A Fez-Wearing Villager shows up to tell Darius that she's a murderer and to get her out of the village immediately. Xena overhears and tries to scram, even though she's in no condition to ride. Darius tries to stop her but Cygnus' men show up and torch his silo.

Back at the inn, Gabrielle is worrying herself sick about Xena. Eyepatch Dude hits on her, so she lies and says a random tough guy is her boyfriend. He calls her bluff so she sits in the random tough guy's lap, makes out with him, and whispers to him to pretend to know her. Holy shit Gabrielle is a boss. WAIT, fuck, the random tough guy is Sferis.

Xena is tearing the place apart looking for her weapons. Darius wants to meet with Cygnus for a peace talk, which Xena tells him will never work. He lends her a blue dress that belonged to his dead wife, and there's a nice moment where Xena catches sight of her own reflection and is entranced to see herself as a normal woman.

Sferis and Gabrielle bond over their terrible childhoods. Sferis freaks out a little when he realizes Xena was Gabrielle's friend, and flees. He meets up with Creepy Dad Cygnus who orders him to kill the peaceful villagers at the peace talk. Sferis can't bring himself to do it, but Xena busts Cygnus' goons and beats the crap out of all of them. The villagers and Darius are furious, thinking that she ruined their peace talks. Cygnus finds out that Xena is in town and is like "TIME FOR XENA TO DIE! SHE KILLED YOUR BROTHER!"

Xena leaves Darius and the kids and meets Gabrielle on the road. They see some of Cygnus' men so Xena puts Gabrielle on Argo (the horse) and sends her out as a distraction. Xena commandeers one of the bad guy's chariots and Gabrielle recognizes Sferis. They all crash their chariots and in the aftermath Xena tells Gabrielle, "Remind me to talk to you sometime about your taste in men." That's rich coming from you, Xena. Pot, meet kettle. Juuuuust sayin'.

Anyway, they square off, with Xena vs. Cygnus and Gabrielle vs. Sferis. Cygnus blames Xena for his other son's death, but she says his own men killed Cygnus' other son. Sferis turns on his father and renounces war. Cygnus is like "ARGH I KILL YOU NOW" when Darius arrives, bringing Xena her chakram, so she pulls off some crazy chakram moves and kills Cygnus. Cygnus heaps some guilt on Sferis right before croaking. I love the "whatever, bitch" look on Xena's face as she walks off.

Sferis makes peace with the villagers. Darius asks Xena to share his home and family, but she's got shit to do. The girls head out for parts unknown.

We start the episode with Gabrielle giving an impassioned, grandiose TO THE PAIN!!! speech to a tree that she's pretending to defeat with Xena's sword. Xena takes her sword back while Gabrielle tries to wheedle her into giving her fighting lessons. Xena's advice is actually very sage: Weapons should be a last resort. Run if possible, if you can't run, surrender and then run, or talk your way out of the situation. That violence changes people irrevocably.

They're interrupted by some brigands who want to rob them. Xena of course beats the crap out of all of them, but in the fight she loses her sword and Gabrielle picks it up. This makes her a target and she almost gets attacked before Xena saves her and chases off the bad guys. Meanwhile, some dudes spy on them from the bushes, talking about how "Morpheus will be pleased."

They stop by Stock Fantasy Greece Village #3 and Xena goes to a shop to buy some stuff. The shopkeeper chases off some poor blind dude who's trying to buy a halter for his horse, explaining to Xena that the dude's an ex-mystic, whatever that means, and that he doesn't do business with "his kind." Xena tells him that she's changed her mind, that she now wants to buy a halter for her horse. Outside, she drops the halter with the poor ex-mystic blind dude.

Gabrielle also goes shopping: for a sword. The blacksmith is astonished to see her, remarking that she must be an experienced warrior, which Gabrielle plays along with. She decides to buy a 'breast dagger', a curious knife that's designed to ride between her boobs. She saunters out to see Xena and the breast dagger promptly falls out of her boobage and lands on the ground. Xena gives her a "you gotta be kidding me" look and confiscates the dagger, hiding it in her own cleavage, to which Gabrielle quips: "Like your breasts aren't dangerous enough!"

I give that a 5 on the Femslash-o-Meter.

The villagers start running in terror as some guys dressed up in goat costumes come running in. Fuck, they're under attack by Fantasy Ancient Greek Furries! Xena kicks their asses, but turns around to find that Gabrielle is missing.

She beats up the shopkeeper until she gets the story out of him: every Solstice, the mystics come steal a maiden to take to the mountain. Xena decides to go after the blind ex-mystic dude in case he has more info.

The Furries have brought Gabrielle to the mountain and are planning to make her the Bride of Morpheus, god of sleep. Gabrielle protests that she's not cut out for marriage: she sleeps late, she doesn't do housework, and she doesn't have childbearing hips. The Furries inform her that she will have to face a series of challenges, and if she survives, she will be married to Morpheus. If she fails, she dies. WTF. So she fights to survive, and gets richly rewarded with some unwanted god-dick. Or she lets them kill her and gets deaded.

Xena confronts the blind ex-mystic who tells her she is the Chosen One who can fight Morpheus on the astral plane to save Gabrielle. With his help, she enters a trance. On the astral plane she meets the ghosts of her old soldiers, who hail her as their princess. She tells them she left that life behind her. She makes it past them only to find a burned out village and the ghosts of the innocent people she killed in the past. One offers her a sword with which to kill herself, but Xena defiantly holds it aloft and tells Morpheus, "That Xena is long dead! I'm not her anymore!" and throws it upon the ground.

The leader of the mystics clues in to what's going on and sends the Furries to track down the blind ex-mystic and kill him and Xena's body. Meanwhile, Gabrielle faces the first of her challenges. She's chased through a maze of fabric by two Furries, but remembering Xena's earlier advice, she tricks them into fighting and killing each other. She's earned a reprieve for now and told to rest and sleep.

Now freed from her ghosts, Xena encounters the sleeping Gabrielle on the astral plane. Xena tells that no matter what, she cannot lose her blood-innocence (basically, her murder virginity) and so she cannot kill anyone until Xena can defeat Morpheus. Gabrielle disappears from the astral plane. Part two of her challenge sees her sent into a room that looks like a cavern from Double Dragons, with like stalactites and fire pits and shit. Three dudes attack her -- she gets a spear from one of them, knocks the end off to make it a staff, and vaults over the fire pit. This time Gabrielle opts to talk her way out of the situation, telling the attackers that she'll fight the best fighter out of them first. They fight and two of them get killed; the victor accidentally gets himself stabbed in the back as he's trying to throw Gabrielle into the fire pit and grill her like a kosher frank.

Xena encounters two ghosts -- one is the brigand, her most recent kill, and the other is Turvan, the first person she ever killed. They taunt her that soon Gabrielle will be a murderer just like her. She summons the will to send the two of them back to the afterlife. Morpheus has another evil trick: he sends her past self to confront her. Xena tells Dark Xena that she couldn't bring herself to kill the ghosts of her past, but she's ready to put her own past self to rest, once and for all.

Gabrielle is put into some bizarre torture device that's pushing her along to confront her final challenge: A giant Furry with a sword. The poor thing really has no choice but to pick up a sword. Meanwhile, Xena is losing the fight with Dark Xena until she realizes that Dark Xena is just a nightmare, something she controls. She finds the strength to destroy Dark Xena and her body vanishes just as the mystics are about to kill her.

Xena busts through the wall like the Koolaid Man and kills the giant Furry menacing Gabrielle. Gabrielle throws her the sword she's holding, and Xena triumphantly beats the crap out of the other mystics. She even kills one guy with Gabrielle's breast dagger. The leader of the mystics tells them they've made an enemy of Morpheus, so Gabrielle punches him in the face. You just got knocked the fuck out!

Later: the shopkeeper generously agrees to give Xena 10% off all purchases in return for having saved the village. The blind ex-mystic is now a current blind mystic and he's reformed Morpheus' cult. He wishes Xena "sweet dreams."

Xena and Gabrielle talk about what it means to be forever changed by violence and share some meaningful looks. The end.

In unrelated news, someone make theladyscribe write that MCU baseball AU where Tony starts his own minor league team and Bucky is the pitcher who lost an arm so he has to learn how to pitch right-handed. I want to read it but not to write it.