a dappled green light through a leafy canopy

talula728 @ 2017-02-14T19:58:00

2017-02-15T01:58:42Z

Yesterday I decided to write up all my sister's journals and self publish them. I have a few handwritten journals and of course, her life journal.

I started with the first one I had, from 1995 and she was talking about how she never feels peaceful, and said 'I'll probably die in turmoil."

And she did. She did die in turmoil. She was paranoid and panicking and alone. I hate that she knew this. I hate that it came true. Maybe I can't do this. Maybe I need to pay someone else to transcribe this for me.

talula728 @ 2016-12-17T22:02:00

2016-12-18T04:02:43Z

Sometimes, like right now, I miss my sister so much I can barely sit still. What I wouldn't give for the ability to see her again...

I try to remember this quote, and that Maybe she's good where she is, and all my sadness is just selfish. Wouldn't that be nice?

“Yes, death. Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forget life, to be at peace.”
Oscar Wilde, The Canterville Ghost

talula728 @ 2015-08-05T22:44:00

2015-08-06T03:44:55Z

I really miss my sister. I am really sad and struggling tonight.

talula728 @ 2015-06-07T20:45:00

2015-06-08T01:45:24Z

Well I have officially lived longer than my sister. She deserved more time. I should be able to fix this.

talula728 @ 2015-02-09T23:14:00

2015-02-10T05:14:42Z

Hey guys it's canon that Harvey and Mike are cool with walking in on each other peeing. They are comfortable around each other's penises.

This is something I want to talk about

2014-10-17T01:37:54Z

Me and my sister raised each other. When I was 6, Valerie 8, our parents divorced and my dad moved out. When I was 8, and my sister 10, my mom got remarried and we moved away. Our stepfather was an asshole, and I think the trigger of some of my sister's issues. We learned how to be scared, how to be tense, how to be upset but quiet, how to keep secrets. When she was 13, she moved in with my father, and the next year I went too. Our father was nothing to us, and we just lied to him through adolescence and ignored him. We were never influenced enough by either of our parents to have had them 'raise' us.

I didn't say a word until I was almost three, because Valerie always knew what I wanted. My first memory is looking at my sister laying on the couch in our childhood home and my mom telling me to not go near here because she was sick, and I was so upset, and also confused, because Stay away from my sister? How?

When I didn't understand my homework, she helped me. When I had to do a school project, she helped me. When I was bored, she made it fun. When she got overwhelmed, I calmed her down and helped her problem solve. The first time a boy broke my heart, she held my hand and let me cry. When she wanted to write a screenplay and act it out at 2am, I did it with her. When she wanted to write a letter to some politician, I listened to it and agreed with her anger. When I wanted to be an archeologist, she bought me books about egyptians. When I wanted to be a filmmaker, she named our future production company. When I decided I loved a boy I met in a chat room, she shrugged her shoulders and said "Ok. Tell him he can visit if he wants." When she died, I wanted to go with her.

Anyway, the point is that my parents didn't raise us. They weren't there. We raised each other. I have a hard time talking to either of my parents about Val, because I felt like they didn't know her. When my mom talks about her, she calls her an angel, sweet and caring to everyone. When my father talks about her, he references memories from when she was 12 like they were yesterday. He didn't know her as an adult. When she died, and I said something about her taking meds for her problems, he said "What problems? She didn't have any problems."

The point is that I was fine with our parents not raising us. I never cared what they thought. I never felt any pressure or cared about their approval because they didn't raise me. I didn't need anyone else besides my sister. What I'm not ok with is this: our parents were supposed to die first. Not only because they are older, but because I need them less. I needed my sister to be here forever, and she's not. My sister deserved to get better and be happy, but she didn't. My sister was so full of life, but also so full of hurt. I don't know if it's selfish of me to want her to be here, when she struggled so much. I don't know if it's fair to say she deserved to live, when living was so hard for her.

I do know that she raised me, and I feel the emptiness of the absence of a best friend, a parent, a sister, a mentor. My life and my self doesn't hold the same shape without her. She was such a part of me that I still don't believe she's gone.

I spend a lot of time at my job now dealing with people that suffer from major mental illness. I know what my sister was diagnosed with, and I know she struggled. I feel like I never took it seriously, because that was always just her. It was always just her that she was horrible depressed, it was always just her that got wild and took things too far, it was just who she was. It was always just her that went through a time of being suicidal, of a time of drinking too much or being too promiscuous, or being too angry. I never saw it as mental illness. I just saw it as her. In a way, maybe I did her a disservice. Because I always thought she'd be fine, respected that she could take of herself. But I was wrong, and maybe I didn't pay enough attention to how hard it was to be her. Maybe I loved and accepted her to death. I didn't pay enough attention. I wish I could apologize.

I wish my parents would stop trying to talk to me.

talula728 @ 2014-06-21T00:05:00

2014-06-21T05:05:38Z

Valerie wrote this about Abby:

Condolences

It's hard to hear you say,
"I'm sorry for your loss,"
When, without exception,
I'd trade your life for hers.

Tags: abby, poetry

I wrote a similar poem, but it's called "I hate all of you"

Maybe I wasn't horrible

2014-06-21T04:11:16Z

When Valerie and Mike decided to split, apparently I said this:

I'm very sorry. But also very proud of you for standing up for yourself and not settling for less than what you need and letting someone try to change you. You are perfect as you are.

We are awesome people who deserve awesome lives. And you're going to be a kick ass single mom, if you want to be. Don't tell Kenny, but I've often fantasized about what a kick ass single mom I'd be.

Two little things I always say to myself through difficult/ changing times:

"You have no obligation to the person you were. You'll never meet them again."

and

"The ground you're standing on is liberated territory. Defend it."

Remember I always have a place for you. All you have to do is show up if you need it.

valerie_z
February 2 2010, 14:55:16 UTC 4 years ago

Thank you so much, Tiny Jean. It means so much to me to have you as my sister. I will definitely take you up on an extended summer visit.

I have done a lot of focusing on how I wasn't there for her when she was scared, confused and dying alone in her apartment. But maybe I was an ok sister some of the time.

talula728 @ 2014-06-16T21:45:00

2014-06-17T02:45:08Z

From Valerie's journal:

9/26/09
"My mom sent me my grandfather's eulogy for me to print. Apparently she thought it needed tons of cliches and a 9/11 reference. And comma splices.

Now I have to write my own eulogy so no one fucks it up. "

The funny thing is the woman that wrote Valerie's obituary totally fucked it up. She pretty much wrote it as we were saying it and it was horrible. So many mistakes it was embarrassing. I actually called several times the next day until they fixed it. I said things like "She was an English professor and this is an embarrassment!" I think she would have been proud of me for that.

talula728 @ 2014-06-16T21:40:00

2014-06-17T02:40:06Z

More motivation to write up her journals, and some of her stuff from LJ:

On 9/24/09, Valerie wrote:

"My grandfather's obituary (or at least, the first one I found) is six sentences. It's like a tweet.

When I die I want people to know everything. All my secrets, my favorite songs, why I never ate eggs. I want to max out LJ's post limit.

I should probably write it ahead of time. "

Just so I don't forget....

2014-06-08T15:27:12Z

Some more tattoo ideas from my sister, from August of 2009. She did eventually get "Let's Go' tattooed on her arm.

"As I sat down to do placement readings for work -

Valerie: What should I listen to?
Mike: Your husband.
Valerie: I always listen to my husband. That's why I don't have T.S. Eliot poetry tattooed on my arm.

However, I still think my right arm wants to be covered in text, and I will do this if Mike ever leaves me. Oh, or, I could wait until we have kids, and then he'll be too invested in our relationship to get that mad at me. *ponders*

( Collapse )

For a long time I've wanted the ending of T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" wrapping around my upper arm/bicep area:

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

But then I realized that my text tattoos already on my right arm ("strong" and "worthy") are so positive, and this poem is so fucking depressing. Also I hate when people use "till" instead of "until". I have to correct that in papers so often. So that would drive me crazy forever.

Another thing I would love on me is lines from one of my favorite songs, Rancid's "Radio":

Here it is.
Here I am.
Turn it up.

The next line is "Fucking loud" but even I'm not stupid enough to make myself that unemployable. That would look nice I think as a sort of list on the inside of my forearm, near the inside of my elbow, or wrapping around my arm with dots between the sentences.

I also wouldn't mind this quote from a letter written by Oscar Wilde:

He lies like a hyacinth on the sofa, and I worship him.

Pro: Super-secret penis metaphor on my body forever. Con: Ultimately it's not that meaningful.

So, yeah, that's not quite enough for a text sleeve, but that's why I should start now, and then add to it as more words become interesting to me.

I'm eligible for tenure in four years. If I get tenure, I absolutely have to get something done on my fingers, just because I can. My initial thought was the PUNX Tim and Lars have on their knuckles:

But it's lame to steal other people's tattoos, and also, let's face it, I just can't pull it off. There are girls that can rock knuckle tattoos. I am not one of these girls.

So what I'm thinking is Let's Go on the inside of one of my middle fingers. It's my favorite Rancid album, it's repeated like a battle call in a lot of Rancid songs, and like my other text tattoos, it has a positive message.

So there's a thorough accounting of what I'm NOT getting tattooed on myself anytime soon."

talula728 @ 2014-04-27T10:08:00

2014-04-27T15:08:18Z

Hey everybody, Valerie's boyfriend Craig put out a print version of her short stories collection. I got mine in the mail today and it's beautiful, it's almost 200 pages long and has a great cover that's a picture I took of her on the fire escape of our first NY apartment. It's the best tribute I've seen.

Please spread the word.

link to print version

talula728 @ 2014-04-05T00:48:00

2014-04-05T05:48:11Z

This just made me feel a lot better. I'm gonna get the same tattoo.

From November 2, 2007:

It just occurred to me that I didn't have any pictures of my old tattoo, so here it is, just in case you ever need to identify my body or something.

This is the zodiac symbol for Gemini, and it's on my left shoulder blade.

I got this done on my eighteenth birthday, November 17, 1995. It was my first year in college at NYU. I had it done at a small, shady place just off Union Square. They didn't even ask for ID.

I went there without knowing what I wanted, just that I wanted something for my tiny baby sister, talula728. My first idea was the Gemini symbol that showed two children holding hands. Even though neither of us is a Gemini, we sometimes referred to ourselves as twins, and two children holding hands nicely symbolized how close we were. But when the tattoo artist showed me the stock photo of the two children, they were fat babies. And I didn't want fat babies tattooed on me.

The tattoo artist showed me another page of zodiac symbols, and on that one, the Gemini symbol looked like a Roman numeral two. I liked how it was simple, but clearly showed how two things are part of a greater one thing, the way two sisters were separate people, but always joined together.

Also, back then my favorite movie was The Exorcist III, and the best part was the villain, the Gemini killer. So I figured that, if my sister ever really pissed me off, it could represent The Exorcist III instead.

I asked the tattoo artist to make it as simple as possible, but like it was done by a paintbrush. Since it was just four lines, it didn't hurt at all. It was solid black at the time, and it's faded a lot since then, but I'm not going to get it retouched. I did it at a certain time, and I want it to always represent that time.

More depressing crap about sister

2014-04-05T05:25:25Z

(valerie_z) wrote,
2007-10-23 21:22:00

Also, I looked into it, and I'm at a medium-low level of Lithium right now, and I think I need to be at a medium-high level. I gave my psychiatrist this big lecture about how no one appreciates how crazy I am. People always think I'm less crazy than I am, which is why I wasn't diagnosed until I was 28, despite seeing psychologists since I was TEN and having my first bipolar mixed state episode at SIX.

My therapist likes to point out that ultimately, Lithium is bad for you. However, I've felt like a real person who has control over herself and is not suicidal on a regular basis for SIX MONTHS out of the past THIRTY YEARS, and the reason is because I've been on a substantial dose of Lithium. If the trade-off is death, I'll take it.

Then vamphile (epically tired replied):

bottom line, take the lithium you need. a short happy life is better than a long miserable one.

*******************************************************************************************************************

Both these people are dead and here I am reading these words. It almost makes me feel better. Like she knew the risk she was taking by taking that medicine and she made the conscious decision to risk death to feel better with it. I know she never thought she'd die at 35, but I feel like she knew it was a possibility. And she felt so bad inside she took it as a risk and lost. When Val died, vamphile told me she lived the best life she could for as long as she could with what she struggled with. It's still not fair. I want her back, even on her worst day, I would take her back a million times over.

Thinking about her, wanting to talk to her, remembering something, and then finding the empty space where she used to exist just wrecks me still.

Something with my father upset me yesterday and stirred a lot of feelings I had been keeping still. I haven't cried in months and now I am. My throat hurts, too tense to even swallow the knot.

I have been taking half my pill of Lexapro for months. I tried to stop it completely but got too dizzy. So I started taking it again. Someone told me to try my half every other day for a while to keep doing it more gradually. But after doing that for about a week, I found myself standing in the grocery store, limbs too heavy to move, staring off into space, feeling like nothing mattered and I couldn't get through the shopping trip and moreover, I didn't really care if I did or not. I wasn't getting past that moment. I realized that was the feeling of depression I had before I started taking the Lexapro. Can I take five milligrams of Lexapro for the rest of my life? Because I don't think I can function without it. I don't mind, because I know I can't live the life I did before she died. But I was functioning, and laughing, and had my personality back. Sitting here crying this hard at my computer and having suicidal thoughts in a grocery store- that I cannot do.

Reading these journal entries are so painful sometimes, but it's like talking to her. I fear the day I'll know these words so well that I won't have new ones to read.

talula728 @ 2014-03-29T15:43:00

2014-03-29T20:43:23Z

Sometimes I think I can't find anything more horrible than the last horrible thing I found in my sister's livejournal, then I do.

From June 23rd, 2007:

"Lithium's the only drug that's really helped me, but I still feel pretty borderline crazy, so I want more. So now I'm up to 1200mg daily, which still isn't a lot, but hopefully I can just continue raising the dosage until I am sane, or it kills me, whichever comes first"

talula728 @ 2014-03-22T17:44:00

2014-03-22T22:44:45Z

I've been doing better. I'm doing well at my new job, I haven't been having horrible times of self-upset, crying, laying awake at night in guilt or any of that.

I got a new computer, and I was super excited to start typing up my sister's journals and I also found a document of where I had been going through my sister's livejournal and finding entries where she said nice things about my mom. My goal was to put the quotes and some pics into a little shutterfly book or something and give it to her for her birthday last year. Well, I had gotten from 2002 to 2005 in her LJ, then had to stop. It was too much like talking to her everyday and it started to mess me up. So I stopped, but that was, like, last November. So I thought, I can do it now!

I got through one month and found this from 9/6/05:

"I just got home from a doctor's appointment. Lately I've been convinced I'm going to die, so I have two doctor's appointments this month in which I hope to discover the exact nature of my terminal illness.

I know this is a symptom of anxiety disorder, but I'm still pretty sure that I will go to these doctors, I will be told my fear of illness is a symptom of an anxiety of disorder, and then I will die, because my life is always full of bad irony."

I don't even know what to say.

talula728 @ 2014-03-13T23:52:00

2014-03-14T04:52:06Z

I can't imagine people who watched Fringe in real time. Things are always off just a little bit off reality in some way and I would have cried if I had to wait, like months for it to be fixed.

talula728 @ 2014-03-06T23:15:00

2014-03-07T05:14:54Z

OH MY GOD I HAVE MISSED THIS SHOW MORE THAN I REALIZED I MISSED THIS SHOW.

Hello Suits. I have missed you. I forgot how awesome you are. Come here, lets hug. Hmmm. nice.

Awesome #1: Mike's storyline. Baby mike being sad, adult Mike bent on revenge... loved it. Always love Mike's angst. Best scene was Harvey saying "Yes" and then saying "I said Yes." Because he would never say no to Mike working through his shit because he CARES about him. And I will never get over that. Harvey caring about Mike will forever turn me into a pile of goo, I don't care if it's cliched or silly or became apparent two seasons ago. It still does me in.

THEN Harvey wants to watch Mike kick ass and eat peanuts and Mike tells him NO PEANUTS HARVEY THIS IS FOR SERIOUS and Harvey listens. And that was hot. Guh. Forceful Mike. Impressed Harvey. THEN Harvey bails him out, because he's got his back, always has his back. Double guh.

THEN Mike realizes his Dad isn't a hero, and the lawyer not a bad guy, and his lifelong dream to be a good lawyer isn't turning out that well because he might be the bad guy, too. HAVE I MENTIONED I LOVE THIS SHOW. The themes, the depth, the complexity. It's just such a smart show.

AWESOME #2: Harvey and Jessica. Jessica just being amazing and beautiful and calling him on his shit. Harvey doesn't know how to have a relationship. He buys out Scottie's buy-in just because he wants her to stay. I love that he still has stuff to work through to be in an honest relationship. But I also love that the show didn't use this as a plot point to make Scottie leave, or have Harvey go backwards on his desire for the relationship. They actually sat down and talked it out until they both laughed and felt better. ALSO I THINK HARVEY WAS IN A TSHIRT. NOTE SURE, my brain might have been malfunctioning.

AWESOME #3: They have out of the box sex stuff going on and they don't make it bad. Like a little pain with your sex? Suits is ok with that. Just put some peas on it the next day. This is really important in this show, becuase I don't see this happening in other shows. Again, smart. Progressive. Love it.

AWESOME #4: Donna looked smoking hot in that dress and her hair looked beautiful and was amazing with her crafty cleverness and beautifulness.

In conclusion, Hi Show. I forgot how amazing you are. Thanks for coming back.

talula728 @ 2014-02-26T14:19:00

2014-02-26T17:45:50Z

Valerie's boyfriend put all of her short stories we could find together. Buy this, or at least pass along the link for me. I'm not friends with a lot of her friends on here, so help me spread the word. The proceeds are going to her scholarship fund. One of these days I'm going to do the same with her fanfiction and her journals.

fixed link

I had a dream last night that I saw Val in our grandma's living room. She was sitting cross-legged on the couch, writing in a notebook. She was calm, happy, seemed peaceful; not the bundle of nerves she was constantly in real life. I thought; 'Remember when she almost died?' And then I realized this wasn't real, that she really had died. I didn't want to tell her, but I went to her, frantic, asking her what she would want done for her if she died. She looked at me incredulously, laughed and said she didn't understand, she was fine, didn't need anything. So maybe I don't need to rush on those.

talula728 @ 2014-02-10T20:01:00

2014-02-11T02:01:08Z

I heard today that epicallytired aka vamphile passed away. The world just gets more and more unfair.

talula728 @ 2014-02-02T08:47:00

2014-02-02T14:47:15Z

Guys I'm watching Fringe and I'm in season two. And the fact that this actress who plays Olivia is playing 'Olivia from our world but brainwashed into believing she is from their world' and 'Olivia from their world but pretending to be from our world' and that I CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE just amazes me. Awesome show.

talula728 @ 2014-01-06T00:43:00

2014-01-06T06:43:33Z

Guys, Charlie. He's not really dead, right? I mean, not Charlie. *holds teddy bear tight until scary plot lines go away*

We don't lose Charlie, right?

I'm doing better I think

2014-01-04T00:25:48Z

I accepted a new job as a therapist at the nicer inpatient mental health/ substance abuse center in town. I'll be the mental wellness therapist for the partial hospitalization program. It's regular daytime hours, no on call, time off and benefits, and the highest salary I've ever made. I'll basically be running psychoeducational groups all day based off dbt. I have a good feeling about it and I think it's going to be a good fit for me. I think the structure, the stability, the routine and the 'lesson plan' like structure are what I need right now.

I started writing- I wrote about 15k of a story, trying for nano, gave up, just reread it the other day and realized it didn't suck, so I'm totally dedicated to finishing it. I also wrote a few sterek fics, and there are people leaving kudos and commenting that they like them. I never knew that could feel so good.

A few weeks ago, I went to one of the hipster coffee houses around here, when they were having an 'experimental' open mic night and I read some of Valerie's poems. They were funny ones, about men. It felt really good. My mom was with me too. They have an open mic poetry night once a month so I'm going to try and make that a regular thing. It felt good to share her words and hear people laugh. I still want to write up some stuff from her journals and self publish it, but I'm not pushing myself. I'll get it done when I feel it's right, not when it hurts me to do so.

Huh, that was a pretty solid insight I had right there. Taking a moment on that one.

I stopped taking my lexapro this week. I realized I was feeling better, but had major grogginess abnormal for me. Felt like I could fall over and go to sleep through the whole morning. I tried taking it at night and that was a little better, but I would sleep for like ten hours and wake up still feeling exhausted. I took half dose for about a week and have two days without. No major changes in my mood. I was so far down the deep rabbit hole of depression, I think I'll be able to tell the difference if I start sinking again.

It amazes me how much that medication helped me, and also how ok I feel now. I remember the doctor saying she was going to try and take me off of it in February. (This was back a few months when I started it). And I just about panicked, and I knew I was gonna have to fight her to never ever go off of it. You'd think as a therapist I would understand this brain chemical/ mood interaction but I don't. My brain doesn't grasp scientific concepts very well. But it's like my brain needed a jump start to remember how to be ok, and now I'm back online.

I started watching Fringe, and while I don't think I'll get fannish over it (there's no slash pairing, what's the point, right), I like watching it. It's comforting to watch, I love Olivia and Peter. I watch a few episodes before bed. I'm only on like episode 19 of season one, so no spoilers.

I started going back to the gym. Pushing myself physically, sweating, running until I can't breathe, lifting weights until it hurts- it feels good. And I feel so good afterwards. I don't even care if I loose weight. I don't care if I don't eat better. Just the physical activity feels so good. My only goal for this year is to gain enough physical confidence to take a self defense class. Because if I ever get kidnapped, I want to save myself like Olivia Dunham.

I took my son to the dentist this week and while that sounds stupid, it was amazing. He did so well and I am watching him grow up and it filled me with so much joy I almost cried. There are still good things in this world to experience.

I cleaned out my car the other day and I found a post secret card I made and never sent. It was a picture I had taken of the sky through the trees and I had written something like "where is she? I know she's dead but I don't know what that means. Where is she? I have to know." I drove to the post office and mailed it off and then cried a little bit in my car afterwards. Because I don't feel that desperately upset anymore. And letting go of that was kind of sad too.

Fringe

2014-01-03T03:22:06Z

Guys, sometimes even Olivia Dunham sleeps with the light on.

talula728 @ 2013-12-20T23:37:00

2013-12-21T05:37:16Z

Guys, I think I have read all the sterek fic on the Internet. I am sad and want more.