Rachel

skeltallightng — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 09:04:54 GMT

I'm laying in bed about to turn the TV off so I could get to sleep when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I look up to my one and only window and theres a man with his hood up on his hands and knees staring at me!

[about 2 minutes prior]
So I had just went upstairs after telling a friend of mine goodnight via text because I heard the dog barking and I figured I should check it out. A neighbor of mine had told me that he had seen a man prowling the neighborhood a few days ago.. I looked in all the windows and everything looked ok. So I went back downstairs in my dark basement room with the one window at the very top by the ceiling. Shut the lights off and about turned the TV off when I saw him. I froze deer in the headlights style, because evidentally I am a huge baby like that. He was on his hands and knees which for some reason makes it creepier. He crawled in the snow towards my egress window.. so I grabbed my phone and called 9-11. At this point I am too afraid to go upstairs because the light bulbs on the way upstairs are burnt out.. and yet again I am a BABY. So I called my mom [lol] and after she woke up I ran up the stairs. We waited until the police got there and after about 10 minutes and after some loud noises they came strolling back up to the front porch with the man I had seen in my window. They asked the normal questions like if I knew the guy and if I wanted him on my property. [me, "HELL NO!"] The cop then explained that he was going to jail for the night but how low his bond was and that his parents were probably going to bail him out. They said they had asked him and he admitted he had been here "peeking" several times before. So hes probably seen me naked plenty of times. Oh and the frosting on the top of the cake? He lives on the street right next to mine! great. Needless to say I love that dog I once didnt like so much and I will be sleeping A LOT less than I already was.

Let me also remind whomever is reading this that about 6 months ago my mother came to the kitchen to get some water to see a man in the kitchen heading towards the basement but once he saw her he ran out the back door. My mom said it looked just like the man they caught tonight. yet again.. GREAT.

I dont really know what to do anymore.

skeltallightng — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 05:47:05 GMT

"..and addicts are not reckless and dont care. Addiction is a disease like cancer or like depression. Maybe if other people who are fortunate enough not to have an addicting personality and have those good copeing skills didnt treat addicts so harshly than they would be more apt to get help for themselves. Instead addicts hid at home and in streets where they are accepted.

I am a recovered perscription addict. I went to a live in rehab facility for 15 days. I get really upset when I think that people who just dont know any better think of me as this reckless, unintelligent monster who cant control my impulses. Thats just simply not that case. Like other addicts I just needed help to get to a sober state of mind and find ways to deal with life that are healthy. We need to stop judgeing everyone else who isnt like us and instead take the time to listen to them."

skeltallightng — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 16:31:58 GMT

hmmm well something just really upset me.. but my phone is dead so I cant call anyone, Steph is sleeping so I cant talk to her about it, so I am LJ-ing.

Stephanie has a bf who she IMs with all the time.. well he just sent her an IM while I was on the computer.. and I happened to see at the top a part where she said "hopefully Rachel wont be here". :[?? Umm isnt she the one that asked me to come up here with her? [Mt. Pleasant] If she wanted me to leave wouldnt she just tell me? Guess not. Well I feel dumb. Chris said he wanted me to come over today at like 3 so I guess she will just have to deal with me until then.

anywayyssssss update on the whole rehab thing.. umm I went to rehab lol. but it was good for me. I needed it. and I have been doing really well since then. Drinking of course but I haven't touched a drug since and I haven't had the desire to either. I feel a lot more in control and level headed. It makes me wonder if I was even an "addict" in the first place.. shouldn't this be more difficult?? I guess I shouldn't jinx myself.. forever is a long time. But yes I have been drinking and in rehab they told us if we continued to drink that it would just replace the original addiction but I have honestly been drinking less than I did before. I no longer drink every night or try to. I only go out when there is something in particular going on, not for the hell of it. I am actually pretty proud of myself, even though no one else is. Idk why I expected anyyone to pat me on the back for overcoming FUCKING DRUGS but I should have known no one was going to give a damn and that if I wanted a pat on the back I was going to have to be the one who does it.
EDIT: I just realized today is my 30 days clean mark. Yaay for me!!

I am talking to Chris again. Long story short I missed him [and seeing as I deleted his phone number last time we got into a little argument..] I couldn't call him. I decided to facebook message him one day, but when I got on facebook to do so he had already sent me one. So I hungout with him yesterday and was very nervous because I hadent seen him in a while and I was really worried it was going to be awkward or idk.. I just thought something was going to go wrong. Well it went quite the opposite.. I was very comfortable and he re-reminded me why I like him so much in the first place. There is just something about him that makes me feel.. hmm I really dont even know a word for it.
which is good, and bad.
I am finally single and HAPPY about it. and I have been talking to this other guy who is smoking hot. I really dont want to go back to being the person I was being with Chris before.. where I missed him when he was gone and I couldnt go to Mt. Pleasant.. and then I became this jealous bitch. like a literal bitch.
but I get to see him later today and then I get to see Lauren.. so thats good. You have to take life head on.. so here I go.

Steph, Cadence, and I went out to O'Kelleys and the Wayside last night.. it was fun but I havent been that drunk in like 2 months. I danced my ass off which I needed pretty badly, spent waaayyy too much money as usual, [why the fuck was I tipping $6 to the bartended? Who the fuck was I trying to show off to?], and started the habit of ordering vodka and cranberries which is a lot more slimming than bud lights all goddamned night. mm vodka. anyways I now have a slight headache which is only going to get worse, I think I may still be a bit intoxicated, I have a bruise on my leg, and got into a small fight with Stephanie last night about God knows what.. I think I said something rude to her and she didnt like it. Oh drunkenness.. how I have missed how interesting you can be without xanax. Seeing as Lauren will be bar-tending tonight I think I will have to go for round two.. see who else I can piss off. There is no reason to drink in Saginaw.. so I might as well get it done in Mt. Pleasant and Alma right??

I lost a total of 5lbs now in like a few days over a week. Im pretty excited about that and it may just be in my head but I can see it. Hopefully I stop making excuses for myself like "its the winter, I always gain weight" and just fucking continue eating better. I feel thinner today and I need to take my diet supplements now but I cant see them helping this hangover.. that is the thing I miss most about xanax.. pop two and your hangover is gone.

I think I am just babbling at this point. Guess I had a lot in my head that needed to come out.

skeltallightng — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 03:16:36 GMT

I am at a loss for words.
I mean literally, I have gone over, and over the dictionary in my head and I can't figure out with correct thing to say.
yet actions speak louder than words.
And when it happens, you best believe you'll know it.
and so theres nothing more to be said.

skeltallightng — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 17:45:05 GMT

fuuuuuuccccckkk.
All I do is fuck up over and over and over again.
I cant do anything right.

skeltallightng — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 17:44:41 GMT

well I went out to eat with Alex[Alister] last night. Then we went to some group thing, and then went and stayed at his house in Owosso. Hes got a nice hottub here too [: [NO I am not a slut thank you so no thinking that way.] And tonight hes taking me to Grand Rapids for the biggest bar night wooooooooo. Hes a bit to christian for my taste sometimes, [Im actually listening to Red a christian rock band right now LOL.] but thats ok I probably need some religion in my effed up life. And we have good conversation. He's a generally fun person to be around.
Well this guy if you all don't remember is Danielle's Ex whom I lived with the both of them in Ohio at one point in time.
Danielle is also that Ex Bff of mine that left me in Standish with no way home.

Payback's a BITCH.

skeltallightng — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 04:09:35 GMT

well I dont give a fuck what any one says but I am going to DOT for treatment. I am too fucked up. I just dont no when to go and i dont want to lose my job.. [my manager is beautiful]. cant do this again by my self again. and I miss my ex bf like crazy. I dont know why but I thinkn about him all the time. I am high as fuck and going to bed. I have no money and my life SUCKS. thats its.

skeltallightng — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 23:52:03 GMT

I dont think I have been this upset in a long time. I am literally sick to my stomach and I am having a very difficult time stopping myself from vomiting.

at the moment my current dilema is that my mother said I could have MY bonds. I am in a bad financial situation seeing as I no longer have any sort of a family; they all just left me to carry on with their lives. I needed the money to get my car fixed so it would be easier for me to get a job in Bay City. Well come to find out my mother paid off a bill of mine without asking me first. with MY money. and then continued to tell me that I cant drive my car without insurance. OH so now you want to be a part of my life? when you can control what I can and cant do? but yet she already sent someone to start working on my car... why is the fuck would I pay to get my car fixed if I am not allowed to drive it? and I am sorry are we forgeting I no longer live with you and that I am not a child and I make my own decisions? she also involed my father and my step-mother who a few months back told me to kindly FUCK OFF and have yet to contact me since. Why would I want them involed? so she basically threw my money at me and told me not to contact her anymore. in the process of throwing my money at me she lost $50. thanks.. like I didnt need that.

on top of that I am a drunken idiot and in the past 3 days I manager to ruin anything that ever could have happened between Chris and I. Im not getting into specifics but needless to say I have no choice but to scurry away with my tail between my legs. and if you know me well I NEVER do that especally when it has to do with a boy.

in general I am just depressed at my situation as a whole. I live in a city I hate and have the worst luck getting a job. everyday I wake up wishing I hadent. I have lost most of the material things that I thought were important to me. I am trying desperatly to get back on my feet but its proving harder and harder as days go by. I no longer take xanax ever but I think I am going to need a few if I want to make it through the rest of the night.

the only option that gives me even a little bit of hope is I do have enough money to get to Florida to stay with Missy. There I can start over completely and hopefully make due with what I have. I have yet to talk to her though.

its getting to the point where I think most of the time I am better off dead.

skeltallightng — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 20:39:46 GMT

so its pretty effing lame that the Residence Inn hires me and tells me that I am going to start this last saturday.. I meet all the managers and go pass my drug test.. and then bam they get new management and everything gets all fucked up.
so here I am waiting for this mothereffing phone call tell me whether I am going to start anytime soon or not.
Pending whether I have to work or not, Chris is going to pick me up Tuesday and take me out to eat. I know its kind of a lame thing for me to do to him, but I am making him pick where we go so that way I can see if he knows what I like yet or not. He says he has an "idea" of where, which means hes not going to tell me until we get there. but anyways I am going to stay in Mt. Pleasant until thursday, and then hes going to drive me back to lame ass Bay City. but at least I will spend most of this week away from BC.
I am really starting to like him. He seems almost too good to be true sometimes [besides the living distance]. But then again.. I get bored pretty easily. we will see.
I am in Saginaw visiting my mother for the first time in like over a month. been here for a couple of days. its just nice to see the house and have HBO and Showtime lol.
oh well I guess thats it for now.

skeltallightng — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 22:28:55 GMT

I'd have to say taking myself off of xanax was a hell of a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. and I couldnt be happier.
one day I just decided that if I dont buy it at all then it wont be there for me to take. [hello obvious]
so I didnt take buy any and kept breaking the one I had left into smaller and smaller pieces only when I absolutly had to until there was none left. and then I realized I didnt need it anymore. simple as that. why did I do this a long time ago?
I mean dont get me wrong, I had a lot of problems sleeping and I twitched A LOT. Esp when I was sleeping. and I was pretty down on myself for a week or so. but how I feel now is completely worth it. I had to relearn how to do anything from getting ready to getting drunk without xanax which was a little odd but now hard. I mean I was on it 24/7 for over 9 months. no wonder this year went by so fast.
I have taken xanax twice since I have been off it which has been quite sometime now. I am positive I wont relapse seeing as I am afraid to take it. I dont want to risk going down the road of addiction and terrible choices ever again.
needless to say I am proud of myself.
I did try acid though. and its nothing you would think it would be like.
its really hard to sum up in words. its the most insane drug I have ever tried in my entire life and yet the most beautiful and eye opening one as well. Id probably do it again but maybe not as much this time.
I had to see blake fucking hall when I did it and that was a complete buzz kill but whatever.

anyways enough about drugs.
Bay City fucking sucks. I am happy everytime I come to Saginaw. I never thought I would ever say that.
I got a job as a front desk representative at the Residence Inn. I just need to get my car fixed and save up a little bt of money and then I am going to move back to Saginaw in some shitty little apartment. But at least I can say it is MY home and I will be back in my hometown.

oh and of course there are plenty of cute boys in life [:
I must say for the circumstances, life is going pretty well right now.
now back to getting ready for this Mary Kay party so I can get my free facial.

skeltallightng — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 09:14:32 GMT

soooo
lets see. my car broke down and I dont have the money to fix it
moved to bay city. and I couldnt drive to work so I quit.
but I think I have a job offer in Bay City now.
ummmmmmmmmmmmmm Danni took me to Standish with her. She wanted to hang out with her ex Dan.
mind you if you know me well the only time I ever go to Standish is to see John aka Biggun. But at the moment he is in GA. well we are staying at his house with his mom, brother, aka.
welllllll Danni decides to get stupid drunk both nights and we fought both nights so finally I told her I dont give a FUCK and where she can shove it.
that resulted in some lame threats and her leaving me in Standish with no ride home.
Thankfully I have Biggun on my side and as he says hes finding me some way home tomorrow and that Danni is no longer aloud in his house.
thank God.
but thats all thats really on my mind right now
I miss Saginaw a lot ]:

aka.. captin fuck up

skeltallightng — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 23:27:50 GMT

well the whole not drinking thing didnt work to well. I really want to blame it on saginaw. there isnt anything to do except drink. you can only watch so many movies. anyways ya so I drank the other night with some friends at a bonfire and ya it was fun but yet again watch me go ahead and drink waaayyyyyyy to much. I made an ass out of myself as usual and I guess I was really mean to David which I dont even rememeber. and I was driving at this point so if I dont remember it I DEF shouldnt have been driving.
so I didnt drink last night
I am going to the bar now with Noah and whomever he drags along
but I am NOT drinking and I am going to prove to myself that I can still go out and have fun without getting shitty.
at least til I can control myself.
and I am not drinking a SYS festival tomorrow. I have to admit I am a little excited to see everytime I die. I dont even listen to them anymore but they used to be in my top 3 favorite bands through out high school.

ok time to go prove that I am not like the rest of my family and my fate with not be decided at the bottom of and empty beer bottle.
yet again wish me luck

day 2

Officially going Sober

skeltallightng — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 09:35:57 GMT

in the recent weeks I have come to realize that eveything goes to shit when I am drinking.

yesterday was suppose to be the highlight of me week... caneoing with what used to be my bestfriend, her bf, Danni, Alister, and Zak. we got a "party ball" which is pretty much a mini keg for caneos. I remember flipping the boat, losing my shirt. swimming, trying to swim down the river by myself, and thinking I got poison ivy. all and all it was fun..

until shit happened like me getting a speeding ticket.. and getting pissed off and kicking in my fucking windshield.. ya those are going to be a bit expensive. then leaving tasha and zak at some gas station in mt. pleasant. why?? because I wouldnt turn the music down. oh ya and calling biggun and brent to cry about it. and texting andy. I dont fucking cry.. esp not in front of guys... Idk know all I know is this is just one day.. I have had many more like it.

I am bruised to shit.. which you expect outdoors but not this bad. every 2 inches of my skin has a bruise or a cut on it.

so I officially quick drinking for now. my mom did it, jaimie did it. its going to upset my other bestfriend sarah but oh well. I will still go to the bar with her, just not drink. which will make me a better driver.

Im not quitting xanax for now though. Im not stable enough without it. I think too much without it. I was using alcohol to ween myself off it but I have come to realize taking a anti-depressant when I really have depression is a lot better than being a sloppy, bitchy, beat up drunk.

wish me luck
day 1

randomness

skeltallightng — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 20:22:30 GMT

I've come to realize that in order for me to find a relationship that works I need to find someone I am actually compatable with. some who doesnt go wth? your favorite show is a cartoon about antagonists and protagonists that arch each other? speaking of that..

</div>
anyways the only people who like this show are complete nerds. not my type. except I guess that kind of makes me one too. idk

skeltallightng — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 03:24:07 GMT

well whats new in my life...
nothing. really. Im happier since Ive cleaned a lot of my damaging friends out of my life.
I couldnt deal with all the drugs and the drama anymore. yet Anthony was on of them and he sent me a facebook message the other day. but I will be strong and let the past stay in the past.
And Tino tried talking to me a couple times too.. I told him to just give it up.
I went canoeing the other day and had sooo much fun. except now I know Jay cant canoe and puts spiders in my boat lol
Tasha tried to teach me how to fight girls her size and turns out I definatly cannot when I am drunk as fuck lol
olive garden is the same except I am getting a lot better at it than I was.
I am almost completely off of xanax Thank God!
my mom just bitches at me.. all the time. I mean I am either at work, sleeping, or out. what is there to bitch about? leave me alone.
my house continues to get vandalized...
thats all I feel like writing for now. nap time.

its 5:30 in the morning..

skeltallightng — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 09:50:57 GMT

and I just took 3 bars to try and put me back to sleep. I think I am going to sleep in Laurens bed for shits and giggles.

Yesterday was what would have been my gmas 74th bday. So I went to a bonfire with Noah and Lauren and all Noahs friends and drank a 6 pack and met lots of hot boys. then I went to someplace else bar with vern and drank 2 rum and cokes [I hate rum] in honor of my grandmother because thats the only thing she drank. stopped at the red eye after that to discuss things with Jason the tender.

Turns out this guy I have been texting is the SAME FUCKING GUY I WAS SCREAMING AT BECAUSE HE BANNED ANDREA FROM THE RED EYE. funny how I am also banned from the bar his ex works at. hmmm.... but ya we smoothed things over and Andrea is allowed back in there so its okay. then went home and went to sleep. and now I am awake. wtf.

heres the important stuff. why is it that all my guy friends can go around fucking/hooking up every girl[or guy] they have known for at least 5 minutes and they are all good, but I hit on a few guys in one night and I am a fucking slutty bitch? I thought our society was pasted this bunk bias BS. guess not.

Lauren is all moved in. I love it. but shes not home tonight. that cunt.

Lacie is being adopted but a nice christian family with 4 kids who love her. I am so happy shes found a nice happy home to live in. yet I had to stop myself from crying the whole time I was meeting them. I will ALWAYS be her mama. I love you baby girl.

I wont be the same until at least after the 13th [the day my grandma died] just so everyone knows ahead of time,

I am

skeltallightng — Mon, 25 May 2009 07:25:14 GMT

sooo fucked up right now.. I cant even explain it.
but it feels sooooo amazing after the hell of a day I had.
[I poured the whole thing of ice tea all over me and the side station today]
time for some Daisy of Love and then the solice of sleep [:

EVERYONE OF THESE ARE AMAZING

skeltallightng — Sat, 23 May 2009 17:52:50 GMT

watch

this one made me almost cry

and then this one did make me cry ]:

FML

skeltallightng — Wed, 13 May 2009 17:13:28 GMT

fine! I finally said it. fuck my life.
My friend sarah is no longer going tonight to support me. Why? because she doesnt like the bar. I DONT LIKE THE DAMN BAR. mike the owner pisses me the fuck off. but I go to whites all the fucking time with her because she wants to go there.
this all goes back to a converstation I had with someone before. I guess I just kind of expect all my closest friends to make the extra effort [even though theres no effort to it] to come out ONE NIGHT a fucking week to my event. my second job. what detemines whether I make money that night or not. Even come out once for fucks sake. but all I hear is.
*"I dont live in saginaw." -for most of you, its an hour dirve or less. crash at my house. BIG DEAL
*"omg it cost money to get in??" -ITS MONEY. get a fucking job.
*"Im only 18.. I cant drink and Im not going to a bar not to drink." -get fucking creative. bring a bottle in your purse and drink it in the bathroom. drink before hand. its not that hard to figure out. Ive been drinking at bars since I was 17.

there are a few excuses I can take.. but as far as that shit. whatever. I have people who are driving from 2 hours away who are 18 and have to sneak booze in who are coming and they arent even that close to me. its just shows what peoples priorities are when it comes to friendship.

how much louder so I have to yell it out to everyone? THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME. so if I am important to you, you'd be there. plan and simple.

I just dont give a fuck anymore.

..this even if you hate this kind of music. its only a minute long and its how I feel 100% right now.

for some reason I like this one better

.</div></div>

now. I am going to do some promoting. tonight is a big night for me. the least you all can do is wish me the best

P.S.

skeltallightng — Tue, 12 May 2009 22:57:21 GMT

I wish these fucking bars would kick in.

skeltallightng — Tue, 12 May 2009 22:54:16 GMT

so I have the next two days off from olive garden.. its whatev whatev
buuuttttt... tomorrow is yet another wednesday promoting at the schuch. and yet again I am about to jump out of my skin. the first two events went great. esp my first one ever.. that one went amazing, there were soo many people that I brought in and the contests went well. [I was judging, mind you.] but last wednesday bombed and I was completely disappointed in myself, even if I do blame Brandon.
all in all tomorrow needs to be hoping. majorly. I need the cash and the exposer and well.. just the personal gratification. I love that I know that Sarah and Lauren will always roll with me and that I can always count on Collin, Anthony, Sacrider, Mandy, and Mitch to show up. I have more people confirmed this week so I guess I will see how it goes... I just wish people would start RSVPing on the internet so I can stop worrying so much!!

so ya I have tomorrow off but not really because I will be preparing for the night ahead all day.
Vernon keeps trying to recuit me behind Brandons back. he wants me to do all these events with him. idk I fell confused a lot.
nothing else is really new. same drama just a different fucking day. I feel like today is a good day to read a bit and sleep, even though the weather is beautiful.

I just wish everyone would stop bitching.

This the record that my backpack underground fans get to get to skippin
Back pack, Southern town fans get to tippin
Chasin fat stacks, runnin down grands and submission
I don't back track, every single sound for me different
I don't own no ice, just got clean rap
Don't ever two step, I just rock, lean, snap
We could take it out to Houston where the rides all glossed up
Anybody I'm standin beside's all bossed up
Burgular *minor they say I'm servin them rhymers*
And me and Nickel F go together like burgers and diners, yes
I'm like a waiter and you somethin like a hater
With trays in both hands, place an order I can cater uh
I got the diamonds in my teeth flow
Memphis is the reason that my rhyming and my *chopped voice* speech slow
Peep though, I only got pity for you lames
Sitting pretty in the game, in the city that I claim

Yo, the city is mine (which one?)
T-O-R-O-N-T-O
D-R-A-K-E that's me
You know how the story goes
Pull up, range rove, yo' chick wanna roll
And I play myself in the stereo
And I make 'em wanna
Shake shake it, drop it drop it, bounce it bounce it, wop it wop it
Girl, move that thang like you gettin money for college, go!
Shake shake it, drop it drop it, bounce it bounce it, wop it wop it
Girl, move that thang like you gettin money for college, go!

Break it down like you working for your tuition at Howard
Mama, get it how you live, that thang that you working is power
Tryna be generous, so honey here's a tip
Now-a-days it's gettin cheaper to put 20's on the whip
So if you a opportunist look for 20's in the clip
And if you find 'em attractive and funny, that's when you dip, dip
And it's a trip, my city broke into sections
Up North I got me a couple of troubles, couple connections
And it's nothing that I created on purpose, there's people that gotta problem
But they scared to let it surface, uh
Ya boy say this, that, and the third to 'em
See me out and they never utter a word to 'em
Expect me not to draw a card from the deck
Anybody in my city going hard I respect but,
You gotta debt and you choose not to pay that
Imma hop ya fence, come into your yard and collect, lect uh
It ain't a problem of concern bruh, I always end up with exactly what I earn bruh
This ain't last year, money like a cashier, so hand your receipt if you tryna make a return bruh
Yessir, I live in a city where a lot of people don't get shine, shine
And, I be on by the fence as soon as anybody stepping out of line, line
And I got way too much love, for the city I can never get too much of
And if anybody hatin on me, I deport 'em, the city is mine boy

Yo, the city is mine (which one?)
T-O-R-O-N-T-O
D-R-A-K-E that's me
You know how the story goes
Pull up, range rove, yo chick, wanna roll
And I play myself in the stereo
And I make 'em wanna
Shake shake it, drop it drop it, bounce it bounce it, wop it wop it
Girl, move that thang like you gettin money for college, go!
Shake shake it, drop it drop it, bounce it bounce it, wop it wop it
Girl, move that thang like you gettin money for college, go!

I got a trap house, got a trap car

skeltallightng — Fri, 08 May 2009 13:30:51 GMT

So I wake up this morning and as usual I feel like... ohhh Goooddddd another fucking day and Im not dead yet.
Lacey pooed on the new carpet again because she just got fixed and the medicine is upsetting her stomach. my poor doggy. but my mom... oh my mom. OMFG ALL OVER AGAIN YOU ARE YOUR FUCKING DOG RUIN MY LIFE BLAH BLAH BLAH and such. the normal. so I get right up to clean it up and of course I am not doing that correctly either. she keeps telling me she is "this close" to the end, which is her pretty much telling me shes going to kill herself and its going to be my fault.
we all get sad sometimes. a lot of us a lot of the time.
WHY DO YOU THINK I TAKE SO MUCH XANAX. honeslty this xanax bullshit is well.. bullshit. ya we arent suppose to be taking it and buying it and selling it blah blah blah I get it. but until xanax came into my life... I honeslty didnt think I was going to make it. as long as I[we] arent taking like 5 bars a day, I'm thinking were going to be okay.
my life just basically sucks right now. sucks but is amazing at the same time.
I have a good job waitressing, yet I hate the drama there.
I have money like its nothing, yet I am being irresponsible with it, yet again.
I have soo many friends, yet I cant trust more than like 2 of them.
I have a job promoting. I basically get to drink/party/meet celebs/dance and shit and get paid for it. yet I HATE the owner of the club. he makes it so hard for me to promote becauses hes such a douche and has that fucking racsist ass dress code. competeing with hamilton st pub is a bitch. and its brandons fault we didnt get paid wednesday.. he was to busy getting wasted. hes the one whos been doing this for 5 years now! hes suppose to be showing me the ropes.. not haning them to me. ohhh and brandon...
why the FUUUCCKK so I like him so much? I have never liked someone like I liked him. I thought I couldnt live without Anthony and then theres David of course. but neither of them compare to what he makes me act like. When David or Anthony call me or come around Im like ehhh.. not so important. Is it because he plays so hard to get? and if I ever do get him am I going to do what I always do and be over it just as quickly as I was on it? I mean I had a crush on him like 2 years ago when I was dating his brother [ohhhh Jason hates me now btw lol. blocked me from myspace and everything.] anyways.. Brandon was suppose to come over last night and what not and he bailed.. of course. So I am at the point where Im like fuck it. time for the walls to come up. putting the guard on. I am not going to let myself get hurt. its strickly buisness between him and I now. no matter how drunk I get, no more hugging, kissing, or sleeping in the same bed. HES NOT EVEN CUTE. not my type at all. not even close. I guess I cant blame everything on him though.. hes 26 and has been married before. that girl tore his heart out of his chest. when I ask all his friends they just tell me he has emotional issuse about woman since then. so maybe his wall is already up.. but like I said before. I cant risk it. its just buisness now..
yet idk about that anymore either. yesterday I told him to stop making plans with me and then canceling them later. and to just text me when he knows what he wants me to do for this wednesday. well there isnt a event up for wednesday yet... so its one of three things.. hes quitting, hes dropping me, or he is yet again being irresondsible. I dont care anymore.. this promoting this is to much hassel than its worth.
Lauren is moving in with me finally. at first I thought it was a bad idea that her and I are pretty much bffs, work together, and live together; but we never really argue about anything. and I need her around to get on the same level. I love my lauren and I am sick of a select few people getting mad about it. and I need her here to distract me from my mom.
I also need Lacey to get a good home soon. she needs a better mommy than me. she deserves better than me.
ehhh thats all I have for now. time to go pop some xanax and get ready to wait tables.

[edit]: I spell checked it and well.. fuck it. I cant spell. oh well

skeltallightng — Tue, 05 May 2009 02:49:28 GMT

I never get on here.
I hate work,
I hate being PR for the schuch,
my family is a bunch of drunk, drug users/sellers
bleh

love my friends lately though and I have money. so its all good

skeltallightng — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 14:59:32 GMT

well I am starting my morning off by drinking old old coffee from my moms freezer.
christmas eve was pretty good.. Had my moms side of the family party, and my mom got me a hannah montana blanket lol. my little second cousins are soooo cute, they all loved the gifts I got them.
then went to bay city to my cousins dave and dianas on my dads side. they got me paul mitchell shampoo and conditioner. thats probably the best gift they have gotten me. I love it.
My dad and stepmom of course had to fuck up the entire night by argueing over something petty on the ride home. I side with my dad completely on this one; Linda was being ignorant. they made my sister cry which really pisses me off. but its whatever I have learned to ignore them by now.
so I spent the night at my moms instead with my doggy. speaking of Lacie she is driving me up the wall. she is getting very needy the past couple of days. but I am happy I got her trained. I think I am going to be able to stop caging her pretty soon. thats if Tiff and Anthony dont give me problems. Oh well if they do I will just hide her cage so they cant stick her in it.
Today I have no idea whats going on. I have to open gifts at my moms, then at some point open gifts with my dad, and then my moms whole side of the family is going swimming at the holiday inn. If josh sees me there I am pretty much fucked but my gpa says if he tries to kick me out hes going to let him know a thing or two. my grandpa does not play lol. later tonight I get to hang out with miss stephanie and I am not sure what we are doing yet. I am suppose to fit church in there somewhere but I am not to sure how.
idk.
work is the same. Jared gets more ridiculious everyday. I am trying to be switched to full time.
k time to get chrsitmas started

skeltallightng — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 14:03:49 GMT

ugh shoot me now
and no steph I am not being depressive so shut your pie hole lol

went to CMU for the weekend. it was an amazing time thanks to my gf of 15 years. <33
went to the pub and made a drunkasshole of myself.
then went to a x-mas party at deerfield the next day

then worked whooooooohoooooooo

then went to Jasons Choir concert with steph and her dad last night. he did sooo good I was proud. he had a solo and everything. yay for my lil brother from another mother. lol

went to bed insanely early.. like 12am. which is weird because I am used to working thirds. got up but 7:30am. going home to get ready, then I think I am going to go visit Anthony in jail.. unless its too cold or if someone else is there to see him. then doing all my christmas shopping and then who knows.

k little update
thats all