Shadows and Trees, Fangs and Armor.

Rain, and another day...

metlwolf — Mon, 19 Jul 2004 10:53:01 GMT

At last, the heat and humidity are broken, and I am whole in the cool fall of the Mother's cleansing hand. Woke to trees whispering their gratitude, wind caressing my face through the open window, thunder rumbling like a dragon in restless sleep. Feet were warmed by the dog who's adopted me and follows me from room to room, lungs were filled with fresh, cool, dry air, and near me slept a beautiful girl... (on a separate bed, thank you, we're taking things slowly.) I have discovered (no, not just now, but a long time ago,) that nothing has as much potential for giving me a good morning's start than the soft breathing, the gentle curves, the scent of a woman next to me when I wake. That in combination with the storm outside made me feel alive this morning.

In spite of difficulties, pain and mental/physical fatigue, I am glad to be awake this morning, and alive.

My love to those who love me, my indifference to those who don't, and to those somewhere in the middle, my sincerest apologies for my insensitive callousness.

Focus is... difficult, these days. I am self-absorbed by reflex. Head-games and emotional booby-traps stud the path before me like black sequins. I'll get through it eventually. If you do not, I am most sorry for it. It is my loss, entirely. Either way, I think of you with love, and gratitude.

Moonlight. Blessings.
More periodically.

The score.

metlwolf — Sat, 17 Jul 2004 12:26:25 GMT

Just so everyone is "on the same page," this is the current status of my imposed identity for the masses:

(And I quote...)

"Yes Eric, why dont you tell these good people the truth about how you treated Tabatha? Or is that beneath you to be honest these days? Yes I will give her a name to whom you call "Wife". When she was out here visiting me and Chris ( my husband ) months ago I was stunned at what a beautiful woman she was. I had been online with her talking to her as a sister and friend for 2 years on AOL, during which the time you two were still married and together. She was on her way to see her family. She had restrictive cardiomyopathy. Why pretend you did not know?? She had a heart condition for years. She had tests ran when you were married to her and with her. You knew what the doctors told her.
Tell us, how does one go about a divorce proceeding when the person is not around anymore?
I don't understand why this need to lie. You treated her terribly. When she was out here she showed me some emails she had sent to you asking if you were seeing another person. And you out and out lied to her!
As I said, I was a support person to her for 2 years. I was on the phone alot with her when she was crying and an emotional wreck. You treated her terrible. Why not be honest about pushing her down, yelling at her, pushing her down when she was pregnant with your child and causing her to miscarry, then toward the end all you did was ignore her when she begged for some scrap of attention from you. I dont feel Iam being biased at all. Ive seen some of the mails you sent to her. She showed them to me and Reep. I hope you understand this, she was my sister. I didnt realize what a beautiful person she really was till I met her face to face. I know the hell she went through cause I saw her through it and I begged her to leave you. She rather cut her wrists and die, than get out and try to be happy. No, she kept telling me things would get better with you and they never did.
Blame me.
I told her to leave.
I told her to get out. Im glad she did. At least she got to see the one thing you promised to give her and didnt.
Why not tell these people how you purposefully ingored her night after night playing your nintendo or gameboy games while she was asking for your attention. You didnt want her and you threw her away in my opinion.
I dont give a damn about what you do in your future, but I'll be hanged if I sit by and allow you to defame the memory of her. I wish I could post a picture I took of her while she was here. To give a face to her.
You go on and do as you will. I pity the likes of you or anyone else who is fooled by your bullshit.
From my recollection you played this same silver-tongued crap on her when you first met her online too. It was to her detriment she believed in you.

Maji - Mary Korsen"

Kiss-kiss to you too. You couldn't be biased here, could you?

First: It is not beneath me to be honest. This is not a chat room. This is my space to rant, carry on, dream, babble, or anything else I personally choose to do. If you do not like the content or the slant thereon, do not read it. You will upset yourself much less. In other words, milady, if you can't take the fangs, stay away from the wolf's mouth.

Second (out of order, appologies, but see directly above): The reason I only rarely (if ever) refered to my wife by name was do avoid exactly that kind of defamation in a public forum, and never gave out my own last name for further protection of all involved. Had you been a stranger, you'd never have known it was me or her. You are no stranger (to her, at least,) and thus apparently have some stake in this. Which is why I bother with it at all.

Third:I could go on my own rant about "honesty" and "faith" here, but I refuse. As I said, this is not a public flame-forum, and I refuse to allow it to degenerate into such. It is a personal space for myself and my friends to converse on, and, apparently, you.

Fourth: The cardiac condition. Yes, I was aware she had (again, I quote) a "mild mitral valve prolapse." She never let it keep her from doing anything, and was never particularly concerned about it as far as I could tell. Why I bother with this here is beyond me. No, no "tests" were run during our marriage that I was aware of that indicated anything more serious.

Fifth: I'm glad she was beautiful when you met her. I have no idea what she looked like. I haven't seen Tabatha in over... what... a year and a half now?

Sixth: One goes about a divorce proceeding this way: One tells a judge that he hasn't seen his wife in a year and a half, tells him she intended separation when she left, tells him he hasn't heard her voice in better than a year, and tells him he no longer desires to be married to the lady in question, due to "Irreconcilable Differences." That is how one divorces a spouse one hasn't seen in a year and a half. I'm sure pamphlets are available.

Seventh: You've made mention of her "not being around anymore," and how you "knew her and loved her." I am assuming for the moment this means something bad has happened, but you have yet to clarify, and I've dealt too often with people who use such vagueries to disguise some non-critical situation as a dire circumstance to inspire guilt. (Note: no names named. Aren't I sweet?) If you have information regarding Tabatha, please share. Otherwise, I'll assume it's another AOHell head game and disregard any further mention of it completely.

Eighth, yes, I did push her once, in the heat of the worst argument we ever had. It was not intended as a physical blow, but as a means to get past her (she had cornered me... a very bad thing to do when I'm angry) and get out of the house so I could master my own anger. I have always regretted it from the moment it happened, am not proud of it, and will not lie about it. Being married to me in Missouri was no joy. I WAS a complete asshole there, and because of the superhuman stresses and hellish circumstances we were going through at the time from outside our marriage, I doubt either of us were the people we had met and married six years before. I do not explain this as some defense or excuse. There is no excuse for pushing her. None. But there were reasons for our split, and those reasons were very real, to both of us, as were the reasons for staying together as long as we did. Like it's your business, Mary.

By the way, I commend you for the use of your name in your E-mail. It's probably the only reason I responded.

Ninth: I "Blame" nobody but myself and Tabatha for our separation. I am disappointed, though not surprised, that you have persued this line of offense on only half a story, but nothing can be done for it. People are like that. Drama is, unfortunately, addictive. Mine will end here, thank you.

And, I'm hardly "silver-tongued." I'm a verbal klutz. But devoted to communication over reactionary aggression. So I guess there's a silver lining, anyway. Yes?

Moonlight and Blessings.
More later.

A return, and dark confusion.

metlwolf — Mon, 05 Jul 2004 11:32:37 GMT

Judging from my last entry (by proxy) and the replies thereto that I have only now read, I am wondering: what has become of the lady I married so long ago and only now am giving my goodbyes to? To any (with a clue about "the truth" or not) who might know this, know that I am unaware of her whereabouts and have been for better than a year. Do not chastise unthinkingly what you have no part of. Ask, and share what you know. It may be that a different light might be shed on things I have experienced from my (apparently)excluded viewpoint. I am not, as I have always maintained, afraid to stand behind my own actions and admit mistakes IF I have made them. I challenge you, O gentle reader, to do the same.

Mistakes cannot be corrected if they are left to fester.

Beyond this disturbingly ominous backdrop, I am returned from the Silent Land (i.e. the world without an internet,) and am back in Lewiston, where I prefer to be. I apologize sincerely to those who have worried about me in my absence, and I will try my best to sign on and answer regularly again. My E-mail has, of course, changed, and I will send it to all in need of it for personal correspondence, though I intend to be a bit more cagey about it this time. :::grumbles::: Reactionaries make my hindquarters itch.

To those wondering, YES, 'tis moi.

Only I am continually mired in this brand of chaos. :::sigh::: I long for caffeine today.

To my detractors: instead of shutting down my E-mail, try using it to communicate with me instead of automatically assuming I'm the heartless bastard I know I am. AOHell was left behind for solid reasons, and knee-jerk stupidity was one of them.

To my friends: again, apologies. The Idaho Falls move was ill-fated, and the move back was... chaotic. But I am back, for better or worse, and I await your adulation and/or abuse with equal enthusiasm, as have missed you all.

Moonlight and Blessings.
More later.

On dual personalities...

metlwolf — Sat, 29 May 2004 18:07:03 GMT

I have had an unfortunate experience with identity theft. It seems I have been, if only briefly, a victim thereof. Due to outside interference from someone with unauthorized access to my account, I appear to have posted/written/commented/deleted things that I did not post/write/comment/delete. The situation has been rectified and I apologize for any inconvenience/confusion/embarassment/annoyance experienced as a result of this incident.

For any that have been worried about me, all goes well and as soon as I have internet access again I will post the details of my adventure as well as send my new email address to all in need of it, seeing that my old one has been cancelled.

Moonlight and Blessings,
Eric

P.S. Many thanks to one of my bestest friends for posting this message by proxy for me.

And, just for the record...

metlwolf — Mon, 10 May 2004 13:48:04 GMT

Yes. I know.

Discover your Zodiac Personality @ Quiz Me

:::tosses confetti::: Surprise.
:::smirks:::

The day before The Day.

metlwolf — Mon, 10 May 2004 13:35:39 GMT

I am forced by dread of road-fatigue to try to sleep by 8pm or so tonight, which will be a feat if I can accomplish it.

Tomorrow I'll be driving into the sunrise.

I am... nervous. I despise angstiness, and abhor whininess in my own posts even more so. But I am intimidated by the implications and possibilities of this move. Change frightens me. Always, ever has it been so. I am a child of stable, well-worn paths. I dislike diversions into chaos that, ironically, I do not control. I keep telling myself that I can return to Lewiston with a word, that even without my parents and all that ride with them, I can make it in Idaho Falls or ANYWHERE for that matter, so long as my instincts remain sharp and my wits are about me. I am, to some degree, skilled, though the practical, profitable skills I have are anathema to my happiness, being that they were developed in a hellish situation and remind me relentlessly of said.

Brave. She tells me I am brave. I will endeavor to be so. To... remain so.

I am told by beauty that I am beautiful. Told by perseverance that I can persevere. Told by strength that I am strong. Told by love that I am missed.

May all of you be where I am going, somewhere in my journey, that I can someday show my gratitude to you. I will never forget the debts I owe to those who have earned my utmost respect, my ironclad loyalty, my rare and hard-won friendship.
With you all, I feel like I belong.

:::raises cup::: To you, in my companionship, if not my company.

I will keep you, gentle reader, appraised of my progress as my journey unfolds.

J, I'll call or E-mail as the road permits to soothe your nerves (and mine.)

Moonlight and Blessings.
More later.

Developments. (Yes, I'm STILL alive, dammit. Stop asking me that. It's... unnerving.)

metlwolf — Fri, 07 May 2004 15:20:35 GMT

(ahem)

Yesterday was... difficult.

Was talking to my friend Logan, but only for a few minutes. Stepmother started playing piano as I was hanging up, and thus apparently thought I was still on the phone, not listening to the music. Between tunes, I also was able to hear every word of her whispered conversations with my father concerning me... specifically about how she expected me to (irresponsibly) demand to spend the weekend in Lewiston if they chose to let me keep my apartment-deposit check, instead of accepting it as payment for my car insurance (which they covered in my money's absence) as I'd wished them to. My stepmother's phrasing here was far less kind/subtle than mine. She told my father that I could have the money back only once we were in Idaho Falls, so I wouldn't go blow the money, and the weekend, in Lewiston. She went on (after another gospel ditty) to demand that my father talk to me about the (occasional, I assure you) phone calls coming in from Lewiston in the evenings, and to comment about how I should break my friendship with Logan off, as it is "not healthy."

To clarify, Logan is a thirteen-year-old boy in Lewiston, the child of very good friends there. He has taken to calling me "Uncle Eric" on occasion, and he and his older sister play D&D with me as time permits. Logan reminds me, admittedly, of my stepsons, who I was forced to disconnect from by my separation from my wife and their bastard of a biological father. The boy is starved for attention (and help with homework,) as both his parents work long hours and odd shifts. We each fill a gap in the life of the other, and nothing but good has come of this. While I see distance becoming a calming factor in our friendship, we have E-mail, and I do not see my move to Idaho Falls as becoming devastating to either of us in this respect.

My parents have never met Logan.

My parents expect me to act like a spoiled twelve-year-old.

My parents are apparently under the impression that not only is it better to whisper about me than talk to me, but that I am an idiot, and deaf to boot.

My stepmother seems to lack any respect for the things I've gone through, and feels obliged to take over control of my life because I obviously can't handle it. :::sigh:::

I got an opportunity to talk to my father later (I'd wished to talk to them both, but I took what I had.) I told him I'd heard the whole mess, and that I was seriously thinking of moving back to Lewiston after helping them complete their move, as I was not comfortable (!!!) with being in the situation that was evolving around my ears.

He took it well, understood my concerns, and promised me that A) he would talk to my stepmother, and B) if, after he talked to her, I give the move a chance and it still makes me uncomfortable, I have only to let him know and he will make sure I can return to Lewiston without complaint.

So, and so. Done.

I will carefully watch the situation, apply the patience I am amazed to find within myself, and hope.

More later, gentle reader.

Moonlight and Blessings.

Nezperce. Stress. The Move continues...

metlwolf — Fri, 30 Apr 2004 16:53:00 GMT

All is basically well, but when I start thinking about specifics the devil truly is in the details.

As most (?) of my friends know already, I'm moving to Idaho Falls to be around my father in his winter years, and to get a better grasp on my own life as well. Unfortunately, this also entails living in the same house with my parents, at least for a while, minimum. I am accustomed to living beneath my own roof, doing as I please, and not having rules laid down to me without openly scoffing and presenting an even longer list of demands for my own amusement. (Independent? Me?) Now I find my urge toward individuality squelched by my desire to remain friendly with my stepmother, who is currently driving me up the wall.

I am not stupid, nor twelve years old, or in need of any variation of "curfew" or "bedtime". I do not need advice on relationships at the moment (especially from those not involved in mine at all,) am not willing to release my soul into the hands of the Mormon version of God (or ANY version beyond my own, thank you,) and have not asked to join the family in the role of "child." I will deal with the consequences of my problems myself, in my own time, and do not presume the assistance of any other human being in this regard. I am (deliberately) unused to being accountable to anyone but myself, and do not like that kind of accountability being ASSUMED of me by anyone. Currently, I am being subjected to all of the above by my stepmother. My patience is being tried. I do not want to feel like this - armor in full blossom, hackles up, all for the benefit of warding off my own family. On whose behalf my recently-broken back is killing me today. Without whom my back would not be broken in the first place.

Yes, can't have a sundae without the cherry. Irony tastes like Marchino cherry, once you've swallowed enough of it.

Tact. Dammit. I have to lock this down until my stress/pain levels have evened out, or I may end up saying something I will regret lastingly.

I understand that my stepmother is just as stressed and tired as I am, and just as physically burdened with pain and injury. However, patience is elusive these days, particularly when I'm feeling pushed. And lately, I am being PUSHED.

My most strenuous fight will not be with my stepmother, but with myself. I must resist pushing back, hard. Thankfully, I am not alone with myself in this struggle. Yes, gentle reader, I have a network of spiritual support/restraint to fall back on when my judgement and self-control are not enough.

Thank the Gods. If not for this, I'd be completely buggered. I am forever grateful.

:::sigh::: At least I can see a silver lining. Every day spent is a day closer to what lies beyond the stresses and little agonies of the Move.

A day closer to Jessica, and the continuation/realization of what could, eventually, be epic.

A day closer to Alaska, and adventure in the return to my motherland, not to mention reacquaintance with my sister.

A day closer to (yet) another new start, though I must admit, I'm getting weary of the whole concept behind "starting over." I'd rather find some conclusions and STICK TO THEM. Soon. Sooner every day.

Patience.

Many things can be said about my life. "Boring," surprisingly, is not one of them. I think of myself as a quiet, unassuming person. I do not ask often for the exploits of the adventurer, nor ever for the tragedies of the hero's beginnings. I am boring, by my personal definition at least. Admittedly, some of the things that afflict me are, I'm sure, blown out of proportion by my sense of dramatic irony, but not all, gentle reader. Oh no, not all. Even I am not that blind.

Stay tuned. Who knows what's going to happen next.

More later.
Moonlight and Blessings.

P.S. - I might have trouble posting reliably next week. Trip One (of likely four or more) to Idaho falls begins Tuesday. Keep your tootsies crossed for me, dearest ones.

Another day in Lewiston, perhaps one of the last for some time to come.

metlwolf — Tue, 27 Apr 2004 11:23:30 GMT

Hello again, gentle reader.

Once again, I am in Lewiston. Waiting for my car to be returned to life. Once it is repaired, I will love it again. For now, less so.

A matress on a living room floor smelled pleasantly of sleeping dogs, by which I was surrounded upon waking. I, having stayed the night here among friends to avoid two wasted hours of commute time, am beloved of the various animals who live here. A dog at my legs, a dog at my chest, and a cat taking up the middle. I was not cold last night.

I woke, as I mentioned, to this, and to the sound of someone entering the back door. Only a nearby relative, yes, but enough of a disturbance to rouse the dog at my chest who, being a bulldozer with a tail, leapt over my head to investigate and protect. And slugged me in the eye with his wrist on the way over.

This, before my first cup of coffee.

Things have improved somewhat since. No black eye, which I honestly expected considering the force of impact. Gaming with coffee. Love and loyalty from animals and a child who are not mine. Decent movies (13th Warrior, Man in the Iron Mask) and a cool, overcast day. Coffee, and more coffee. My car will be mine again today. Love and gentle words from the lady that consumes my thoughts of late, which outshines all other pleasant points of the morning.

I am uplifted.

Now to answer.

All is well today.

More later.

A note to prove I have a pulse... Gods do I ever. Like thunder, these days.

metlwolf — Fri, 23 Apr 2004 15:08:27 GMT

Smitten? Perhaps, yes. I shall leave the definition and severity thereof to others in light of the following evidence.

She and I talked again. I called her. She called me. She'd been worried about my long silence, and I'd been craving her voice for nearly a week. I was apologetic, exhausted, hurting, needing her. She was forgiving, gentle, caring, generous with herself. Late into the night we talked of a great many enchanting, frightening things, and when we finally set down our respective ends of the phone line, I was drunk from the warm pressure beneath my skin. As I lay trying to go to sleep, I felt a neutron-star-dense form of nervous tension behind my solar plexus pulling inexorably at the energy from my extremities. It was the same gravity I felt when we started talking, that kept my stomach in a knot all through our conversation. I am... frightened. Fascinated. Nervous. Craving once again. I do the same thing to her, it seems. Dangerous. Intoxicating.

All things between us are still placed delicately on the shelf of "No commitments, only friendship." Precariously so, I've learned. This pleases me, this danger of falling. The adrenaline adds more speed yet to the terminal velocity I feel ripping my breath away when we talk, tearing at my thoughts and reason and robbing my tongue of its usual eloquence.

Does she feel this? I have reason to believe so. We parted last night with frightening words... wonderful words. It is the second time.

Am I foolish to allow this? Perhaps, considering the length of the knife I've had to pull from my back in times (and a marriage) past. I should have learned a lesson there, yes? But then, I suppose I have learned a lesson, though not the one best suited to caution. Lesson: I love this feeling enough to risk immense amounts of emotional pain to find it, and hold on to it.

She is not my "girlfriend," no. She is a lady, and a friend. Though my wife has been absent for a year and a half and the divorce proceeds at its plodding pace, I am, technically, still married. I also feel a tug of fear, a leftover from a vow of forever that failed. She is frightened of an online relationship, and of commitments in general, with many a good reason. She and I are distant from each other geographically, and may never physically "click" when we do, at last, meet. We do not, cannot, know.

But I have a promising hunch. And, of course, my will.

The move continues. I have devoted many hours and much effort to it, and far too much sleep lost. My apartment is packed, moved, done. Nezperce is next, then on to Idaho Falls where my base of operations is to be. Maybe a visit to Oregon after that, and perhaps then, with my sister, to Alaska by way of the Yukon Highway. Newport, Oregon... pressure in my bones, restlessness, craving. Soon. Anchorage, Alaska... my motherland, a place I've promised myself a visit to for a very, very long time. After that, I do not know. I will see how things happen in their order, and I will keep in mind that I have no anchors anywhere anymore. I am... free.

Freedom, in small part, is a commodity to be traded for the things in life that are most important, but bear the greatest responsibilities with them.

And I plan to spend that currency wisely.

Toward my own happiness, for a change.

And, perhaps, hers.

Moonlight and Blessings.
More later, as the move allows. Patience.

Life continues to surprise and befuddle.

metlwolf — Thu, 15 Apr 2004 12:20:25 GMT

Yes, it has been a while.

Not dead, no. If anything, perhaps more alive than usual. Just very busy, very hungry, very sleep deprived...

...and pleased. Very pleased.

I apologize for my negligent sparsity of posts. My recent computer time has been spent conversing with the most... fascinating... lady. At great length. About anything. Every subject, no matter how trivial, seeming to take on importance and life when shared with her. Titans of life's moments being coaxed into the light of her attentive curiosity, and meeting their twins from her side of the conversation. Intimacy of intellect, my dearest reader, is a gift I do not taste with delicacy. No, indeed, I drink deep when offered that particular libation, for it is oh so very rare to find and I crave it always.

And she is intoxicating.

The move preparations continue, and I call my father today to see just what the odd situation of the Idaho Falls house has matured into. I have purchased a coffee bean grinder, that my first cup of coffee in the new location will be especially good. I have considered new software for the first time in years in preparation for a computer of my own soon. I have no negatives hanging on my shoulders today, though the sky pours rain outside. I feel relaxed. Resolutions, all pleasant, promise an exodus from Lewiston that will be quietly dignified, well-remembered, and fully positive. All bridges are intact, all fears cowed and hissing harmlessly from their little niches, all past agonies wearing the faces of tests for a storybook hero.

And someone unforgettable thinks I'm unforgettable too.

Though I suffer urges to gush and burble like an idiot twitterpated schoolboy today, I am in the same breath alert, reserved, cautious. But in a good way, with no fear. I've been allowing chaos its sway recently without fighting the tide, as I did long ago in youth, and all is working well. I will be patient. I will be vigilant. I will enjoy every moment, so none will be left unappreciated, unsavored.

I will find the right moment when the flurry of leaves that is my life settles into an inviting pile of color. I will, in that undetermined moment, allow myself the selfish-sweet, raucous leap into it. And I will meet her.

Let's not start throwing around overused cliches here, or presuming anything beyond the obvious, or hoping beyond the day and the simple goodness of situation I find myself wallowing in, this rainy April day.

(he whispers to himself as the rainbow forms)

Fast and furry, us.

metlwolf — Fri, 09 Apr 2004 12:28:50 GMT

I'm in Nezperce again.

Moving is so very tiring, yet here I am.
Complications worry me, yet here I remain.
Benedict Hamster is displaced, and she stays, bless her.

Soon, stability. Soon, rest. Soon, I'll see if this strain is worthwhile, and if the risks I'm taking are genuinely best for me in the long run.

All, soon.

For now, strain. Risk. Stress.
And home-cooked meals.

Silver linings abound.

More later.

I could have told anyone this.

metlwolf — Wed, 31 Mar 2004 19:44:48 GMT

Take the quiz: "Blades!"

Broad Sword
You are personal power and internal strength. You are not the fastest but you get the job done like no one else.

More later.

A busy day for all and me, it would seem.

metlwolf — Sat, 27 Mar 2004 14:23:12 GMT

Greetings once again.

My time is short so I *may* not feel compelled to LJ-cut this one. :::sigh::: And I was SO looking forward to it... :::smirks:::

Blessed cool skies, mostly overcast but for spears of sunlight to color the trees and warm my car to a perfect comfort level. The air is alive today, clean and crisp with the dying Spring and cycled across the rippling grass in cool, refreshing gulps, portents of a potent storm. Dead leaves dance near the window by which I sit, writing this for us all, and they call to me. Soon I'll be out among them, seeking coffee's more graceful elder sister, and the brilliant jewel of inspiration...

Blessedly, I am gaming today, and did last night as well. Creativity again, escapism again, acceptance again. Though the fold is still tense (and, strangely, I find the tension almost gratifying now, as I've never apologized and do not plan to for either love shared or the honest reactions to situations out of my control,) I have been tentatively welcomed back into it. Thus, not only am I recognized as a wild-card, which appeals, I am gifted once more with a family to feel close to, to anchor me in my stormy life should I choose to allow it. Perhaps, for a time, I will.

Selfishness. Perhaps, though know I simply take the positions of all pieces into account before I move my queen. Never foolishly. Never in haste. As has been advised, I have decided to take the world by my own slow, graceful chimes, not the frantic ticking of everyone else's stopwatch. As has been suggested, I have decided to keep true love's passions for a day of blessed rain, and protect only those who ask, rather than asking always if I may protect. As has been exemplified, I have decided to look out over the wind-washed cliffs, and leap for the glorious whitecapped seas I long for, rather than stand in safe mediocrity for the remainder of my geological eyeblink of a life and watch in envy as others spread their wings.

I, my friends and gentle readers, have decided to be what I am destined to be, for good or ill. Myself.

And, I've decided, I'd best be about it if I'm going to do it right.

Yes, tomorrow I may be laid low again. I'll still struggle with the lashes of my own doubt, my own lack of trust. But for today, dear ones, for THIS DAY...

...and I owe much to you.

Moonlight. Blessings.
More later.

I have friends, and more gratitude for them than can be expressed.

metlwolf — Fri, 26 Mar 2004 14:27:27 GMT

I am famished at the moment, and unfortunately I believe the library will not be open late, so further reply may be delayed until tomorrow.

All who know me know my way, that my loyalty and thankfulness are real and everlasting.

Food. Thought. Reflection on advice given and well-taken.

More later.

Another day comes gently and eternally to a close...

metlwolf — Thu, 25 Mar 2004 22:38:59 GMT

...and yet again, I'll LJ-cut the contents thereof.

It seems to me there is no end to the rough trail, though I know an end is out there. I am of two minds here: one that feels the certainty of pointlessness in all I do, and the more rational part of me that insists there is more life to be had if I would only reach out and seize it. I wonder, have others in depression found this second voice? The conflict can be exhausting. It would please me to silence the other, negative half, but it is a powerful force, that one. And, truly, would I remain myself without it?

One wonders.

I know the darkness is equal to the light, the balance maintained by all life (except humankind) on this planet. One must draw in to let out, one must destroy to create. This is the cycle, and it has ever been so. I have no argument with this.

What annoys me is my inability to get on with the life I need. Something, some FEAR, sits shivering in the darkness I contain, and will not creep forth even for the purpose of identification. I have pleaded with it, raged at it, even tried to join it in the little cave of self-denial and illusionary security. All in vain. It still refuses to be quantified. This nameless fear holds at my ankles when I get out of bed, when I think of things that need doing, when I try to do them. It blinds me sometimes, makes me feel hopeless and worthless and friendless even when I KNOW these things are false.

I've heard theories about artistic people, famous authors, poets, etc., who suffer bouts of depression in cycles and create madly in between the dark valleys. Having felt this, having ridden the rollercoaster, so to speak, I tend to believe the postulations. With this foreknowledge, I should be able to avoid the end suffered by so many before me. I should be able to see the blaring evidences and act accordingly to prevent my own failures. I should use the good times to prepare and batten down for the low times. But this does not seem to work as well in practice as in planning.

I must reflect on this.

It has been suggested (rather simplistically, in my opinion,) that I seek therapy and that this step will make everything fine. Therapy and drugs - all better! Bright and sunny.

I do not trust therapists, psychologists and their ilk in general, nor tan gracefully, thank you. I've seen the result of some drug "treatments." No, no, and no. >>>DISCLAIMER<<< I'm sure many are quite satisfied with their treatment plans, and I intend no insult. You are strong for taking your troubles by the reins. What I refer to above is shoddy medicine in isolated circumstances, observed second-hand as it was being inflicted on friends and loved-ones. It has soured my taste for psychiatric medicine, like seeing breeding flies in a bakery case might kill one's appetite for a cinnamon danish.

To elaborate, I trust a total of :::counts::: five people on this planet, and refuse to list them lest that knowledge be taken advantage of. This puts the therapist comment into perspective nicely, yes?

I am learning to trust, at my own pace. It is not easy. I love far more easily than I trust. Strange, isn't it? Affection, superficial love, and lust do not require trust for me. Intimacy, honest and deep love, romance and passion... these require trust. Once given, it is complete. Once betrayed, I am vengeful to a point that frightens even me. :::sigh::: I have an extreme personality here, and cannot bring myself to be apologetic for it.

I am told the library will be closing soon, and so must abbreviate. Perhaps I can expand this thought tomorrow, after food and sleep.

More later.

In case there was any doubt...

metlwolf — Wed, 24 Mar 2004 17:29:37 GMT

Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis.
"You do not know the power of the Dark
Side." There are two possibilities: you
are a Star Wars geek, or you are unreasoningly
scary.

Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'll leave it to others which option fits me best.
Personally, I think it will be a split vote.

More later.

#%$@& quizzes...

metlwolf — Tue, 23 Mar 2004 20:29:32 GMT

Alright now, do we all see a pattern forming here? :::grumble::: Why bother filling these out when they all say the same thing? :::sigh:::

Your wings are DRAGON wings. Massive and
covered in scales, they shimmer with strength
and magic. They are the most obvious display of
your power - though it runs equally throughout
your heart and mind. You are uncompromising and
grave, with a profound sense of justice. You
have firm ideas about what is right and what is
wrong and set out to fix what problems you can.
You realize that you are more capable of
dealing with life and evil than most, and as
such you see it as your responsibility to
protect those who cannot defend themselves. You
have existed since antiquity and as such you
are wise far beyond your years in this
lifetime. While you strive for fairness and
peace, if someone should steal from your cave
of treasure (though not all that glitters is
gold) or compromise the happiness of you or one
who is close to you - they have signed their
death warrant. You have a mighty vengeance and
will unleash it upon such people immediately
and mercilessly. Arguing with you is
useless...you rarely back down and are known
for holding firm in your beliefs. Sometimes you
feel intensely burdened with the troubles of
others...acting as a Guardian can get so
wearisome. But you never give up...you see it
as your life's mission. Often very introverted,
you can be so smart...it's scary. Such a
combination of intelligence, creativity, power,
beauty, and magic is often intimidating to
those around you - who are also unlikely to
understand you. Arrogant, proud, overserious,
and sometimes a bit greedy or obsessed with
whatever treasure you choose to pursue...you
have enchanted people for centuries, and will
continue to do so.

Image
Source:http://www.ai.mit.edu/people/pkamvyss/www/album/art/pictures/dragon.jpg

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

Someday I will find a quiz I can resist.
Then proptly fall dead of heart failure.

More later.

Natal chart, most of which is dead-on.

metlwolf — Tue, 23 Mar 2004 16:14:28 GMT

Below is my natal chart, obtained from...
http://www.alabe.com/freechart/

(There are only a few points where I disagree. Perhaps due to the inexact knowledge of my time of birth. I have noted my own observations. If any of you who know me disagree, please let me know - my observations are hardly unbiased.)

Rising Sign is in 27 Degrees Cancer (Spot-on.)
Very sensitive by nature, you prefer to be in your own familiar surroundings. Cautious and conservative, you make changes in your life only very slowly, if at all. You do not open up easily to strangers. Friendships are made for life, however -- once given, your trust is forever. Your mother, your home as a child and your early family life in general are very important to you. You are also very sentimental. When you feel self- confident, you are gentle, giving and protective of the needs of others. But when you feel insecure or threatened, you become overly sensitive to criticism, shy, withdrawn and moody. You have a strong need for security -- in the sense that you are being loved, nourished and protected.

Sun is in 03 Degrees Scorpio. (Wouldn't change a thing.)
Intense and complex by nature, you have extremely strong emotional reactions to most situations. Feelings are often very difficult for you to verbalize. Therefore you have a tendency to be very quiet - - to brood and think a lot. You seldom get overtly angry, but, when you do, you are furious and unforgiving. When you make an emotional commitment, it is total -- you are not attracted to superficial or casual relationships. If you are challenged, you take it as a personal affront and tend to lash out and fight back in a vengeful manner. You love mysteries and the supernatural. A good detective, you love getting to the roots of problems and you enjoy finding out what makes other people tick. You are known to be very willful, very powerful and quite tenacious!

Moon is in 26 Degrees Taurus. This is true to a point - I'm terrible with money.)
Warmth, comfort, security and familiar surroundings are necessary for you to feel at ease. Very loving and affectionate, you prefer a steady, patterned way of life. Patient, calm and steadfast, you are not easily upset. Others look to you for support. You tend to be a slow starter and a slow mover -- others may try to rush you, but they will never succeed. Emotionally, you are quite stubborn -- your attitudes about people and things were firmly set in your youth and will change very little as an adult. You are also very cautious and conservative about spending money. It is not that you are selfish, you just need to feel secure. Beware of a tendency to become overly complacent and too self-satisfied.

Mercury is in 21 Degrees Libra. (Accurate.)
You are known for not jumping to conclusions about things. You tend to weigh all possible choices very carefully before making a decision. When in the slightest amount of doubt, you will compromise rather than ruffle any feathers. You are a true raconteur of culture and taste -- your ideas and opinions are neat, elegant and refined. A born diplomat, you dislike discord so much that you will go out of your way to make others feel comfortable and at ease. You speak softly and pleasantly.

Venus is in 12 Degrees Libra. (I oscilate between needing company and needing solitude. The rest is accurate.)
A very friendly and outgoing person, you hate to be alone. Beware of a continuing tendency to compromise yourself in order to avoid being lonely. Try to be yourself, not what others would like you to be. You have an innate desire to be in refined and elegant surroundings and will go out of your way to create a plush and comfortable atmosphere around you. You have heightened aesthetic sensibilities and are attracted to music and the arts. Try to avoid using your well-known seductive charm in order to get out of doing what you consider to be dirty work!

Mars is in 23 Degrees Capricorn. (Here, I do not judge others by status or prestige and never have. I'm more judgemental about personal honor.)
Extremely ambitious, you are willing to work very hard to reach the goals you have set for yourself. Very practical, cautious and conservative, you demand tangible results for your efforts. You need to excel in whatever you do, and you have the required sense of responsibility, dedication and self-discipline to bring it about. Beware of your tendency to judge others only by their degree of status and prestige, or by how well they will be able to advance you in your climb to the top.

Jupiter is in 20 Degrees Libra. (Me. Very, very me.)
You are generally good at balancing opinions and judging issues, but you tend to be indecisive when it comes to making up your own mind. You are objective and quite concerned with fair play and justice. But, when it comes to yourself, you are so aware that whatever you do might upset the apple cart that you often choose to compromise rather than do anything that might make you lonely or vulnerable. Relationships are very important to you -- you learn about yourself and grow through observing yourself interacting with others. Your aesthetic tastes are refined, but expansive and expensive.

Saturn is in 05 Degrees Taurus. (Though occasionally withdrawn, and often absorbed in thought, I do not see myself as either stingy or selfish. What little I have I give freely in times of need, and I have no particular attachment to having material things.)
Complete freedom of choice makes you ill at ease. You must have a firm, ordered, secure foundation in your life in order to feel comfortable. You do not adapt easily and tend to fear the new and untried. You constantly fear that you do not have enough (love, property, material things, etc.) and this makes you tend toward being selfish, withdrawn and stingy. If you try to surround yourself with supportive people in your environment, you will become more emotionally self-supporting.

Uranus is in 06 Degrees Libra. (True. Non-jealous but monogamous by nature.)
You, as well as your entire peer group, have a very free, unstable and unconventional approach to relationships and emotional commitments. You will be attracted to experiments in marriage and shared lifestyles. Personal freedom is more important to you than entangling emotional bonds. In the realm of art and aesthetics, you are attracted to the bizarre, shocking and unusual.

Neptune is in 27 Degrees Scorpio. (Spot-on, except the drugs part. Never have, never will.)
You, and your entire generation, are extremely interested in anything deep and mysterious. You will explore and idealize the benefits that can accrue from the study of the occult, healing and psychology. You are willing to experiment with substances like drugs in order to push your understanding of your inner being to the extreme.

Pluto is in 26 Degrees Virgo. (True so far.)
For your entire generation, this will be a time when profound changes in society's attitude toward work, duty and responsibility will be initiated. Radical changes in attitudes toward personal health and general nutrition will be promulgated and gain wide acceptance and practice.

N. Node is in 20 Degrees Pisces. (Definitely me.)
You're attracted to others who need your assistance. You seem to go out of your way to form relationships with those who are weak, sick, injured, addicted or troubled in some way or other. At your best you can indeed provide the relief that others need. But at times you can be victimized by those who would prey on your good nature and take advantage of you. This can lead to all sorts of negative situations -- make sure that those you assist are truly worthy of your time, energy and commitment. A little enlightened self-protectiveness on your part can make your life work much, much smoother!

And so. I assume this makes me a Scorpio Sun / Taurus Moon / Cancer Ascendant... ? Good heavens.

A quiet day...

metlwolf — Tue, 23 Mar 2004 15:31:30 GMT

I am contemplating friends today, and the various pieces of life that make it the experience it is.

And so.

What's on my mind today are the individual parts of not only my life, but those of my loved ones. Shared experience fascinates me. I observe things through my little defective filter as you do, gentle reader, but somehow, through the medium of shared experience, these things take on meaning, a depth so much more powerful than my individual interpretation can muster that it beggars the imagination.

Take, for instance, depression. (Yes yes, I know, so many more pleasant things to think about like daisies and baklava and such, but bear with me.) In reading the entry of a passing acquaintance that's focused mainly on a depressed frame of mind, I was taken back not only to my own depression of recent days, but to its culmination, its aftermath, and its ultimate dispersal, which I look forward to in the near future.

Here's the fun part. The realization that, as an individual, I could say, "I was depressed. End of story." As one thread of a shared experience, however, I can say, "I was depressed, but learned something I can now share. If you learn the same thing and share it, as I'm willing to, this solution could affect the lives of hundreds or even thousands of people I do not and will never know." This fascinates me, this domino effect. Instinct is built of such things... the fear of fathomless water, or of falling. The fear of an insect only a thousandth of a person's bodymass, or of other environmental hazards. The solutions to these fears... avoidance, violence, right down to the biochemical reactions and interactions between our smallest cells... come from shared experience. Will the reflex of joy in a quiet day, as my solution, be built in to some future generation as a solution to a bout of depression, as a cough is built into an itch in the throat to me?

Hmm.

I'll be satisfied if my experiences help my friends. But it would be interesting to know if the future could be changed by something that is, against the backdrop of my time frame, so trivial.

Enough for now.

Caffeine. Calories.

More later.

As an aside...

metlwolf — Mon, 22 Mar 2004 20:45:25 GMT

And this is a surprise to... who?

Nemesis

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

:::chuckles::: More later.

An unfortunate lapse of health has distracted me.

metlwolf — Mon, 22 Mar 2004 17:49:45 GMT

I apologize to all I have been tardy responding to. I have been the recipient of a lovely little bug floating around the Lewiston area, and have been suffering through an unwelcome reaquaintance with my box of Kleenex. :::snuffle::: I am, as they say, on the mend.

That accounts for yesterday. Over the weekend I was acquiring money. Yay. (You may be able to tell by my lack of enthusiasm that I value money very little. I'd rather be broke and happy... and well.) I think I may have caught the aforementioned cold whilst handling said cash. There's a lesson here. Money comes with baggage, always. :::grumble:::

In any case, I am still on an upswing and riding it happily, Kleenex and all. The day outside is the Summer I would have had I my choice: about 75 to 80 degrees, breezy, sunny. People enjoying themselves in the afternoon sun. Good moods. Women jogging around in spandex, which can only be a good thing. (Forgive me, gentle readers, for my maleness. It is... unavoidable.) I have my customary $4 tucked in my pocket. My lovely, lovely vehicle has fuel. I have (Yes!) FOOD at home today, and for once was able to give my landlord a chunk of rent early rather than late with a confident promise that the rest will be on time. I breakfasted on a banana dipped in yogurt. (Strawberry cheesecake flavored yogurt, so don't think I've given up on being a gastronomical hedonist just yet.) Appetite is returning. I have to consume cough drops by the handful, but at least they're the good-tasting cherry kind. All, my nose naturally excepted, is well.

I have been informed in one of the most pleasant letters I have e'er received that my best friend misses me, accompanied by drawings of miscellaneous fruit and Chinese candy, hence my drive to get moolah. (Hunger, as my small following might already know, is a driving force in my life. I like to keep my impeti simple.) The expression of her missing me was both pleasure and pain. I love knowing that I am valued by one I in turn value so highly, and I miss her back, daily, in ways I cannot begin to express. Nothing can be done to asuage the longing I sometimes have to share her company. That, dear ones, is torturous.

The card is hanging on my refrigerator, A) because it reminds me of what SHOULD BE in the refrigerator and B) because it makes me feel valuable every time I look at it, every time I go out or come in the door. I am valued by someone I love and miss. It bears repeating.

The worst of it is that I can't manage a good jealous foam against the man she is currently with. He makes her happy, which is something I dearly desire to have happen. In doing so, he has well earned the honor of her love, to my mind. The pain comes not from her being with another person, but from her not being close enough to share life with on a daily basis, as was my habit. :::sigh::: I miss our walks, and the special blends of syrups, cream and deep affection in my daily coffee. I miss my Samm. Nothing else will do. Her joy in a distant place is my only consolation, and if my well-wishes on the subject are heard, it will never end. Catch-22 my friends. It's a sad smile, but still a smile.

I am here if I am needed. I offer all. Such am I with my loved-ones.

On a note that might just amuse my California-based cohort, I was determined last night to have some entertainment from my little monetary shot-in-the-arm, so it was to Hastings I went... thus the Halo soundtrack.

Thence also came the DVD, "Najica: Blitz Tactics." Volumes one and two.

Oh my. Good heavens. Jesus Christ Bananas.

Wish you'd been there. Ne'er have I seen SO VERY MANY deliberately angled gratuitous panty shots in an anime. Never. They must have gone in with a quota. The DVD commentary from the actresses and actors was a giggle fit waiting to happen. (The actors were laughably lecherous and tipsy, and the actresses were obnoxiously high on energy drinks because the producers wouldn't let them have saki.) If you have not seen this, you should, just for the pure fun of saying you did. After a very short time, all you can do is shake your head at it. When I have more than $4 again, I'm going in to rent volume 3.

Sometimes being a male is a very good, very amusing thing.

I am going to go across the way soon, after responding to those I have neglected by absence, and scam caffeine. Being better (or getting there, in any case,) I expect to be making regular entries again, and welcome comments as usual.

Moonlight and Blessings.

A few new icons, and I am well-pleased.

metlwolf — Wed, 17 Mar 2004 15:22:55 GMT

Today is good. Cool and cloudy, but with sun this morning to warm the inside of my car before the refreshing rain-scented chill of afternoon settled over the city. I drove out with the windows down, savoring the contrast of this warmth and the fresh, cleansing wind. Drops began to fall as I reached my favored parking place near library and coffee both. Cold spats of rain felt good on my face as I left the morning heat of the car and walked here. Waves and smiles from attractive people I worked with. Soft, resolute tapping of keys around me. Quiet, friendly whispers at other cubicles, sometimes in Japanese, sometimes in other languages I do not recognize. I am comfortable. I am, for the time being, without pain.

I feel closer to the world today than I usually do. Perhaps the coming equinox offers a taste of balance to a life recently ruled by chaos. I welcome this feeling.

Last night was very good for me. I spent time with friends who I'd not long ago alienated to an unfortunate degree, and it was less awkward than it's been recently. Perhaps they'll forgive my... offenses... and accept me again. Though I do not depend on this, or hang too many expectations upon it, it would be nice to have the smiles around me be unforced. I went home late, and had a mediocre but huge helping of beans and ham (first food of the day at midnight, so I was NOT picky) and after my ravenousness was assuaged, set about baking pumpkin pies. Too hot to eat and too full to eat them, but I fell asleep to the smell. My living space is small, and the aroma was intoxicating.

Woke to the abovementioned weather, enjoyed a third of a pie for breakfast with hot cider replacing my normal morning's sweet tea, and off I went into the cooling day. Rent is taken care of. Food and coffee hurry toward a reunion with my system. Perhaps friends I thought lost are not so. (I'll add a stray observation later :::ties string around paw:::)

:::sigh:::

Contentment. These are the days I look back to when life darkens. :::raises cup to absent friends::: If only you were here to enjoy it with, 'twould be the best of times.

To your health and happiness.

Moonlight and Blessings.
More later.

And here we are again...

metlwolf — Tue, 16 Mar 2004 15:15:15 GMT

I've been drawing again.

To most of you, this may be a very mundane thought. For me, it is an amazing return to a part of myself I've been avoiding for some time.

To avoid filling the screens of my respected contemporaries with an ambush of my blather, I've

Anyway. Drawing.

It felt... like home. Lost in a comfort and focus so smooth it bent time and pain and sensorium around me like a slipstream. I looked down, and carbon met paper... I paused, looked, and there was a face looking back at me from the page, and four hours had passed, and I realized my back was spasming near the break and had been for some time, and I was hungry. Damn. I've missed this, just didn't realize how much.

There are unnamed detractors (ahem) who have told me my art lacks life... that the detail I pour into the the drawings ad-nauseum robs them of spontaneity and dynamic power. To this (most dear) critic, I say, at last, that I've realized something. It's not what the artwork does for other people that makes it art in my eye, it's what the artwork does to me. It transports me from this place... sets me gently in the perfect center of a sea of memory and imagination and power, and cradles me there in safe warmth and complete comfort, no matter the physical reality of my body. I could draw without sleep, food, health... all would be as nothing before the power of the act of creation. The drawings have life for me, my dear, and wings they'll share for the price of a pittance of time.

If I never, ever sell another drawing, it would still be so to me. Each pencil-stroke represents a memory, a moment, in bliss. That is life to me. If others like them too, so be it.

I know, if the wrong tonal inflection is mentally implied by the reader of the above, it might sound harsh or defensive where it is not intended to. It was imagined in an introspective tone, in the happiest of conversational circumstances - self-revelation. And, to the abovementioned artist (whose work I admire for its fluidity and surreal sensuality,) thank you for inspiring the focus of epiphany. Our conversations, as you see, are remembered well.

I may not always have agreed, but I was always listening. Know that you've been appreciated today.

Now, my stomach calls, and as always, I must needs answer. Forgive me.

Moonlight and Blessings, in art's name.

You were warned.

metlwolf — Sun, 07 Mar 2004 19:37:21 GMT

Here I am again.

Darkness has fallen, and I am ravenous. Breakfast has not sustained me for as long as I'd hoped. So be it, time to gorge. I am thinking... hot dogs. Ketchup-laden. Hmm. Or potatoes with chicken and gravy (more complicated, yet more satisfying.)

If you were expecting more depth than this, I apologize. I am, unfortunately, ruled by my stomach. Such is life.

Teriyaki place was closing as I arrived, so I helped instead of sipping coffee at leisure, as is my preference. Cleaning up was mostly done, so I'll have to survive on my own cooking skills tonight. (microwave + food = cooking skills) My deeper thoughts have been eclipsed by the lack of calories and caffeine in my body.

This leads to a smaller realization... I have continued losing weight. I believe it is the mix of my depression (damn, damn and damn,) with the coming season, which naturally heralds the shedding of winter pounds for me. Another Hmm. I've had people ask me with obvious concern why I continue to lose weight. I answer, for the sake of brevity, "Dunno."

Yes, a talent for fine verbal detail have I.

When I left St. Joseph a couple of years ago (has it REALLY been that long???)I weighed around 260#, not bad considering I'm a solidly-built 6'6". Comfortable. I am now a more sleek 225#. Granted I walk several miles almost daily and eat healthier (grilled foods, salad and rice mostly, for their lack of having to be paid for, even if they are lovingly smothered in ranch dressing,) but looking at the numbers brings it home. I'm used to seeing me daily. I don't visually register the loss.

Last Hmm.

Hot dogs, yes. I'll consider the chicken late tonight, when I am not so hungry. Then I'll have a good snack with leftovers for tomorrow. Most excellent. This plan plus the book "Jedi Search" (mediocre read... sloppy character and background handling in my decidedly non-humble opinion) will put me nicely to sleep, and I'll be ready for the rigors of tomorrow: the hunting down of professor signatures. My future awaits.

Not terribly exciting. As I said, you've been warned.

Thanks for looking in on me though. I'm alright tonight.

Moonlight and Blessings, and a peaceful hug for those I wish were here with me.