Know Thyself

i just want to be REAL and let the chips fall where they may!

shannonkringen — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 16:30:44 GMT

in case you wanna "listen" to what is going on with my inner self here is my latest:
i wanna let go of trying to PROVE anything to anyone. i just want to be REAL and let the chips fall where they may!

i am AWAKE to how much of a 'CHAMELEON' i have been in my relationships- bending myself to fit others. does not work. fake. not truth

i see how phony i have been much of my life. the 'real' me only comes out a little here & there. TIME 2 be more honest with Self & others. maybe i am being to HARSH on myself though cuz i see mostly i have HIDDEN my real self and repressed my truth and sometimes yes i have lied to others and also tried to believe my own lies! i thought i "should" be a certain way and tried to force myself to fit into a mold i didn't fit in. i had self doubt and was confused about who i really was...ouch.

i can see why some people have felt so hurt by me and gotten mad at me. i can also see why i feel so miserable at times. makes perfect sense. i now have more compassion for myself AND i also feel i can finally start forgiving in many directions. self forgiveness and ex boyfriend forgiveness, childhood issue forgiveness etc. Self HEALING finally i hope...

i have also been phony when putting up with abuse from others. pretending like i can take it or denying it's even happening to me or blaming myself when OTHERS abuse me. ouch. i know to really love myself is to STAND up for my boundaries and not take shit from others. they have their shit and i have mine. BOUNDARY-SOLID

it's funny that over the last 15 years the people who appreciate my weekly show Goddess KRING tell me they admire me because i am "not worried about what others think" and i "am true to my real self" etc. i suppose on some of my videos and here in live journal i HAVE been almost fully honest about parts of my real self BUT in my personal life not so much. i have all this subtext in my relationships with others and mostly i AVOID being close to people altogether. i have done all kinds of strange passive aggressive things in relationships. very dysfunctional! the person i am most honest with in my personal life is my mom and my therapist and MY CAT! ha.

i think i have this DEEP DEEP shame about so many things. emotional needs, sexual needs, personal freedom needs and i have this very foggy confusion about who the real me is. what does shannon really want? i have shame about my desire for ATTENTION.

i have ex boyfriends in my head telling me what i would guess they think AND i have my parents in my head (not really saying it to me= they only did when i was kid) in my head i think "what would my mom say, what would my dad say...) there is NO ROOM for ME to have a voice.

that explains why i fell SO DEEPLY in love with the first tori amos song i heard called "silent all these years" brought me to tears from the first listen on.

i also see now how much I PROJECT onto others. (i thought it was mostly others projecting onto me. yes that happens...but now i see how much I PROJECT! i have big personal baggage/demons to shed.

i have really only felt like the true me when i am alone mostly! i feel safe to be my real self when ALONE with no one around to judge me.

that explains why i like to videotape myself doing monologues. it frees me up to share myself with others (sad it's not directly- but i feel safer in front of cameras than live people)

i cannot bear to keep myself REPRESSED all the time. i need to COME OUT and express and be real.

i think some of my Goddess Kring videos are the real me FULL OUT bravely and some of my Goddess Kring videos are me being fake/acting wearing different masks of who i WISH I COULD BE or who i think someone else wants me to be or some voice in my head that tells me i "should" be this or that way... and TRYING REAL hard to please others or even to piss others off sometimes! the rebel in me comes out via video sometimes AND the 'obedient' passive one also.

i also feel like my true self when taking photos...

the best "true self" feeling i have had with others is with the lovers i have had in my past where the connection was deep and real and primal and i was able to let go and speak the sensual language with certain people. only a few men i have been lovers with seem to have the "key" to unlock the hidden me...or maybe it was just certain lovers "spoke the same language as me" in bed at least! (painfully, i have made the mistake of also dating people i was not very attracted to and i tried to make it work with them- and it only hurt them and me both when i was dishonest in this way)

i do long to meet someone who i can communicate with as a friend, lover, companion, intellectually stimulating partner, creative partner, sexual partner, all the levels. that would be bliss.

I KNOW that to attract a healthy partner/loverman into my life i need to be healthy too! to "match him". one thing i am talking about with my therapist is "raising my inner child" she says it seems that i GIVE MY INNER child away to my boyfriends and expect the boyfriend to take care of her. only I can take care of my inner child my therapist says. boyfriends can love and care for the adult me- and I need to keep the inner child me safe and happy etc.

there is a book my therapist recommends called "how to be an adult" i will read that. i really do want to heal and grow and keep my child like curiousity and enthusiasm and creative free flow-pippi longstocking self AND also mature and have more "adult" type relationships!

i also feel like my real self when taking care of animals. i connect very well with animals. i have no reason to wear a mask to protect myself! animals don't JUDGE ME and i don't judge them= what a RELIEF.

in person i tend to be quiet, shy, withdrawn, holding back. i even literally feel like i tip toe sometimes to not make too much noise. even when i am figure modeling i feel myself trying to be a good model but not TOO GOOD. like i fear being too 'self indulgent' or on some 'ego/power' trip. i tend to feel like i 'SHRINK' myself assuming it will make others feel better. creepy demon! when i do that it leads me anger at self and jealousy of others who "SHINE" while i dim my light to make room for others. ugh! ...and to make matters MORE COMPLICATED= i also hold myself back for fear of being rejected by others. so i fear BOTH success and failure. DOUBLE BIG OUCH

i need to be FREE of this "script"

i want out of my CAGE!

all this repressing myself leads to PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE behavior. things are bottled up and then pop they come out in others less direct/honest ways. it's me trying to BALANCE MYSELF out but it does harm to myself and others when i am PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE. i see this now.

i have been so cruel to myself. so judgmental. i feel like maybe i can finally HEAL NOW. i am learning to "see" my dark side without beating myself up for having it. self compassion is very important.

so, to sum up i am having major insights...and realize i have done many fake things AND many real things and this confuses not only me but other people who don't know what to make of me. judging someone as "all or nothing" is unfair and not based on the true complexity of a human being.

people that know i have been phony have judged me harshly. this has hurt me. i feel like "hey just cuz i screwed up in some ways...dont throw my good parts of me out with the bad". i know if i heal my self doubt and trust that i CAN and MUST be my real self i can have healthy connections with others.

(sad...i hear a train horn in the distance and miss my ex lover from a few years ago. he lives near some train tracks and i loved hearing the trains sounds when in bed with him...but he didn't wanna "be my boyfriend" only my lover and i wanted more than just a lover. sad ending.)

i wanna let go of trying to PROVE anything to anyone. i just want to be REAL and let the chips fall where they may!

i think it's great i am so self aware internally. i just hope i can take ACTION that matches this wisdom and have the guts to live it out loud in my work like, art projects AND personal relationships.

ALSO THANK GODUS i have my spiritual higher awareness more "equanimous" part of myself that sees beyond the "duality" of good/bad us/them me/him child/adult yin/yang right/wrong failure/success happy/sad all those polar opposites go round and round birthing and dying and moving like clouds in the big open sky. so i know we are not the clouds. we are the sky experiencing the clouds. WITNESSING the movement. we can choose what we focus on and what we let go of. i wanna try some new ways of being

Cheers, Shannon Kringen
http://www.shannonkringen.com/

Bleak House

portolan — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 20:47:28 GMT

I lived in a duplex in the summer of 1987. I was on summer break from college, and (in a dedicated move of independence) I didn't want to live with my parents. So, I got my own place.

I was working two jobs and getting home really late at night. And even though in the eyes of any observer I was living alone, I wasn't really. I was living with Bruce Springsteen.

I had a cassette tape of Nebraska. And I played that thing ragged. The national fad that Born in the U.S.A. had become was still lingering in the nation's collective mind. But, for me, it was all about Nebraska. It felt like I had unlocked an old trunk in the attic and found a treasure that no one knew about.

When I was younger, I had friends who would listen to an album rock station out of Dallas. Some of them stayed up one night recording The River. Then, they dedicated long hours to meticulously pouring over cassette tapes (there were two), pausing and rewinding, so the lyrics could be written down in a spiral notebook for reference and memorization.

By virtue of the fact I knew people that committed to Springsteen, I had written off the possibility that he could be cool or have any talent. But, in that musty old duplex, late at night, I was baptized in the bleakness of the Nebraska tracks, austere and unforgiving.

My little 9-inch black-and-white TV only picked up one local station, since I didn't have cable. So, my entertainment came from the old jambox, and I was an assiduous listener to the tales told by The Boss.

I'm occasionally visited by memories of those bygone days when I'd wake in the middle of the night and shuffle around the duplex. The wooden floors creaked, and there was no furniture other than my twin bed and the sleeper sofa in the living room left by a previous tenant.

I felt very transitory.

Poetry and Prose by Tamara Amanda Bryant

tamarabryant — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 04:40:39 GMT

My first book, "Stumbling and Mumbling", has been published and is up for sale! It is a book with my poetry and prose. The writing in this book covers issues like domestic violence, love, death, mourning, revenge, suicide, addictions, growing up, and finding oneself.

I am selling it for only $7.99!

If you are interested in ordering a copy, click below:

An Introspective Notion On Normality

illuins_lair — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 21:50:38 GMT

Ladies and Gentlemen, something has landed:

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. And if I consider it a lot - it means way out of my normal thinking cap, like huuuuge amounts of thoughts passing through my already overwrought brain. Anyway, and this is not even a new thought, but one I didn’t want to think about that much because there wasn’t enough room in there. (Let’s just say that thinking is my obsession lately.)

What I have come to realise is that: 1) I’m not very normal, and 2) I hate the word Normal. God knows if I ever was considered that among all the things people think me of. But I’m kind of ok with that not normal way of being. If people want to love me, I demand to be loved despite the fact that I’m a bit peculiar, because Love is a choice. Even for parents, although that must be considered radical. But friends - definitely. And partners - hell yeah!

I know my "good" and "bad" sides. I drink too much, smoke too much, talk too much, think too much, stay up until 5 in the morning, obsess over details, leave the dishes for a week, forget to eat, never remember important things, am always late, can’t finish any fucking thing I start with, and I can never make choices when there’s too many options. / Like for example. I got this idea that I wanted to wear glasses. Ok, so now I’m sitting here with four pairs (which is good because I can never find them if I had only two). One for every mood I’m in. Or perhaps one for every season. Or one in every colour? Variety!! Why do I have to choose? Thing is: as far as it is possible - I Want It All.

But I actually like my little weirdness’s, because they make me Me. More people should be proud of the things that makes them special!

And with that in mind now:

Those boxes people likes to put other people in.. Making it so hard; even impossible, to fit in if there’s just one fucking box of stereotypes that would have to contain all of me!

I’m sorry but i just can’t. Its against the nature, my nature. (Or I’m just too clumsy to fit.) Too rebellious. Uncomfortable. I will start to question it. I will break the safety net of that cage, with my un-cinderellable feet. I don’t like to choose; meaning those definitive choices of commitment to a certain box. And when I’m saying "box" I mean all those structures that tells us how to behave and to be, to fit in.

Fitting in is not a virtue. It’s to be a lost sheep.

I can be a black sheep, but not a lost one, because no one knows my road.

I.can.not.be.limited.

Because maybe Now I’m like this, and Tomorrow like that.

Maybe I’m gay And straight.

Maybe I am a buddhist But maybe i am not.

Maybe I’m just anything + nothing.

Let’s just indulge in my more doubtable sides for a moment, shall we;

When I get intrigued by something, I´m starting out with a curiosity to explore, that will blind others. But I spend soooooo much time collecting all the details around the subject that in the end I grow tired of the main target and never starts it out even, continuing on to something else, because I bored myself on the way. And I leave another unfinished project aside. Which is of course a reason to that I know sooooo much about soooo many things and issues but I never really arrived anywhere with it at all. Wasted knowledge, I know.

I don’t have the same time as everyone else seem to have. I mean, I am aware of the paradox of time being invented by man and not really exists in the way we live by it. But how can all those other people fit it into their lives? I have constantly; without exceptions, either too much time or not enough. I don’t think that I have been anywhere in a place right on time. It’s hilarious, because it’s so fucking impossible that other people can and i cannot. Is there a secret that I’ve missed out on from birth? It is as if I had my own time, ticking slightly out of synch from the rest of the world. For me; a moment is an eternity and eternity a moment. Actually, it’s not Me having a trouble with my time, but people around me of course. But I suffer with them on my behalf.

I have so many dreams that they don’t even fit in onto my Vision Board. And I didn’t make the damn thing yet. I don’t know which one is bothering me most.

I sometimes sleep in a dress. (blue one with circles) Just because it’s beautiful.

And the first thing I ever saved money to buy, was a tiara. It may not be the most natural thing to do. But I do see a princess in the mirror every now and then.

I’m in love with words. Fabrics. Beautiful pictures. Movies. Things. People. Moments.

I talk to myself. I talk to my cat. I sometimes talk to people I don’t know.

I am a bohemian soul, I control creative chaos.

Sometimes I love Life. Sometimes I want to leave it.

I am caring and loving, my arms are always open for comfort, I’m funny in that self-ironical way, I’m a good listener, supportive towards other peoples lives and choices, I’m devoted to things and people I love and not judgmental against things and people I don’t love, they all co-exist around me.
And sometimes I’m egoistic, grumpy, obnoxious, unreasonable, hurting, bitchy and superficial. I can be a failure too. I can be anything anyone thinks. It’s just labels. And I am a paradox.

Does any of all these things make me an alien? What about all of them together? Are they Good/Bad? Yes and No.

As it is, no matter what i do, i will always be outside of some box, beyond the labels (god how i hate those, who invented them?), or impossibly annoying to some. And you know what.. it’s OK!

I have forgiven myself for everything. For not fitting in.

Not to get away with it as some bad excuse, just stopped resisting the fact that I’m only me. Whatever will be, I’ll always be Me. Isn’t that great! I stopped trying to be fucking Cinderella with too big feet, stopped pretending that glass-shoe would fit me. I.don´t.want.glass-shoe. My feet are just fine - because they’re mine!

Normality, I never wanted it. On the other hand I sometimes envy it, imagining that tranquillity it would fulfill to just have an.ordinary.life. But again; what the hell is that?

The ordinary times - are just moments that we missed on making something extraordinary with!

I don’t want to be a Cinderella-character. And yet, at times I envy those Cinderellas who slip into that shoe and it’s just perfect, that too. Seemingly the right size to have it all. But then I remind myself; My aim was never to be perfect.

I think perfection is the greatest myth of all.

I guess the conclusion is: I Am Perfectly Normal For A Person Like Me

(I think I´m human, in every possible way.)

A/N: Now, just for your information: The Cinderella-reference has nothing to do with any obsession from my side concerning that fairytale (I hardly envy her at all, and I would never in my life be able to understand how a shoe would symbolize living happily ever after, due to Prince Charming, I mean - do you honestly think he could not recognize the woman that stole his heart but had to test it with a shoe. And made of glass by the way, how uncomfortable and absolutely deadly would that be walking around in?! The whole story is wrenching and totally misleading for young girls. It might also have had a strong influence on the female fixation of buying tremendous amounts of shoes, right?) It was used as a metaphor for "Not Fitting In".

Sunday's poem :)

nancyclaire — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 01:26:41 GMT

Bravely I'll begin again
by: nancyclaire

I've been alone for 8 long years
and now, I've had enough
I'm not quite sure just how I feel
but some things must adjust

I know my journey's just begun
the road ahead is long
I've made mistakes and burned my brakes
and then I spun and spun

Enough's enough
I've got to try
The time is long since due

I shall return with open heart
And see the day is new

That was about being open to the possibility of romantic love.

Today's Poem

nancyclaire — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 15:43:29 GMT

Twirling flowers

by: nancyclaire

Children oft’ create the dance

While outside they decide

How each flower can be met

With lilies on each side

They simply pluck a flower’s steam

and turn it upside down

to plainly see a lady’s skirt

Soft petals, sweet and kind

For hours they, may be at play

While time is passing by

So happily they sit and stay

With field of flowers on their minds

Spring is Here!!!!

nancyclaire — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 16:00:06 GMT

Spring is upon us

by: nancyclaire

For many months the earth has been asleep

While blanketed in soft and gentle snow

With patience, we would sit around the fire

And sip our steaming mugs to watch the show

Our houses hummed, with conversations

Rich in content, warm in tone

For half the year we've all been waiting

And now, my friends, there’s no debating

The spring has finally come

my poetic prose for today

nancyclaire — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 15:12:03 GMT

Destiny precedes one’s destination

A poetic prose...

still not quite a pure poem!

by: nancyclaire

God gently calls our name

upon the morn’

While we walk amidst

The dewy grass

That boarders the bed of Our Lady’s roses

What pray tell, do such flowers represent

It is we her children who rely on her maternal protection

All our victories belong to her

Our reigning Queen of Heaven

She is wise and pure

The greatest human

A humble mother

Think then about your own life

Are you only thinking of the ends to justify the means

See how Mary simply said “yes” to God everyday of her life

She was poor, obedient, and because of faith

very brave

Each of us has a unique set of mini missions in life

If is not for us to decide the measure of our God given greatness

Rather, we are truly living when we follow our Lady

Who leads us step by step in the footprints of her son

Whom she knows more perfectly than any of us

Do the day

Let God lead you again tomorrow

Trust in the Lord

Worry not

“Life is a journey, NOT a destination”

(Someone said that...)!

Each day dawns a new begining

nancyclaire — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 19:11:36 GMT

Each day dawns a new beginning

Upon rising, I fill my lungs deeply with fresh air

Everything is become new.

The doves and robins sing their song

As clean clothes slide down over my shoulders.

Happily I rush downstairs for coffee and a bagel

Then I feed the indoor cat and outdoor squirrels and chipmunks

The air is alive with the musk of autumn that slept beneath the winters’ snow.

All is well in God’s abundant natural world.

Everywhere I look holds hope for a good day and a rich harvest for the summer.

Soon I shall plant tomato and cucumber seeds in little pots

With hope they will grow with great beauty and soon after

Plant them in the earth that has long awaited them.

At times I see myself as the earth in early spring.

I have lain dormant due to illness yet I find hope in God’s plan for my life.

“Consider the lilies of the field and the birds of the air”

See how good God is to them who have done nothing to deserve such mercy.

I am comforted in the knowledge of God’s even greater love for humankind!

Thanks be to God

I expect miracles everyday!

New Here...

nancyclaire — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 18:10:01 GMT

Hi
Just wondering...
Is there a goal to this group, or...
do we just write whatever we want that 's true to our personal nature?
Hope you'll help the newbee here :)
later ^_-

soul

poddarku — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 13:01:42 GMT

Soul
From the unripe fruits
a flavor of innocence
rises, distils soul.

how do you get rid of someone elses energy?

oraclereader — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 07:08:12 GMT

I'm not sure if I am the only one who experiences this.. maybe because my clairsentient ability is quite high, im not sure..

When I am talking to someone and or consulting with them I can easilty tune in to what they are feeling and react according to it.

I'm only asking because I had a person who I was reading for yesterday who was very very emotionally upset-
to the point of being angry and mad at her situation and just couldn't see the clairity that I was trying to offer her..

It was so hard for me to get rid of her energy link after the reading, that had to take a breather -literally- outside, to get in touch with natures natural positive energy and balance myself once again.

So here is the discussion question to which I am posting now.

Q: How do you as an empath get rido of the psychic link after the session is complete?

pbeatnik — Tue, 20 May 2008 18:18:43 GMT

North

I’m naked, coverless, cold, awake,
Listening to the rain, the quiet, peaceful rain,
Silence stirring sound around in drops of element;

My friend over there, the man on the bed,
Hears his dreams.
Snoring and lifting his tired legs to spin away my covers,
Tucked away under my warmth, he has entertainment.

My jaw hurts, aches with arthritis, and the stink of sleepy breath;
I wait for sleep, for my unconscious world,
The one I make better than this silent rainfall, silent questions;

Orange light peeks through black at the window,
Casting purple shade along his narrow arm,
I follow the shade with my finger tips,
Drifting them softly with the lever of my brain
Across my friend who lingers, there, beneath the covers,
Beneath the real, and over the rain, over the quiet, peaceful rain.

In sleep, there are the answers, behind a dark, distinguished door—
A happy path to nowhere and nothing.

pbeatnik — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 05:53:36 GMT

I fell in love so cautiously and quietly, I missed the whole thing! Now, I realize, as it has ended, that there is a small pang in my heart- as if someone has covered a tiny firecracker with a bucket to let it explode. I have a numb and jaded brain which blocks all exterior access to emotional portals. If you were to come near me with your beauty, it would bounce of off me, leaving only this little explosion to resurrect itself.

A plea for help.

confliction — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 20:49:14 GMT

I've seen this a few times before and never thought i'd be doing it myself... but it's worth a shot an i'd like to see how successful such a request can become. I want to become an entrepreneur but i need your help!

Please see my profile for more information!

Sorry if this offends you in any way... like i said... it's worth a shot!

Blues4Kali- A Cult Classic for the End Times

indiriverflow — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 05:57:11 GMT

What will Winter Solstice bring in 2012?
...an instant of Karma? ...an ethereal spiral dance of the collective soul? ... cosmic judgment leveled against civilization's expanse? ...destruction of the world as we know it? ...a chance for a new start? ...the rise and the revenge of the Goddess? or simply another day in the life of paranoia?
These are the false prophesies that your pastor warned you about!

Reality Exchange Program

"Makes DMT seem like a whip-it."

Crazy Bear said there'd be days like this. As usual, no one believed him. Now, all I want to know is: where IS that lifeboat, and how DO I ditch this ship of fools, without any of these bliss ninnies noticing that I'm already gone?

Captain, my ass. We are equal in this sea of madness.

That iceberg is looking awfully big.

Amana Mission is on a quest to save the world, and the only problem is, she can't remember why she got involved with such an obvious scam in the first place. Jesus saves. Christ. What a loser.

Kali kills first, and recycles later.

Hitchhikers, load up for a ride to the Other Side. You may wish you had gone Greyhound.

"What the...?"

*A cranky band of prankster peace warriors who absolutely cannot resist messing with each other's minds, no matter the cost.

*Cocky alchemy-dabbling quantum surfers, navigating the Ethersphere with hand-held computers, switching timelines to find a better party vibe and swap tips about the best temporary toilets for use as interdimensional portals.

*A burnt-out visionary hippie millionaire on a mission from Gaia to build a better "communitopia" by underwriting a convoy carrying telepathic priestesses.

*A wheelchair-bound mindpilot propelling a crystal-powered Seed Bank toward the post-Apocalyptic Garden, with psychic precision...and a predilection for high-velocity extreme driving.

*Hermaphrodite time-jumper fleeing a fate worse than death.

*Anarchist ghettoes where anything goes-except escape.

*Ancient Principals vying like sweatsoaked carpetbaggers for our loyalty as the Final Vote is tallied.

*Long-haired security patrols collecting a cannabis tribute tax from all pilgrims to the Valley of Fun.

*And an underground meat mafia bringing a black magic revival to a bloodless dreamworld gone bland.

All brought together by a secret psychedelic superdrug that tunes users in to reality through the eyes of another archetypal avatar inhabiting a different state of space and time. Mahayana made easy. Budding Buddha natures are running amuck on a virtual superhighway where all roads lead to the Bo tree and singularity.

Twenty-first century Tantra is about more than sex, drugs, and
rock and roll.Confronting the Karma of every wasted breath is only the first step.

Welcome to the End Times. Kali awaits. She already knows who you are.

Do you?

The 21st century counterculture is even weirder than it appears on the surface. This is not your mommy’s MTV Road Rules.

Ride along on this mesmerizing, metaphor-packed bus trip toward ecstasy and enlightenment, as three real-time guides-Amana, Sissy, and Deva, let you in on what they learned when they asked what It was really all about, after all.

Become them for a multilevel metafictional tour of infinity and awaken yourself to the miracle-a-minute magic of mighty Mother Kali!

Read Online Novel Blues 4 Kali at www.blues4kali.com

2012 Prophecies

Mature intelligent friends wanted who will comment...

devil_hearts — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 20:27:47 GMT

Greetings:

Let me begin by saying I'm obviously seeking journal friends. I have a NEW JOURNAL and would like mature intelligent friends who will comment.

But first, before you rush off and add me, let me say this:

My journal is different than anything you may have read thus far. Here's a short description of what I'm doing with it.

"This is an educational journal I am now doing. It will explore the many different ideologies and such that I deem of educational understanding and how they have related to me in my life since I was born. I am NOT politically correct nor is it always the mundane bullshit you would like to read. It is MY JOURNAL and therefore I write, because I am by profession an author of published books, what I want. I will challenge the very core of your soul and expect you to accept the challenge. I do expect friends to READ the entries. And, if you would, comment!"

If you are interested, I am by profession an author of nearly 20 published books. I'm mature and don't particularly want anyone who is under 19 years old. I expect intelligent language and not internet jargon. I will extend to you all the courtesy you give to me and vice versa. When I comment on your journal I will always say at least something that is positive. I don't BASH! And don't expect it from you.

With that in mind, please comment and add me.

Have a good day.

pbeatnik — Tue, 19 Sep 2006 02:52:58 GMT

A Caffeinated Clock Made Out of Beans

I am with the dirty
Black and white, tiled floor warped
With strange clocks haunting the walls
None of them working, all dead
Clockworks of art- And statues, frozen in sex.

Admirable addicts of the Artful Dodger-
Smile, with their eyes away from air-
Trancing in tea, but drinking a death wish
To accompany the bass of live jazz.

My curls are falling density-
In a strong weakness,
Attention lost to a plate of oreos,
And dark lights that invite themselves
To smoke up with drunken beatniks-
Clasping hands around paper cups.

mygreatadventur — Sat, 02 Sep 2006 04:03:00 GMT

Hey everyone,

I'm a 20-year-old female massage school graduate/barista about to make the big move out of my childhood home in Utah all the way to Everett, Washington for six months to face my demons (my fear of change) and make some much-needed personal changes. I created this journal to record "my great adventure" and I'm inviting anyone who's interested in following me on my journey to add me to your friends. Should be fun! :)

Namaste.

Something to ponder

ladyofshadow — Thu, 20 Jul 2006 04:01:35 GMT

Is the fly trapped in domesticity better than the fly trapped in the spider’s web?

illinois

youcantleave — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 20:59:45 GMT

"you'll realize that you have more friends than you seem to want to realize."
-my wingman (aka best friend), Alexa

so, i guess you could say i'm not a social butterfly. i'm a wallflower, by definition. it's not that i want to be, i just find it difficult to get along with most people sometimes. haha, my friends are like this sad, sorry elite club of people who can deal with me. i'm a little smart, funny, and at worst, surly or overemotional. i doubt i'm a nice person, sympathetic but all too skilled at making cutting remarks.
for the most part, i don't think much about being the awkward girl in someone's math class. but it gets lonely sometimes, like on vacations and weekends when you've got no plans. it's like there's this big cosmic puzzle and even i'm part of it, but some big cosmic dog chewed off a corner so now i don't fit.

Save The Furries!

lemonbox — Mon, 12 Jun 2006 19:38:01 GMT

I don't know if this is okay,
but I didn't find that is was written as forbidden?

I've become a foster parent for two kittie families of BARC.

Until last night I had 2 nursing mothers & 6 babies(3 each).
As of 12:48am this morning, I lost one.
I spent all of yesterday & last night with her, but she just wasn't strong enough.

One of my kittie families is very sick. They contracted some sort of virus inside the shelter before I picked them up.... now they are battling for their lives. One of the kittens seemed healthy, & I seperated her out immidiately. She is doing well & has been adopted(so to speak) by my own kitties.

The remaining kitten & it's mother are very sick. Not doing well at all!

The mother is coughing & sneezing & is absolutely dripping mucus. Very dehydrated.
She is pretty miserable. She has stopped eating & as a result has stopped producing milk for the baby.
We'd essentially been force feeding her, but this stresses her out so, it's almost not worth it.

The baby is very hopefull, & can be coaxed to eat goats milk & wet cat food.
She still isn't intaking enough. She's catching her mother's illness.
Her dehydration has reached a level that causes horrible diarreah.
This means that none of the benifits of her eating is sticking.

They both need medication, IV fluids, & much much more.

BARC can/will only cover this for a moment.
They will provide some of the IV fluids & medication.
These animinals need much much more.

I'm asking all of you now, please help me!
I'm requesting donations from anyone & everyone.
Anything you can give. Everything helps!
Without this vital assistance, they will die too!

When making a donation, if you'd like updates on these babies...
Comment in your contact info. We can send you pictures & info of their(hopefull) progress.

Thank you!

if donate button fails,
you can donate via paypal to friendsoffurries@yahoo.com

X-Posted

pbeatnik — Sun, 11 Jun 2006 21:40:20 GMT

My memory forgets certain things.“Things” return- driving through a familiar negative neighborhood, five years after familiarity finalizes a situation from a perspective of a new person. I am not the same person, literally, as I was five years ago. Therefore, what happened five years ago should not faze me. In reality, I cannot survive change. If x and y have the same properties, then x and y must be the same. Therefore, with electrons constantly flying off of me, I am never the same person. I do believe this theory, despite the valid arguments proposed against it. I am not a four-dimensionalist. I would prefer to say I am looking at the whole thing at one time and not just part of a thing. The more I think about it, the more ridiculous the theory becomes. I am not the same person as I was when I was born, nor am I the same person I was 2 seconds ago. I cannot survive change. Therefore, I should not dwell in the past. I should not dwell in the future. I should live each and every moment as if it were my last, because every moment is in fact, my last. There is no reason to become emotionally distracted, attached, or disturbed over things that cannot be controlled. That would be everything. Nothing can be controlled. It is hard to admit that I do not have control over my own actions, but I do not and therefore, no one should be held morally responsible for anything. Literally, if the word is deterministic, as I believe it is, we do not have free will. No one has free will. Our choices are directly caused by some event that was caused by another prior event or volition, and so on. It does not make sense to base any of our beliefs on free will. It does not make sense to believe there is such a thing as justice, because after all, there cannot be justice if there is no moral responsibility. Contradict me.

pbeatnik — Sun, 04 Jun 2006 23:21:13 GMT

There is an incessant gloom that hangs over this place, but- if I close my eyes I can remember when it wasn’t so gloomy and if I close them tight enough, perhaps I might envision a future covered with brilliant colors. Those colors could envelop my arms like a peacoat in cold and stormy weather. But in the present, with my eyes wide awake and ready for constant glaring, there is a fucking gloom. The weather is pleasant and the people are nice enough. Gloominess is not easily swayed by a positive climate. It is something that just happens, I think, after a tragic event, or maybe a slip into the sadness of an individual. That individual effects groups of people, which can lead to finding figurative fog. And then there are the thoughts, living and breathing and almost consuming every inch of an area walked upon. There are globs of gunk lurking behind windows, making it odd to see reality in the pure sort of form. Dizziness is not followed by clarity. Clarity is followed by an epiphany. Cause and effect is controlled while gloom seems uncontrollable.

pbeatnik — Wed, 24 May 2006 04:39:54 GMT

Conversations are versatile. Many of them go no where. A few are outstanding, and memorable for beyond years. A particular conversation may even evoke some kind of emotion, but those without words seem to do just fine as well. Communication skills are required to have such conversations- even those without words. And many times I lack the skills to use my mouth or my eyes. I become so intertwined with my mind, my surroundings do not seem to be real. I am aware that I am missing out, however there is a large part of me that feels it has experienced all that it needs to have experienced and does not wish for more on account of a recent death. That death was an experience I wish to forget however without remembering the death it is difficult to remember the soul. An ugly thing murdered the soul. Ugly things transcend beyond my little body and into my gigantic vat of spirituality and mind frame. They eat away at the romantic section that tends to include such things as poetry and love. They ruin social capabilities and wants for interaction. Ugly things aren’t easy to deal with. Ugly things make me angry and they make me sad, and I do not know how else to fight ugly, but with the love, however in the previous situation love has been captured and is being held hostage by a murderer. I do not require love back, however its absence may provide me with anguish at times. I do require a mind and at the moment, it isn’t working properly. It has been clogged. There is need for a plumber or an exorcist- need for something to wipe my Self clean with a cloth or something to rid area of ugly things. I wish nothing more than to return to the way things were two years ago. Returning to a time in the past is impossible without accounting for modal facts, however I would prefer to not think about things in such detail, given that my brain is a part of my mind and is therefore functioning on little sleep and ugliness. I cannot be as strong as I have once been and there is a smaller amount of effort left in me and I do apologize to all those my current state is affecting in a negative way.