Flutterings and Flytes of Fancy

Where to Begin?

2007-11-17T13:36:42Z

Lil 'bro banzai nudged me back to LJ. I kind of abandoned my journal and my Friends Page for a couple of months. I guess it got pretty addictive, and whenever I'd log on I found myself spending too much time on the computer. I think I had been trying waaaaay too hard to make friends- joined a community, posted lots of comments, and some of you who did friend me back may have even felt "stalked." I apologize. That wasn't the intent of this journal in the first place. It was supposed to be just a spot to do a bit of mind dumping and if others were interested in what I had to say, I would check out their journals and see if I felt the same way. But could I leave well enough alone? Naaaah, of course not. Oh well- try, try again.

Meanwhile, life goes on at our house just as I'm sure it has in all of my LJ Friends' homes. Yesterday G-man broke both his arms and has casts from wrists to elbows. He was incredibly brave and is now incredibly cranky about keeping his hands elevated in slings to keep the fingers from swelling. Thank God for Saturday morning cartoons! We had a great Halloween and now we're getting ready to go to the in-laws for Thanksgiving. Then time to deck the halls and look forward to a visit from banzai and barlow_girl!!!! Yippee!

Ok, brain empty now. Maybe more in a couple days.

Self Service

2007-09-12T02:35:07Z

Haven't been posting here lately. My time on LJ has been spent checking into communities and posting comments on my friends page. The work on my heart continues. The situation is looking up as far as the relationship between me and the former object of my resentment is concerned. I'm not Catholic, but it sure would be nice to get "absolution." Guess it's going to be a slower process with me, though. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Slow and steady.

So now that my heart is being overhauled (an amazing process, btw) would this be a good time or a bad time to request a "transplant"? I long for a servant's heart, and it just isn't there. I want what I want when I want it. My selfishness knows no bounds. My work as a SAHM doesn't seem fulfilling because I don't get immediate gratification from it. I know in my mind how important it is, but I'm just not "feelin' it."

I really thought I would be more grown up by the time I hit 40. Maybe the one I need to be parenting the most is- me?

Edit: It occurs to me that a big part of my problem is reflected in that last sentence. I'm not looking to the One in charge. He is parenting me. But, like most immature kids, I'm not ~~always~~ listening. Can you say "ear transplant"?

Ouch!

2007-08-25T17:13:42Z

When I pray, I always ask to be led in God's will by the Holy Spirit. My will gets in my way, though, and He often needs to "hit me over the head" to get me to follow. I got a real whack the other day. I started this year building strong spiritual habits that were actually beginning to bear fruit by spring. Then it all seemed to skid to a halt. I blamed it on spring break (change in routines I had established), travel to Seattle for banzai and barlow_girl's wedding (more change in routine, plus the strange mixture of enabling yet frustrating parental units), return of clinical depression, fear of MIL's visit, and a myriad of other excuses.

He told me yesterday what was at the root of my so-called problems: self-hate stemming from a resentment I've been carrying around these past few months. I am filled with bitterness toward a person who has done nothing to harm me personally. Early this year she was appointed to a ministry position in our church. And while I may have my doubts about her qualifications for the job, the way I've been feeling and acting toward her (and I'm ashamed to say, mostly behind her back) is the opposite of Christ-like. I justified it to myself that I owed it to my kids, to whom she is ministering directly, to make my opinions known. But that's crap and deep down I know it. The fact is, this bitterness is hurting me and my relationship with God. So it's sin. Simple as that.

Now, what do I do about it? Stop sinning in this way, yes. But isn't there more? Seems way too easy. Do I need to forgive, or seek forgiveness? From her, or would that just cause unnecessary pain and conflict? From those friends who have had to listen to me spew my venom? Aaaaaaah.

Guess I'll be praying for that next "bonk on the head" moment. This place of uncertainty is awfully uncomfortable. But maybe that's the point.

I Need Hairapy

2007-08-17T13:56:51Z

Why is it that the best hair days happen right after making an appointment with your stylist?

Grrrrrr.

On the Stick/Off the Hook

2007-08-16T17:05:46Z

This morning I went to the weekly gathering of POGO (Parents Of Growing Ones), a wonderful group of moms at my church. Each of us has at least one infant, toddler, or preschooler and most stay home with them at least part-time. We're studying a book called If Mama Goes South, We're All Going With Her, by Lindsey O'Connor this summer. This week's chapter is about our will, a very tough yet necessary topic for me to examine. So much I needed to hear and read (again).

Romans 7 was referenced by the author, and it occurred to me how often I use Paul's words as an excuse to keep sinning. Verses 21-23 run through my head almost every time my hand reaches to sin. And I've been taking those verses completely out of context. In a way, I'm parroting what comedian Flip Wilson used to say, "The devil made me do it!" This morning the Lord led me further into the passage to what I believe is the real message He wants to imprint on my heart today: the full passage of verses 21-25. Time and again I let myself off the hook. "I'm only human." "That's just the way I'm wired." "We all fall short." All true. But there's more. He says to me, "Yes, you were born a slave to sin. But don't let yourself off the hook. Just as you can't stop yourself from sinning, you can't pardon yourself either. Only I can do those things. Believe that I can. Come to Me. Let ME set you free!"

Our study leader also touched on the book of James and I was reminded how prone I am to sinning with my mouth as well as my hands. I think I'll journal more on that later. I have three other little mouths to feed right now.

Home Is Where The Heart Is

2007-08-14T18:14:22Z

A group of SAHMs from my church is going to Rochester, MN for the NC Regional Hearts-at-Home Conference in October. I've tried to get a group together every year since I attended the 2003 National Conference with my SIL in Bloomington, IL. But I am the world's worst salesperson and wound up going by myself in '05 and just giving up in '04 and '06. I'm so excited that at least 3 of my friends want to go this year! It's an incredibly affirming experience. Great music and praise, great speakers, great workshops, great fellowship. Just a weekend to fully immerse ourselves in God's love and learn more about how to pass it on to our families.

Hi-Ho the Dairy-O!

2007-08-14T16:15:39Z

Haven't posted in a while cuz we went to the Wisconsin Dells last week. Still in vacation recovery mode. But it was worth it. So. Much. Fun.

To save money we spent the first night at a local motel (I thought it was a bit of a dive, but clean enough. Dh took exception to the term "dive", which he equates to "fleabag." I guess he doesn't see the subtle nuances that differentiate the two. But I digress.) and took food for breakfasts and picnic lunches. So we had cereal and banana bread every morning and PB&J, goldfish crackers, baby carrots, Craisins, and brownies every lunch. I took a cue from jeney and let the kids eat their lunches "backwards" with brownies first. We splurged on some cheese curds and threw those in with the lunches. (The rat takes the cheese!)

The second night we spent here . One night and two very full days of wet, wild, loud fun with our three kids, my SIL and BIL from Illinois and our nephew who is just 3 months older than G-man. I rode this with my SIL and BIL. Screamtastic is totally the right term for it. And the "58 ft plummet"? I took that BACKWARDS! Man, what a ride! Dh took almost 200 pictures, so I might post a few later. None of me in my swimsuit, though. Trust me, you are not ready for that.

You're Soaking In It

2007-08-04T21:46:50Z

Recent posts by banzai and sillypilgrim have led me to a Palmolive epiphany- I AM soaking in it. Thing is, I am so priviliged and blessed that I haven't been looking at what "it" is. I keep whining and moaning about this and that, all the "crises" in my life when all the while I am surrounded by the deepest love, forgiveness and grace. What an ungrateful, spoiled child I've been to wallow in my so-called suffering instead of dancing for joy and serving Him with all that I am!!!!

Thank you to these two grateful servants, as well as my sister barlow_girl. You all lifted me up out of what I thought I was soaking in, whether you meant to or not.

Shiny Sink

2007-08-04T18:45:20Z

Now I'm finally doing it- shining my sink! One side is soaking now and then I'll do the other. It's raining here so I'm letting ds watch a video while I flip through my control journal, check out the new stuff on www.flylady.net and get my sink nice and shiny. As long as I take babysteps and don't let dh (he has SHE tendencies, too, including perfectionism) push me into going too fast, I think I can do this without burning out!

Edit: Mission accomplished! Here's what it looks like:

Reprieve

2007-08-03T03:34:07Z

Turns out my MIL & FIL won't be coming to visit this weekend after all. Dh will bring Pie & Cakes home himself after the kayak trip ends in his hometown. Now, I still want to get the house in better shape. But now it will be for me and my family and I can go at a reasonable pace instead of major crisis cleaning. Hallelujah!

New Month, Same Old Me

2007-08-01T21:40:14Z

I am in a very deep rut. Just can't seem to get going. I've had all week to get moving on cleaning my house, weeding the garden, getting organized for back-to-school, and I haven't done any of it. I'm disgusted with myself for being such a procrastinator. Instead of working when G-man is playing or watching TV or sleeping, I nap or get on the computer or watch TV. What a lazy bum! Here's the sum total of what I've accomplished this week:

-assembled patio table that my mom gave me
-one load of laundry washed, dried, and put away
-paid bills
-took G-man to swim lessons each day
-got Harriet litter trained
-kept us fed and dishes done
-picked up a few, and mean very few, things in the family room
-worked at the Y for 1.5 hours
-took G-man swimming twice, besides swim lessons
-scheduled a physical

That's it. Dh is expecting major progress on the house- bathrooms cleaned, vacuuming, dusting, picking up clutter, kitchen cleaned and mopped. And no matter how much I get done, my MIL will find cobwebs, dirt, or something. Their expectations feel like a two-ton rock on my chest paralyzing me. I know I'm being a whiner. I've suffered clinical depression in the past and wonder if I need to get back on meds. It's like a Catch-22, I'm sure changing my lifestyle (eating better, exercising, drinking more water) would help me feel better, but it's hard to make those changes when I feel so yucky and draggy. Ugh.

Just Me & My Guy

2007-07-31T01:09:11Z

This week G-man and I have the house to ourselves. Dh is on a kayak trip with his dad and the girls are at Grandma's (dh's mom). Whenever Pie & Cakes show signs of homesickness, Grandma plans to drive them back to our house and wait for both our dh's to come home from their trip on Saturday or Sunday. The thing with twins, though, is that they always have each other. And the thing with Grandma is that she keeps them very busy. They may never get homesick. In fact, I asked Pie how many sleepovers she wanted at Grandma's before they went there and her answer was "100". I either have well-adjusted daughters or my MIL is more fun than I am. Or some of both.

G-man would have been a great only child. He totally keeps himself entertained. Of course, I love my girls no end. But I'm such a what-if person that my mind keeps going there- what if we'd stopped at one? No arguments over toys. Nobody looking at somebody wrong. When something gets broken you know who did it. Once a phase is over, it's over. Plenty of time to read together. Breakfast first thing instead of waiting for everyone to get up. One bedtime.

Then again, nobody sharing his dessert "and since I love her." No little sister bringing big brother his stuffed Puppy when he scrapes his knee. Imaginary friends instead of having each other to play with. Never hearing G-man reading to "his girls." One hand left dangling when we cross the street. Not being amazed at the creative solutions they come up with when they disagree. Only having "boy" toys.

Maybe the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. But I think it's probably just shadows. Three really is a magic number.

To Quote Forrest Gump

2007-07-23T19:27:16Z

Heather died. We still have Harriet. I don't want to get a rep as The Crazy Lady That Always Posts About Her Cat Problems so "that's all I have to say about that."

Four Years Ago

2007-07-19T12:43:41Z

Today is my daughters' birthday. It's hard to believe Cakes & Pie are really 4 years old! No more babies in my house.

Four years ago I had never heard the phrase "stop looking at me!" yelled from the back of a car, unless said phrase was being uttered by myself or banzai.

Four years ago I knew what was going on in the real world, not just "Elmo's World."

Four years ago there was more testosterone in our family than estrogen.

Four years ago we didn't decorate with Mardi-Gras beads, tape strips, foam trays, crayon pictures, and Play-Doh.

Four years ago the sum total of toys in our house fit in one toy box and one train table.

Four years ago I had yet to set foot in Chuck E. Cheese.

Four years ago the words "brefkast" and "pupcakes" hadn't been introduced to the English language.

Four years ago I hadn't lost the baby weight. Wait, I still haven't lost the baby weight. *sigh*

Four years ago We didn't have a chattering slumber party in the corner bedroom every night.

Four years ago The game "Waffles" wasn't yet invented. It's too complicated to explain here. Suffice it to say it involves three players, two of whom assume the roles of "Mama" and "the bed", and closely resembles Ultimate Fighting.

Four years ago I was given the most wonderful blessing! Thank you, God!

Poor Preparation

2007-07-17T02:39:45Z

Some days I wish I'd gone to college for elementary ed or psychology. A degree in accounting just has not prepared me well to be a parent. And it's the hardest job I've ever had. Not to mention the only one I can't quit. I have "Super Nanny" on TV in the background right now and I'm only typing during commercials (side note- my own mother always got up and did something else during commercials, the whole time I was growing up). I guess I'm trying to catch up and glean some information that's going to make parenting at least doable. Maybe this Mom gig is the final exam I have the recurring dream about- the one in the class I totally forgot I was even enrolled in until I saw it on my finals schedule.

One of the big things that's frustrating me these days is that I don't feel like my kids respect me. Maybe it's just the way kids are, but it seems that I have to tell them the same thing over and over and over, louder and louder and louder, before it finally gets through. The mom on SN is dealing with the same issue with her sons, progressed to a much more difficult level. Dh & I don't behave passively like the parents on the show, so that's not our main problem. I can certainly relate to the lack of energy they are experiencing, though. How everything seems just too hard to put into action. Parenting is unbelievably hard and I feel woefully unprepared for the job. To top it off, as soon as I think I've got one phase figured out, they go and grow into a whole new one!

I got a clue from a poster I saw at the YMCA tonight. It said something about people respecting you only if they can see that you respect yourself. I forget or deny most of the time that I live my life in a fishbowl now and my children are watching everything I do. Because I'm such a perfectionist, I'll go through streaks of trying to do it all "right", then something happens and I slip up so I throw it all away and tell myself I'll do better "tomorrow." But sadly, tomorrow is always a day away. I need help finding the middle ground, where an occasional mistake is okay yet the overall picture is of me being a good model for my kids.

This is starting to sound disjointed and rambling. Oh well, I guess thoughts are sometimes that way. It was a particularly hard morning (long beach towel drama between G-man and Cakes). There will be better days.

Cat Crap Fever

2007-07-12T13:09:35Z

I'm really tired of cleaning up the little gift piles our two kittens keep leaving on the floor. I know they were literally "born in a barn", but enough already! Today I'm going to try two new things- a hood cover for the litter box (maybe they're craving more privacy) and different food (maybe the Wal-Mart brand isn't agreeing with them).

Quick Pic

2007-07-09T14:41:31Z

Pie, G-man, and Cakes at a July 4th parade. Making out like bandits with the candy!

Scary Place

2007-07-09T14:27:13Z

How can I get inside the mind of a 6-yr old boy? Is it as scary in there as I think it might be? And once there, will I be able to get back out?

See, G-man has this problem. With equipment that I don't have and therefore can't fully understand. He frequently pees on the floor and his pants while sitting on the toilet. Apparently he's sitting there doing other business and the pee just comes out while he's pushing out the other. Dh has told him to stand up and pee before he sits down, but he always seems to cut it too close and has to sit down right away, or he doesn't think he really has to pee and then it takes him by surprise, or something. I've never been a 6-yr old boy so I really, truly, just don't understand it. I've tried reminding him to do what dh suggests and I've tried telling him to point the thing down at the water just in case. He can't seem to remember to do either one. I am at a total loss.

And I feel a little guilty because when he does this it kinda makes me mad. I must be one of the least empathetic parents on earth. But when I see the puddle on the floor and the wet stinky pants, I don't think, "Oh, you poor thing. You had a little accident." I think, "Oh, great. Another nasty mess for me to clean up." I am so selfish. Parents are supposed to feel all mushy and lovey toward their kids even when stuff like that happens, aren't they? Why don't I? And aren't parents supposed to have all the answers? Again, why don't I?

If my kids ever find out I'm totally guessing and making up this Mom Thing as I go along, I'm in major trouble.

Party Time

2007-07-08T18:15:38Z

An invitation G-man received to a friend's birthday party:

Time: 2:30 PM - 4:30 PM
Place: Pump-it-Up

etc., etc., etc.

Note at the bottom "Please arrive 10 minutes early."

Huh? Why not just put the start time at 2:20 PM? No biggie, I'm just sayin'.

So we went at 2:20 and he had a great time.

My Dh is a Classic!

2007-07-05T00:23:17Z

Dh brought home a burr coffee grinder a couple of nights ago. He is so obsessive with it in an adorable sort of way. Hope that makes sense. He's been grinding and brewing at least two pots a day, with great joy and abandon! Ah, in 20 years we've gone from bumping and grinding to grinding and brewing. But I digress. Anyway, it's a great reminder of one of the things I love most about him- I really get a kick out of him. He just cracks me up, without even meaning to a lot of the time. Example- he's practically surgically attached to his i-Pod, OK?

Dh: "These headphones (holding up a pair with silver-dollar sized earpads) are higher fidelity than those (pointing to the kind you see DJ's wear at radio stations), but they just aren't as comfortable on my head."

Me: "Well at least they're better than earbuds."

Dh: "So are those hemorrhoid things you stick up your ass, but I'm talking about headphones!"

Me: "You mean suppositories?"

Dh: "Yeah, suppositories."

He's so old-school. I don't get the whole earbud thing, either, but I don't think I would have put it quite that way...

P.S. I'm probably the only person who thinks this part is funny- he was putting on the i-Pod so he could work on stuff for the Gideons' Memorial Committee while listening to the Grateful Dead. Am I warped, or what?

7 days without posting

2007-07-02T14:11:12Z

That makes one weak. Actually, I've heard this about prayer and it applies a lot better. I just can't resist a pun and an excuse for an incoherent post.

The weather here has been beautiful. I finally took the kids to the pool last Wednesday. Fun, but hardly relaxing. Pie wandered around the shallow end at a leisurely pace, while her sister Cakes took off on her own in deeper water- chest to shoulder deep. I couldn't decide which one to "trust" and I sure couldn't follow both of them! I'm pretty comfortable with 6-yr old G-man making his own way around the fort and slide. The girls aren't quite 4 yrs old, though, and haven't had nearly as much swim training. Dh said I seemed "especially cranky" that evening. Guess I was a little stressed!

We got two kittens from the farm a week ago. They are quite a bit bigger, enjoy each other's company, and seem to be thriving. They were even doing well with the litter box until an incident this morning. I got it cleaned up quickly, but I'm sure hoping there aren't any more! Heather is a grey calico with a sweet personality. G-man wanted to name the white and yellow one "Harry" but we think she's a girl. So she's been dubbed "Harriet." Dh resisted the name at first. It's pretty stuck, though. Harriet has taken a little longer to warm up to us, but she's getting there. She cries whenever Heather gets out of her sight. They are very cute together.

Last weekend I attended three social events- friends for dinner at our house Saturday , a big group picnic on Sunday, and my book club meeting Sunday afternoon. Socializing is so different with kids. I'm still not used to it. There seems to be very little time to actually talk with the other adults because we're all so busy attending to our own family's needs. It was an entirely different experience at book club with just grown-ups. One of my friends in book club (who has four boys under age 7) is reading a marriage book (I think it's by Gary Smalley). The book says that two of the toughest times in a marriage are before the children reach school-age and when they are teenagers. Guess we'll weather this phase first, then brace ourselves for the teen years. The past several nights we've been awakened by Pie in the wee hours. She keeps getting nosebleeds. Nothing dangerous, I'm just too old and lazy to get up at 3 AM night after night to change her jammies, strip her bed, pinch her nose shut for 5 minutes, and wash out bloody sheets. Sunday morning at church was a parenting nightmare. First, G-man staunchly refused to shake hands with the nice man who was greeting. All three of the kids were squirmy and loud, even for the contemporary service. And then Cakes screamed when they "made her bread blue" at communion. I guess she's not a big fan of intinction. Another friend of mine at book club said her daughter was trying to get our kids' attention as we walked by and she told Brie not to interrupt us because it was a time to be prayerful. I said, "Yeah, I think I was praying something like, 'Please, God, get me out of here!'" This, too, shall pass, right?

heartflyte @ 2007-06-25T21:35:00

2007-06-26T02:39:37Z

Happy Birthday, barlow_girl!!!!!!

(Tomorrow)

Major Guilt

2007-06-25T18:46:21Z

When I think about what happened Friday night, I still get sick to my stomach. If you dislike cats or don't want to read a very sad story, please don't click.

I think I killed our kitten. Her name was Peppermint Patty. She had been in our home for only ten days. She may have starved to death, or might have been dropped or stepped on or something when I wasn't watching. Or it could be she was just too little to have been taken from her mother. No matter how it happened I feel so responsible. I was entrusted with her little innocent life. And if I can't care for a little kitten, am I responsible enough to care for 3 kids?

Dh found the poor little thing all stiff in a small room off our basement playroom. That's where we had kept her bed, litter pan, etc. We got burned a couple of years ago with a neutered male cat that peed or marked all over the house, so we were being extra cautious about what parts of the house she was allowed in until we were sure she was litter trained. He called me down early Saturday morning to double-check. It was a horrible sight that I can't get out of my head. I hope that writing about it will be therapeutic.

We got Peppermint Patty from a farm about 60 miles from our house that had 18 kittens to give away. There were three litters, various sizes, and the people there didn't know any of their ages. I asked "are you sure they're weaned?" because some of them looked awfully tiny, including Patty. I was assured they were eating well by dh's co-worker who lives there and had advertised the kittens on the intraoffice classifieds. I did see PP eat some at first and she was using the litter box. So I thought she was getting enough to eat. But she slept more and ate less every day. I reasoned that was because she needed more rest to grow, and thought maybe she was eating when we weren't around because she liked her privacy. I let the kids play with her a few times when I wasn't in the room. I was probably on the computer while they were downstairs with her. Friday night she cried when I put her in her bed. Our power was out and I chalked it up to her being a little afraid of the dark and not wanting to be put down. The sound of that little cry haunts me.

Why didn't I see this coming? Why didn't I keep a closer eye on things? Why didn't I insist she stay with her mama longer and we could pick her up later? Why didn't I go to PetCo and get her some formula when I didn't see her eating? Was she incredibly lonely? What is God trying to teach me here? That I need to be a more attentive Mom? I'm trying to forgive myself and move on. It's so hard. I keep wondering if she suffered. I think she probably did. Again, my responsiblity.

We are going to get a new kitty, maybe two. To keep each other company. We don't want the kids to be traumatized by the memory of the one that died. We'll go back to the farm after dh gets off work this afternoon to pick it/them out. If there's any doubt about size I WILL ask them if we can come back in a couple of weeks. The new kitty(s) will have run of the house from Day One. We'll probably keep the kitty stuff in the master bath this time. Maybe we just didn't trust enough or love enough. I'm pretty scared. Don't know if I can handle something like this happening again. Prayers appreciated.

Even When You're Mad at Me

2007-06-22T18:30:09Z

Being a parent has helped me understand God's character. Or at least given me a context in which to place my bits and pieces of understanding. Will I ever truly understand Him? Not in this world, and I wouldn't want to. The very fact that He is more magnificent than my mind can comprehend is what makes Him worthy of all honor and praise! I do have an idea, though, of how grace and forgiveness work. They aren't a free pass to do whatever we want. God's all-powerful nature and sense of justice could not allow that. On the other hand, His all-loving nature could not allow us to continue to pay for our own sins.

Here's the window through which I glimpsed grace and forgiveness in action. Admittedly, it is on a tiny, human scale rather than a God-sized universal scale. But I hope it draws a faint parallel. My youngest daughter, Pie, is one of the most sensitive souls I have ever met. She cries with true remorse when corrected. The biggest challenge her dad and I have in raising Pie is how to guide her without breaking her tender little heart. Several times over the last few weeks Pie's husky little voice has uttered this profound statement: "Mama, even when you're mad at me, you still love me."

I'm so glad she gets that. I love her AND I sometimes get mad at her. In my case, it's often because of my own failings or impatience. But sometimes it's because I know she's behaving in a way that is not best for her. As God's child, I know He gets mad at me, too, because He can see that what I'm doing isn't in my best interest or the in the interest of His Kingdom. And yet He loves me even when He's mad at me. His grace is not a license to sin. Yet His correction is not condemnation. If I can love my little one even when I'm mad at her, how much more must He love me! His love is constant. Praise be!

A Pile of Sh...

2007-06-20T16:59:22Z

Feeling better today. What's changed? My wonderful friend AH cut my hair and the girls' hair yesterday, the kids are actually getting along and entertaining themselves without the TV(!), we just sold both of the toddler beds that have been taking up mega-space in the basement playroom, I think I found some bedding online at JCPenney for the kids' "big" beds, and I have a new LJ friend (thanks, kamikaye!). What might be best of all is that today is completely unscheduled until a 7:00 PM finance committee meeting at church. The reality of what I'm doing isn't really different than yesterday. But today there isn't any outside pressure. I'm just letting the kids run their own activities and one flows into the next. So far they've been into books, puzzles, washable(?) markers & styrofoam trays, crayons & post-it notes, and their swimsuits playing "pretend swim lessons."

The perfectionist nag inside my head (I call her "Nellie" for "Nervous Nellie" and that Olson brat that was on LHotP) keeps saying things like:

"You have a pool pass, you should take them to the pool for real."
"You should go to the zoo today, the McD's down that way is having a Happy Meal Deal day and you're missing out!"
"You should be out in your weedy garden on such a lovely day, not on the computer."
"You really should go to the JCP store to look at that bedding. You never can tell from a picture on the internet."
"You still haven't cleaned the kitchen. Don't you think you should?"

I had a wonderful therapist a few years ago. She's the one who encouraged me to give Nellie a name. (She also suggested I name my positive voice, which I still haven't pinned down- what's that about?) Anyway, that classy lady therapist (maybe I should just call her CLT) had a name for this.  CLT called it "shoulding all over yourself." And who wants to sit around in a pile of should?  Not me. So today I am telling Nellie to SHUT UP! I will enjoy a day of no commitments, appreciate the fact that my kids can keep themselves occupied, and convince myself that the marker stains up and down their arms will someday wear off. Washable, my foot! Oh well, as popular as tattoos are maybe they just have a head start for when they reach puberty.

If you got this far, you know I wasn't being too naughty with the title. I keep cracking up when I read it, though. It reminds me too much of that ridiculous game we played as kids- daring other kids to stick out  their tongues while saying, "I was born on a pirate ship." Ooooooo- we were so cool!