The Colbert Report Quotes!

8/7/07, 8/9/07, 8/13/07, 8/15/07--The Word

2007-08-20T22:13:41Z

8/7/07--The Word

Stephen Colbert: Of course, there was another big story over the weekend, folks. President Bush signed into law a bill passed by Congress that allows him to monitor the e-mails and international phone calls of U.S. citizens, without a warrant. Even citizens not suspected of having terrorist ties. I believe there are three of those left: Alberto Gonzales, Toby Keith, and my dog Gipper. Who's not a terrorist? Who's not a terrorist? You're not a terrorist! No, you're not! You're not a terrorist!

Now, I'll admit this sounds great at first. Sixteen Democrats in the Senate and forty-one in the House siding with the Republicans, the President getting what he wants, and terrorists are now forced to revert to smoke signals. But, Nation, legalizing warrantless surveillance is actually a dangerous step backwards, and it brings us to tonight's Word.

The Dark Side

The dark side. Folks, just five days after September 11th, the Vice President Cheney told us what it would take to win the War on Terror, explaining: "We have to work the dark side, if you will. Spend time in the shadows..."

Exactly. It's just like math class. When you're confronted with a difficult problem, turn the lights off.

Then, Torture A Nerd For The Answer

You see, the Vice President knew that we cannot win this war if we go by the book.

Or The Constitution

You... you do whatever it takes--you go beyond what's legal. You go past what's acceptable.

You Shoot A Man In The Face

But thanks--thanks to this new law, all that "dark side" is now allowed. And we know doing what's allowed is not enough.

Nobody Tempted By Approved Fruit

Now, tragically--tragically, folks, we are illuminating more and more of the dark side every day. Now that indefinite detention, enhanced interrogation, and domestic spying are acceptable, it is getting harder and harder to find those things that we as Americans theoretically cannot bring ourselves to do.

Vote?

I mean, what's left that's beyond the pale? Hollowing out enemy combatants and using them as hand puppets to act out episodes of 24? We shouldn't be even able to conceive of the actions necessary to win this conflict.

Troop Withdrawal?

But, Nation, we must. I am calling on you, the heroes, to imagine scenes of physical depravity and shocking illegality. Quickly. Before Congress legalizes them. Because if we keep allowing the things that we as a people have agreed we shouldn't be doing, who's gonna win this war?

The Dark Side

And that's the Word.

8/9/07--The Word

Stephen Colbert: Nation, when it comes to the 2008 presidential candidates, I am strictly impartial. It does not matter if I'm covering an American hero like Fred Thompson, or a money-grubbing, opportunistic Ken doll like John Edwards. It's not easy giving them all fair treatment, especially when the Democrats keep getting together and saying things. Already they have put on their dog and donkey show in New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Chicago. That is an awful lot of public parks for Mike Gravel to be sleeping in.

But there is--there is something important missing from these debates, folks, and Rudy Giuliani knows what it is.

[clip, Fox News, 5/5/2007]
Rudy Giuliani: Democrats never even mentioned the words "radical Islamic terrorism". Couldn't even get it out of their mouths.

[clip, PBS, 8/1/07]
RG: Four Democratic debates, Charlie. Four Democratic debates, not once did any of them use the words "Islamic terrorism".

[clip, ABC, 8/5/07]
RG: In four Democratic debates, not a single Democratic candidate said the word "Islamic terrorism".
[end clips]

SC: Rudy has used the words "Islamic terrorism" so many times, the phrase "September 11th" is starting to get jealous.

But, folks, he is making a crucial point. A point that brings us to tonight's Word.

Clarity

Clarity. You see, folks, Giuliani knows you cannot win if it's not clear who you're fighting.

Usually, Ex-Wives

But the Democrats insist on muddying the waters. Here's who the Democrats say we're up against.

[clip, C-SPAN, 8/7/07]
Sen. Barack Obama: Al-Qaeda operatives--

[clip, CNN, 6/3/07]
Sen. Hillary Clinton: The resurgent Taliban and al-Qaeda fighters--

[clip, C-SPAN, 8/7/07]
Sen. Chris Dodd: Islamic fundamentalist state--

[clip, CNN, 6/3/07]
Sen. John Edwards: Radical Islam--
[end clips]

SC: That's four different enemies! They make it sound like we're in the middle of a complex, nuanced struggle requiring deep understanding of the differences between politically and religiously diverse groups. How are you gonna fit that on a bumper sticker?

You see, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, our enemies are a massive group of religious fanatics bent on destroying us at all costs. They're "Islamic terrorists". I can't think of a better term to describe them.

Or Unite Them

Not--not using that phrase is just an example of political correctness.

We're "Differently Terrified"

No. No, no, folks, it is worse than political correctness--it is actual correctness. And we all know, too often, correctness gets bogged down in details.

Fails To See Bigger Caricature

If we really want to win this war, we have to paint with broad strokes. I mean, we--we'd have stamped out organized crime by now if we referred to the Mafia as "Italian terrorists".

"That's A Spicy-A Car Bomb!"

Nation--folks, if we're not careful, we can get stuck in an ill-defined, unwinnable, indefinite commitment to understanding who we're up against.

The War On Error

We need--we need to return to the clarity of the good old days. Before there was any difference between Sunnis and Shi'ites.

632 A.D.

Back when--back when there were freedom fries, and our justification for war was three simple letters: W--

--M--

--D.

Now, Nation, whenever America finds itself in a neverending conflict between good and ultimate evil, like the War on Drugs, the government appoints a czar. Well, I propose Rudy Giuliani be America's Language Czar.

First Issue: "Czar" or "Tsar"?

He--he can decide what words help America--

"President Giuliani"

--and which words weaken us.

"Habeas Corpus"?

Now we can let America's Mayor pick America's language. After all, if we don't use his simple, all-encompassing label for all of our enemies, he knows there's no way to win.

The Election

And that's the Word.

8/13/07--The Word

Stephen Colbert: Nation, during a presidential campaign, it's not only important to look at the candidates, it's also important to look at their spouses. That's why I keep a poster of Fred Thompson's wife, Jeri Kehn, over my bed. It's for work, honey!

I also like the cut of Elizabeth Edwards' jib. Women have jibs, right? They're telling me I'm right. Anyway, something Elizabeth Edwards said in a recent interview really caught my attention. When asked about her husband's campaign finances, she said, quote, "We can't make John black, we can't make him a woman...those things get you a certain amount of fundraising dollars." Which brings us to tonight's Word.

White Guy

White guy. Now, it's common knowledge that I don't see race. But what you might not know is that I also don't see gender. I know someone's a woman when I am overwhelmed by sexual attraction. That's how I finally pinned down Keanu Reeves. Great actress, by the way.

Stephen Doesn't See Acting, Either

Now, despite my blind spots, I understand that the possibility of a black or female president is generating excitement among donors.

White House May Get Groove Back

My problem with what Ms. Edwards said is simply, she's talking like a victim. Even if Obama's race and Hillary's gender are helping to raise funds this year, there's really only one question for the Edwards campaign.

If It Falls In A Forest, Will Anyone Hear It?

How should John Edwards respond? Simple: John Edwards should declare himself a black woman.

Republican Candidates Already Declared Themselves Reagan

Now, folks, is John Edwards really a black woman? It doesn't matter. These days, a unilateral declaration of reality will seem very presidential.

If Accompanied By Signing Statement

Plus, I think--I think Edwards makes a lot of sense as a black woman. To begin with, sticking up for the poor? Pretty girly.

FDR + LBJ = BFF!!!

And who spends--who spends $400 on their hair? Girls.

And Stephen

Also, John Edwards is five foot, eleven inches. You know who else is five foot, eleven inches? Former NBA basketball player John Lucas of the Houston Rockets. And guess what else? He's black.

Plus, John Edwards is with a white woman. I hear that's very popular with black guys.

There have been endless debates on whether Barack Obama is truly black. Well, I say let's start one on whether John Edwards is.

Hint: No

Think about it, Senator. There is no downside--unless America isn't ready for a black, female president. Of course, if that happens, you've got a great fallback--you're a white guy.

White Guy

And they usually get elected. And that's the Word.

8/15/07--The Word

Stephen Colbert: Speaking of hounded animals--Alberto Gonzales. I... America is cheering for you, sir. I have got some bad news for the liberal vultures who have been circling around his fallen body. He's still twitching, guys. Now I'll admit that Gonzales has faced questions about his "competence". His enemies in Congress have been calling for his resignation, both in public and--as Gonzales knows well--in their private phone conversations. Should've gotten that scrambler, Chuck Schumer.

Well, the Attorney General's critics are about to be silenced, and the reason is tonight's Word.

Potential

Potential. You see, it's not that the Attorney General isn't up to the job, it's that the job hasn't been up to him. He hasn't been asked to work at his potential.

Can Perjure At 12th Grade Level

He's like... he's like a kid in school who isn't challenged by the curriculum. His mind wanders, he loses his focus, and pretty soon, he can't remember why he's there.

Or Why He Fired Those U.S. Attorneys

But the Justice Department has found a solution to this problem. A new set of rules that would, quote, "...give Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales important new sway over death penalty cases...including the power to shorten the time that death row inmates have to appeal..."

This new power to fast-track executions--a power that used to belong solely to judges--will be a great way to keep his attention. Like a shiny object.

Medal of Freedom

Congress--Congress gave him a great toy to play with a couple of weeks ago when they approved his new warrantless wiretapping powers. Now he can conduct investigations and proceed to executions quickly.

At A Breakneck Pace

Plus, less time--less time to appeal a death sentence is more humane. Alberto Gonzales knows better than anyone what it's like to spend months in limbo while the mob cries for your head.

Has Dug Escape Tunnel Through Constitution

Now, critics--critics who questions Gonzales's judgement now are hesitant to give him more power. I say, the faster he can pass judgement, the better he'll be at it. For instance, I'm a terrible driver at thirty miles an hour, which is why I drive at eighty.

But as long as we're making Gonzales a judge, let's go the whole nine yards and make him an executioner as well. He can listen in on his warrantless wiretaps, and if he hears anyone say a suspicious phrase--

Like "Habeas Corpus"

--he can then just flip a switch and send ten thousand volts right through the phone line and fry them like a bug.

Can You Hear Me Now?

He--he is already the most powerful law-enforcement officer in the country, why not make him RoboCop? A one-man justice system with super-hearing, one arm that's a steel gavel, and another that shoots lethal injections.

And to those of you who say that speeding up executions only increases the potential that innocent people will be put to death, I say Alberto Gonzales is the perfect man for the job. Because even if he executes the wrong guy, he won't be crippled by remorse. Because to feel remorse about a mistake, you have to remember the mistakes you make. Right?

[Alberto Gonzales: "I don't recall."]

And that's the Word.

8/1/07--The Word (College Credit)

2007-08-03T22:49:59Z

Stephen Colbert: Now, folks, you may not be aware of this, but I recently broke my wrist. Sadly, the night I broke it, I had already given my limo driver the night off to deliver her baby, and she wouldn't return my page. So I had an intern drive me home, and I had to make small talk. [dry heaves] I asked him his major--I assumed he'd say "coffee-fetching"; otherwise, why take an internship? But he said for now he's just taking whatever courses look interesting. It turns out these days they let college kids do anything they want. They live in coed dorms, make friends with people from different backgrounds--both in the real world and on the MyFace--and they can even eat cereal for dinner. It is chaos, and we need to address this crisis, which brings us to tonight's Word.

College Credit

College credit. Folks, in today's "anything goes" ivory towers, kids earn credit for anything. For instance, if an English major writes a poem for a class, his credit is worth just as much as an engineering major who designs a weapon that can be used to repel poets.

Like A Job

Nation, our young people are being taught that all knowledge is valuable, whether or not it leads to a promising career. But the fact is, folks, there is a real-world difference between a graduate with an advertising degree--

Account Executive In Five Years

--and one with an art history degree.

Account Executive In Six Years

Thankfully, some state universities are recognizing that, by making tuition for some majors more expensive than others. Now, according to the universities, they need to charge more for courses like business, engineering, and hard sciences because of expensive lab equipment and high faculty salaries. They say they have no choice. Now, I don't know if they have a choice; I'll leave that to the Philosophy department.

They Have Free Time, If Not Free Will

But I, for one, am excited about this. It's a breakthrough that allows me to achieve a longtime dream--arranging all fields of knowledge into a three-tiered pricing system: "marketable", "non-marketable", and "you know this is killing your parents".

Now, "marketable" is the priciest: business, engineering, and science. And whatever future professional football players major in.

Dogfighting

Then, there's "non-marketable". That's for majors like history. Why spend a lot for it when you won't get a high-paying job? Plus, if you don't learn history, evidently you're doomed to repeat it, and you'll find out what happened for free.

Are You Listening, Michael Beschloss?

Finally, the lowest tier, which includes classics, comparative literature, linguistics--basically, anything taught by someone who says he "lives to teach". Of course, if these universities really mean to revolutionize education, they should apply monetary values not just to majors, but to individual facts.

Like Alex Trebek

In French class... in French class, "hello" and "thank you" are free. You charge twenty bucks for "Please take me to the hospital--someone has stolen my insulin."

Je Voudrais Un Nouveaux Pancreas

Chemistry classes--someone speaks French--chemistry classes can charge ten dollars for how to start a combustible chemical reaction, and thirty dollars for how to stop a combustible chemical reaction.

Skin Graft Is Extra

Universities, adopt this plan. Install a card swiper on each desk. That way, if students don't have the cash, they can put it on credit.

College Credit

After all, you can't put a price on knowledge--but the market can. And that's the Word.

7/30/07--The Toss

2007-07-31T22:46:11Z

Jon Stewart: Before we go, we check in with our good friend Stephen Colbert at the Colbert Report. What do you have for us tonight, Stephen?

Stephen Colbert:

Thanks, Jon. Tonight: the latest on Iraq.
Is it in disarray? Is peace derailed?
Can we now say that Bush's war has failed?
A failure too calamitous to mock?
Or will the future bring a pleasant shock?
Will it be said democracy prevailed
And will the recent surge in troops be hailed
As more than merely running out the clock?
We'll cover that; then on the lighter side
I'll interview one plucky girl
Who's opened up a brand-new candy store.
Then weather, sports, your weekend movie guide
And finally: a water-skiing squirrel.
All that tonight on the Colbert Report.

JS: Stephen, was that--was that a sonnet?

SC: Yeah. Petrarchan. I said Elizabethan, jackass!

cr_quotes @ 2007-06-05T00:09:00

2007-06-05T04:12:41Z

"As you know, the hot dog was invented in America when a family of raccoons wandered into a toothpaste factory."

A bunch of other great quotes from tonight, but that was the only one I could remember.

3/21/07: Impeach Bush

2007-03-23T22:04:09Z

Stephen Colbert: Nation, these days you can't swing a cat without hitting someone who's grousing about the US attorney scandal. And believe me, I have tried. My apologies to Senator Patrick Leahy. And Mr. Whiskers.

The Democrats are trying to turn these firings of US attorneys into a partisan issue. But the President is above bickering. In fact, he made a generous peace offering: Karl Rove and Harriet Miers would submit to private interviews, but, quote, "...they would not take oaths, nor would a transcript be made available."

See? The President's just trying to save this country from another painful perjury trial. But there is a bigger concern here. Sir?

[clip, MSNBC, 3/20/07]
President Bush: If the staff of a president operated in constant fear of being hauled before various committees to discuss internal deliberations, the President would not receive candid advice. And the American people would be ill-served.
[end clip]

SC: Right. If the President's advisors are constantly worried about being dragged before Congress, how will they be able to advise the President to do the sorts of things that would make Congress want to drag them there?

And the President, much like a folksy Texan Yoda, is reminding Congress they must not violate the country's separation of powers.

[clip, MSNBC, 3/20/07]
President Bush: It will be regrettable if they choose to head down the partisan road of issuing subpoenas and demanding show trials.
[end clip]

SC: Show trials are the strict prerogative of the executive branch. Get your own detainees, Democrats!

Hey, and if you guys really wanna fight, then why don't you buckle on your balls like men and impeach the President? I mean, uh... Yeah. Hey, listen to that. I mean, the Republicans impeached Bill Clinton. I mean, don't you wanna get back at them for that? I mean, wouldn't that feel good? I mean, you could make President Bush just as unpopular as President Clinton was! Go ahead. Impeach him. Impeach him twice. After all, the President's been baiting you guys for six years. WMDs. Iraq. Katrina. Valerie Plame. Signing statements. Torture. Wiretaps. Secret prisons. US attorneys. I think what the President is saying is if you don't impeach him now, you guys are a bunch of pussies. Well, are you? Are you a bunch of pussies? [mouths] I think you are.

3/6/07: The Word and Threat Down

2007-03-07T21:29:14Z

Stephen Colbert: I was on the satellite last week, watching the KGET news team. Jim Scott is the best anchor in greater Bakersfield. And this following story caught my eye. It's about a Christian doctor who has some pretty strict rules for patients to follow if they want medical care. Jimmy?

[clip, KGET.com]
Voice-over: The writing is on the wall, literally. "This is a private office; appearance and behavior standard apply." And for Dr. Gary Merrill of Christian Medical Services, that means no tattoos, body piercings, and a host of other requirements. All standards he's set based upon his Christian faith.
[end clip]

SC: God does not like gum. It is why he destroyed Sodom and Gumorrah. Look it up.

Anyway, this little girl was brought in to see Dr. Merrill, but he wouldn't treat her because the mother had tattoos and piercings.

[clip, KGET.com]
Tasha Childress: She had to go that entire night with an ear infection and no medicine because he has his "policy".
[end clip]

SC: It's the age-old battle between religious conscience and amoxicillin. And it brings us to tonight's Word.

WWJD

SC: WWJD. What Would Jesus Dispense? This battle's been a long time coming, folks. All over the country, confrontations have erupted between patients and health care providers.

Not To Be Confused With Faith Healers

SC: In the past couple of years, pharmacists at major drugstore chains have refused to dispense morning-after pills. Doctors at fertility clinics in California refused to artificially inseminate gay women. In fact, the New England Journal of Medicine recently reported that many physicians don't feel they need to tell patients about legal medical procedures that they don't morally agree with.

"Don't Tell, No Hell" Policy

SC: But this latest case is a real breakthrough. It's not Christian medical professionals refusing to provide treatment they don't approve of, it's Christian medical professionals refusing to provide treatment to people they don't approve of.

Sinners In The Hand Of An Angry Doc

SC: Jimmy, put the baby back up.

[Image: Baby girl]

SC: Sorry, folks, when you look like that, what Christian physician in good conscience would treat you? Now the KGET news team are making it seem like men like Dr. Merrill are forcing religion down people's throats.

Say, Ahhmen

SC: All right. They're only saying that because of the Hippocratic Oath. They're saying that doctors have a moral obligation to treat the sick. A very Christian sentiment. Or is it? Take a look at how that oath begins:

"I swear by Apollo, Aesculapius, Hygieia, and Panacea, and I take to witness all the gods, all the goddesses, to keep according to my ability and my judgement, the following oath."

Sorry, folks, Apollo's not in the Bible.

He's in "Rocky"

SC: But you know what--you know what is in the Bible? "You shall not make any cuts in your body...nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord." Leviticus 19:28. No tattoos! God said that to some guy named Leviticus as recently as 1928! So, sorry, KGET news team, but the sin here is with the mother, not the doctor.

Immaculate Prescription

SC: No. The doctor--the doctor is just asking, "What would Jesus dispense?"

John 3:16 "For God So Tough-Loved The World..."

SC: Remember, Jesus said, "Suffer the little children to come unto me." Dr. Merrill's halfway there. He's got the children suffering.

And that's the Word.

Stephen Colbert: Which brings me to threat number one: gravity. It is not enough--it is not enough that everyone in the mainstream media is against this President. Now even the laws of physics are jumping on the anti-Bush bandwagon? 'Course, I've known about gravity's liberal bias ever since my tenth grade science teacher, Mr. Stamp, dropped a bowling ball and a feather in a vacuum. Bowling ball should definitely have won. There's only one way that feather could keep up: affirmative action.

Point is, we've lost gravity to the liberals, folks; but inertia, I hope you're listening! You of all principles of physics should know to stay the course.

This is all part of my plan to take over the Internets, a series of tubes.

2007-03-01T18:38:15Z

Hello, Nation! This is raindroproses, one of your lovely new co-mods. I just wanted to introduce myself. For those who haven't yet noticed by my frequent postings, I am a huge fan of both TDS and TCR.

I'm a pretty easygoing mod, especially for communities like these, which aren't all that busy. As long as you're not blatantly breaking rules left and right, I'm likely to let small things slide. (I don't know about newgeneration, though, so I suggest following the rules anyway. Which shouldn't be hard, as they're not too stringent in the first place.)

I'll be futzing around with the layouts of tds_quotes and cr_quotes over the next week (if that's okay with you, newgeneration!), so if there's anything you'd like to see, let me know.

Also, I've added some tags, and I'll be going back and tagging posts. In the future, please tag your posts. If a tag doesn't exist, let newgeneration or myself know, and we'll add it for you.

(Cross-posted to tds_quotes and cr_quotes.)

heeeeeeey.

2007-03-01T18:22:27Z

for those of you who are also in tds_quotes, you will know that i promised to post something in here about this, but didn't. i figured that it would be best for people in both communities, anyway.

i have decided to hand both tds_quotes and cr_quotes over to raindroproses and newgeneration .

if you have any questions, feel free to contact either of them or myself. :)

2/5/07--Intro and Stephen Junior; 2/6/07--Pray for Stephen

2007-02-21T17:17:41Z

Stephen Colbert: Tonight: climate scientist say that global warming is real. Meanwhile, I'm freezing my ass off. Explain that, science! Plus, California considers banning the light bulb. Another victory for that bastard Tesla. And I'll sit down with Wendy Kopp, founder of Teach for America. Tonight, she's gonna get taught by America. Hey, Peyton Manning, I'm going to Disney World, too! Let's go halfsies on a day pass! This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen Colbert: Nation, I'm sure you all heard about the recent power outage in Juneau, Alaska. Well, the story had a personal resonance for me. Apparently, the blackout was caused by an eagle who flew into a transmission line 'cause he was carrying a deer's head in his claws. I know what you're thinking: there's only one eagle who would even try such a stunt. My boy, Stephen Junior. Oh. Kinda looks like me.

The eagle--this is the eagle named after me by the San Francisco Zoo. I wondered, was he weighed down by the deer's head, or by his own massive cojones?

I wa--I was so scared, Nation. I knew Stephen Junior was up north. He'd slipped over the border into Canada last November. So, I went to track my boy at the Institute for Wildlife Studies' website. And take a look.

Stephen Junior's not in Alaska anymore; he's in the United States! Yeah. He must've been enticed back over the border. You see, a few weeks ago, Stephen Junior was spotted near Vancouver, so I asked the good people across the border in Bellingham, Washington, to lure him home.

[clip, The Colbert Report, 12/13/06]
SC: Residents of Bellingham, Washington, go stand at the border and wave a salmon! Or a trout!
[end clip]

SC: And they did! Take a look at this. At the Canadian border, legions of Bellingham heroes--well, five--held signs and waved fish. Thank you, Bellingham! You did it! You brought my boy back to the safety of southwestern Washington.

Wait a minute. Southwestern Washington? Jim--Jimmy, put that map back up. Is that... show me Washington's Third District! OH MY GOD! Stephen Junior's in the Fightin' Third! Represented by Democrat Brian Baird! I Better Knew him! He's a meth addict! And I happen to know he introduced something he called the "Endangered Salmon Predation Act", which would protect salmon by killing sea lions! He admits it!

[clip, "Better Know a District", The Colbert Report]
Rep. Brian Baird: I really am sorry that we're gonna probably have to do this to a small number of sea lions. I sincerely am sorry.

SC: What are sea lions except giant eagles without wings? And flippers and fur? Who swim in the water instead of fly in the sky?
[end clip]

SC: Get out of there, Junior! You're in danger! Residents of St. Helens, Oregon, stand at the Washington border and wave some fish to entice him further south. I know I said you're California's Canada, but that's all in the past. Get my boy out of there before that lunatic Congressman Brian Baird kills him.

Stephen Colbert: Now, my day--they got a little list here--my day is February 22nd, right there. They got 'em all--they got 'em all listed here. They're praying for people alphabetically--more proof that God speaks English--and, uh, I'm right here between Glenn Close and Phil Collins. The only way this could be a bigger honor is if this were 1983.

They also, uh, they also sent me something called a, uh, a "Personal Prayer Card". Here it is. Uh, let's see, uh, it's, uh, it's what people are going to be praying for me. Okay. Uh, let's see... God directing and guiding my life... uh, infuse my decisions with a strong moral sense... uh, my tremendous power and influence will be used to uplift and liberate...

Uh... okay. I don't wanna seem ungrateful, but, uh... I already have everything on this list. But I don't want this opportunity to go to waste. So, Nation, if you're one of the tens of thousands of people who are going to be praying for me on February 22nd, get out a pen. I'd like to add a few items. I'll give you second here. All right.

Ready? Okay. Please pray that God will grant me a Gulfstream IV jet. Not a Gulfstream II. There's a difference, and God knows what it is. Okay?

Second, that God will grant me the power of invisibility. I will only use it for good... Soledad O'Brien.

And pray that I may travel back in time to bare-knuckle fight Oliver Cromwell. "West of the River Shannon" my ass, you Roundhead! ...Gotta find a way to penetrate the box! Oooh. Just pray for that. Pray for this ability.

Now, let me see, let me see who else, uh, MasterMedia is praying for today. February 6th... Mel Brooks. This is perfect. He is this close to accepting Jesus Christ as his personal savior. I'm praying for you, Mel!

The Word--2/7/07

2007-02-12T17:48:36Z

Stephen Colbert: Nation, I am relieved. For a while there, it almost seemed like the Senate might pass a resolution criticising the President's troop surge. Even worse, it looked like they might talk about it. And we all know talking is a gateway to thinking. Luckily, on Monday, Senate Republicans successfully blocked the debate. Leading the Republican charge? Democrat Senator Joe Lieberman. Here's how Mr. Independent interjected the President's troop surge with a little "Joe-mentum".

[clip, C-SPAN, 2/5/07]
Senator Joseph Lieberman: What we say here in the Senate will be heard by the leaders of the thuggish regimes in Iran and Syria, and by Al-Qaeda terrorists eager to hear evidence that America's will is breaking.
[end clip]

SC: Which brings us to tonight's Word.

Silence

SC: Silence. Senator Lieberman is right about our enemies. They hang on every word that passes through the Senate chamber.

C-SPAN's Only Viewers

SC: Because they know that discussions of our president's war policy are a direct assault on our troops.

Weapons Of Mass Discussion

SC: That's why it's so vital for the Senate to say nothing. Most senators understand this. Even John Warner, who introduced the bill, voted against debating it.

Have His Surge and Hate It, Too

SC: Folks, this is the same heroic silence Congress employed back in 2003, when they first authorized the invasion of Iraq. At the time, anyone who asked questions was called a coward.

Now, They're Called Presidential Candidates

SC: Because the best way to support our troops was to send them into war without discussion.

Or Body Armor

SC: Of course, back then the war had the support of the American people. Today's Congress isn't so lucky. Over seventy percent of Americans disapprove of the way the President is handling the war.

He's Handling The War?

SC: Now, of course, the whiners will say, "But the midterm elections were a referendum on the Iraq war! The American people have spoken and shouldn't be ignored!"

They Should Be Wiretapped

SC: Well, folks, guess what?

Loretta Sanchez Is A Whore?

SC: We... we have elections because we live in a free country, and freedom is worth making sacrifices for. If that sacrifice has to be the voice of the American people, so be it! This is too important. Senator Lieberman is right.

Far Right

SC: Our enemies--our enemies are listening to what the Congress says.

Unlike The White House

SC: We went to Iraq for one reason.

WMD's?

SC: No.

9/11?

SC: No.

Someone Tried To Kill The President's Daddy?

SC: Kinda. But mostly to bring democracy to the Middle East. And it looks like the only way we can bring democracy there is to silence it here.

Silence

SC: And that's the Word.

The Word (1/30 and 1/31/07) and On Notice (1/31/07)

2007-02-02T01:42:44Z

Stephen Colbert: But you know, the Spirit's victory isn't the only one to celebrate, folks. No, we're also winning on my favorite website, Wikipedia, the encyclopedia where you can be an authority even if you don't know what the hell you're talking about. It has over one million articles, but still no entry for tonight's Word.

Wikilobbying

Wikilobbying. Last year, I defined the concept of "wikiality". When Wikipedia becomes our most trusted reference source, wikiality is just what the majority agrees upon.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Taylor Hicks!

To inaugurate wikiality, I called on you heroes to change Wikipedia entries to say that elephant populations had tripled. You responded, the entries were changed, and Wikipedia crashed.

Wikiality Bites

Now, I thought--I thought that was the end. But lo and behold, look what that page said just last week:

"Thanks to the works of Stephen Colbert, the population of elephants has tripled in the past 10 years."

We saved the elephant again, America! More proof of what happens when you bring democracy to information.

Easier Than Bringing It To Iraq

But there is another force out there so powerful that democracy orbits around it like a satellite.

Until China Shoots Them Both Down

That force is free-market capitalism. I saw this headline in last Wednesday's Washington Post: "Microsoft Offering [sic] Cash for Wikipedia Edit". Apparently, the software behemoth hired an Australian computer expert to change Wikipedia entries so they would be more favorable to Microsoft's products. Now, I know a lot of people don't trust Microsoft--

Anti-Trust Violations

--just because they've been accused of bundling software to crush smaller companies like puppies in a pile-driver.

New X-Box Game

But I'm sure people are going to start trusting Microsoft again if Microsoft just pays someone to write an entry in Wikipedia about how people are trusting Microsoft again. Of course, Wikipedia founder, Jimmy Wales, said he was, quote, "...very disappointed to hear that Microsoft was taking that approach."

Boo-hoo, comrade! Open-source software is like free trade, and the invisible hand of the market has the mouse now.

Downloading Invisible Porn

Now, others... I'm sure others out there are going to say, "Can't Microsoft's competitors just pay someone to change it back?" Exactly. IBM can throw some of their money at perception and make their product "objectively better". Then, Microsoft can just fire their cash cannons back, and we're off to the races.

On Trojan Horses

This is the essence of wikilobbying. When money determines Wikipedia entries, reality has become a commodity. And I'll give five bucks to the first person who goes on Wikipedia and changes the entry on reality to that.

"Reality Has Become A Commodity."

And to all those--and to all those who say, "That's not what reality is," I say, "Oh, really? Look it up on Wikipedia. I think you might find I'm right."

And that's the Word.

Stephen Colbert: Now, folks, I saw some disturbing news in the New York Times the other day--take a look at this: "8 percent of rams seek sex exclusively with other rams instead of ewes." Which brings us to tonight's Word.

Black Sheep

Black sheep. As in, "baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool? Yes, sir, yes, sir, and I'm pulling that wool over your eyes to further the homosexual agenda."

"We're Here. We're Sheared. Get Used To It."

You see, folks, the "rainbow warriors" out there are going to call this study another victory for their cause. Because if sheep do it, it must prove that being gay is natural, right?

Depends - Do These Sheep Bikini Wax?

Wrong. It just proves that being a sheep is unnatural. Face it, they're not in nature; they're domesticated animals. And if Brokeback Mountain is any indication, shepherds aren't exactly the best role model for these young, impressionable lambs.

"I Wish I Could Quilt You"

Okay. Besides, who funded this study?

LAMBDA?

Everyone already knows that sheep are gay. Hell, we even serve them with mint jelly. But I don't blame nature. I blame permissive sheep culture. "Everywhere that 'Mary' went, the lamb was sure to go"? Where's the masculine role model?

Little Boy Blue?

But even--even if sheep were natural, why suddenly is nature man's sexual role model? Look at the praying mantis: the female bites the male's head off after sex.

She Takes Good Head

So. Nature or nurture, it's wrong. And in protest of these homo-sheep-suals, tonight, after the show, I am burning everything I own that is made of wool. I don't wanna wear anything that makes me seem gay. And it's a real shame--I'm gonna have to get rid of my favorite sweater.

[Picture: Stephen wearing a rainbow-colored sweater]

And that's the Word.

Stephen Colbert: But the person I was happiest to be most disappointed to see was Hanoi Jane, up to her old subversive tricks. Jimmy?

[clip, 1/27/07]
Jane Fonda: Silence is no longer an option.
[end clip]

SC: Well, the war critics are finally right. Iraq and Vietnam do have something in common: Jane Fonda ruined both of them. Well, congratulations, Jane; you and your global warming buddies have changed the world. Because yesterday, you weren't on notice. Boys, bring the board out!

[On Notice board:
James Brady
Lutherans
Black Hole At Center Of Galaxy
The E Street Band
Grizzly Bears
The British Empire
Journal of Paleoliminology
Michael Adams
Todd Rundgren
Barbra Streisand
Israeli Newspapers
The Toronto Raptors]

SC: All right, I'm going to need two open spaces. Uh... okay; E Street Band--I forgive you, Nils Lofgren. And, uh... Lutherans. Uh, ever since Southern Methodist University protested the President's library, these guys have been looking a lot better. Okay. Nail that to a church door.

All right, the new--new cards; let's see what we got here... Uh, let's see, uh... uh... let's see, let's see, uh... Lee Meriwether... Werther's Originals... Here we go, Weather Channel! Okay. Weather Channel? This is gonna make you feel lower than your production values. (Get in there, you bastard.) All right! Okay. Have to have that greased.

All right. And... Jane Fonda. Fonda... Fonda... Fierstein comma Harvey... Formica... There you go! Jane Fonda! Here we go! Oh, boy. You are officially on notice. For disloyalty, treasonous words, your soft, moist lips...

I'm sorry; I blacked out. What did I just say? Oh, right. I was talking about how Jane Fonda undermines our troops, and our president, and my dreams... Stay out of my dreams! Jimmy, get that--get that dream bubble out of here! It's not helping.

Who am I kidding? I can't put Jane Fonda on notice. Not until I first put my fantasies of Jane Fonda on notice. Boys, bring out my Fantasies board!

[Fantasies Board:
Weekend With Dr. House
Duet With Justin Timberlake
Astronaut License
Jane Fonda
Colmes in GITMO
Attend Hogwarts
Golf With Nixon
Hunt Man
Wrestle Manilow
Leather Pants
Try Appletini
Baby Carrots]

SC: These are all my present fantasies; uh, you got the basics; you got, uh, Alan Colmes in GITMO; uh, hunt man. And, uh, this right, this right here, this isn't Jane Fonda; it's my fantasies of Jane Fonda. Let me tell you: they're crazy.

All right. Out you go. I'll miss you, Barbarella.

But the good news is, ladies: Fantasies board has a free slot!

1/22/07: The Word and 1/23/07: Threat Down

2007-01-26T03:54:19Z

Stephen Colbert: Last week, the, uh, Congressional canker bloomed again. The Democrats hauled Alberto Gonzales away from fighting the War on Terror just to ask him a bunch of stupid questions about something that is none of their business: fighting the War on Terror. And get this: it was about detainees' so-called "rights". Listen, once the President declares you an enemy combatant, you don't have any rights. Read your Kafka.

Arlen Specter--Senator Arlen Specter said detainees have the right of habeas corpus--that means they can challenge their imprisonment in court. But Gonzales set him straight.

[clip, C-SPAN]
Alberto Gonzales: The fact that the Constitution--again, there is no express grant of habeas in the Constitution. There is a prohibition against taking it away--
Arlen Specter: Now wait a minute, wait a minute. The Constitution says you can't take it away, except in case of rebellion or invasion. Doesn't that mean you have the right of habeas corpus?
AG: I meant by that comment the Constitution doesn't say every individual in the United States or every citizen is hereby granted or assured the right to habeas--it doesn't say that.
[end clip]

SC: You can't fight that logic. You can only make it the subject of tonight's Word: exact words.

Exact Words

I'm no fan of lawyers or their lawyer talk.

Like "Restraining Order"

I hated to see Clinton try to hide behind "depends on what the definition of 'is' is" to get away with that hummer. It's that kind of slick wordplay that got him impeached.

Also Got Him The Hummer

But Alberto Gonzales isn't like other lawyers.

Not Interested In "Law"

He's not into fancy words.

Like "Presumption Of Innocence"

And what he's saying here is completely reasonable.

To George Orwell

And folks, there's precedent. The case of Brady v. Brady.

[Picture: Brady Bunch]

In one landmark decision, Greg has been grounded from driving the car. But later his dad catches him behind the wheel of somebody else's car. Greg defends his actions before the court.

[clip, The Brady Bunch]
Greg: You said not to drive our car.
Mike: Are you telling us that would've made any difference?
Greg: It would've made it perfectly clear, yes. It's just that I wish you could've used more exact words.
[end clip]

SC: See? Greg couldn't assume he knew his father's original intent. Attorney General Gonzales is just like Greg.

Won't Have Career After This

He can only--he can only go by the Founding Fathers' exact words. For the last 200 years, activists have been finding all sorts of fake "rights" in the Constitution: Miranda rights, the right to privacy, the right to be gay--and folks, I dare anyone to find the mention of anything gay in the Constitution.

"To Provide And Maintain A Navy"?

If a right--if a right is not expressly spelled out in the document, that means we don't have it. For instance, we have a freedom of the press, but by "press" the Founding Fathers literally meant pressing ink onto paper. So if you're using a laser printer, you can legally be hauled off to GITMO.

To Have Your Hewlett Viciously Packard

Just because--just because you want the Constitution to say something doesn't mean it does. Where is Senator Specter coming from, saying there's a right to habeas corpus? It's like he's holding these truths to be self-evident! Well, the attorney general and I agree that the Constitution is very clear when it comes to the treatment of prisoners. After all, Amendment Six states, quote, "In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial..."

Hey, if the guys in GITMO aren't enjoying it--and I don't think they are--we can make their trials as slow and as private as we want.

And that's the Word.

Stephen Colbert: Threat number two: The Wizard of Oz. On Monday, Hillary Clinton spoke to her supporters in a laid-back and informal web chat in which the questions had been thoroughly vetted in a laid-back and informal way. She said one of her favorite movies is The Wizard of Oz. Well, I re-watched it recently, and I can't believe I never noticed the liberal subtext before. Judy Garland--gay icon--stars as Dorothy, an innocent girl from the Heartland, who gets swept away to a drug-induced fantasy land where's she's greeted by labor activists from the local guild. After she murders a powerful Oz official, she becomes a fugitive, hitting the road with a racially diverse group including a laborer, an animal-rights activist, and a treehugger. Who are all, for some mysterious reason, great dancers. And along the way, they get so high on poppies they think they're being attacked by flying monkeys. Folks, there's a short walk from "There's no place like home" to "It Takes a Village."

And finally, the number one threat to America: Weather.com. Specifically, their new sister website, One Degree, an entire site devoted to the myth of global warming. Hey, weather.com, I can't even trust your five-day forecast of "partly cloudy with a chance of showers." You expect me to believe your fifty-year forecast of "mostly melting with a chance of apocalypse"?

But look closely at this website and you'll see the real threat: bears. Yeah. Just take a look at their alarmist screed on the effect of melting Arctic ice on polar bears.

[clip, Weather.com]
Voice-Over: The Arctic is warming up twice as fast as the rest of the world. Researchers found polar bear populations down twenty percent...
[end clip]

SC: Pay no attention to One Degree, America. We finally have these fuzzy monsters on the run, or more accurately, on the drown. If we keep pumping the CO2 into the air, those seals will greet us as liberators.

Help Needed

2006-12-14T05:54:20Z

I have a request.... I accidentally deleted the Tuesday December 12th episode from my DVR before I could fully write down what Stephen said about his list of patriotic things to do before he dies. I found the video it should be in -- "Shout Out: Task Force Centaur" on Comedy Central's website --but it won't play for me, and it keeps murdering my Internet. So could someone type that section out for me, from just after the pledge to the end of him reading items off the list? I would really appreciate it. (I would also appreciate it if someone could track down the words to the "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" REM song parody from "Last Laugh '06", which I know is not Colbert-specific, but I was hoping to get a pass from the moderator on this one as it is at least on Comedy Central and I was having the same video issue on their website for this show too.)

Also, I collect quotes on my own so if you want to click over to my journal, they're the only entries left public. "The Colbert Report" has its own entry, so don't mistakenly try looking under the TV shows one because there was just too much Stephen goodness to be contained. All my guidelines for submitting quotes to my collection are posted too, in case anyone here cares to venture outside of this community.

cr_quotes @ 2006-12-05T22:33:00

2006-12-06T04:33:59Z

"The truth is contagious...and I haven't washed my hands in days! This is the Colbert Report!"

cr_quotes @ 2006-10-19T15:37:00

2006-10-19T19:38:12Z

Does anyone remember that soviet russia joke stephen did? I think it was last week or monday. If you know it please let me know.

Icon..

2006-10-12T08:16:37Z

Yep. I'm such a dork, I even made an icon to commemorate the evening:

Feel free to take if you like. It might be nice if you credited, but meh- enjoy. Do what you will. ;)

October 11, 2006

2006-10-12T06:12:57Z

"No one expects dinosaurs in space!"

-Stephen, proudly highlighting his creative genius before one "George L.", following the latest installment of the Tek Jansen series.

The Word -- October 3rd, 2006

2006-10-07T07:10:12Z

Yes, Henry Kissinger is back in the White House. And that can only mean one thing. It's time for tonight's Word.

Experience

Experience.

Folks, whether you're talking about making the perfect martini,

Light On The Vermouth

or fighting the perfect asymmetrical war,

Light On The Troop Levels

you have to listen to experience.

Except To John McCain On Torture

And you know, Henry Kissinger has plenty of experience fighting an insurgency.

Been There, Napalmed That

As Nixon's national security advisor, he came into a tough situation - Vietnam. We were going to lose that war, but with his help, it wound up a tie.

They Got Vietnam, We Got "Good Morning, Vietnam"

Point is, he gave America peace with honor and that's exactly what we need in Iraq. Not that Iraq is anything like Vietnam.

Nam=Wet
Iraq=Dry

They are different. They're as different as butter and margarine.

I Can't Believe It's Not Vietnam! ®

But, folks, I'll tell ya, Kissinger's experience with Vietnam taught him something very valuable --

That Kent State Is In Ohio

That we lost Vietnam because we lost our will.

And Our Steve,
And Our Chuck,
And Our John...

And you know, Mr. Kissinger has not been shy about passing on his knowledge to President Bush. He told the president, "The only meaningful exit strategy in Iraq is victory." And you know folks, we must have a meaningful exit strategy.

To Go With Our Meaningless Entrance Strategy

All we have to do is follow the blueprint Kissinger has from his years serving Nixon. First, we do some wiretapping.

Check

Then, some secret bombings in a neighboring country.

Heads=Syria
Tails=Iran

And maybe, just maybe, overthrow a South American goverment, killing their leader.

Give Chavez a Chile Reception

Of course, Kissinger can't do it alone. We have to reunite the entire supergroup of the Nixon administration. We already have Kissinger, Cheney and Rumsfeld. We just need to get Colson, Liddy, and Haig. We could even thaw out Checkers.

[picture of Nixon with Checkers, a cocker spaniel]

With the Nixon team back at the helm, this war will end the best way possible.

Impeachment

And that's the Word.

The Word--Lose (9/20/06)

2006-09-22T22:22:02Z

Stephen Colbert: Midterm elections are only a month and a half away, and the pundits are all atwitter over the possibility of one or even both houses of Congress going to the Democrats. "Ooooh!" they say. "Disaster looms for the Republicans!" they say. Well, let me tell you something: speaking in a high-pitched voice doesn't make something true.

I've got a foolproof way for the Republicans to win. And it's tonight's Word: lose.

Lose

Lose. Let's face it: the government is a mess.

Like A Hurricane Hit It

And with Republicans in control of the White House and the Congress, there's only one party for the voters to blame. I say these upcoming piddly-poo midterms don't even matter.

Like Congress

I mean, folks, did you know that in midterm elections you don't even get to vote for the president?

Unless Using Diebold Machine

But two years from now, when you can vote for the president, the Republicans will need a platform.

Hopefully With A Trap Door

And rather than running on their record, of the war or the deficit, it'll be much easier to run against the do-nothing Democratic Congress we elected in 2006. I mean, those Democrats ruined everything.

For The Richest 1%

And you know what? I'm not the only one who thinks this is a good idea. In this month's Atlantic Monthly, analyst Chuck Todd writes, "...some of the best avenues to winning in 2008 involve losing in 2006." And just last week, conservative columnist Ramesh Ponnuru (friend of the show) wrote in the New York Times, quote, "A straight loss...would make the Republicans hungrier and sharpen their wits."

Hungry Republicans. When's the last time you heard that phrase?

At NRA Dinner

But... It's true. Losing always makes you fight harder the next time around.

I'm Coming For You, Manilow!

So. Let's, um... let's say we lost the war in Iraq. That would just make our troops sharper and hungrier for the war in Iran.

And Losing That Would Make Them Hungry For Syria

But the best thing--the best thing about Republicans losing control of the House?

The Republicans Losing Control of The House?

Well, I think National Review columnist Jonah Goldberg said it best. Quote,

[Picture: Nancy Pelosi]

"A Pelosi-run House could horrify voters."

[Picture: Pelosi with a really ugly wig. (Yeah, it loses a little in translation.)]

So. I never thought I'd be saying this, but Republicans, get out there and lose those Congressional seats. Revisit some of your big backfires. Like Terri Schiavo. There's gotta be another woman who's famous for being in a vegetative state.

[Picture: Paris Hilton]

And don't... and don't let people forget about the Abramoff thing.

[Picture: Bob Nay]

Ohio Congressman Bob Nay's doing his part. Last week he pleaded guilty to taking bribes, but he's not resigning his office, and Majority Leader John Baynor isn't calling for it. Nicely done, gentlemen. You've got to sell the culture of corruption!

Should Be Easy After Selling A War

Most of all, President Bush--President Bush, you can help. Get out there and campaign for your fellow Republicans. Remind the voters, these guys stood by you, and you're going to stand by them!

Even If They Beg You Not To

Folks, there's nothing shameful about losing. Sometimes losing can be glorious. Remember, you Republicans are the party of Jesus.

And Will Be Crucified on 11/7

It may look... it may look like you die, but in 2008, you will rise again. Just like the Lord.

Lord Voldemort

And that's the Word.

Aug 14 quote

2006-08-15T13:10:11Z

Did anyone happen to catch the quote about freedom fries last night? It was something about how calling them freedom fries was arguably this congress' greatest accomplishment? I knew it when it went by, but now it's totally out of my memory.

cr_quotes @ 2006-08-10T18:26:00

2006-08-10T23:26:54Z

Does anyone have the Dirt Devil quote from last night?

cr_quotes @ 2006-07-19T11:29:00

2006-07-19T15:29:43Z

This isn't really a quote but it made my life.

http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=71830

cr_quotes @ 2006-07-14T13:27:00

2006-07-14T17:27:52Z

OMG this is crazy...

Colbert to Jon Stewart
"Shut your mouth mister, you say her name again and I'll kill you!!!"

LOL...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dG5i_UJXCo

Fast Food Restaurant Lawsuits

2006-07-12T21:20:48Z

Think of our children Jon. Our fat lazy children.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chKYMkkFqYk

cr_quotes @ 2006-07-12T00:35:00

2006-07-12T05:37:04Z

"We don't want our girls counting-after that, it's a slippery slope to multiplying."