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Mangled ~Poetry

BERJAYA
BERJAYA

Translucent memories

Stained by the wrought

Mangled by

The thought

What I thought

About the thoughts

To taunt my brain

Memories untamed

No human should have this kind of sprain in their brain

Shame!

Shame!!

Shame!!!

β€˜Cause sensations knows my name from past games

Mind calling self all kinds of dirty names

Wrapped in kink

Scum and cum

Who have I become

I’ve dozed into this trap

It’s a sadistic handicap

Please wake me from this memory gap

What’s the coordinance?

I’m trying to find my way back to consciousness

What’s the hypothesis

~~~

Mangled by the thought

What I thought about the thoughts

What’s your coordinance?

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I Searched for You ~ Poetry

BERJAYA
BERJAYA

I’ve searched for stones
Limping from broken bones
I laid bare searching for something so rare
~~~
I stood on peaks vista’s and mountainsΒ 
I lowered myself in valleys
I bathed in historical mystical fountains
~~~
Searching for you
~~~
I walked dangerous terrain
I kept going even while searching with a broken brain
~~~
I roamed from day till dusk
This was not about lust
Much more about trust
I was in the muck and mire
Burning with desire
~~~
I laid bare searching for something so rare
I honored the sabbath and respected your status
I mantra’d the lords prayer
I prayed while scared
I covered my hair
I lowered my eyes conscience of the devils glare
I searched and searched but the gods weren’t playing fair
I paced the valley of the kings searching for rings and pretty things
I made a declaration to a nation through meditation
I ignored sexual sensations
I refrained from masturbation
I nurtured generations
I promoted positive vibrations
I wrote away self-hatred and internal allegations
~~~
While searching for you
~~~
I laid bare searching for something so rare
I was overcome with despair
~~~
I searched for stones
Limping from broken bones
~~~
I was longing for belonging

I was

~~~

Desperately
~~~
Searching
~~~
For you

Waiting for You – Poetry
Infected By Love- Poetry
These poems are all connected ❀
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Waiting for You – Poetry

BERJAYA
BERJAYA

How long can I wait for you

To see the sun turn grey

Nights running into my days

Waiting for you

***

Eyes sealed tight
Holding on to a maybe or might 
Sending smoke signals hoping you’re alright 
***

I died

Waiting for you
***

To feel my heart beat cold

Pressure building from all the lies that you’ve told

And I wait

While this evil consumes me

Infected By Love- Poetry
I Searched for You ~ Poetry
These poems are all connected ❀
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Infected By Love- Poetry

BERJAYA
BERJAYA

I sacrificed myself on the altar and begged God to give me back my soulΒ 

I wondered this wilderness I was lost in the fold

I wrote pages and pages till it became a scroll
***

Love had games

Hung me by nooses and invisible chains 

I’ve become a walking noise maker from the residue that jingles in my hollow veins 

***

Love took its toll 

Felt lessons left mud prints in my fractured  soul 

Half of a heart does not make a whole 

***

Sadness compromised me times 3

Left miles and miles still cleaning up debris 

August was a long month felt like years 

Found myself floating on a life raft

Damn near drowned in my own tears 

***

Till life felt like a plague 

So I saged

And I saged 
I burned incense

It lingered 

But the hurt still stayed 

I was compromised and delayed 

Rigamortis set in and even the neighbors could smell the decay 

***

I sacrificed myself on the altar and begged God to give me back my soul 

I wondered this wilderness I was lost in the fold

I wrote pages and pages till it became a scroll

I fasted I starved myself and I paced the floor some more

I talked to myself and searched for riddles beyond hidden doors
I spoke to the gods and whispered to the moon

I cried rivers and laid prostrate singing holyΒ across empty tombsΒ 

I bled myself trying to rid myself of this atrocity
I showed my self approved spewing with generosity

I walked on hot coals I detoxed myself I stopped eating meat

The congregation stood in line while I washed every members feet

I even cut my locs out

But I was still left 

Hung 

Heavy

Burdened

I was without 

I did all this trying to replenish my broken soul 

I will one day find a way out of this deep dark lonely hole 

I’ve been infected 

By 

Love

Waiting for You – Poetry
I Searched for You ~ Poetry
These poems are all connected ❀
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The Playground – Poetry

BERJAYA
BERJAYA

Sandy plays here

Much to my chagrin

Her little pale white dress gets dirty

Perhaps if I were here long enough

I too

Would have allowed myself to get dirty

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Wired – Poetry W/Audio

BERJAYA
BERJAYA

Wires Hang me from lines

Feeling my dysfunction

Misused like concubines
***

Movement sublimes and gesture persuade this tri-polar mind
While

A thesaurus of recordings memoirs and movies wait cynically for the right time
***
They all submit to my personalities
SHHHHHHHH
They’re listening
Systematically
***
Waiting for transistors to align

Always skilled at entering occupied areas

In spite of danger signs
***

!PARANOID!
***

And church can’t sooth me
***

Secret missions scythe my mind and carve 666 in a pattern down my spine

Behind enemy lines

Camouflaged into the walls

Something dragged me aimlessly down haunted halls

Where faces plague me
Past images degrade me

And force me to repeatedly listen to Blue October

Hate me
***

My emotions betray me
Then my thoughts berate me
I go adrift and they sedate me
And sensations date rape me
***

Till I wonder to nowhere

And everywhere

And become wonder woman

Doing 100 on 71 South

Demons position curse word to my mouth
***

I live in this hell
This hell!

Critically tryna’ blink myself into a southern bell
***

God made me ugly so He could love me

And you can hate me

I despise ever being born

I’m constantly
And consistently

Begging God

To please relieve me of this thorn

!Paranoid!

Release me from this mind carved storm

Edited 1/7/2014
Edited 4/9/2019
Edited 3/16/2023

Edited 1/7/2014
Edited 4/9/2019
Edited 3/16/2023

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https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/canvas-thinktankpoetry?si=9de24084a3b248bf809dbcfc23af9193&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing

mentalnotes1's avatarmentalnotes1

3 things you need to know about Sexual Soul Ties

Light lily’sΒ breeze through his buildings

Turning his mouth cotton candy

Was a moon to me that exhaled my essence?

With laughter

From embarrassment

Or

From an hour glass

Timeless image

Faded photograph

That blew butterflies thru my frame

And sat me on pipes thrusting pulsed between my brains

Not even the roughest twister

Can tame

His hurricane

That paints

AΒ picture

Of Her

View original post

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Sculpting – Poetry

BERJAYA
BERJAYA

If I could sculpt myself a tear

I’d make it audible

Allowing even the deaf to hear

***

If I could sculpt myself a tear

I’d paint it purple

Signifying royalty

And make all the blue disappear

***

If I could sculpt myself a tear

I’d relinquish loneliness

And mix this liquid with a prayer  

***

If I could sculpt myself a tear

I’d give it an automatic reset

So that it would never be in need of repair

***

If I could sculpt myself a tear

I would never create it

Cold

And salty

Like

This wicked world

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I don’t write sweet poems ~ Poetry

BERJAYA
BERJAYA

Chairs window pains and picture frames hold secrets
~~~
Misunderstood with tradition and verbs
~~~
Rifts creeks crevices and curves obey commands and surgically implant paranoia with bad words
~~~
I can see invisible people watching me hiding in the seams
~~~
While drums beat heavy from the rear of my twisted dreams

~~~

Naturally it’s the thing I wear

~~~

Everything is not always as beautiful as it may appear
~~~
I whisper truth to myself and pretend not to hear

~~~

Till poetry becomes aggressive and lines become smeared
~~~
Time has no expiration date and statute of limitations don’t exsist

~~~

Don’t ever get distracted it’s not always easy to resist

~~~

The thoughts

~~~

And I don’t write sweet poems

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I Waited for November (dVerse) Audio

BERJAYA

Painting by Edward William Cooke, Venice, A November Evening in the Lagoon (1859)

BERJAYA

I waited

She said this was the safest place

It was 1800 hours and I felt the sadness engulf me

As I looked on past the sunset

Blank with guilt

I waited

And I waited

And I waited for her

Days came

And they went

The sun shifted

And it bent

I talked to the gods

Bowed my head hopeful this would be rectified if I repent

But the water

Froze still

And the quiet consumed me

And I knew

She was gone

But 

…

I waited

https://dversepoets.com/2022/11/29/poetics-the-landscape-sleeps-ekphrastic-prompt/
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Way Side (Written for dVerse Poets)

BERJAYA
BERJAYA

The night was lost

Drowning in this noise 

Aiming to lose this fight

Lost in the dark of sight

Can’t make out what’s wrong with the right

I passed Sally from 21st and 7th Ave.

There was nothing funny in this world can’t muster up a laugh

Henry and Veronica moved pass me slow and tried to graze my eyes

So I kept walking and talking to the ground

Somebody’s daughter was lost never to be found

Buried in these streets

The hustle and bustle of New York night left me blank in thought

I can’t hear my thoughts

But they whispers to me bad words 

And beat me in my dreams

And reminds me what’s wrong with this night

That I’m mangled with these streets can’t win this fight

And I can’t keep sharing my whiskey with Henry and Veronica only makes things risky for a drought

And I howl mamma’s favorite 70’s song to the wind and tell New York traffic my woes

I give pedestrians the blues just for show

I can’t wake myself

Fallen

This life takes too long

And reminds me

I’ve been left by the wayside

https://dversepoets.com/2022/10/04/poetics-allen-ginsberg-and-the-beat-generation/

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Widowed – Poetry


My ring finger holds a secret

A lingering

To be remembered

Opposite side

It sits heavy

Where two worlds collide

My right hand is covered

But my ring finger died

There is no growing season

Twilight moons have become full grown

The growl in my aches have turned full blown

I am childlike from these moans

My pen and paper have turned stones

From the weight of this wind

And death has become my companion

Widowed

***
https://www.eterneva.com/resources/what-to-do-with-wedding-ring-after-spouse-dies

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Nauseous (Poetry)

mentalnotes1's avatarmentalnotes1

Γ‰motions * #Artistsupportpledge, Drawing by eza-drawart | Artmajeur

Nauseous from all the sour men I’ve eaten

Understanding my belly more because of them it’s deepened

Watching others cope by cutting while I watch the blood seeping

Tired from this nod spend all my time sleeping

I’ve been confused, panicked and afflicted

Poor me another so I become estranged and addicted

Lady Sings the Blues was my song

Tryna’ wait on God but He seems to take too long

Dancing would have been nice if it wouldn’t have sickened my brain

Spirituality gone wild need a lion trainer to tame

Moonless nights and sunless days

So she plays

And she played

And he paid

Running from her Shadow Knights turning into days

And he stays

Then he strays

So she prays

An evil trick left me sick nervous click felt time tick

Took me days and days till Dawn the universe spinning there’s no Harmony lost in my yawn

View original post 14 more words

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BERJAYA

BERJAYA

Image result for abortion artwork

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/remembering#share

As I sat on the edge of my bed praying for redemption

I felt the knot in my gut spring up in my soul

My body went cold and the memories took control

And I asked God for forgiveness because only He knew what I did

And the people who did it…

I got rid of that thing because I knew it was his

And I hated him

The thing was a monster

I wanted it gone

I wanted it dead

But still so much a part of me

I did not want the world to see

What this man planted in me

I laid still frozen on my back

While I heard the chants from the windows

From murmurs priest and Catholic’s

Screaming

MURDERER!

As one single tear drop fell from my eye

And collided pass my ear and slid down my neck

And froze itself right there

Tickling my neck

But this was not funny

And I dare not even crack a smile

I laid frozen on my back as the chants got louder

I refuse to cry because that would have been an admission of

Of…

Of…

Of something I dare not admit with this tongue

The thing was a monster

I wanted it gone

I wanted it dead

But still so much a part of me

This thing that lived inside of me

Was haunting me

And I heard him whisper

You are beautiful, as he brushed my hair to the side

Every night at 3 o clock in the morning

And I was mourning for my innocents

That I lost a long time ago

Now I live with this thing

This thing

This monstrous thing!

I just knew I’d be free…

As I laid there flat on my back

Spread eagle

Waiting for this thing to exit my womb

I wanted to bury it,,,

Tie a chain to it

And throw it in the sea

OF THE FORGOTTEN

AND THE FORGIVEN

So it can never again resurface

I was praying to have not

One

Single

Memory

Of this event

But here

I lay

20 Years Later

Still

Flat on my back

REMEMBERING…

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BERJAYA

Related image

He made me feel like I was in dream

With a lot of gentle

Mixed with a just enough mean

He touched me softly

And my nibbles arose

He even asked me if he could suck my toes

He was nothing like the last man Β I choose

He sucked on my nibbles

Like cherries to the seed

I was hungry for this ocean in me to be freed

I rolled over, trying to shift my weight

I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming

It felt like I was in some kind of dream state

He kissed my neck

And he made me moan

He looked in my eyes

Challenging my sensual tone

I tried to get up but he pinned me down

And all I heard was nasty, wet slurping sounds

He had me wet and paralyzed to the bed

His face disappeared and all I saw was his head

Finally he came up for air and kissed me onΒ my face

I pulled him closer because I wanted to taste

AndΒ I licked his face leaving non of me to waste

I laidΒ back screaming

Because his tongue felt so good

I really wanted to cum

I really felt like I could

He said

You better not cum

But every emotion in me won

When heΒ went back down

And I began to scream

And I was pissed off when the flight attendant woke me

Realizing

It was only

Just

A dream

Β 

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BERJAYA

THANK YOU FOR THE INSPIRATION http://shackledandcrowned.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/friendship/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNoiZAFNYn4

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/a-thousand-miles-of-highway

TrΓ³jkowy Ekspres - David Bowie & Iman by Bruce Weber, 1995. | Facebook

We were like a thousand miles of highway

With never ending transitions

A tunnel

A pathway

To everywhere

I know we’ve been in la-la land

Somewhere far away on our journey to love

Random tokens of affection straddle my shoulder

And trickle down my spine

And I know he sees my silhouette dancing slowly for the moon

And yesterday he made love to me from across the room

And it was beautiful

Like all the times before

And it was nothing fancy but so much more

We were like a thousand miles of highway

Riding somewhere pass the end of the earth

Falling

We were…

We were…

We were falling in love

We played footsies from across the room

And he smelled me

Because I was his perfume

And no amount of turmoil could penetrate our portal

We were only mere mortals

But we were in love

When he touched me I felt his protection

This was not about sex

But so much more

We were exempt from

Economics

Social acceptability

Or prejudice

He was my white

And I was his black

And there were no β€œGrey Areas”

We were in a magic place

We were…

On a thousand miles of highway

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Dis-Order (Poetry)

BERJAYA

BERJAYA

I eat to make the pain fade today
And the dragon in my belly
Plays monstrous villains
Till all my emotional scares fade away
You’ll never understand why I eat the way I do
Don’t try and diagnose me
Because I will eat you away too
I will vomit till my face turns blue
Tryna’ forget that I hate you
And that I hate myself too

DIS-ORDER

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BERJAYA

My Dr. told me I had a nervous bleeding in my brain

The judge told me I was criminally insane

I knew some of my crazy was from the cocaine

See I’ve had my lover tied up in the basement for, only God knows when

I looked at him and said…

YOU WILL STAY WITH ME AND YOU’LL STAY UNTIL THE VERY END

How Fiction Taught Me To Be a Good Person – BookNotes and FootMarks

Crying clowns and morbid sounds

Crows above

And blood filled tubsΒ 

Mask and cutting glass

Black moons and poison mushrooms

Empty rooms filled with witches brooms

A jackals tale seeing acid trails

A dirty deed planted with demonic seeds

A haunted trust with piercing thrusts

Gagged with rags and gasoline bags

Heart melting eyes singing cryptic lullabies

Tormented mimes with twisted spines

Sickening rhymes with catholic chimes

A fantasy reversed with a witches curse

A dog moon with hidden rooms

A serpent’s tail stuffed with human cells

A joker’s laugh after its evil craft

A rotten kiss with blood filled lips

An evil moon staring at us from the basements tomb

I bound his mouth with tape

I looked around him things starting to take shape

Shift shaper and hate makers whisper in my ear

I stopped taking my meds and things don’t seem real clear

I rub my eyes trying hard to stay awake

My body trembled and my hands began to shake

My Dr. told me I had a nervous bleeding in my brain

The judge told me I was criminally insane

I knew some of my crazy was from the cocaine

See I’ve had my lover tied up in the basement for, only God knows when

I looked at him and said…

YOU WILL STAY WITH ME AND YOU’LL STAY UNTIL THE VERY ENDΒ 

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I’m chasing you

To catch up to a memory

Where drums beat cartwheels through my heart

And love has trapped me in a pianos tune

We sip mushrooms

And plant seeds of hope

For all who doubt

That we are in love

And if loving you pass eternity isn’t enough

I will come back

In another life

And love you again

I’m chasing you

To catch up to a memory

Where drums beat cartwheels through my heart

And love has trapped me in a pianos tune

For all who doubt

That we are in love

I will come back

In another life

And love you again

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For Halloween I want to be a morphine drip

To let the sun dry me up

And run healing through this broken cup

But there is no sun in October

And the weather is always better after the rain

The atmosphere is clearer

But the environment stays the same

Β 

For Halloween I want to be a morphine drip

And sip on tomorrow

And lend out me

And get back things people have barrowed

I want to empty this dripΒ 

And let go of Eden that holds on to me with a death grip

The Garden of Eden was not a place

But an atmosphere

And things are not always as beautiful as they may appear

Β 

For Halloween I want to be a morphine drip

So I can crawl backwards through my veins

And nod sluggishly off into corrosion

Mixing this chemical with the rain

Β 

I want to be a morphine drip

To plunge into this open rip

Keep me filled to slow this painful trip

Β 

Drip into this wrought

And saturate every

Contaminated

Delusional

Unclean

Thought

Β 

Drip until you can only see the whites of my eyes

Please don’t touch me

Because everything that enters meΒ dies

So keep me planted in this metaphoric drip

Because October will soon be gone

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BERJAYA

BERJAYA

My love is

Deeper than an oceans waveΒ 

To pave a twisters fall

Tides cave

And lovers wave

From beyond this epic crawl

Paradox hold shoulders

Under an oceans rock

And that’s why my love for you will always be

Deeper than any world

A fantasy can unlock

Deeper than an ocean

Happy Mothers Day ❀

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BERJAYA

BERJAYA

Even robots cry

To dance through a metals wave

To bend iron cast down

Built ships through this junk filled maze

Awaiting rust

Standing still from yester years decay

Rainbows have rain

Rain has dirt

But robots have peopleΒ 

Who feel nothing

Even when they hurt

Β 

Even robots cryΒ 

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BERJAYA

FYI:Β  https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2013/05/23/tears-poem/

I call her sad and troubled, she is beautiful and her face has inspired many pieces.

So here she is again (:

BERJAYA

Β Tears weighing heavy

Β Was the crooked tilt of judgments scales

I could feel the rust that sired me in between my harnessed vial

I wanted love but hate was the only boat that sailed

Rotted flint

Air came

Then went

Teasing sensations

That leaned

Then bent

Cement

That became

Part of me

Sunk Deep were fragments of

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

BERJAYA

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

BERJAYA

Sunk Deep were fragments of

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

BERJAYA

Rotted flint

Air came

Then went

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MISTRESS – POETRY

BERJAYA

Sad Woman - Paint By Number - PaintingByNumbersKit.COM

I fell in love the moment I met him

I knew he wasn’t mines

But he grew on me

Like a 19th century bottle of

Old money kind’a wine

She knew about us for years

And for years she took a back seat

Because she knew without me

His heart was strangely weak

He was a police officer

And in the line of duty, he was shot

I screamed!

Please tell me he is not dead!

Please tell me he is not!!

He laid in the hospital

In that dreadful coma for 20 long weeks

It was not her body he longed for

Between those hospital sheets

It was hard for her to deny

Because she knew if she did not find me

Her husband would surely die

This woman knew he was in love with me

And only wanted her husband to survive

So willing to do anything

To keep her husband alive

She grabbed his phone

Braced herself

And stood up on her feet

She sought me out knowing

His heart was strangely weak

I laid with him

And she approved of me

In that hospital bed

She silently requested help

And pushed me towards his bed

A few days later he awoke

I jumped up from between the sheets

And it killed her

As she looked on

Knowing

I was the reason

His heart still beat

Its been three years now

And she is still his wife

And everyday

I regret the day

I saved that bastard’s life!

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BERJAYA

BERJAYA

I am a writer, and the joy of being a writer is having some versatility. I get to write about whatever I want, and hope you, the reader, can find some common ground. β€œMy Avatar” is dark; she is the little girl that lives in me, she is a spoiled, rotten, weird, little brat.Β  She is all my fears and a product of every person who ever hurt me. She is all my resentments I still work so hard to let go of still today. She is a product of every man that ever broke my heart, starting with my father.

She is the product of a mother who was murdered and a father who was never around. β€œMy Avatar” the character is a lot of things, but most of all she is afraid. She is afraid of you and she is afraid of the woman in me that continues to discipline her. β€œMy Avatar” is more than a little dark. I love this project because it challenged me as a writer to write about something different.

When I read books, stories and poetry I often wonder if the people are anything like what or who they write about. Of course we are our characters on some level.

I had to put this footnote in this book. I had some friends who I trust to critique some of my writings ask me if I was alright. That made me smile; an effective writer should impact the reader. I believe I had done that. My hope is it will impact you the same way it did my friends who critiqued my manuscript. Of course I am ok, just me doing what I love to do, write.

WELCOME TO MY PEACEFUL INSANITYThis Giant Man and Creepy Little Girl | American horror story seasons, American horror story, American horror story freak

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-poetry#play

Why give me this body that imprisons my soul?

I Rome this bruised space hiding from my own disgrace

That spills over in my world

That only knows me as a little girl

But I am a woman!

And I know because I have the scarsΒ to prove it

I have titts and ass like an hour glass

And puberty has been years passed

But I am still a little girl

And my avatar wants to leave because I won’t let her breathe

Smothering her with my fears of

Today …

Tomorrow…

And most of all yesterday

But she stays to play anyway

Realistic

Misogynistic

Can’t stand her because

She is protected

By her avatar

My avatar loves to come out and play

While keeping all the bad people away

Sugar and spice was a fantasy that had been reversed

By an evil curse that keeps sick lyrics playing in my brain

Shame

Shame is I can’t hide from my hazel eyes

That keep seeing me down this wicked path

Where gargoylesΒ were supposed to make me feel safe

And hide me from my tortured fate

And only they know where I’ve been

As my OCD forces me to repeat things

Over

And over

And over again

My avatar plays double dutch, patty cake, hide and seek

And plays these tapes over and over in my mind sometimes for weeks

Non-stop

That’s when my watched stopped

And froze me right there

For pedestrians to stop and stareΒ at me in my obliviance

Ollie-ollie in come free

Is what they scream at me

deeming

Me

Broken

While I’m smoking up on yesterday

And my avatar

She comforts me in my

Disobedience

She comforts me

In my deviants

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-3-poetry#

This twisted kiss

I’m hatingΒ this

Exposing all this fckin’ shit

The word play

The comments today

Lead me down a path of twisted no where’s

With share and likes

But who is it that really sits behind that pc

From my solace carries malice

But you wouldn’t know just by reading me

Never seeing me but looking thru me

From my reality

My Avatar

She waves goodbye to me

Only a morbid sign

OfΒ rotten chimes

Sounds of angels

But the root is mangled

And I will never be granted my wings

Because off all the bad things I’ve seen

As I watch her play on that wicked and rusted swing

Posting this shit for you to read between what’s caught

TheΒ twisted thoughts

A fckin’ sadist

Β Is how I made this

Sick game

For her own personal gain

Re-lived

Innocents

Free me from this dark cloud ofΒ razor blades

Anxiety and depression

Living in this lesson

That I tainted with my ownΒ haunted files

I only needed her for a little while

Now bats circle my bed

Like a storm brewingΒ over my head

AndΒ stewing in suicidal thoughts

Caught in a web

That keeps me isolated

Gabriel keeps trying to get me to journey the map

It’s a silly trap and I remember the road that it traveled for way too long

Singing hate me by Blue October http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu

Left

Right

And none are right so I lose sight

Of what’s right with the wrong

And I listen while crying to Blue October’s song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu

Hate me

Β 

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-4-poetry#play

Hate me for loving you and losing me

I can’t stand the saying it

It’s gonna be what it’sΒ gonna be

Fckin’ misogynistics!

I risk it

My mind

Screams

Get the fckin’ razor blades and just end this fckin’ shit

My avatar sings lullabies as the thoughts slowly persist

Somewhere pass my rain

Getting high on cocaine

While singing

Fuc the world and this little girl

I use as protection

She is my reflection

She is my avatar

My perfection

I muse just to confuse

Traveling roads with agonisticΒ fools

Β I was the one who was lost

And left behind

With this ghost

That was not free

Because my avatarΒ refused toΒ grow up withΒ me

My adversaries wanted to marry me and carry me pass my expiration date

But it was fateΒ that tipped the scales

And did all that it could to release me from my cell

Faith led me back to my avatar that tucked me away

Safe

In a deep denialΒ 

Filed

Memories

Confidential and sadistic

If you are lost by these words

You may need to read this again

Because you missed it

Go ahead

Read it again

And relive my insanity

Over

And overΒ 

And over again

If it’s too hard for you to find

Here is a hint

It’s hidden

Hidden somewhere betweenΒ these twisted lines

Somewhere mangled with theΒ rhyme

I need a hospital to sooth my broken lows

From black coals free-basin’Β in my soul

And I need something beautiful

Like henna

Or a wedding song to keep me in my fantasy

Misogynism romances me

Dances with me

DeceivesΒ me

And never leaves my side

My avatar seems so free

She laughs at my anxiety

While my OCD has me counting

Every

Memory

SinceΒ 1983

And they lied to me

So I shower

Obsessively

Over

And over

And over again

And I’m well aware

That I’m fckin’ weird

My avatar keeps me safe

While I live inside this twisted place

MY AVATAR PART 2

MY AVATAR ( POETRY W/ AUDIO PART 1)

MY AVATAR (POETRY PART 3 W/ AUDIO)

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/my-avatar-part-4/

Featured post
Featured 1

Crucible #1 ~ Poetry

BERJAYA
BERJAYA


The fire was never the story
The story was waking up
The next morning
With smoke in my lungs
Ash in my hair
And still choosing
To move forward

The fire thought it had its chance
To turn my life to circumstance
It left its mark and drifted by
Like fading clouds across the sky
Every scar was not by choice
Now every wound became my voice

Crucible ~

A crucible isn’t just fire. It’s the part of life that should have destroyed you but didn’t. It’s addiction, grief, betrayal, poverty, loss, loneliness, trauma, disappointment, and all the unseen things people carry. The crucible is the transformation that happens because of the flame. A crucible is the place where suffering test what you’re made of and resilience reveal what you become.

Crucible ~

2

Protect-Her ❀️~ Poetry

BERJAYA

BERJAYA

The world may never understand
The pressure resting on a man
To stand unbroken through the storm
And keep his family safe and warm
Not every hero seeks applause
Or fights for glory or a cause
Some just simply stay in the day
To pay the bills without delay

So on this Father’s Day we see
The strength beneath humility
The man who bore what we could not
And gave us all he had and got
For every burden he concealed
For every wound he never revealed
May he be honored for his part
The quiet giant with a faithful heart

11

Where The Light Goes ~ Poetry πŸŒ€

BERJAYA
BERJAYA
Photo By Bob ~ See link below 🌀


I wondered then as shadows grew
If the heavens mourn their losses too
If every sunset softly grieves
For all the dreams the daylight leaves
The world keeps turning sure and blind
While yesterday falls far behind
Yet every ending paints the sky
As if to teach us how to die
Not with fear or clenched despair
But like the light dissolving there
A golden surrender calm and deep
Into the arms of endless sleep
Perhaps the clouds are souls set free
Crossing a vast celestial sea
Their silent voyage leaves no trace
Yet fills the void with quiet grace
And maybe all we’re meant to know
Is hidden in that amber glow
That what departs is not undone
The night remembers every sun
For even when the daylight slips
Beyond the world’s dark fingertips
Its fire remains in skies above
A lingering testament of its love
So I stood still as evening sighed
And watched the dying light abide
For some things leave yet somehow stay
Like truth like hope like yesterday

PHOTO OF THE DAY – 12/03/25

6

Those Who Wander Are Not Always Lost ⭐️~ Poetry πŸ’«

BERJAYA
BERJAYA

The moon became my confidant
The stars my scattered guides
While secrets slept in velvet night
And ghosts walked by my side
I gathered pieces of the dark
Like treasures from the deep
Black feathers from forsaken dreams
And promises I could not keep
For darkness never judged my scars
Nor questioned where I’d been
It wrapped me in its sable cloak
And welcomed every sin
Yet hidden in its hollow halls
A strange devotion grew
For darkness was not empty space
It was a mirror too
And there I saw my truest self
Unmasked and undefined
A soul of ash and silver flame
No longer left behind
So if you find me wandering
Beneath the midnight sky
Know I am not lost at all
The darkness is where I fly

17

The Language of Water πŸ’¦πŸ’§πŸ’¦ ~ Poetry

BERJAYA
Original Art, Oil Pastel, Home Decor, Water Art, Underwater Art, Figurative Art, Blue Water Art, Romantic, Whimsical Art, Office Decor - Etsy Finland

Water never argues with the stone

It arrives softly

A whisper against the shore

A silver thread through the earth

Yet given time

It carves canyons from mountains

And shapes the world without a single demand

Life is much the same

There are seasons of rushing rivers

When dreams spill over their banks

And every current carries us forward

There are seasons of still ponds

When nothing seems to move

Yet beneath the surface

Strength is quietly growing

The tide retreats

And we call it loss

The tide returns

And we call it blessing

But the ocean knows no difference

It simply follows its nature

Breathing in

Breathing out

The stream does not fear the bend

Because it trusts the path

The rain does not mourn the cloud

Because it knows it will rise again

And we

Like water

Are meant to move

To flow around what cannot be changed

To accept the things we cannot change

God Grant Me The Serenity

To nourish what can

To embrace the ebb

To welcome the flow

For every river reaches the sea

Not because it never struggles

But because it never stops becoming

And in that endless movement

Water teaches the oldest lesson

Nothing remains

Everything changes

Yet somehow

The flow continues on

Like life itself

Toward horizons unseen

Everything changes

Yet somehow

The waves continues on

Like life herself

Toward horizons unseen

πŸ’¦πŸ’§πŸ’¦πŸ’§πŸ’¦πŸ’§πŸ’¦

15

Helium ~ Poetry  πŸŽˆ

BERJAYA
BERJAYA


I wished my troubles weighed like helium
A drifting breath beyond the ground
But life stitched stones into my pockets
And dared me to drag them all around
I watched balloons escape small hands
Climbing skyward with the dawn
And wondered why my own heart lingered
With yesterday long after it was gone
They say we rise as if it’s simple
As if grief can’t pull and pry
As if an anchor wrapped in sorrow
Couldn’t keep a soul earthbound and dry
Yet helium taught a different lesson
A truth beneath the endless blue
Freedom isn’t found in leaving
It’s found in what you struggle through
For mountains rise while bearing burdens
And trees stand tall through storm and heat
Their roots run deep beneath the surface
Yet still they stretch and won’t retreat
Maybe the goal was never drifting
Never fading from the view
But learning how to carry weight
And still find ways to travel through
So I gather scars like sandbags
Then cut the ropes one by one
Not to fly from life but to rise within it
The way dawn rises without abandoning the sun
And if someday I leave this world
Let it be said I understood
Helium rises because it’s lighter
People rise because they choose the good

~

I came across this blog site and was instantly motivated to write a poem titled helium 🎈

What is helium? | Did you know?

https://wordpress.com/reader/blogs/187902154/posts/327
12

Unprocessed Pain ~ Poetry

BERJAYA
BERJAYA


I tried to name it neatly
To file it in a drawer of reasons
To label the ache like a specimen
And keep it from moving
But pain does not stay processed
It leaks through careful language
Seeps past the borders of explanation
Returns to the body uninvited
I learned there are no clean edits
For what was never orderly to begin with
No final draft where grief agrees to sit still
And behave like a lesson learned
So I stopped trying to solve it and let it be weather inside me
Not permanent not polite
Just passing through
Like a passenger on a train

Unprocessed Pain ~

6

Deeply Disturbing  ~ Poetry

BERJAYA
BERJAYA

The moon arrived with no reflection
Its silver face erased from streams
A raven slept beneath the water
Guarding doors between the dreams
~
The forest whispered without language
Names no living tongue could hold
Roots curled upward from the darkness
Searching for forgotten souls
~
A lantern swung where no wind wandered
Its flame burned black instead of gold
Each shadow carried older shadows
Each story hid a tale untold
~
I found a staircase in the silence
Descending through a starless well
Every step became a question
Every answer rang a bell
~
The bells were made of frozen silhouettes
Taken from the mouths of ghosts
They chimed of things that never happened
Yet haunted me the most
~
Something watched beyond the veil line
Neither beast nor saint nor man
Its eyes were holes in time itself
Where all beginnings ran
~
It never spoke yet I still heard it
Like distant thunder in the stones
A hymn composed of missing people
Sung through abandoned bones
~
At dawn the world returned to normal
Birds and sunlight filled the air
But every mirror in my house now
Shows one extra figure there
~
A node to Edgar Allan Poe ~
My muse πŸ–€~

13

Poetry

BERJAYA
BERJAYA

In the quiet hours

Where the world softens its edges

I find pieces of myself

Floating like dust through light

There are memories that still ache

Like rain trapped inside old windows

And names that linger gently

Long after the room has emptied

But healing moves slowly

Like rivers carving stone

Never rushing

Still finding a way forward

I have learned

Not every wound asks to be seen

Some simply ask for tenderness

A softer place to rest

And maybe that is enough

To wake each morning

Carrying both the hurt and the hope

Without letting either consume me

The moon still rises

Even after the darkest evenings

And somewhere beneath all this ache

Something beautiful is becoming again

16

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