Accurate Food Pyramids Through Life

by Conor McKeon 14 hours ago

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Work Sucks, I Know

Issue #36

by Brian Murphy 16 hours ago

Ever have a sh*tty job that you wanted to complain about in a weekly submission-based column named after Blink-182 lyrics? Send your submissions to worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!

In the summer when I'm home from college I work in a bakery for this crazy guy named Dan. On his way to work my he had slammed his finger in his car door and it had formed a gigantic puss bubble right behind his finger nail. If he squeezed the bubble he was able to shoot a stream of puss out from underneath his fingernail. He came into the bakery as we were mixing up a batch of blueberry muffins. He walked over towards me and tried to squirt me with his finger puss. I was able to avoid the stream but it went right into the batter that we had just mixed up. He refused to let us remake the batter and then proceeded to mix in the blueberries by hand. He claimed his puss would cook off in the oven. Righttt. Quite a few people unknowingly consumed about a tablespoon of this guys puss.
-Sam, NY

I worked in a warehouse for a summer and was frequently assigned ridiculous busy work. One time my boss had me clean the entire warehouse floor, but we didn't have a mop. I had to use a sponge.
-Anonymous

I used to work at an auto accessory store as a salesman and had a regular customer come in who was deaf. For some reason I was the only guy who he would "talk" to. One day he came in shortly after getting an alarm installed and said that it wasn't working. I could hear his siren blazing from a mile away.
-C. W., AK

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"Lazy Sunday" Live

Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg reunite on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon to perform viral classic "Lazy Sunday" live for the first time. Featuring The Roots and cameos by the other two Lonely Island Boys.

Pet Pig

by Cyanide & Happiness 19 hours ago

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10 Innovative Urinals

When it come to urinals, the name of the game is aim.

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Cute College Girl

Grace

Year	Senior
School	nassau community college

Who was your first celebrity crush?: Han Solo, not Harrison Ford, but Han Solo (though Indiana Jones was a close second). I was about eight or nine and really getting into Star Wars. I loved his bad ass and witty attitude. He pretty much set the foundation for what I look for in a guy; how much like Han Solo is he? If you can save my life by stuffing me inside a dead Taun Taun, and deactivate the Death Stars shield generators with a team of Ewoks, I'd pretty much be swooning.

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Apocalypse GIF

yesterday

They told us that video games would destroy the world, but we didn't listen. How could we have known that Bowser's minions would become so powerful?

We're gonna need a bigger Mario.

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Brochures For Spring Break At Home

by Sarah Schneider yesterday

So you're spending Spring Break at home. That doesn't mean you can't have fun! Rollover these classic Spring Break brochures for their Spring Break At Home translations.

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Roommate Confessions

Issue 119

by Jeff Rosenberg yesterday

It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

So about three months ago I moved out of an apartment with a d*ck-hole roommate who was full of himself and wanted everything done his way. He would complain about every little thing wrong in the apartment and always blamed me. Needless to say, I got really sick of it. One night when he was over at his gf's for the night, my good bud and me pissed all over his bike from the balcony which froze over night. The next day, my roomie came up to me asking about his bike and if I knew anything about it. Of course, I said no. Then he played it off saying that it must have been 'plant killer spray' to kill the plants around the apartment building before winter. I almost lost it when he sniffed and licked his fingers to make sure it was.

Jake R., NDSU

Well, my roommate and I were doing the same major and he constantly stole my work and passed it off as his own. I was pretty certain in didn't even read it before sending it. So every second word I wrote bastard and every fifth penis. In my conclusion I kindly told the teacher to "go f*ck himself". The best part was that after getting in trouble he actually had the nerve to confront me about MY work. I taped the conversation and reported him to the college. I never saw him again.
Fred Dodge, School Not Given

I didn't think it was funny that you poured flavored lube into the water pitcher, so I put all my cigarettes out in your shoe for like two weeks it was like 4 boxes worth of butts in there. Sorry that your girlfriend thought you were smoking again. And sorry she dumped you. Next time don't be such a d-bag.
Antoine Tatum, School Not Given

Not really a confession but a story. My friends, Will and Terry, got in an argument over a basketball game a year back. Will got up to get a beer, shook it up, and gave it to Terry. That started an awesome chain of events that went through filling cars with packing peanuts, calling each other at work to get the other in trouble, and various other small scale pranks. Well one night it got turned up a notch. Terry threw a party but

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