How to Make Your Kids Smarter

June 16, 2009

Many parents will rejoice to learn of research conducted by University of Michigan psychology professor Richard E. Nisbett, detailed in his new book “Intelligence and How to Get it: Why Schools and Culture Count.” It basically makes a case for the importance of “nurture” in the “nature vs. nurture” intelligence argument. In other words, you can help your children become smarter – regardless of your SAT scores.

He argues against heredity theorists who basically say you are born with an infinite measure of intelligence, and thems the cards you’re dealt with.

Nisbett says that in spite of studies that show certain ethnic and socioeconomic groups go on to become more successful on the whole than other groups (i.e. Ashkenazi Jews and Asian Americans) it’s not necessarily because they have higher I.Q.s, but because of a tendency to work hard and build on their innate abilities.

On the other hand that’s a lot of pressure on a parent: the responsibility to nurture your child in a way that will make the most of, or improve, his or her intellectual abilities. Luckily, the tricks to improving your child’s intelligence are not too difficult, and you are probably already doing some of them. Starting at pregnancy, your actions can give your child a boost:

1) Exercise: According to Nisbett, exercising during pregnancy (within reason) is a good way to start because mothers who work out tend to have bigger babies who grow up smarter, possibly because of greater brain size.

2) Breastfeed: Although the benefits of breast-feeding with regards to improved intellect have been batted about by scientists for a while, the latest study does show that breastfed babies “seem more likely to do well at high school and to go on to attend college than infants raised on a bottle.”

3) Create an Early Bond: According to WebMD, attachment is not only critical to emotional and social development, but also helps build a smart child. “Connecting with you helps a child's brain develop," says Ross A. Thompson, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of California at Davis, because neurons get connected through social connection and language…By contrast, when children don't feel safe and secure, it impacts their ability to learn.”

4) Talk, Talk: Studies show talking to your babies (real words) continuously throughout the day lead them to earn higher scores on IQ tests and perform better in school than children whose parents and caregivers talked to them infrequently or not at all.

5) Turn off the TV: In connection with the suggestion of talking continuously to your child (note: enjoy the early years when s/he doesn’t talk back), you should also turn off your TV. Research has shown that when it’s on, adults talk less to their children. A new study found that when children are exposed to a lot of TV before the age of 2, they are deprived of interaction with adults, which can lead to delays in brain and language development. University of Washington researchers found that for every hour the TV set was on, even if it was just in the background, adults spoke from 500 to 1,000 fewer words to children.

6) Learn Music: According to MSN’s article on “10 Ways to Make Your Kids Smarter” learning a musical instrument (while hard on your ears), is good for your kids’ brains. “According to a study by University of Toronto researchers, organized music lessons appear to benefit children's IQ and academic performance—and the more years the student takes lessons, the greater the effect. The study found that taking music lessons in childhood was a clear predictor of better grades in high school and a higher IQ in adulthood.”

7) Read: Another tip from MSN, that is probably well known but can’t be said enough is: read to your child. “This tried-and-true method sometimes gets overlooked in the rush to adopt the latest IQ-boosting technology, but reading is a sure-fire, low-tech way to improve learning and cognitive developing in children of all ages.“

8) Yes, I can!: Kathy Seal, author of “Motivated Minds: Raising Children to Love Learning,” says there's a mountain of research showing that kids who believe intelligence is flexible – i.e. you can get smart if you work hard -- do far better in school that kids who believe intelligence is innate. “That's what Chinese and Japanese cultures believe,” says Seal. “They both emphasize the notion of effort over innate ability, the opposite of the American tendency.”

What do you think of the “nature vs. nurture” debate? Do you have tips or tricks for improving your children’s school performance?

Wedding Day Dreams

June 11, 2009

The thing I liked most about TLC’s new series “Masters of Reception,” airing Friday June 12th at 10/9c is that it reminded me of the excited feelings I had about getting married. After four years and a toddler, it’s nice to have those thoughts again.

The show, produced by Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos, centers on brothers Robert and Jerry Frungillo, owners of Frungillo Caterers in New Jersey, and their staff. Their accents and energy might remind you of the Sopranos (and "The Cake Boss"!) but they don’t yell at each other (like in "The Cake Boss") – that much. They “make dreams come true,” for their clients, who are young couples looking to create a beautiful and meaningful wedding.

My other favorite thing about the show is that there is a staff member named Joelle (although she spells it wrong: Joe’l)! I know that sounds childish, but when you have a unique name it gives you a little thrill to know someone else who has it – and I’ve NEVER heard it on TV. Ok, enough of that.

The brothers, who I mistakenly thought were twins, took over the business from their parents and have managed it for 30 years. Linda Pergola, who’s been with the Frungillos for 20 years, and her son Frankie are part of the “family” along with Joe’l, Linda’s spunky protégé. They show you the hustle and bustle of what goes into satisfying every niggling request (such as finding 32 lbs of candy from the Dominican Republic).

The first show features two young couples who are so sweetly in love -- you can’t help but be drawn in and hope their day is just as they dreamed. One couple is of Dominican decent and wants their day to reflect to their heritage. The bride, Newsy, literally has a big smile on her face every time she’s on camera and the groom, Willy, is always looking lovingly at her.

The other couple had an experience similar to my wedding – with respect to an outdoor event plan. And the groom is constantly telling goofy jokes to get his beautiful bride to laugh (also reminiscent of my wedding – and marriage).

Even though my wedding venue was pretty different (a ranch), both of these stories brought me back to my planning days where I wanted to make sure both our heritages were reflected in our interfaith ceremony. And seeing these couples and their big silly smiles brought me back to those heady days when my husband and I were just starting our lives together.

These are stories of brides and grooms that you can relate to – and a caterer that you could hire! Tune in to “Masters of Reception” on Friday at 10/9c and share what reminds you of your wedding day, or your dream.

Get tips on how to plan Your Dream Wedding and check out the new interactive Wedding Dress History report.

What's Your Parenting Style?

June 09, 2009

My toddler fell down a short flight of stairs at a party last weekend.  My husband was not there but there were several other parents in the house keeping an eye on the kids, or so I thought. While I was preparing asparagus, I (and everyone in the kitchen) heard a loud bang followed by the wail of a child. It was mine.

I raced over and scooped her up. A large raised bruise was already forming on her forehead. Luckily there was a pediatrician at the party who gave her a once over and declared her Ok, but warned me to keep an eye on her to note any change in her behavior/personality. I followed her around the rest of night while debating whether I should take her to the ER, even though our doctor friend was confident that all was fine since she downed two bowls of vanilla ice cream and was happily playing with the other kids. All I could think of was the awful Natasha Richardson tragedy.

I took her to the ER later that night after calling the Children’s Hospital for a consult. She was fine. I wished I had followed her around the beginning of the evening, or asked someone to keep an eye on her, like a good helicopter mom.

But that type of parenting is apparently going out of style, according to Lisa Belkin’s NY Times article “Let the Kid Be.” Helicopter parenting, or over-parenting, is a pejorative term used to describe parents who are overly involved in their kids lives, micromanaging everything from their after school activities to their college choices. They are the parents who chauffer their kids from piano lessons to soccer practice to figure drawing, and then rush home to help them with their homework. They constantly “hover” (hence the term) around their children hoping to, literally, catch them when they fall. Belkin says the parenting pendulum has swung towards what some are calling “slow parenting” or “free-range" parenting, where the parent takes a more relaxed attitude toward their children’s activities.

Lenore Skenazy, author of “Free-Range Parenting,” and the controversial essay “Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Take the Subway Alone,” believes in safety but not smothering. She argues that most of us grew up as “free-range” kids, being able to walk to the store or friend's house by ourselves and that the world today is not that much more dangerous.

Critics of helicopter parenting say that “helicoptered” children are spoiled, fearful and lack the capacity to make decisions for themselves.

But a recent Boston Globe article reported results of a survey that found that children of parents who fit the description of “helicopter” parents turned out to be engaged students that reported greater satisfaction in college. She also cited another benefit to this much maligned type of parenting which was the close relationships such parents forged with their children.

Fred Lee in the Parenting Squad Blog points out that most of our impressions of helicopter parents are in the extreme. “We think of them as those people who have completely taken control of their kids lives and keep track of their every movement, when in fact, many who fit the definition are in fact simply more involved. So maybe it’s not a bad idea to take the negativity about over-parenting with a grain of salt, and keep in mind that it’s really a question of degrees.”

I know I’m a bit of a helicopter mom with a desire to be less so, especially because I hover more out of fear (at this stage) than concern. But at the same time, I don’t think I could, or would want, to be a “free-range” parent, giving that much freedom to my child.

Where in the spectrum does your parenting style fall? Are you a helicopter parent “lite,” a proud over-parent, a “free-range” mama or something else?

Why I Love Farmers' Markets

June 04, 2009

I went to my first farmers’ market of the season this weekend with my daughter and friend Debbie who was visiting from New York. We had a blast.

In Denver, the big one is Saturday morning not too far from my house (although there are several others on different days around the city). Last year I would run with a baby jogger there, fill up on fruits, veggies and other items and then walk home. I felt like I was doing my part to help the environment (except when I forgot to bring my own bags), which is one of the reasons I really like them. This Saturday I hope to do the same if my knee cooperates.

As the experts at Planet Green can attest, eating local food in season not only helps the environment but it helps your community -- and it’s healthier and tastes better too.  This a fact. The zucchini I grilled at home that night was the tastiest grilled zucchini I can remember eating. Even my husband, not the biggest zucchini fan, agreed. According the Colorado Farmers’ Market site, the average piece of produce travels 2000 miles before it reaches you and with each day loses more of its nutritional value.

But, even more important (or equally as important), it’s a really fun activity to do with, or without children, on a weekend. In Denver there are tables for visitors to sit while they sample the delicious food from the local artisan booths, and an area for kids to play. This year I was happy to also find new clothing booths! Yup, my friend Debbie and I spent about 25 minutes trying on these adorable skirts (Deb bought two, and a bag). During that time Selby spotted a “big girl” eating a cupcake and "needed one," so we rewarded her for waiting, somewhat, patiently as we shopped with a freshly baked cherry frosted treat.

They sell flowers, soap, honey, smoked salmon, scrumptious baked goods, cheeses, wines, meats and of course a large variety of veggies and fruits. They also have a booth for my favorite addicting treat – kettle corn. Almost all the booths have tastes plates out; I love snacking my way through the market.

Another reason I love farmers' markets is because buying farm fresh veggies in season forces me to try new things. I get into ruts cooking the same old carrots or string beans as side dishes but when I find fresh golden beets or blue fingerling potatoes one week, I am inspired to dig through recipe websites and try something new. The next week I’m sampling dumpling or carnival squash. And my husband and I can't eat enough sweet corn.

Boho Blog writer says: “I love having the opportunity to shop in the open air instead of inside some climate controlled cave, and it's incredibly comforting to see a real connection between the food I eat and the people and places they come from.”

Kimberly from the Go Green Travel Green Blog likes the lively social interaction: “I went to two this weekend and you just can’t trade the experience of chatting with the people who grow your food - especially when the alternative is the bored teenage checker at the local Safeway.”

To find a farmers market in your neighborhood, check out Localharvest.org. And for delicious meals to prepare with your fresh bounty, visit Planet Green’s Farmers' Market Dinners.

What’s your favorite thing about farmers’ markets?

Getting Comfortable in a Bikini

June 02, 2009

First of all, I want to admit that today’s Blog photo is … gulp … me! Jen, my co-worker, thinks I’m very brave to post a non-airbrushed photo of me in a bikini without the benefit of a Jenny Craig plan or some other trendy diet. I am certainly no Valerie Bertinelli.

I’d describe myself as a fit person with a few figure flaws. I have a pot belly (thanks mom) and some cellulite. I do have good calves and decent boobs. I don’t have a bikini bod in the traditional media sense (long legs, flat abs, lean arms, etc.). But, my husband prefers me in one. He hates tankinis and thinks of one-pieces as lap-swimming suits. So I started wearing a bikini while on vacation – hoping we wouldn’t run into anyone I knew.

I then moved on to wearing one at the beach with my family (the real critics), usually with a cover up on 75% of the time.

But now that it’s getting close to summer, we most certainly will be hanging out with friends and family in bathing attire… and I’ll need to get comfortable baring my belly again. Sure I could just say “no way” to my husband and wear whatever I want. But, I kinda like wearing one. Who knew? I hadn’t worn one since I was 9, so the idea has been a little exciting. I always felt I had to get in better, or perfect, shape before I could wear one. But with my husband’s urging, and praise, I stopped waiting.

I can’t say I’m always at ease. Here are a few things I do to get more comfortable.

1) Look around the beach or pool and take note of other women who don’t have traditional bikini bods and notice how comfortable and confident they look.
2) Get waxed.
3) Workout and watch my diet.
4) Get a bikini with a flattering fit and good support, so I know nothing is hanging out that shouldn’t be.
5) Listen to my husband when he says “You look great” – and try to believe him.

I think wearing a bikini, or anything really, is all about confidence. If you feel confident and look confident, then you look good. Confidence is sexy.

 “It's a self-esteem issue, not a weight or body shape problem,” Alison Porter, a.k.a. Coach Fabulous, from iVillage.com says in her article “Feel the Bikini Fear and Do it Anyway”.  “Your attractiveness isn't just about the size of your thighs, it's about your attitude and how comfortable you are with yourself.”

Porter also says to stop thinking about who’s looking at us.  “Our biggest bikini fear comes from the idea that everyone will be watching us and judging us on how we look. The good news is that this is a complete myth, mostly because we're all so neurotic about how we look that we're too busy to focus on anyone else. Also, people are far less shallow than we give them credit for. It's actually our own self-attacking thoughts we're projecting onto others that lead us to believe we're being judged and found wanting.”

So suit up and keep your head high (sucking it in doesn’t hurt either). How do you feel about wearing a bikini?

For some confidence boosting help join the Discovery Health Body Challenge 2009 for fitness advice and support.

Be a Wedding Crasher

May 28, 2009

I remember planning my wedding wasn’t so fun. It was stressful and caused arguments between my mother and me. I did love the day and thought the event was beautiful (we got married on a ranch in Colorado), and had a great time with my friends and especially my new husband. But if I had a wedding consultant and endless amounts of money, I think the planning would’ve gone a little smoother. But then again, my mother would’ve still been involved so maybe not.

In TLC’s new series, “Wedded to Perfection,” airing Friday May 29th at 10/9c, Jung Lee and her husband Josh Brooks, owners of Fete Events, get paid a lot of money to make their client’s weddings memorable, stress-free and, well, perfect. Starting at $200,000 and going up to $1 million plus, Josh and Jung will make your wedding dreams come true. Yes, that’s the right amount of zeros. If you can’t imagine the kind of party that that kind of money can get you, then you need to tune in to the show to see these unbelievably elegant and chic weddings.

Watching the show is like being a wedding crasher – getting to see behind the scenes what goes into planning these movie star-like high-end weddings that most of us will never attend.

Jung is the boss. With her event planning ability and Josh’s business sense, they say they compliment each other perfectly-- at work and with their two young children. He tempers her high energy perfectionism, but not too much because, after all, that’s exactly what the client is paying for -- her exquisite taste and ability to get the job done flawlessly.

“One bad wedding or unhappy client can ruin our business,” says Jung.

At this level of the game, a wedding is more than just “event” planning. It involves a lot of creativity, design ingenuity, organizational and customer service skills, and magic. Jung and Josh don’t say “no” to anything. Can you imagine what it would be like to plan your wedding with no financial or creative restraints?

I have to say that the one thing missing from this show was the parents of the bride and groom. I can’t imagine these extravagant events taking place without any input from the bride’s mother, who is probably footing the bill. At least that’s not how it would work in my family. But maybe that’s because I have a Jewish mother.

Tune in on Friday at 10/9c and get a vicarious thrill, and maybe some ideas for your next big event, on “Wedded to Perfection.”

Then tell us, do you think these weddings are truly beautiful or too much? What was your wedding like?

Is $1 million out of your price range? Get 20 ideas for how to have a wedding for less money, but lots of style and then take our Bridal Style Quiz.  

Do Children Make You Happy? Maybe

May 26, 2009

A recent essay in The Psychologist has stirred up the “Do Children Make You Happy Debate” -- again. The writer, a social scientist, discusses his desire to marry his girlfriend and have children (a boy and a girl to be specific), in spite of the fact that numerous research studies show that not only are married couples with kids no happier than married couples without kids, that in some cases they are *less* happy than their childless counterparts. (Marriage, he gladly reports does make people happier).

The debate erupted last year, also, after Newseek published their article on the topic and cited Daniel Gilbert's 2006 book "Stumbling on Happiness," where he “looks at several studies and concludes that marital satisfaction decreases dramatically after the birth of the first child—and increases only when the last child has left home.”

Other studies point to similar, but not identical, results. Pew Research’s study on happniness found that married people with children reported being happy about as much as married people without children. So by some studies, couples with children are not necessarily less happy than couples without children – but are by no means happier.

I don’t know about degrees of happiness related to my having a child. I just know that whenever someone asks me “How’s Selby?” a smile breaks out on my face that is so large and strong that there is no mistaking the surge of bliss even just thinking about her brings to me. My husband and I were just saying the other day that we can’t imagine there is a child more delightful than our daughter. Ok, I’ll stop now. I can go on and on (and really bore you) – but you get the point -- Selby=Happiness, for me and my husband. Will that change as she gets older? The ratio of happiness vs unhappiness will probably change but I can’t imagine she will cease to bring me joy.

But not all mothers of adorable toddlers feel the same. My friend Aliza Sherman who documents her long struggle to have a child and her post partum depression after she gave birth to her daughter on the Babyfruit Blog says that being a mother is not all that she imagined. “I'm not one of the moms who can say ‘Oh, my child brings me tremendous joy and endless satisfaction’ …. I still struggle with mommy love. It just isn't part of my every day.”

That’s not to say she doesn’t love her daughter. But she often wonders why it was so important to have a child in the first place. “I think it was part of completing the circle of life for me.”

My sister, who has three kids, says “yes” very quickly when I ask her if her children make her happy. And then she asks for clarification. “That’s too broad of a question,” she complains. She says that she’s happy with children, but she was happy before her children, too. Also, she adds, her children bring a lot of stress. “I’m not really sure why I had three,” she admits. “I didn’t think it was going to be as difficult as it is.”

Lisa Belkin discussed the same topic in her Motherlode Blog and got some very interesting responses. One reader writes: “Of course children do not bring happiness. That comes from inside parents themselves.” A father, who loves his 4-year-old, says his daughter has probably made him less “happy” because of added conflicts with his wife and financial stress. “Sometimes, things worth doing and having involve a lot of difficulty and effort,” he writes. “They don’t make us ‘happy’ necessarily, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t undertake them.”

I think most people’s knee-jerk reaction is: “Of course my kids make me happy!” But, if they thought about it a little more they would have to admit: “Sometimes my kids make me unhappy.”

Obviously, scientific studies show numbers and people tell stories. Please share yours. Have your children brought you happiness; stress; grief; anxiety; regrets? 

Rent or Swap Homes for an Inexpensive Vacation

May 21, 2009

I am a total VRBO (vacation rental by owner) enthusiast, and I’ve turned my mother into one as well. It beats a “staycation” any day. I might be preaching to the choir, but I never knew about vacation rental options before last year, so I will explain how it works and why it’s so good for families in case this is news to you.

Instead of renting multiple hotel rooms or squeezing a family of four (or more!) into one room with two queen beds, you can rent someone’s vacation house or condo for about the same, or less, money and get so much more room – and a kitchen!  Arrangements are usually made through a property manager but sometimes you deal directly with the owner.

Consider this:

You’ve just finished a morning hike in Aspen, CO and now it’s time for your toddler to take a nap. If you were staying in a hotel room, you could put her down in a pack-n-play and then stop talking, moving or doing anything to that could create noise while she hopefully dozes off. When she, hopefully, falls asleep, you and your husband could take turns doing activities, alone, outside the room, or you could both stay still and quiet, and perhaps read (unless you both know sign language).

But, if you were staying in a condo, you could put the little angel to sleep in a different room and prepare lunch while listening to music, or watch TV or a movie (because many rentals have DVD players or other cable/satellite options). Doesn’t that sound so much nicer? Well it was for us last fall. But that was only part of our trip. We started in Glenwood Springs in a rented 3-bedroom house tucked away in a gorgeous canyon with our friends and their two kids, and then continued on to Aspen for a couple of nights in a beautiful one-bedroom condo for the same price as a low-end motel.

The homes you rent are usually nicely decorated with several amenities like washer/dryers, hot tubs, etc. After our successful experience in the Roaring Fork Valley, my mother was inspired to find a place for us to rent in Sante Fe last Thanksgiving. She found this unbelievable two-bedroom adobe townhouse in walking distance to all the shops and galleries that was much more spacious and less expensive than renting two hotel rooms. The savings really kick in the more families you get to join you.

Another vacation option, which I haven’t tried but know a few friends who have, is house swapping (featured in the mediocre comedy “The Holiday” with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet). My friend Susanna Donato, author of the Cheap Like Me Blog, was itching to get her family to the beach a few summers ago but was low on cash reserves. She dug around on Craigslist.com and found a family in Laguna Beach, CA looking for a place in the Denver/Boulder area on a week that worked for her. They exchanged emails, photos and phone calls and the plans were set for Donato, her husband and 5-year-old daughter to hit the surf, and the California-based family of five to explore the mountains.

“I would definitely do it again,” says Donato. “In fact, we’re thinking about trying Oregon this year.” Although it takes a little more effort and luck than VRBO, it’s completely free.

Are you sold on the idea? Here are some online resources to get you going:

www.vrbo.com
www.tripadvisor.com
www.homexchange.com (membership fee required)

Have you done a house swap or VRBO, or another type of interesting property arrangement? Please share your story.

No choice but to do a "staycation" instead? Try these 7 staycation destinations.

Is Your Child at Risk for Becoming an Overeater?

May 19, 2009

If your child eats an occasional meal of Mac-n-cheese, organic or otherwise, most parenting experts would agree that that’s not a problem. But if that’s his dinner, and then sugar-y yogurt is his breakfast, and cookies and other processed treats fill in the rest of his diet, then you could be setting your child up for a lifetime of “conditioned hypereating,” according to Dr. David Kessler, a former FDA director, in his new book “The End of Overeating.”

He claims that foods high in fat, salt and sugar alter the brain's chemistry in ways that compel people to overeat.  I totally believe that! In Business Week’s Working Parent Blog, Kessler says that “reward-driven eating begins in early childhood, and seems to be starting younger and younger.”

He cites alarming statistics about the rise of obesity, especially among young people: Two thirds of adults are considered overweight or obese, as is one out of every three children under age 18.

Honestly, I’m not as worried about my daughter becoming obese as I am about her having issues with food, like I do (as I wrote about in Can Healthy Eating Be Bad?). I try to feed her healthy fresh food as often as possible. But I don’t always have the time to do that. And sometimes no matter what I serve her, she wants to eat what’s on my or my husband’s plate. OPF (other people’s food) is her favorite. And for the record, I just looked at a box of Annie’s Organic Macaroni & Cheese to see that, even thought it’s organic, it has a whopping 570 mg of sodium per serving.

At what point does the occasional Mac-n-cheese dinner or breaded chicken nuggets or other microwaveable meal become a trigger to addictive behavior?  Is eating nothing better than eating processed food?

Rebecca Odes and Ceridwen Morris write about the “Mac n’ Cheese Rut” on Babble.com: “Picky eating is actually a developmentally appropriate phase for toddlers. Interestingly, it generally has little to do with food, and lots to do with trying to control the universe. If you're two, there's not much you can be the boss of, but you can have a say in what does or doesn't go into your mouth.” They go on to advise parents that picky eating, most likely, is just a stage that will pass.

Hopefully it passes before destructive habits set in, or their brains are wired to consume junk food in large quantities.

Here are three (from their list of nine) strategies from Odes and Morris to encourage your children to eat healthier:

1)  “Try to engage your kid in the process. Have him help you shop. Cook. Garden, or show him pictures of other people gardening if that's not an option.”

2) Don’t be afraid to add some flavor. “While we agree that cauliflower should not be a delivery system for cheese whiz, we do believe in flavor enhancements: olive oil, parmesan, garlic, low sodium soy, butter.”

3) “If you think your son might go for it, try for the fun factor. Some kids will eat anything with a smiley face on it … Some kids go for a fake fancy dinner, or color coordination, or theme meals.

Do you worry about your children eating too much processed, or unhealthy, food? How do you instill healthy eating habits?

Photo: Getty Images

Getting Your Kids Dressed in the Morning

May 14, 2009

My husband and I often say how lucky we are because our daughter is so easy going -- except when I try to get her dressed in the morning. Then she turns into your average terrible twos toddler. “No, I don’t want that dress!” she’ll yell as I try to put on an adorable summer dress my mother bought her. “I want the sparkly dress!” she’ll wail, referring to a silver holiday dress she wore every day it wasn’t in the wash, until I finally put it away – permanently.

Now she wears a Diane von Furstenberg-style wrap dress my niece Jamie gave her as often as she can her chubby little fingers on it. It was one of my favorites. Now I can’t stand the sight of it.  But it’s not just the dress (and tights, always tights) she insists on choosing – about a week ago she became adamant about picking her own diaper. “No, I don’t like that one,” she’d protest as I tried to wrap a Huggie around her. She’d wiggle off the changing table and dig around in the diaper bag so she could pick a “good one.”

And why now, when it’s finally in the 80s here in Denver, does she want to wear the purple boots I’ve been trying to get her to wear all winter?

I was forced turned to the experts (a.k.a my friends and family) for advice on how to get Selby to wear what I want to her to wear (before I’ll never be able to get her to wear what I want her to wear).  Here are their pearls of wisdom, and stories of acquiescence:

1) Marlo, my sister in law and mother of my nieces Madison, 8, and Lily, 7, (both going on 21), says that she gives her daughters two choices in the morning (both of which she’d be pleased with). “When they pick from the two they feel like they have the power but I also got what I wanted.”

2) The other piece of advice from Marlo that I thought was really good, even though it will require cleaning out Selby’s closet: “I only put stuff in their closets that I like.” Duh! Why didn’t I think of that? Oh, yeah, because it would require me to clean out the closet.

3) Eileen, mother of Dani, 5, says she think it’s important to let Dani choose her own clothes, with some guidance about what’s appropriate for the weather, the occasion and from a fashion sense (like “that doesn’t match very well”).

4) Six-year-old Sophie doesn’t necessarily make bad clothing choices, says mom Kellie, but she always wants to wear something "fancy." They tried a friend’s suggestion of picking out the clothes the night before to reduce the number of rushed morning arguments – and it worked! “And for those days when she's feeling really stubborn, and I am too, we compromise,” Kellie says. “For example, she picks the shoes and I get to pick the shirt and pants or she picks the dress and I choose the leggings that go underneath.”

5) Marla (not to be confused with Marlo), mother of twins Noah and Ellie, 5, says that clothing is a battle she chooses not to fight. The only thing she insists on is appropriate shoe attire. “If there is snow, they must wear snow shoes, not flip flops,” she says.  “I bring sweaters or coats everywhere just in case their outfit is not weather appropriate – like a sundress in January.”

6) Denise, mother of Henry, 4, and twins Evie and Charlie, 2 ½ says she‘s given up and just does a lot of laundry.

Who chooses what your kids wear in the morning? Is it a battle, a compromise or a dictatorship? Share your advice and funny stories.