Zelda Twilight Princess
                            _________________________

                             Quick refer Guide (Cube)



                   May the path of the hero lead to the Triforce.

                                            --Ancient Muduro Myth



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first available at FAQS.IGN.COM




Basics - Let's Go Drink Some Freakin' Mountain Dew


Now that it's been established there's absolutely no plot to get in the way of 
the story, let's get down to business.

The Cube version of Zelda Twilight Princess (ZeldaTP -- for 'toilet paper') 
plays mostly like the Ocarina of Time, but since there are some control 
differences from the N64 controller, here's a set:

Joystick  - Analog motion
A Button  - Context action
B Button  - Weapon attack
Y Button  - Item hotkey #1 (wolf - dig crap)
X Button  - Item hotkey #2 (wolf - super sense)
Z Button  - Summon shadow midget & wolf form menu
L Bumper  - Z-target (lock-on)
R Bumper  - Push/Pull Context
C Stick   - Camera/view adjust; fishing rod adjust

As you can see, it's lightyears beyond anything currently available from 
Nintendo's latest console. Whatever the hell that is.

Saving Your Own Ass
Saving the game occurs at certain points, but you can save the game at any 
point and retain a certain amount of information. Since the game is structured 
differently from Ocarina (it's more like Wind Wanker), Link the Dink sometimes 
starts off at the fairy pond near the last loaded map when you reload. Saving 
is a good idea, since dying without benefit of owning your own crazy stripper 
fairy nurse bottled in Link the Dink's inventory forces a restart from the 
last save point. Press START to access the save option.

Copy your save file by loading it up from cold boot. You will want a back-up 
file from certain points of the game -- like when you get irreversibly stuck 
from the rumoured 'Kakariko Sanctuary cannon room' very late in the game 
(after Temple of Time and some extra crap).

Simalcrum checked into this bug to determine if Cube owners got forked up the 
ass with a big black spork from Nintendo's QA team, but as it turns out, the 
bug didn't happen, or quite simply, simalcrum didn't save and quit while in 
the middle of solving a puzzle that takes about 0.415 seconds to solve. The 
time for the text to be printed on the screen takes longer than solving this 
puzzle if you were paying any attention at all to the big red words of text 
and the limited number of choices in the game. In short, the bug may or may 
not appear -- but there's almost no way to quit the game at that point 
(default option is continue to play) unless you force a save and pull the plug 
to your system, you dumbass.

4 blocks of memory were used to test this out?

In the immortal words of Sam Fisher -- "Shaddap".

Peddling Options
Yeah whatever. On the start menu. Holding for Z-target (technically -- 'L-
targeting') is best.

Mapping and Inventory
There are two item screens and one map screen. Maps are accessed via LEFT / 
RIGHT on D-pad. Items that are expendable or secondary are accessed on UP / 
DOWN on D-pad. Items that are more permanent (such as shields or tunics) are 
accessed via the same save menu on START. Why there is no tabbed browsing like 
in Ocarina of Time is a mystery of the ages.


The Village - More rustic than West Kentucky


Going to work
Talk to NPCs if you want, but right now, you head north into the woods, and 
locate the horse. You can use the dark reeds to call for the horse (no ocarina 
this time, you damn fairy boy), and the light reeds to call for a hawk bird 
pirate mascot. You can quickly skip any bee-ess using the START button. Ride 
the horse south back to your house, then south again into the village. Ride 
the horse south to the ranch.

The round up works much like a smae pole magnet game. The livestock flees from 
the horse rider and makes a sprinting dash when spooked (A button on horse). 
Round up all ten livestock towards the barn and head back to your house.

Pregnant MILF and the monkey cradle
A man in the middle of the village will ask you to go up to his perch and look 
around. Do that and jump across the ledges to the island in the water. From 
there, you can see a monkey with a cradle in the distance. Use the white reeds 
to call in a free bird and send it out to get the cradle. Take the cradle 
(make sure to get back on land -- water will delete the cradle and you need to 
get it using the bird again), and locate the pregnant MILF on the riverbank. A 
cut-scene will occur when you approach her with the cradle in hand. Go to the 
house and get the fishing rod.

Slingshot (not the Aerialbot Transformer)
Talk to the damn weiner kid (Colin) after parking the horse and start 
destroying objects like pots, pumpkins and suff to get money. Walking into the 
grass may result in money. Simply cycle the maps and accure at least 30 money. 
After speaking to the snot nosed brats in the village (and near your house), 
you can locate the shop in the village.

The shopkeeper will not sell anything until you find her cat. The cat is what 
you saw from the old fart's perch in the middle of the village. Cat's near the 
house with the water wheel. Go there and scare it off. Now, go fishing on the 
bank. Cast out the line using the item hotkey or C stick and wait for the 
bobber to submerge. Once it does, pull down on the C stick and move it in the 
opposite direction of the fish's escape to catch it. The cat should follow you 
around. Fish a second time and the cat should scram back to the shop. 

Head to the shop, buy the slingshot for 30 money.

Back To Tokyo
Go back to your house and speak to the kids for slingshot training. Take the 
wood sword from the inside of the house and train with that. A monkey will 
appear and the kids will run off. Use the horse to follow them (and jump the 
fence).

The Lamp and Lamp Seller
Talk to the guy with the afro and get the lamp. Go back through that dark cave 
you saw before and in there, you may want to check for a heart piece by 
solving a basic Zelda puzzle (light all lamps).

Missing Children Found Half-eaten
Go through the cave and end in the forest. Go to the end of the forest area 
(where the temple entrance is) and smash the cage to free the kid and monkey.

Horse Gets Booted
Back in the village, the horse is confiscated, which should be fine. Speak to 
the shy kid and give up the wood sword to get rid of the kids blocking the 
path to the forest. To get into the lake, find the tunnel to the lake. Take it 
and do the time warp.


Altered Link - Best SEGA Game Ever


Link De La Lupes should stretch the chain as far as it goes to spawn the 
shadow midget movie. The midget will break the chain and allow Wolf to use the 
digging at the broken bars to squeeze through.

Escape to the Tower
Use the Z button to summon up tips from the system voice disguised as a micro-
midget. It will generally tell you about the Wolf's new digging and sensing 
abilities. Use them in addition to the lock-on and context action to yank the 
chains and get out of the dungeon. Not hard now, but if you have trouble here, 
you're going to kill yourself later on so-called 'harder dungeons'.

Rooftops to Tower
Follow the rooftops until the midget squeaks about being an anchor point for 
the wolf to zipline to (like hookshot). Way to go linearity. Follow the roof's 
natural layout to the window, and head up the stairs. Cut-scene get. Simalcrum 
sez: skip it. Head out the door, down the stairs.

Village - Sword and Shield
Take the wolf back to the village and get the shield and sword. Get the 
information by 'listening' close to the two villagers talking. Scare them off, 
and go to the shop where you bought the slingshot. This lets you and the 
midget get behind the falconer. Once the old fart's gone, midget zip on the 
water wheel up to the entrance into the water wheel house. Wolf dash the wall 
where the shield is on and get the shield. Go back outside and locate the 
pregnant MILF's house.

The sword is in the house of the pregnant MILF. You can only go in by digging 
the back of the house (the chicken will hint you about it), since the wolf 
will be attacked as soon as it's been seen. Grab the sword and head back 
across the bridge into the non-Hitchcock twilight zone.

Light Spirit Set 1
Kill the monsters at the lake south of the forest and get some quest item you 
have to fill up with magic light bulbs. They are listed on the map, and since 
you can find them all, you just need to follow the dots on the map. The wolf 
sense button will let you see holes you can dog through when the doors (as man-
pretty Link) block the way. For the two dots in the middle -- you need to find 
a way to get inside the lamp seller's house using the midget zip move. There's 
an entrance on the side for that. Kill the two monters inside the lamp 
seller's unabomber style shack and grab the light bulbs.

In the middle of the forest, use the midget zoom trick to by pass the 
poisonous purple ricin mustard chlorine gas. There's nothing here (except one 
or two light bulb monsters) so just sweep the place clean. If you are not near 
any white dots, move the hell on. The three monsters at the end of this area 
can revive each other using their screams. You need to kill all but two of the 
monsters, then (since the wolf cannot block attacks), lure the two together, 
hold the B button until both monsters are shocked with red juice, and release 
B to kill both monsters in one wolf attack.

Leaving just one of them around will force you to fight them all over again. 
At three hearts, you lose. The game does not. When the light bulb chain is 
full, you get warped back to normal Link at the lake north of your house (or 
around there).


Forest Temple - No Link/Saria m/f/1st time you sick perverts


Back to village
Man Link can go back to the village and talk to everyone. Note that the horse 
is not available at this time. Be sure to crack all the items you can find for 
money. You need 100 money at this time.

Bottle 2
Look for the lamp seller and buy the second bottle. You do not need any more 
lamp fuel unless you forget to put away the lamp each time you use it. Buying 
any potion for life restore is a waste of your money and simlacrum's time. You 
can go impale yourself if you decide to not save money from now on. Head into 
the forest where the hostage cage was.

Entrance of Death
Go to the forest by protecting the monkey holding your lamp. Simply follow it 
and avoid falling into the poison ricin. At the entrance, head in and start 
the body count. 

Dungeon Theme
After getting the monkey in the vertical room with the two mantrap plants, 
bomb the boulder for the boomerang Mini-boss (using the closest bomb bug -- 
you pick). All the paddles and spider threads you can cut down or alter using 
the wind boomerang. Note you can also retrieve some objects with same.

Monkeys 1 to 3 + the bomb bug 'problem'
The bridge crossings are prescripted -- if you don't have the monkey scripted 
to that gap, you ain't goin' no'whar junior. When you're kinda stuck about the 
small keys, use the map (taken in the middle of the dungeon's lobby) and check 
which rooms you ain't been in. When you find pillars, a roll/ram will knock 
objects from the pillars to the ground. Once you get three monkeys, you'll 
usually get stuck. There should be a room on the west side with the boomerang.

To get in, you have to pick up a bomb bug and toss the porker close enough to 
the rock to destroy it. It's easiest from the path where you only need to hop 
an even-level gap. It's cutting it close, but you can barely throw it at the 
large rock just before it explodes. For those of you who lack camera control, 
you're shit out of luck trying to get a better view of the room!

Hot Baboon Ass
Use the ram roll to knock down the boss and shove your sword up its ass. Wind 
boomerang get.

And the rest ...
Use the wind boomerang to cut down all the spider webs and wipe off the floor 
plate monsters. The only other time you might get stuck is the plant mini-boss 
(hit the pirhana plant and bomb the center), the big key door (four paddle 
switches -- look at the floor and map the the boomerang to hit the pillars in 
the zig-zag pattern), and the boss, which is mostly a hang back and use manual 
boomerang to carry the bombs to the boss thing. Ain't that hard. Don't forget 
that if you hang back, the boss can't really hurt you -- you only close in and 
do your sword attacks once the boss' main head falls down and opens its mouth.

FYI, the most damaging attack Link has is his Z-target and context action 
(brain smash). Several of those and you get the boss to puke its guts out so 
you rip its heart out and eat it to increase your life meter. Just like in 
Yor: Hunter from the Future who has two wives like the schism Mormons. Awesome.


Zelda Gaiden - Back to Tokyo


Head back to the village and get a quest to head for the northeast (or what 
ever the hell is lit on your map). Your goal is to walk the 50 miles to 
Kakariko Village. Oh yeah, the bridge is in the north warp point, in case you 
were stupid enough not to do a methodical area sweep. Head across the bridge 
to the Hyrule field and go where the bright spot is on your map.

Kakariko Village Lightbulbs
Man this one sucks since there're some ways to get stuck. Basically, you'd 
think you'd dig into each house (like before) and kinda slide underneath. But 
no. First off, you can look for ramps and shit to fall into the roof. The 
sanctuary doesn't have a roof, but you can get in there. Set the wood fagot 
(defined as a stick or bundle of sticks, used to start a fire), alit from the 
statue's fire and hop across the gaps in the room to light up all the candles.

For the houses, you can break into the windows using a ramming jump (not just 
stick motion jump) attack. The other house blocks, you can use the Z-target 
and manually jump forward (at the hostel for instance) and cross over on the 
ledges embedded in the rock walls. After a few of these puzzles, you get the 
hang of it. Same with the lightbulbs in the Death Mountain -- you need to be 
aware of the volcano crap that homes in on your position. Be sure to check the 
map for the lightbulbs. Some are not in the village, but in adjacent map areas.

Nude Yaoi Link (Sumo Game)
After being human, talk to the village priest and children. Head up the Death 
Mountain and get slammed by the Goron. Speak to the priest and the horse will 
show up again. Link the Dink can ride out back to the village and enter the 
mayor's house for a sumo mini-game. Take the Iron Boots and head back to Death 
Mountain.

Super Shield
Before heading into the mountain, be sure to buy the metal shield in the 
Kakariko shop for $200. It's cheaper than the Wii launch price.

Up The Mountain
Equip the boots when wrestling Gorons. Toss them like goats. To go up higher, 
shield block the Goron, then brain bash it with a sword. Get on one and wait 
for the inevitable uncurling. When the Gorons become friendly, simply talk to 
them to get this position. Wrestle the chief by equipping the boots (you 
cannot item use when in the ring), wrestle the ass out and head into lethal 
lava land.


Lava Temple - Hot butt time


Dungeon theme
Iron boots are used primarily for the magnetized paths. You use the boomerang 
or bow for out of the way switches (rare). Also note the Iron Boots increase 
Dink's weight when worn, so use it to hold down switches that don't stay lit. 
Use the bow to shoot out the eye-clopses (statues with lasers). That's about 
it.

Magnets and Lazers
Iron boots are used for the magnetic paths (blue). Simply toss a switch to 
turn 'em on. Your main goal is never jump unless you are sure you can land on 
safe ground, or you die. Some chests you cannot get to until you get a 
hookshot (or other item) later. Get all the stuff you can now and worry only 
when you can't figure out the magnetic paths to lead onward. The rotating 
statues (Eye-clops) that shoot beams cannot be killed until you shoot an arrow 
into the eye. Avoid them for now and move to areas where you can go to. This 
ain't hard.

The Big Guard
After meeting the first old Goron, you will need to fight a big Goron who 
guards the bow item. The arena is a tilting platform similar to Mario 64, but 
since Link has Iron Boots, he can't fall off. However, he and his squishy 
brains can be pulped by the boss' attack, so you need to stab the boss 
repeatedly (in the chest, throat, and loins; do not stop even when the victim 
begs for mercy) when it's readying to attack. Use the brain bash move (Z-
target and context action) to do the most damage.

To actually damage the boss, you need to put on Iron Boots (which prevent you 
from moving fast or doing brain bash) and grip the boss when it charges you. 
Make sure to manuever the boss so Link has enough room not to fall off, and he 
has about a quarter diameter of the arena behind him -- toss the boss (sumo 
grab mode) into the lava. Do this enough and the guy dies, you do not. Moving 
to a better spot will let you get your bearings and smash the enemy repeatedly 
in the 'nads once you're done. Shoot the eyeclops with the bow and that should 
pretty much unlock the path to the boss.

Fire Giant Boss
The magnetic crane lets you access this boss' room. As it turns out, you need 
to use both the treasure to get to the dungeon and the treasure found in the 
dungeon to kill this sum'bitch. Use the bow (manually) to shoot out the eye of 
the boss. While it's stumbling around like a heroine-laced crack whore looking 
for her next hit, you locate the leg chains on the ground and stand over them. 
Hotkey the Iron Boots, grab the chain and pull back (away from the boss) to 
tip it over. Remove the boots and go in for the kill with a brain bash. A few 
of these and you can rip the boss' heart out and eat it.

Sniper Scope
Before leaving, buy the Hawkeye from the Kakariko shop.


Big City - Exotic Hylian elf women 'working' in strip taverns


Move to the Hyrule castle and follow the scent of the purse. It's destination 
is the bar in the south quarter of the city. Get the story bee-ess and move 
out to the Zora falls. To get to the top of the falls, you defeat the lousy 
dude on the Twilight gargoyle batplane. Ride the thing through the cave and 
enter the ice cave.

Fun with small to medium tactical thermo-nuclear devices
At the ice cave, use super sense, get some midget talk, and warp to Death 
Mountain. Warp back to the Zora falls and melt the ice. Get the message from 
the dead Zora babe (hot -- simalcrum would do that since it's inter-species) 
and save.

Bug-O-rama
The next step is to go through the cave and get four lightbulbs, nab the rest 
of the bugs in the Zora falls area and get back to having a human wang. If you 
explored the whole Zora area and are still missing two lightbulbs, head back 
to the stripbar in the big city and kill the penultimate pest in the alley 
outside. The last bug will be marked on Lake Hylia. Warp and battle the boss 
bug by side-stepping and using the wolf's weiner rip attack (Z-target and 
context action). To kill the boss bug, hold sword attack and vape all six legs 
while the bug's doing a dead man's float.

(AOL VOICE) U GOT BLU MAIL
Head to the big city's strip bar tavern and get a escort mission. Equip the 
arrows (with sniper scope) and a boomerang to douse fires. At the bridge, zoom 
in with the bow and snipe the enemy's head when he looks to the side. When he 
doesn't flinch, you need to avoid him by turbo-ing past on the side. Use just 
the arrows and follow the wagon to the field.

At the south field, the wagon will detour each time a bird farts a bomb from 
its ass. You can dismount at that spot and kill the bird bomber with ranged 
weapons. The second area (before the Kakariko) can be done the same way. 
Unlock the gate to end the crap, follow the flying Zora MILF to the graveyard 
and get the new armor. You can get water bombs in Kakariko or outside the 
water dungeon.


Water Dungeon - water, water nowhere


Dungeon theme
Get into the dungeon with the Iron Boots and Water Bombs. Keep the blue armor 
on for most of your time here, but be sure to unequip it once you don't need 
to dive. You may find the green armor helpful if you need to swim fast on the 
surface. Iron boots and blue armor will be your primary thing. Water bombs are 
necessary (you find enough in the dungeon). And an explosive Rambo arrow will 
be used for some things. Once you get the hookshot, you can use that for the 
puzzles in manipulating the rotating stairs; however, to go from one place to 
another, you still rely on the blue armor and iron boots.

Rotating Stairs
In the rotating stairs, there're switches that swivel the stairs to your 
liking (two floors). Vines on the bottom of the chamber let you circumvent 
some of the walls, but you should explore the area for small keys. The left 
side of the dungeon is impassable (although you can explore it) until you 
start the water cycle. Explore the right side and use Rambo explosive arrows 
(combine arrows and bombs) to drop platforms to proceed. Your goal is to get 
into the northeast room on 1F (or 2F) and fight a toad boss for the hookshot. 
To grab the switches, auto-jump off the ledge -- there cannot be floor under 
Dink or he won't auto-jump (proof that White Hylians Can't Jump).

To get to that room, you need to start the water moving on the right side 
(this starts the platform carousel in the right side). Do this by getting to 
the spiral room that reaches all the way up to the 4F (right -- left one is 
for later).

Toadie and Eyeballs
Slash the eyeballs and look up to start the fight. Jump evade (or roll) the 
boss as it comes down. Killing all eyeballs makes tongue come out. Rambo 
explosive arrows will also cause boss to expose tongue. Brain bash the tongue 
and you kill it quick. Take hookshot and turn stairs to flow water to left 
side of dungeon.

Big Key and Second Water Movement .... by Handel
Hookshot can grab on red targets as well as any vines. This lets you go 
through the silenced carousel on the left side of the dungeon. Use the 
hookshot to reach the left side's water switch and start the water from the 
other side. The hard part is the underwater room. There are several entrances 
and you need to reach the room with Big Key by falling down from room above 
it. Look (camera look) for walls you can break with bombs (or bombfish). There 
is a set of three entrances in the underwater room (all underwater) that lead 
to different spots. If you play while not tired, you're cool. If not, you're 
screwed. Have fun. Once the water starts flowing, head back to brotating 
stairs room for boss.

Legend of the Underwater Colossus
Door is in the rotating stairs room. Here's your shitty 17th Colossus. Take 
blue armor, Iron Boots, Hookshot and dive down. Attack bomb fish and hookshot 
eyeball from stalks to make boss come out. Take off the Iron Boots and swim 
up. Hookshot eyeball and use attack to smash it. Eat heart and save.


Curse of Midget - not that Gidget freak porn


Locate Zelda by going to big city. Go to the strip bar tavern and get kicked 
out. Speak to the white cat and push block to air duct. Make like a 
xenomorphic alien and stay high on the ropes. In the treasury, kill the enemy 
with sense on. Speak to mannequin and get the ghost side quest. Drop down and 
follow tunnel to Zleda's room. Get warped back outside castle.

Master Sword +5, +10 VS Evil Creatures
Go to the north woods and save the monkey. Head into forest and kill forest 
kid by locating him (music gets louder if you are in same room). For final 
fight, use hold attack when enemy is on a low platform (buggy game design). 
For block puzzle, you need to make both statues land on the lit squares. Easy 
after a little tinkering. Get sword, save, and get the hell out.


Free At Last! - Or What The Hell Now?


Now you can change between wolf and man faster than the weirdos in Underworld, 
you can explore the world and get some of the items you missed before. You 
should probably visit the afro-queen at the Zora area and check out getting 
another bottle. You can also start looking for ghosts (you only need 20) for 
the last bottle. Bomb bags and arrow quivers are also available. You can also 
catch a few golden bugs for more upgrades. Check the next mini-section and 
simalcrum will get back to this after clearing some Okami and phaser-raping 
more space debris in Star Trek, Craptacular Legacy.

OK, back. Poking around, you wanna get some upgrades with your new toys:

Bomb Bag 2 - Dynamite the lava rock used to melt the ice lake. You need water 
bombs, Iron Boots and blue armor to survive the trip.

Bomb Bag 3 - Meet the afro-woman running the raft business. You get the cold 
boot. Chat up her hotter, younger, whiter sister in the fishing hole (you can 
look at the portraits for clues), catch at least one fish using the fish 
service, then head back outside to the rafting business for a monster 
encounter. Repeatedly knife the enemies until they lie dying and bleeding at 
your feet. Clear the blockages with two explosive arrows.

Big Bomb Bag - Do the afro-woman questa second time. Shoot the 20+ jars and 
avoid bumping the walls to minimize losing your points. You can bump once or 
twice or even four times, but there're only about 30 points available (total) 
in the whole course. You need 25 points for the win.

Quiver 2 - Get this by using the hookshot in the circus freak's star game. 
Find the circus in the big city in the middle of the world. Cube version has 
it on the west side. Eat tektite crap and die Wii lover. The key is to get as 
many stars as possible in your 'zip path' before time runs out. You can barely 
do it with the single hookshot; when you get the double hookshot, come back 
for the quiver 3.

Howling Stones - You should be on a consistent look out for these even if you 
missed them before. The moves are average, but the penultimate one powers up 
your brain bash move (you get it late game) so it's worth it (you need to get 
the moves in order). To make the training spot appear on the map (for Link 
with the man weiner), use the howl exercise twice -- the second un-skippable 
movie will show you exactly where things are on your map. The marker will 
already be there on the first successful howl; the second one auto-maps you to 
the correct spot. Until you actually complete the next two dungeons (desert 
and ice), you ain't gettin' more moves or stones.

-- Stone 1 -- Death Mountain. The plateau with all the archer assfaces trying 
to stick you with flaming arrows on your first time going up.

-- Stone 2 -- Upper Zora area. Near the boat launch and fishing hole areas. 
Small overlook over the water can be reached once you melt some of the 
impeding ice by warping the lava rock.

-- Stone 3 -- On the way to the Master Sword, it's in the first few 'rooms' of 
the Lost Woods. Not sure how to get back in until you complete the desert and 
ice dungeons, but you can get back to it if you were stupid enough to miss it 
the first time.

-- Stone 4 -- Lake Hylia south. The stone on an overlook with the ladder. The 
free transformation lets you get shit done!

More bottles. Get more bottles by fishing at the fishing hole in the Upper 
Zora River. The place to fish (manually without the boat) is the fish spawning 
pool in the corner of the room. The fourth bottle you get from the rich dead 
guy in the big city (guy who asks you to get his 20 to 60 ghosts). Find his 
house north of the resistances' bar and go in using wolf form (dig w/ sense 
near the house's wall). Don't forget ghosts appear only at night, and you 
won't be able to get 20 until you kill a few by exploring the world.

The Magic Armor (kinda long, but not as long as the Biggoron Sword). Most 
people refer to this as the Springwater side quest. Begin by donating 1000 to 
the Jamaican Goron with the bad lisp in Kakariko baby Shop. Outside the baby 
shop, talk to the old Goron and carry springwater to the big city's east 
entrance (where the bridge was replaced). Avoid enemies and gunfire along the 
way. Z-target the Goron guy and get heart piece. Make a second donation of 200 
money to the Jamaican with the harelip (Goron in the Kakariko shop) and when 
enough time passes (one game day or two), you will get a note about the new 
shop in the big city (look for it in the square). The magic armor will be sold 
there. You don't need it (you need tons of money to make sure you don't die), 
but it helps in the extra dungeon.


Dungeons 4 to 7 - Central Planning


Link is Indigo Montoya. Shadow Boogeyman killed his father. Prepare to die. 
All the locations of your next dungeon (all must be done in order) are 
activated from the bar run by the GILF with the melon heavy breasts (Telma 
Bar). Telma is fantastic; Telma is Link's friend; they're going to push bone --
 in the backroom so to speak -- while there, check out the map and the next 
dungeon point of interest is marked on map.

First dungeon is the desert. Fill up on jelly from the area of Hyrule field 
near Kakariko''s south entrance. Red jelly is the same as a fairy, but you 
need to use it before you die.


Desert Dungeon - No nekkid Nabooru seduction. Damn.


Visit the bar map. Get to the Lake Hylia and talk to the guy on the 
watchtower. Get the letter and use it on the queer circus freak who uses the 
cannon in the middle of the lake. Shoot to the desert and walk to the west 
edge of the map. A warp point can be earned near the man-o-lith. When the 
midget comes out, warp to the 'Eldin' area where the bridge was missing. Head 
north from the man-o-lith and look for an enemy camp.

Enemy Slaughterhouse, like in Conan the Barbarian's Snake Orgy scene
Take a war hog and use the dash move through the gates. Go north and fight the 
enemies in the camp maze for a key (the guy near the BBQ has it). Open the 
gate, slaughter the big guy (Uterus) and use the war hog to dash the gates to 
escape the fire. Easy.

Dungeon themes
Since you can free transform now, use the wolf sense when you think you are at 
a dead end. You might find something (chest, item, path on, etc.). Wolf form 
is also faster than Link running and can run through more distance on 
quicksand than Dink can by himself. Don't forget you will use the hookshot to 
latch, boomerang to extinguish fire, lantern to light fire (and provide 
light), etc. All of them will be used in this dungeon.

Ghost 2
Is actually harder than the rest of the ghosts (the first guy you kill because 
he was stupid enough to stick around in the main room). Get the scent and go 
into the room where you can rotate the room. There is a ceiling hole you can 
hookshot to. Kill it and move back down to go on.

Ghost 3 and 4
Ghost 3 is past #2, in a dead end panic room. Sense track the porker down and 
wreck the bitch like you would with Marin when she hits 18. The new enemy 
(Stalfos) may be killed by a bomb after they are downed out like a red 
skeleton from the Crapulvania series. Small bugs that bite can be held at bay 
by lantern light or spin lsash. Ghost 4 is the guy who splits into a Brazilian 
transgender gangbang party -- if you find it and only counted 3 lights 
restored, you most likely missed #2.

Gear Head
Take the gear machine (absence of mini-boss description meant it was a easy 
puzzle, bomb stalfos, or an enemy who was the equivalent of used toilet paper) 
and use it to run on the tracks in the dungeon. You only need to jump if 
something is going to kill you in the track you're riding on -- you mostly 
need forward momentum. Head to the spiral tower and go up.

Crapulvania RipOff Boss
In the dustbowl, spin on the rim then hop down and crack the spine with a jump 
while gear riding. Don't bother using any other weapons or items. In the 
second part, ride up on the inner tower; the outer tower cannot gain height. 
Crack the boss using the gear ride's jump command, but damage the boss with 
the brain bash (sword). Mostly works.


Ice Dungeon - All Too Easy.


Going to Klingon Hell
Check with the bar, head to Upper Zora River. Talk to the non-hot adventuress 
and take the drawing. Warp to Kakariko and use picture/sketch on the loser 
Zora wino in the graveyard. Fighing pole gets upgrade. Warp back to the upper 
Zora River and look for red fish in the water (easy). Fish one out, transform 
into wolf and sniff. Head to ice area and track scent to top.

Ice sled
Like Final Fantasy 7 Snowboarding, but doesn't suck all ass.

Dungeon themes
Bombs are used here to light the cannons. You will need the hookshot to get to 
various places as well. Most of the puzzles involve the ball and chain once 
you get it. Use the item to break ice walls and shatter the breathing ice 
monsters.

Cannons and balls
After looking for the wrong two items, you will usually get stuck with no key 
and a locked door holding the cannonballs. Use wolf sense to track down the 
chests in the snow -- the map and compass you should easily get when you 
master Dink's moves. 

Armored Lizard mouth breather
Go behind it and brain bash the tail. Nothing fancy and you rip its ass off so 
you can take the ball chain weapon (acts as a bomb). The large ice breathers 
you can use the ball chain on repeatedly to crack them into the small ice 
Spinies from Mario Bros. Smash those as well and wreck the place with it.

Ice Spear Men
While on the swinging chandelier, you may find one ice spearmen hard to 
destroy; use explosive arrows and make him into an exploding Viet Cong, just 
like Rambo. Explosive arrows are limited, but reach farther than ball chain.

Ice boss
Just run and use reflection to avoid attacks. Attacks are two forms -- first 
will pepper Dink. Destroy some of the small objects or second attacks will 
result in the boss landing on Dink with no way out. Strike boss with ball 
chain on second attack. You can tap item hotkey to kill boss; never mind the 
swinging like Samson in that fable-laden book 'the bible'.


Time Dungeon - Check out Primal for a cooler stone power


Check map and head back to Master Sword area. Use chicken to fly over gap 
previously used by wolf and midget zipline. May want to take time to get more 
moves, bugs, items, mini-quests, and heart pieces by looking around for things 
to break, take, and try out. Ball chain is now a bomb, so use to destroy walls 
without spending money (for the magic armor fuel). 

Kill the lousy skull kid using arrows as man wiener Link. Follow red glow if 
you are confused. Use magic sword on pedastel to enter the dungeon. Radical.

Traps and Ladders
The first part of the dungeon is mostly generic -- you avoid the Armos 
statues, traps and little bubble spiders trying to dig themselves into your 
butt and grow and get to the screw elevator in the tower. The little Armos 
bodies are heavier (and unbreakable) than the jars, so use them to set on the 
switches. The two color gems are a familiar puzzle for Windfish Island 
players. The two crystals you encounter are linked, so if one is messed up, 
just shoot the other using the hookshot or arrow to move onward. The scales 
are easy if you remember you can throw the bodies across from one pan to 
another.

Wand Guardian
The guy guarding the wand is impossible to kill until it strikes -- then you 
can side jump and attack. The 'hidden skills' are unnecessry and may even 
shorten your range, but they all worked fine on the Cube version. Kill the 
fool and use the wand to bring down the big Armos in the room with you.

Down the Hatch
The bells you see are teleporters for the big Armos you command since it can't 
go through doors. Each room is a puzzle bringing the thing back to floor one. 
The big Armos can destroy traps (good) but cannot move across anything except 
smooth floor. On the scales, use the wand to drop five small Armos bodies to 
equal the big Armos.

Boss Dude
Use the arrow and shoot the heat seeking laser emitter on the boss. Use the 
wand to command the nearest statue and smash its weiner three times to win. 
The small spiders released will be killable distractions.


More Crap Later - Good stone humping


Exit the Time dungeon and head to the bar to see what's your next dungeon. Get 
some letters, and head to Kakariko. Talk to the Sanctuary leader and the other 
guy in the basement about the Sky dungeon. Back to big city.

Some memory thing
Talk to the big titted MILFmaid, the doctor (north of ghost hunter's house), 
then track the scent to the MILFmaid's white cat. Head south, kill the bone 
dogs and get the item back to the dumb broad with amnesia. The place to go 
next is 'Hidden Village'.

Hidden Pirate Village -- AKA Any Ghetto USA
Meet the Goron strong guy (Uterus) in the cave to the hidden village. Go in, 
kill all 20 enemies, meet the old fart and get the charm. Once you do, head 
back to Kakariko. Don't miss the howling stone (only real hidden one) in this 
village. Thanks to masmith's FAQ for this one.

In a Word -- 'Word'
Get the charm back to the ditz chick, and head back to the hidden village by 
warping. Show old wand to the old fart and get an old book item. Show the book 
to the dude down in the Sancuary basement and get a quest to get all the stone 
glyphs. Go to each red marker and complete the books translation. Before 
heading back to the Kakariko, save the game, quit, and make a copy of your 
save game 'just in case' the Sanctuary cannon bug screws you in the ass.

Cannon Mech
Show the book to the dude downstairs, head into the cannon basement and talk 
to the guy to get him to leave (after talking to the shadow midget a few 
times). When alone, warp the cannon to Lake Hylia and spend 300 to fix the 
thing.

Launch time
Unlike the ice dungeon cannons, this cannon uses the hookshot to fire. Before 
heading to the Sky dungeon, be sure to get the final two skills as well as 
much crap you can find.

-- Stone 5 -- On the ice mountain Snowpeak. It's along the fishy scent trail, 
you'll find it easily, even in navigation mode.

-- Stone 6 -- In the Hidden Village, there's a house with a backyard. Smash 
all the windows on the ground level and you should find it easy.


Sky Dungeon - Freak faced bird city


Dungeon themes
Use the Iron Boots to stand against the wind. Hookshot lets you latch to vines 
and plates, as well as fight enemies and shoot crystal switches. The Chicken 
people let you glide down to far off places. Giant fans need to be activated 
or deactivated to start dungeon elements moving. Note that for gliding, the 
destination needs to be lower than your starting position, unless you happen 
to have a vertically aimed fan in the vicinity to let you gain altitude.

Getting doubles
Go through the left door (main fan chamber) by using the ledge with the fairy 
to reach the first room. Get the map and in the room with the three fans, 
hookshot the crystal switch in the middle of the room (walk around -- it's 
easy to spot in first person) to shut off one fan and move one. Use the 
chicken people to glide and the ball switches to turn on the fans. If you need 
the extra weight, use the Iron Boots.

Winged Lizardman (not the dude from 'Magic Sword')
In the bottomless pit shaft room, glide down while avoiding the cross drafts 
to the double hookshot room. Hookshot the mini-boss when it has its shield 
raised and about to dive attack your ass. Drag him down and kill him. During 
the second round, the mini-boss appears randomly in one of three windows. Get 
the double hookshot and get the hell out.

Hyrule Dakota Fart Fanning
Go through the door in the middle of the bottomless tower room and wander 
through the peahat area. The maze area is one way and you go back to the main 
lobby by the main ceiling fan. Stop the main ceiling fan above the lobby and 
use the vantage point you have to grab a ball switch in the middle of the 
lobby. This will turn on the horizontal fan to the boss.

Cheap Dragon Boss
Hookshot the tail and use the Iron Boot to drag it down. Once all the armor is 
scattered, use the Shadow of the Colossus columns and peahats to reach the 
boss and stab the back until it dies. You have to use the manual aim for 
getting onto the boss' back. After enough stabs (two full stab sessions), the 
boss will do one fire sweep attack and then a second fire sweep attack in the 
opposite direction. Just turn Dink around after the first attack turns off and 
head in the other direction. 


Shadow Dungeon - TRON


Dungeon themes
Light is your friend; darkness your enemy. Stay out of the dark cloud crap or 
you get turned into a wolf. Enemies (wizzrobes) warp and many other tougher 
enemies do the same. You will use the wolf form for a few times until you get 
the 'light power' of the sword. Don't forget the wolf cannot block attacks. 
The hookshot is used to get around the traps but for the most part, you fight 
enemies and move on.

Left, Right, Up, B, A, Start
Go on the side wing where the road still intact and grab the light orb from 
the wallmaster. Hookshot the orb when you need to take it with you. The orb is 
one of the few items you take through doors. Go to the main area and put the 
orb in the indentation. This generates a platform to the other side. To fight 
the warping mini-boss, just wait for it to start summoning monsters, run in, 
target (note target running will be slower than normal running), and attack.

Right, Up, Start
The second orb also has the mini-boss fight and similar wallmaster puzzle. 
There're just more enemies this time. Get the orb back out to the main street 
and get the super maglite power of sword. At this point, you can exit and 
challenge the cave of ordeal and get the ability to hook up a bottle of fairy 
jizz-juice at fountains.

Main assault
Consider exploring the light orb rooms with the light power for hearts. Spin 
slash the dark clouds and go into the main dungeon. The light orbs now are 
inert but still activate switches. Use the light sword power to dissipate the 
dark cloud magic. Be sure to kill all enemies for keys. The big key is hidden 
behind the large dark cloudfall at the scenic eyrie.

Shang Zant Tsung
Boss is a Shang Tsung boss (Zelda Tsung). Use the previous dungeon weapons in 
each fake arena to beat the boss:

1 - Boomerang (gets boss)
2 - Iron Boots (stay alive)
3 - Iron Boots and Hookshot (gets boss)
4 - Dive roll-ram twice (gets boss)
5 - Ball n' Chain (gets boss)

The final phase is just block and stab the crotch.


Hyrule Castle - Crotch stabbing time


The final dungeon you access from the front door (in the big city). Head in 
(not sure if you can leave once you do) and explore the sides of the castle 
grounds for a map and key. Use the war hogs to ram barriers.

Main Lobby
Use the hookshot to access the balconies and put out the torch next to the 
lamp fluid from a distance (boomerang) to get to the upper level. Fight 
through the pain to reach the top and get the chest in the battlements. After 
getting the crappy rebel cutscene, don't forget to lower the chandelier for a 
shortcut from the lower area of floor to the top. Note once you use the big 
key to enter the boss room, you cannot save any progress.

Boss time
Fight the boss using the old Ocarina of Time ball reflect trick. The tennis 
match occurs when the boss is about to die, so keep the return serves up and 
you win.

The second boss requires wolf. Z-target, grab the boss like a sumo-goat and 
toss its ass on the side. Change back to man wiener Link and brain bash the 
wound on the boss.

The third boss, you need to horse nitro close, then z-target (slows you down) 
until Zleda gets off her light arrow shot. Once the boss is electrocuted, 
nitro close, target and sword slash.

The fourth boss is simple Mortal Kombat. You cannot block some of the Ganon 
attacks, so the skill where you side dodge and slash can stun him long enough 
for you to sword thrust and do damage to him repeatedly. Be sure to use the z-
target 'finish him' to end the battle. Like before, Ganon's cape becomes 
tattered as his life dwindles.


Side Quests - Crap That Takes Up Your Time


There are some cool side quest FAQs about Hearts, Bugs, Poes, and Extra Skills 
here:

Legend of Zelda Twlight Princess (Wii)

Heart Pieces - http://faqs.ign.com/articles/747/747622p1.html
Extra Skills - http://faqs.ign.com/articles/747/747621p1.html
Poe (Ghosts) - http://faqs.ign.com/articles/750/750298p1.html
Golden Bugs  - http://faqs.ign.com/articles/747/747818p1.html
Ordeal Cave  - http://faqs.ign.com/articles/751/751570p1.html

Mebbe simalcrum will go git some pan fried poe-tay-terz and think about a more 
harmonized list later, but right now, the Wii crap is usable. Just remember 
that the entire world is flipped 180 degrees horizontally, so all directions 
LEFT are RIGHT (and vice versa). Only the North (Up) and South (Down) remain 
the same. You can also flick your Bic, but that only lets you light up some 
cool smokes.

Most of the sidequests you can't even start on until you complete the water 
dungeon and pick up the Master Sword. That pretty much ends the tutorial 
session of the game and lets you start roaming (kinda) on your own. Note some 
areas are still locked off until you can get more items.



                                  simalcrum

Submitted by simalcrum - Created 12/20/06 (Last Modified 1/1/07)
See All The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess Walkthroughs and FAQs