Today I Fucked Up
r/tifu
2
This just happened and I’m pretty embarrassed. (I’m 21 M though it doesn’t really matter for this story)
I pull up to the gas station to start my day and I notice a homeless man. I’ve always had a soft spot for homeless people because I understand how much mental health can affect someone.
Before I go into the gas station I ask the man if he needs anything, maybe some water? The man says water would be great. I go in grab a water and see there’s a buy 2 deal, so I grab two waters. I grab my stuff and proceed to check out.
I walk out of the gas station and now the original man is sitting with another man who is wearing some dirty camouflage cargo shorts, a ripped tie-dye shirt and a neon yellow beanie. In my head I think “wow good thing there was a twofer deal on these waters otherwise I’d only have 1 water for 2 men”
I hand the original man a water and then offered the second guy a water. He kind of just looks at me funny and stutters “I…I’m…thank you” and then grabs the water slowly. I go to my truck glad I could help some people out.
As I’m sitting there getting my music figured out I see camouflage shorts guy get up and hand over his water to the original guy. He walks over to his own brand new looking truck and drives away.
I just assumed this man was homeless because he had an interesting sense of fashion.
TLDR: I gave two homeless men water then figured out one of the men actually had a nicer truck than I did. He wasn’t homeless just dressed weird.
2
5
He called back on Saturday…phew! What a fascinating and amazing experience! Call quality was as good as a regular call but there was a slight delay that made natural conversation a little difficult. I asked where he was currently flying over and he said the Western coast of Africa. Then I asked how the ride was and he said smooth and awesome (his first trip was on a Soyuz). He said the second stage acceleration was incredible and that they hit over 4Gs (noting that’s it’s surprising the thing stays together). Then at SECO they were thrown into their straps from the deceleration, and bam…orbit, roughly 8.5 min after launch. They were coming up on a couple of days off (not because of Memorial Day, just coincidence). The conversation was 12 minutes long but we had to end it because of a satellite issue that was about to happen (exact reason is out of my wheelhouse). Interestingly, the call came from the exact same relay number. We joked about some funny stuff that happened when I went out for the launch. He got a kick out of the situation with the first call that I shared here and said that’s a common occurrence :). I didn’t expect the call to be as short as it was so I forgot to tell him how much the original post blew up, but I’m definitely going to email him about it. I just saw today that there are a bunch of “articles” online and a few podcasts that mentioned the post. The internet is a fascinating place sometimes.
TL;DR This time I actually answered a call from the space station and it was pretty cool to talk to my friend while he wasn’t on the planet.
Edit: typo and formatting
I cannot believe this just happened. This is the stupidest and scariest thing that has ever happened to me.
So, brief context, I’m a woman and live by myself.
So today I had a shower, and I couldn’t find my usual hair towel to make a hair turban, so I had to use my normal towel (which is huge and very thick).
I went into the bedroom and started getting dressed. I decided to put on a jumper (sweater). The neck is tight, but I can usually wiggle any type of top over my towel turban. I forgot my towel turban was fucking massive.
So now comes my near-death. I’m standing in front of the mirror butt ass naked. I start wiggling the jumper over the towel turban, but it’s resisting me god damn it. Piece of shit won’t come on. So I yank the motherfucker and lean my head forward slightly, and all of a sudden it gives - and the thick towel and my throat are wedged so tightly into the neck of my sweater that my airways are immediately cut off.
Cue instant fucking panic. I desperately try to put my fingers in the jumper, but it’s really thick and I can’t. I can’t pull it back over my chin, it’s stuck. I can’t rip it, too thick. I can’t pull the towel out, it’s too tightly wedged in. I’m literally choking to death.
Oh, and I was standing in front of the mirror, so I got to watch my stupid face as as I grappled epically with this jumper that’s literally trying it’s best to murder me.
I remember thinking This is fucking it, I’m going to fucking die because of a fucking jumper that’s too tight, what the fuck what the fuck
Now, this was clasped so tightly over my neck that I literally had a matter of seconds to react. Every time I move it gets tighter too. I’m bent double at this point trying to force the material to rip, but it won’t, when my brain clicks. I sprint into the kitchen, grab some scissors, and cut the jumper from the bottom to the neck.
RELIEF.
This actually happened 20 years ago but alas...
I came back from Iraq in November 2007. I was in great shape, and very "mission focused". While I deployed, my sister had left for college and of course had made some friends. Like most freshmen girls, she came home as often as possible to visit her parents, who lived about 3 hours away, but she didn't have a car; my sweetheart mother would go pick her up, and then a couple of days later she would make the same trek to take her back. So Friday night she picked up my sister and her super sexy roommate. I spent some of the weekend trying to position myself to get to know the roommate better, but my sister was having none of it. So here comes Sunday night, and as my mom is getting ready to leave, I get the brilliant idea to offer to take them so that my poor mother could have a break, and of course get more time with the roommate.
My sister had a 10 pm mandatory resident meeting, and it was roughly a 3 hour drive. We wanted to leave at 6.30 pm but my sister was dragging ass and we didn't leave until 7. No problem-- 3 hours to make a 3 hour drive. We just couldn't stop.
Roughly 1.5 hours in, I started to get the urge to piss. But I was no quitter -- mission first, we didn't have time to waste. Meanwhile conversation is going great between me and the roommate, despite my sister's best cock blocking efforts.
After trying harder and harder to hold it, I just couldn't do it anymore. We still have 45 minutes left and there was simply no way. In my head I was limited to finding a rest stop or McDonald's, but suddenly it occurred to me that I could pull over (we were in the middle of nowhere), piss, and continue on, and only lose about 90 seconds.
So I pull over, go around back of the car, and pull down my zipper. I finally relaxed. And when I say relaxed, EVERYTHING relaxed. I shit my pants. Not just a little bit either, I would guess about 2 big logs. So now I'm panicked, but there was no way I was going to admit I shit my pants. So I came up with what I thought was a brilliant solution...I just simply sat back down and opened the windows.
It was roughly 55 degrees and we started driving, windows open. My sister says "ew I smell something". So I blurt out, angrily, "well yeah, no shit, we are in the middle of cow country, and the windows are down, of course it smells". She politely asks me to put the windows back up, to which I say something like "ABSOLUTELY NOT, first I'm nice enough to give you a ride, now you want to tell me how to arrange MY car?" We all freeze our asses off back to college, in silence.
We arrive at 9.58 pm. Mission success. My sister goes to grab 2 big suitcases (she does laundry) but I'm sitting in a big squishy load so of course I stay still. She's upset, and asks if I am going to help her. I say "ABSOLUTEOY NOT, you think I'm going to drive you all of way here and then carry your bags? No chance." She knows something is way off because I am normally so nice. Then her roommate chimes in..."Well do you want to come see MY room?". I put my head down as say no. We all say awkward goodbyes.
So now it's mission clean up. First store I come across is a Papa John's. I go bursting through the door, and immediately there is a front counter that is manner. I see the bathrooms off to the right. I sidestep to the right so they can't see my arse. The counterperson gives me a quizzical look.
I get in the stall and pull my pants down. Shit is everywhere, literally. My underwear was so bad, it was unsalvageable; my only option was to throw it away. I use approximately 3 rolls of toilet paper before I get a rough semblance of being clean. Finally there are just a few light brown streaks. I go to put my shorts back on, and just then I realized those are absolutely caked too. Well I did the only thing I could...threw those away too. I ran out the door and into my car, butt naked. I heard the guy at the counter yell "WHAT THE HELL MAN".
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